So You Think You're Ready for Life

By Ralph Black

So You Think You're Ready for Life is a compilation of true short stories that chronicle different situations throughout the life of the author. Many are comical and several are serious, but all are told in a captivating and enticing way that draws you into the events as they happen. These events leave you with life lessons at the end of each story to assist you in your journey through life. Hard to put down once you have started and even harder to not go out and want to experience more of what life has to offer once you have finished, regardless of your age. This is the perfect book for learning what you were never taught in school and opening your mind to a completely different way of thinking. Something for everyone and extremely helpful, a must read, for young adults making the leap into adulthood.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Apr 9, 2019
• ISBN: 9781643008790

Book preview

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So You

Think

You’re Ready for

Life?

Ralph A. Black

ISBN 978-1-64300-878-3 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64300-879-0 (Digital)

Copyright © 2018 Ralph A. Black

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books, Inc.

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

Dedication

To my lovely wife, Linda, for supporting my vision and proofreading many more pages than she wanted to. To my cousin, Donna Kwiatkowski, for all of her after-hour assistance. To my son, Christopher, for being there for me, and for being the inspiration for the book.

To my mother, Ramona, for being the angel that she is and teaching me how to be a better person. To all my sisters without whom growing up would never have been so fun. To Mark Panther for without his friendly support and pressure this book may never have been completed. Last but not least, to my father for giving me my character and many of the lessons learned.

Thank you all.

Introduction

Over the past several years, I have been cognizant of my experiences and the how to and how not to live lessons I’ve learned from many of them. This book is a compilation of the things not to do and the lessons of life you can use to avoid the mistakes and mishaps I and others have gone through. A series of life situations that place you in the center of the action of a life not lived by you . . . yet. A gathering of knowledge and wisdom just waiting for you to decipher and incorporate the lessons learned into your future for the better of your advancement through life with less collateral damage.

The book was created for the main purpose of educating my young son on life and all the things you need to know to help you get through life in an easier fashion, the things no one teaches you in school. As I started to write this, my son was entering college, and I felt he needed to know certain things about life and what he was in for in the years to come, the things no one ever tells you, the street or life skills no one ever teaches you, the stuff that can or will happen to you that you normally wouldn’t be prepared for.

As I finished each chapter, I would email it to him. Months later, with a few chapters completed and sent, I went to visit him for father-son weekend. To my surprise, several of his college friends had read the chapters and expressed how valuable the information was to them and how no one ever told them these kinds of things, not even their fathers. I was motivated to continue in hopes that you, the reader, will have a better and easier life with the end result of personal happiness and good fortune. Enjoy. The stories contained herein reflect the author’s recollection of events. Dialogue has been re-created from memory. Some names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of those depicted.

1

Don’t Play with Fire, You May Ignite

Age six. Contrary to you and your friend’s popular belief, you are not invincible. Case in point, I was six helping Dad rake the leaves for some father-son time as Mom (Ramona) put it. In the late sixties early seventies, you could burn leaves by the curb in the suburbs of Chicago. This always gave fall a distinct arrival via smell sensations that I still remember to this day when driving through Wisconsin where it remains legal. For reasons I now completely understand, this has since been outlawed in Chicagoland and probably because of kids like me.

Dad was burning the leaves in a pile on the curb while raking the rest toward it. I was helping Dad by kicking the leaves into the pile that was only smoldering. It was much cooler when you’d kick the leaves in and they would ignite upon contact. So I said to myself, Obviously, Dad didn’t know how to start a good leaf fire, and I proceeded to show him how to do it myself, knowing all the while he would be so proud.

So I ventured into the pile of leaf ashes that weren’t burning and started to kick them around a little while adding new leaves. Thrilled by the burst of new flames, I took several steps back to admire my creation. While standing there, I see my father running at me full speed. I thought he was running to congratulate me, when all of a sudden, he hits me like a linebacker for the Chicago Bears, tackling me on the one-yard line.

As if that wasn’t enough, he proceeds to smack me on the legs and thighs repeatedly for what felt like five minutes. I was aghast; this is how he rewards me for starting a much better fire than he could. Was he jealous? Was he upset? Quite the contrary, he was saving my life. Those of you old enough to remember two-ply jeans, flannel on the inside and corduroy on the outside can understand how I didn’t know I was on fire at first. In retrospect, I do remember thinking to myself, Wow what a glow, when the fire in the pile really wasn’t that high.

After the initial shock of what seemed like Dad beating the crap out of me passed, only to have my pants ripped off me in the front yard and carried underpants side up over my Dad’s shoulder and rushed into the house for all the neighbors to see while hearing the yells of my father, Mona, come quick, as he laid me out on the kitchen table, and she inspected me for burns and all the while telling Dad, I think he’s okay.

Shaken but not stirred (describing my father in many more ways than one), he returned out to the front yard to, I think, gather himself. He began to rake only to drop the garden tool as he was in severe pain. His hands that he used to save me from inevitable disaster and deformity had been severely burned and by the time he returned to the rake, were blistered all over, so painful he could not rake.

