Random Acts of Poetry and Other Attempts at Humor

By Michael J. Murphy

Do you need some lumpy, red, all-purpose glue to hold your life together? Do you need a new perspective on filing your income tax return this year? Have you ever wondered if there are aliens from space living at the South Pole? Do you wish people were kinder to each other? Did you know that Betsy Ross had three husbands and five daughters? Do you know what a carbuncle is? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, please, take a few moments to enter a strange world. Let your mind wander through the nooks and crannies of the ridiculous and the sublime. This might be just the escape from your screens that you’ve been waiting for.

Consider dropping a copy of this book at your doctor’s or dentist’s waiting room. The folks there need a smile or a good laugh right about now. Do you know someone who has everything already? They don’t have this. Do you have a friend who needs a laugh? This book can only make your friendship stronger.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Feb 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9781664289055

Michael J. Murphy

Michael J. Murphy is strange... unless of course you are strange also. In that case you will thoroughly enjoy this collection of poems, short sayings and stories. He has a personal mission to prompt a smile or a laugh from everyone he meets and he is usually successful. If you have already laughed at the title of this book, dig in.

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Copyright © 2023 Michael J. Murphy.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-8906-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-8905-5 (e)

WestBow Press rev. date: 01/31/2023

To Valinda, my sweetheart for the past 46 years. Thanks for listening to my poems and loving me anyway.

Preface

Early in my life, I became interested in the way words and sayings could be twisted to make people laugh or think twice. When I was five, six and seven, one neighbor of ours in Emerson, New Jersey named Betsy Scanlan wrote a regular column in the local newspaper. On several occasions Betsy included something funny I had said and gave credit by saying, And now, here is another M&M for you.

In the first grade, I was punished for making a wise crack while a speaker was addressing the class. The entire class laughed at what I said, but the speaker called me forward for correction.

At the age of eight, I invented a clever twist on a TV advertisement for aspirin. My father sent it in to the manufacturer to be considered for their next commercial. They politely declined my suggestion, but sent me a very nice box with a sample collection of their latest products. All my friends wanted to get a similar boxed set.

Then in high school, I turned to the art of pun making. I refrained from entering into most conversations. While I listened carefully, I parsed every word being said, looking for a pun or funny twist that I could insert if anyone stopped for breath. Most of the entries in my high school year book had to do with me being a nice guy or how the person signing enjoyed my puns. One teacher wrote, Your puns will ring in ears for many years.

As an adult, I turned to full length jokes. Sometimes I had to develop a lengthy introduction before I could spring the punchline. When my children were teenagers, they suspected everything I told them and often stopped me by saying, Wait, Dad, is this a joke?

In the Army, it was an accepted practice to start any presentation with a joke or funny quip. My colleagues often chose bawdy or coarse jokes to introduce their talks… not me. I preferred twisting the latest headlines or supposing what some famous person might say in a funny setting.

Over the years, my ability to twist the language for fun was helped by other writers. Ogden Nash has always been a marvel to me. Let’s just say he gave me his jelly fish. Reading Dr. Seuss to my children each night also gave me liberty to weave and bob around the rules of proper English.

On more than one occasion, a child or grandchild has asked me, How does one write a poem? I tell them that a poem, like a song, has to start with a feeling. Once you have that feeling, you try, by various means, to get the feeling to show up in the reader or listener.

Through the years, I have written down poems as they have moved across my mind. If I do not write them down fast, they are just gone. Trying to get them back is very hard. Grabbing them as they go by has gotten easier and easier. I suppose it has become a habit.

Thank you for spending some of your time on some of my poems and stories. They may provide a short escape from a problem you are facing. I hope, that on your return, your problems will have gone away.

Your humble servant,

Mike Murphy

Warning

Dear Reader,

With few exceptions, these poems and stories should be taken in small doses.

Sincerely,

The Author

Contents

ACT I: A TASTE OF FUNNY

Mulligan Stew

Child Safety

Spinnaker Ridge Road

A Fond Farewell

Who’s Your Daddy?

Secretaries’ Day

He Did His Best

Jiggly Wiggly

Help Me Understand

Did You Ever Notice?

And Now for My Dentist

Emergency Waiting Room

They Say You Are Ninety

ACT II: SWEETER THAN WHINING

The Jeweler’s Daughter

Love Gets on All It Touches

Madeline’s 11th Birthday

Thinking of You

Wings Upon Their Feet

Shadow Glass

Always There for Us

A Mother’s Love

To the Red Team

My Grandson

What Is Good About Goodbye?

Life Goes By Fast

The Fireplace

Swing of Life

Song of the Spring

A Simple Plan

Adele

My Visit To The Probate Office

Florida

Rising Star

Someone

Our Neighbors

ACT III: DON’T BE SILLY… LET ME DO THAT FOR YOU!

I’ll Betsy You Didn’t Know

I Was Just Thinking

While We Are on the Subject

Making Fathers Happy

It Could Happen To You

Good Advice

Reflections on Dying

Job Application Letter

You Choose

Gone for the Day

Christy Carbuncles

A Bridge Too Far

An Odd Family

COVID 19

Thursday at Last

Tax Me No Questions

Mothers-in-Law

Mildred M. Mullican

Don’t You Crane Your Neck, Mr. Putin

Softball