Show Up for Yourself: Set Boundaries, Take Control and Calm the Inner Storm

By Sylvia DeMott

Do you find it challenging to set boundaries and consider your needs? Do you experience self-doubt when you're in conflict?

Show Up for Yourself examines how issues such as past trauma, adult atta

• Language: English
• Publisher: New Degree Press
• Release date: Sep 26, 2022
• ISBN: 9798885048408

Book preview

Show Up for Yourself

Show Up for Yourself

Set Boundaries, Take Control and Calm the Inner Storm

Sylvia DeMott, MSW, LICSW

New Degree Press

Copyright © 2022 Sylvia DeMott, MSW, LICSW

All rights reserved.

Show Up for Yourself

Set Boundaries, Take Control and Calm the Inner Storm

ISBN

979-8-88504-635-0 Paperback

979-8-88504-953-5 Kindle Ebook

979-8-88504-840-8 Ebook

I changed certain individuals’ names and identifying details to protect their privacy.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Getting Triggered

Chapter 2: Knowing Your Adult Attachment Style

Chapter 3: When You’re Highly Sensitive

Chapter 4: Body Wisdom

Chapter 5: Cultivating a Healthy Work Mindset

Chapter 6: Managing Disapproval and Perfectionism

Chapter 7: Bouncing Back and Self-Compassion

Chapter 8: Saying No and People-Pleasing

Chapter 9: Intuition and Values-based Decisions

Chapter 10: Dual Relationships: Mixing Friendship and Business

Conclusion

Acknowledgments

Appendix

About the Author

To Dahlia and Forest, 

who keep me humble and on my toes.

To Dan, 

who reheats my coffee without being asked.

To my Readers,

because I’m routing for you. Keep it up!

It is easy to overestimate the importance of one defining moment and underestimate the value of making small improvements on a daily basis.

Too often, we convince ourselves that massive success requires massive action.

Meanwhile, improving by 1 percent isn’t particularly notable—sometimes it isn’t even noticeable—but it can be far more meaningful, especially in the long run.

The difference a tiny improvement can make over time is astounding.

—James Clear

Introduction

I felt like someone had punched me in the gut, and my insides were crumbling. It was a gray winter morning in southeastern Minnesota. I was sitting next to my husband, across from the marriage counselor. At that moment, I realized he had no intention of trying to work on our marriage. This reality left me reeling inside. The colors in the room became flat and dull as I experienced an enormous wave of loss in my core. Loss for myself and my hope that I would someday have a spouse who would respect me and treat me as an equal. Loss for my small children who would now have to spend their childhoods shuttling between houses and parents. Pain in my heart for all the dreams I would have to bury. During that moment, something clicked inside me. There was no turning back. I felt like I was about to jump off a cliff.

Over the following year, I made thousands of decisions to build a new foundation. I got a lawyer and went through divorce proceedings. I spent a weekend looking at houses for sale and stayed up late getting preapproved for a mortgage. I secured office space for my psychotherapy business and took steps to advertise it and reach out to referral sources. I drove up to Minneapolis on three occasions to pick out furniture at Ikea. I hired someone to assemble over eighty boxes of beds, nightstands, tables, and cabinets.

Slowly and painstakingly, I rebuilt my life. What helped was the realization I didn’t have to twist myself into knots trying to make things work. I could let go and do better for myself by accepting the situation. I could also access a greater sense of peace.

That chapter in my life was full of choices and assertions—of showing up for myself. I figured out what I wanted and didn’t want. I faced conflict head-on, set healthy boundaries, and dealt with the resulting inner turmoil. At times it exacted a toll on me physically and mentally, and I had to find ways to calm my nervous system and body so I could think and act clearly. Even when I rationally understood I was doing the right thing, I often felt like I was doing something wrong. 

This is a common sign of people pleasers. They tend to put other people’s needs first. Being a burden is worrisome. They believe conflict is destructive and avoid it at nearly all costs. They worry about hurting others, are sensitive to criticism, and have problems saying no. They want others to like and approve of them, and they do so at the risk of not speaking up and voicing their opinions. In my marriage, I often stifled my thoughts to keep the peace or because I didn’t want to get shot down. Once I left, I actively worked on being courageous and standing up for myself.