I remember him coming back into the kitchen while I was on the table and saying, Mona, I think I need a little help. She replied, Oh my god, Tom, look at your hands. She grabbed a stick of butter and placed it in his palms and back out to work he went. Actually, I think he just went outside to hide the pain he was really in. At the age of six, I was instantly made aware of several life lessons I will cherish forever.

Lessons

Lesson 1: Don’t play with fire. Really don’t because you really can get burned. A lesson I later forgot in life and had to learn again.

Lesson 2: Everyone is breakable, even your dad.

Lesson 3: Sometimes, when you do things only to impress others, you’re the one that gets burned.

Lesson 4: A father’s love may sometimes seem like an assault when it could be a quick reaction by them to save you from yourself or get a point across fast.

Lesson 5: Even if you’re caught with your pants down in the front yard of your house in front of all the neighbors, no matter how embarrassing, you’ll get over it. Shortly after this event, I was able to start acting onstage in front of people, and I guess I always felt like, Well, at least my pants are on, and my dad hasn’t thrown me over his shoulder in front of all these people.

Lesson 6: Don’t put butter on burns; it really makes the blisters worse.

Lesson 7: Even though it looks like a fire may be out, it still smolders and can reignite at any moment.

Lesson 8: Sometimes, your dad is actually smarter than you, even when it doesn’t appear that way.

2

Movies Can Cross All Divides

In the previous chapter, I used the term shaken not stirred to describe my father and referenced in many more ways than one. Now is the best time to elaborate on this term and the many meanings that somehow are in many ways relevant to this chapter. Thomas Warren Black shaken not stirred many of the trials and tribulations of his life were overbearing and all the while no matter what happened, he always appeared not stirred, sometimes depending on the event he may have been somewhat shaken by the event, but never appeared stirred.

This term has always been related to the James Bond movies and his famous tag line when ordering a martini, which brings me to yet another way that term reminds me of Dad. He grew up in the era of Three Martini Lunches and that was always the drink of choice made ready for him when he came home.

A man most women would characterize as handsome, he also had a James Bond kind of style and class about him. He had the voice of Bing Crosby and the look of Frank Sinatra, and he loved movies. I’ll say it again, he loved movies. Dad could tell you every actor’s name, what they were in before, and a brief history of their career. This was probably the longest stretch of time I could share with my dad. It was when we were watching movies, or talking about movies. Even when we were divided on life opinions, or by something I did, or paths I took that he couldn’t relate to, somehow movies were always able to cross our divides and start us back to communicating.

He was quite the comedian. Parties were always better if Dad was there. People would hover around him just to laugh, smile, and lose themselves just like the movies, but he did it in person live. He said to me, If I can make just one person laugh, or forget about their problems even for a minute, then I’m happy. I know I’ve done something good for them, and I like that. Through the years, I always told him he should be a standup comic, and I think deep down, he always wanted to be one. Only one time that I’m aware of did he have his chance, and it was at an anniversary party for some neighbors at a hall. Hundreds of people were there and he stepped on stage and provided an off-the-cuff routine/roast for the couple that had the audience in tears, and for that short moment, he was the happiest man alive. I was lucky enough to have it on tape.

I guess that’s probably why I had an immediate love for the industry, movie making, comedy and acting, because I saw that no matter what my dad was going through, he could sit down in his chair and get lost for ninety minutes from the problems that faced him. It was an escape for him and millions of other Americans.

This began my lifelong dream of making movies, being an actor, and becoming a movie star. I started to make short movies with the family 8mm when I was around ten, and I came to find that almost everyone liked movies and almost everyone wanted to be in movies in some form or another. Kids on the block who didn’t like me for one reason or another wanted to be in my movies, and I could make them do things that they wouldn’t normally do. What a rush, what fun, and what a way to cross the divides of the neighborhood.

People didn’t like it very much when I would make things up as I went along. They would feel like I didn’t know what I was doing and start to question my authority. That’s when I realized I needed storyboards. This is a simple thing I learned from visiting Universal Studios.

The idea is where you draw the visual frame of a scene with a description of what happens, usually somewhat vague but with direction. This eliminated the problem of the actor’s insecurity and questioning my authority. I could now continue to mold my movies on the fly with little or no friction. I had stunt men, actors, light guys, and even sound effects. Some of my better movies were The Bounty Hunter, The Centurions, Sting III, and Not Another Pie.

Not Another Pie, starring all my friends and enemies.

This was a great movie to make because we were always laughing. I would convince people to be in the movie without revealing the title. I would give them a character, one I would think they would want to be, then place them in a scene where walking was involved and at some point through the walk and just before they were about to deliver their line, someone would surprise them with a shaving cream pie smack to the face. While this was always hilarious to us, the recipient was usually not very happy and half the fun was getting their reaction on camera, but no matter how mad they got, they always took great enjoyment in watching the footage of them getting hit. This ended up being a neighborhood favorite.

