This Thing Called Life II: My Journey Continues...Thoughts in my Head

By Melodie Washington

Many thoughts swim around in our head; we secretly entertain all kinds of thoughts every day. You never know what a person is thinking. We have to carefully choose the thoughts we entertain and learn how to dismiss those toxic thoughts. Don't Die While Living...Life has a way of swallowing you up. You can so easily drown while dealing with the day-to-day issues of Life. By the Grace of God, I'm still standing...kids are growing up, Hubby is still Hubby. In spite of, God saw fit to keep this union together (thirty-four years of marriage and five years of dating prior to marriage), so yes, I'm still married. My Journey Continues... Thoughts in My Head!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 9, 2021
• ISBN: 9781662440892

Book preview

Winter 2012

February 23, 2012

Where is my peace? Peace, I’m looking for you, please return. The enemy is always trying to take me down. This is too much; Mark is so broken. While he continues to struggle with his addiction from time to time, I’m learning more and more about who he is and where this energy is coming from. I didn’t realize someone could be so broken when they are surrounded with so much love. Wow…the things we allow to dwell with us.

Well, another Valentine’s Day has passed, and I know it’s not much to many, but to me, it’s a celebration of Love. And yes, I know Love should be celebrated every day… I’m hip. However, there’s nothing wrong with a National Day set aside for Love. Love is powerful, it is the strongest force. Everyone wants to be Loved!

Anyway, on February 13, 2012, I talked to Mark all day long and he managed to get a few dollars together to at least get me a card. I told him I was going to CVS before coming in and he said he needed to go to CVS too, so we agreed to meet at home. When I say I talked to this joker all day long, I talked to him all day…all calls stopped after 3:00 p.m. I tried to reach him after picking up the kids and no answer.

The next time I heard from Mark it was 1:00 a.m. He calls me to open the door for him.

On Valentine’s Day, I didn’t hear from Mark all day until about 4:00 p.m. He sent me a text to tell me Happy Valentine’s Day, Love U… It’s all a joke. His so-called Love is some bs. He may Love something or someone but it’s not me. Love? I don’t even know if he really likes me. I’m tired of hearing him say it. He has done much of nothing for me, really, if the truth be told. At times, he can be such a turn-off. Kiss My Ass, Mr. I-Love-U. You don’t Love me. And there is no real physical connection, at least, on my part there isn’t. That died a long time ago; and yes, things happen from time to time, but it’s not because of Love or a physical connection. It’s just because…nothing more, nothing less. He just walks around being who he is, clueless to how much he has really destroyed. Then again, he may not care.

February 23, 2012

Here we go again, rushing home to get his check and just like that, off to the races. No regard for me or what’s needed in the house. What happened to the $100.00 for the heating oil? What happened to making up Valentine’s Day? He is so full of shit till he stinks. I’m starting to hate this so-called marriage. Being married to a Drug Addict has been nothing but turmoil and heartbreak. I’m tired of my spirit being broken.

Lord, You know all and Your will must be done. I am a confused about what this is. Lord, forgive me in my undone state. I have heard so much Word over the years and still don’t get it. Something must be wrong with me too. I know I have many ungodly urges; Lord, help! And help me to only crave for more of You.

Twenty-Fifth Wedding Anniversary

May 26, 2012

Two days before our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and no signs of celebration at all going on. May 2012 has been very disappointing for me. First, Mother’s Day and now, this. This crazy Life of mine never seems to settle, and it’s very hurtful at times. I feel like nobody really cares much for me at all. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but what I have been receiving here lately hasn’t felt very good.

Lord, Help! I know my flesh is yearning for something opposite of what Your Word commands. My thoughts are not clear, and I am all over the place. At times, I don’t have a mind to pray, read, or meditate. Too many times, I want out of this marriage and these thoughts dance around in my mind. Is this what I really want? What is Your will? Why do I constantly feel this way? Is this marriage supposed to be over? Am I afraid? My mind, my mind, my mind… Lord God, give me clear, precise thoughts. I want to feel Your presence; I feel so disconnected, Lord.

Lord, can You, well, not can You because You can do anything, but will You save my children. They can’t seem to get a breakthrough either. Have I concentrated on the wrong things? Lord God, please work it out. I have struggled, paid bills, and sacrificed all of my Life. No real help from no one. What is this? This is crazy!

* * *

Poor Mark, he is walking around, saying slick stuff out of his mouth because he wants to go to North Carolina this weekend but don’t have a dime for gas… Funny! Ashley came in town to do a performance in Herndon, Virginia, and in his mind, she is the cause of us not going to North Carolina. Negative! We’re not going to North Carolina because he doesn’t have any money and I’m tired of sponsoring everything and everybody. We could get on this road in the morning, but I think I need to stand down this time. Everything is always on me and I’m tired. I’m tired of being used and abused. He is so arrogant and selfish. It’s unbelievable! He doesn’t have any patience when it comes to others and he never thinks he’s wrong. He always has a reason.

The older I get, the more I see. I mean, is this really supposed to be Love…thirty years of what? This man, my precious husband…twenty-five years of marriage and five years of dating prior to marriage; either he is crazy or I am crazy. And he always thinks he’s right… It’s too bad. Bless his heart. I don’t know, maybe it’s something else. We all have internal issues we have to deal with every day around the clock, that internal war in our mind, we battle all day, every day. And no, it hasn’t been all bad, but this is a joke. So many stolen memories, jewels, break-ins, broken windows, broken locks, doors, etc. It’s been a lot more than I could ever pen.

Thirty years later feeling like this? It shouldn’t be, something is wrong. I’m always so full of words and emotions. Trying to transfer it to paper can sometimes be a bit challenging. And in spite of everything, the Lord saw fit to entrust us with seven sons and two daughters. But God! The things I’ve had to endure with them is another book all by itself. Lord, Help!

I just don’t understand Mark. He is always placing blame, finding fault, and just speaking something negative. I don’t know if he’s trying to make sure the attention is off of him. I just thought he would be humbler and show more mercy on others after all he’s done. We were discussing money this morning and the conversation quickly went sour and he told me to Eat it! And I barked right back… I quickly reminded him that I have already eaten a lot. Oh, it got ugly. I can’t believe him at times. He always has a way of reminding me. He tries to flip the script but he got the wrong one. I used to be quiet and not say much, but it’s a new day. I’m not that little girl he met in the hallways at Roosevelt Senior High School anymore.

Over the years, Mark has definitely revealed some deep wounds. I mean I’ve learned so much about him over the years. And really, he is a good person; a hard, dependable worker; a good father. He has a natural gift of dealing with people. He loves people; he loves to host family gatherings—cook, grill, and serve. It’s something, how we carry all kinds of emotions and feelings from year to year to year. We have so much hurt and negative energy stored up, not realizing how crippling it is and how heavy it is and how much we wear it every day. Lord, help us all!

But there is still so much I don’t understand. Is it me? Am I unforgiving? My thoughts are so scattered. Lord God, align my faith with Your will. Lord, I thank You!

It’s in the little things, and it’s funny how little things turn so toxic. Lord, Help me to create a peaceful atmosphere at all times. Help me to choose my words carefully. Teach me to say less and give me a quiet spirit. Even at work. Lord, I need to be delivered. I still feel the way I feel. Something is wrong. How do I accept this thing that has wounded me for years and continue to wound me on some levels…and not feel the pain, the disgust, the this, the that? Especially, when there are things that still goes on… Yes, I believe Your Word and I know Your Word is true. Please take this from me, make me numb to it or something. I really don’t even know what to pray for anymore. Am I even sincere? Lord, I’m not in a good place at