One Brick Loose—Not Missing, but Who Cares?

By Marilyn McCullough

Marilyn McCullough has had two husbands, five children, two stepchildren, six dogs, three cats, and two goldfish. In this memoir, she provides a humorous look at all aspects of her lifefrom the everyday trials and tribulations of family, friends, relationships, and aging to the not-so-ordinary topics of toe fungus, flatulence, gargling, and moth killing.

In this, her second published book, McCullough has gathered articles previously published in an Illinois newspaper and has combined them with reflections about events both current and past. In addition to her uncanny and often comedic essays on at life, she has included a collection of short stories geared toward children.

Through the stories, observations, and experiences presented in One Brick LooseNot Missing, But Who Cares? McCullough communicates her lifes philosophylive life with a certain amount of gusto, enjoy the good, and accept the bad.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Nov 10, 2010
• ISBN: 9781450260657

Marilyn McCullough

Marilyn McCullough and husband David have been retired in Arizona for thirteen years after moving from Illinois. This is her second book.

Book preview

CONTENTS

Introduction

Bidding With No Brains

And This is Love?

Still Friends?

A Tiger Shows Some Extra Stripes

Observations

How Not to Do Laundry (From Hubby’s Point of View)

Everyone Has a Twin Somewhere

What a Blast!

Van –Delize

Knock-Knock - Orange You Glad?

Cheap But Calming

It’s a Bird – It’s a Plane – Its Super Bruce!

Damn Toads

Another Jewel From the Neighborhood

Goodies But Not Diamonds

Dump Time

Old Wives Cure

Any Tea Will Do

Bits & Pieces of a Nutty Week

Fathers and Daddies

Fecal Matter Happens!

Grounds for Divorce

Ya’ll for a Week

How to Shorten Visitors Stays

Spiteful Siblings

Socks I Have Known

Moth Killer

Dangerous Family to Cross

Not Everything is Funny

Pondering About A Thru Z

Stress and I Don’t Play Well Together

Things that Suck

Stories For My Children, Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren

And Then It Happened

Jake and the Mudpuddle

The Magic Butterfly

INTRODUCTION

I’ve had two husbands, five kids, two step-kids. Six dogs, three cats and two goldfish. The goldfish up and died, but the kids and dogs could swim. Got rid of one husband, and the second one and I are still dog paddling along.

I like dogs.

I suppose I might be a pain in the – to one or possibly two people but on the whole most people seem to be able to tolerate me and I them. Being of sound mind and body at the present time there are many things I have to accept. I will never be thin again, my bra looks better lying on the bed than it does when I put it on, I will not be able to join the Air Force, I cannot be a nurse, I’ll never bungee jump and even though my gallbladder is long gone, the gas is not.

I DO like dogs.

Some of the 1st sentence statements are the cause of the 1st paragraph’s problems. Marrying young and producing children like an assembly line took care of being thin and the bra problem. Losing all my teeth at twenty-two, due to calcium deficiency, a bladder uplift for sagging muscles, brown hair, now is the color of the week, and a hemorrhoidectomy (I like to blame that on the husbands and the kids) sort of finishes out the plan of destruction..

In my first book I reiterated some of the silly things (dumb) that I could remember and several of my friends said, write a sequel.’ They really are friends who want to see more of the trials and tribulations that have occurred within our family. You’ve heard the sayings only one oar in the water; the light is on but nobody’s home and one brick short of a load?" Well, I’m not short a brick but one or two might be loose.

Thank God, my husband, my kids and my friends don’t mind my sharing our happenings. My philosophy is to live life with a certain amount of gusto, enjoy the good and accept the bad. It’s called… LIFE.

BIDDING WITH NO BRAINS

When we moved to AZ from IL I tried to purchase several items with a western theme for decorations. Having several plant shelves in the house, I always had my eye open for things western. We took a trip up to Oatman, AZ, a ghost town with wandering burros and history. While there I found a scrungy old pair of cowboy boots for $15.00. (The old hotel in that town is where Carole Lombard and Clark Gable spent their honeymoon so they say). On another trip to an antique store in Mesa I bought a beat up old brown cowboy hat ($5.00)… I was lucky to find a short ladder with only four rungs that looked like it was made to climb into an adobe cliff dwelling. It must have been for very short adobe dwellers or a one level adobe… Hey, this is great fun and I’m getting into it.

The coup de tat was at an auction. We had eaten out at a Mom & Pop café and when leaving noted there was an auction starting a few doors down. Hey, maybe there is an old saddle or something there, sez I to hubby. Let’s go see. In my mind and pocketbook I am thinking I could pick up an old saddle for next to nothing. You know, twenty bucks or so. Forget that! Even old saddles go for beau coup and my pocketbook had zero coups so— no way. However, they did have some horse tack that was going to be auctioned off. We took our seats bidding on a few things here and there and finally the tack came up. Not only was there tack, but they put up a white leather jacket with fringe with it. I opened the bid with $3.00 and the auctioneer yelled, ‘SOLD! Everyone started to laugh and the auctioneer stopped the auction as he was bent over laughing. Looking bewildered I asked what was so funny. The people next to me said, Do you know what you just bought? I said, Yes, horse tack. That set everyone off again in gales of laughter. Then it was explained to me that the tack" was not leather and iron for horses but was in fact six metal chastity belts and S&M sexual leather things.

The jacket and things were all on a hanger which I carried to the car very gingerly when we left. I got home, put the washer on hot, poured in a bottle of Lysol and washed them all…. Hopefully disinfecting everything from whatever… The whole house stunk like Lysol for several days. I made an arrangement of the jacket, hat, boots, ladder and some old rope and put them up on the shelves. It really looked western. The metal and leather objects I wrapped up as Christmas gifts for our daughters and daughters-in-law. When they opened them, they were surprised (thank heavens they didn’t know what they were) and I explained what had happened, more laughter and a great memory was made. Whether they were ever used or not, I did not ask nor will I ever.

AND THIS IS LOVE?

SCENE: CAR TRIP ON SUNDAY MORNING

Daughter Dianne called this morning to share exciting news. She turned on the radio and…..the preacher said, Have you ever heard these words before? I brought you into this world and I can take you out.

Dianne said she almost fainted as she had heard those words so many times growing up, as did her brothers and sister. She always felt she had the only mean mother there was and now she finds out that someone else used that same threat to make a point. She said the four of them used to quake as their mother said this in a menacing voice with great volume.

The point was as a single Mom I only had one voice and two hands and my children WERE going to be good and behave. Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Well, if you know any of my children you know they have not been warped (at least not