Sting III

This was my childhood remake of the original movie The Sting with some fun twists and turns. This movie starred one of my best friends with whom I have since lost contact. We’ll call him Mitch. So, Mitch, you know who you are, and if you’re reading this, call me.

The Bounty Hunter, starring Craig Besler.

One of my favorite memories in this movie was when Craig (the Indian) was standing twenty-five feet in the air on top of my four-level treehouse and was supposed to be hit by an arrow and fall from one roof of the treehouse to the next (fourth level to the third). Upon getting shot, he went to lean back and the entire treehouse collapsed; one roof and one floor at a time with Craig falling through each of them in an extremely painful-looking fashion. I laughed, Andy laughed, but Craig wasn’t laughing.

The Centurions, starring Chris Paluch.

I have many great memories from this endeavor including the time spent with Chris designing and building the spaceship used in the film. At one point, we were building the ship late in the evening on a Saturday night while I was babysitting my little sister, and we ran out of glue that was needed to finish the ship in time for the shoot the following day. I believe it was around 11:00 p.m., and Jennifer was asleep. It was storming like only a Midwest storm can do— lightning, thunder, and high winds.

Branches were falling, streets were flooding, and of course, the movie comes first. So I woke her up, kept her in her pj’s, put a rain coat on her, and put another one on her upside down placing her feet in the sleeves and sealing the two with a belt. She remembers there being a hood on the raincoat we put over her legs, so the hood was dangling between her legs. Strange, but funny. Off we went, running her to the car and driving to the store. Since it was so stormy, we took advantage of it by shooting film out the window to simulate the spaceship landing in stormy conditions. We returned shortly with the glue and all was well, thanks to a great little sister who understood my passion and didn’t tell Mom and Dad. (This is still a mutual bond we share today when we remember the event).

Setting the Scene

The following morning was a frightening day of enlightenment. It just so happens it was a Sunday. It started with an early morning shot in the forest preserves (a location referred to by the residents as Farmers Field). The camera at a low angle catching the spaceship after landing: As the sunrise came over the bow of the ship, the hatch opened and the centurion emerged, reached into the ship for his weapon, closed the hatch and ventured off through the woods and then out into civilization.

The centurion was wearing what looked like an orange down-type puffy vest. His head was skin and metal but no visible face, mouth, eyes, or ears.

As the centurion emerged into civilization, he walked down an alley lined with three stories of back porches and a lower level of doors and alcoves. The centurion proceeded to bang on the doors with his weapon trying to get in.

Shoot Day, but No Shots Fired

We chose an area called five corners in Park Ridge Illinois, a somewhat affluent neighborhood. Years later, scenes from the movie, The Blues Brothers, were shot on the same corner. The building we chose was bordered by Talcott and Devon. The exterior was retail stores that weren’t shot from the front, such as Plush Pup, Weiss Jewelers, (which plays a role later), a drug store, and several others. The rear of these store’s back doors did, however, back up to the alley we were shooting in. The other porches above these stores were all apartments. The building was in a V-shape with the alley entrances being only two on the same west side of the building like the top of a V.

I was shooting this movie with my dad’s new camera (which I convinced him to buy) and, as I mentioned previously, it was the morning after babysitting, an early Sunday morning and at the location we were shooting, it was about 8:00 a.m. We had shot several scenes here and most of them involved Chris in his masked attire appearing to be banging on the doors with force using an M16 toy replica painted by me with black and chrome paint to look real. One of the doors we chose just so happened to be the jewelry store and unbeknownst to us, it just so happened to be the exact same time some lady from the apartments was looking out her window witnessing a stocking-masked person with no facial features banging on the jewelry store back door with a fake, but painted to look real, M16 automatic weapon.

Immediately after that scene, Chris and I both took a smoke break, him in costume at one entrance of the V alley and me across from him with camera in hand at the other entrance of the V alley approximately twenty-five feet apart. We were talking about the shots and the scenes, and we heard all kinds of sirens, much more than we ever had heard in Park Ridge, a usually quiet neighborhood with little or no action. Chris commented, I wonder what happened? I replied, I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s big. The sirens stopped and I said, Well, it must not be too far away. Let’s finish the scene, and we’ll go check it out.

Chris proceeded to bang on the jewelry store door, and I shot the scene with my Super 8 camera when all of a sudden, I hear chick click, chick click, chick click, chick click.

Freeze, freeze, freeze. Drop the gun now and keep your hands up.

I froze but didn’t drop the camera. Drop the gun now. Now! they shouted.

I then yelled back (while remaining frozen), Don’t shoot. It’s not a gun. It’s my dad’s camera and if I drop it, he will kill me.

Again, they said, Drop it now, or we’ll shoot.

I replied, It’s my dad’s camera. Don’t shoot. We are making a movie, and there is an actor on the other side with a toy gun. It’s not real. Just let me set the camera on the ground.

They replied, Drop it now, now!

I replied, I am setting it on the ground now real slow. If I drop it, he’ll kill me even worse so please don’t shoot.

I think it’s important to