During this time, I struggled to stay present and grounded. As a result, I worked hard to understand how my biology and trauma history impacted me. I wanted to know how to best take care of myself. 

Knowing that as a highly sensitive person, my nervous system and brain processed environmental input more sensitively than others, I built better ways to cope with stress. I learned to honor my need for downtime, and I cultivated self-compassion rather than self-judgment when becoming overwhelmed. It gave me an appreciation for why my body reacted so strongly to other people’s emotions and why I needed to stay grounded in my truth and communicate that honestly.

Furthermore, gaining self-knowledge about my adult attachment style, which is anxious, helped me recognize why I had stayed in a challenging marriage for so long and what it would take for me to seek a healthier romantic relationship moving forward. Some of us, myself included, have adult attachment styles that become activated in unhelpful ways when the stakes are high, like when we’re falling in love or are navigating a romantic relationship.

Everyone has blind spots, including me. Before I understood how my adult attachment style affected my need for closeness and intimacy, I saw myself as needy. I had problems validating myself and standing up for what I needed from my partners. As a therapist, I work with many clients who struggle in romantic relationships. They give away their power too quickly because they put other people’s opinions first and fear rejection. Once these clients understand their attachment styles and work with them versus against them, they are better able to take control of their boundaries.

These clients eventually feel empowered to express themselves more honestly in their intimate relationships and, in some cases, seek partners who are naturally more capable of giving them what they need. I love watching my clients grow and have more fulfilling connections, starting by putting themselves first.

When anchored to our whole selves, we can show up fully. It requires self-awareness and knowledge, including recognizing when we’ve been emotionally triggered and are no longer reacting to what’s happening in the present moment.

When I first became a clinical social worker, I focused primarily on cognitive behavioral therapy and teaching my clients about their thought distortions and how to reframe them. While I still believe in cognitive therapy, I often work with clients who live in their heads and have no sense of what’s happening in their bodies. 

Our bodies provide wisdom that can show us when someone has crossed a line or when we need to speak up. They can connect us with powerful positive emotions such as love and joy. To do this, however, we must sense our bodies’ signals and not just live in our heads.

For this reason, I’ve sprinkled mind-body techniques such as breath work, attention to sensations, emotional freedom technique, and the soothing butterfly hug into the Take Action sections at the end of the chapters. I’ve also provided examples and stories of people who have learned how to connect with their bodies and trust themselves more deeply.

Conflict avoidance relates to your process for avoiding conflict, whether it is staying silent, changing the subject, or agreeing to something you don’t agree with. Not all conflict-avoidant people are people pleasers, and just because you tend to avoid conflict doesn’t mean you don’t know how to stand up for yourself or address problems. I believe humans are far more nuanced than that, and if you’ve told yourself you’re a people pleaser and can’t handle guilt and fear around bringing up conflict, you’re doing yourself a disservice. You can get better at managing your guilt, but you must be willing to stop shoulding yourself. You may also need to start being more assertive and asking for what you need. 

Relationships are a two-way street. Our willingness to address differences openly is a hallmark of a healthy relationship, whether in our personal or professional spheres. From my own experience, I know it’s possible to recognize this rationally but still struggle to implement it in our day-to-day lives. It’s hard to justify confronting people and making everyone, including ourselves, uncomfortable. Yet, when we don’t express our needs, tension builds up and could lead to resentment or passive-aggressiveness. A person can carry only so much internal conflict before it comes out sideways.

I write about conflict avoidance not because I like confronting conflict but because I believe dealing openly with differences is necessary for taking responsibility for ourselves, our well-being, and our relationships with others. 

If you’re like me and you experience intense anxiety when standing up for yourself, it’s helpful to know you’re not the only one being brave and addressing difficult things. Having an intimate window into how people deal with challenging situations can be a source of strength and inspiration. As someone who has depended on self-help books for guidance, discernment, and reassurance my entire life, I know this to be true for myself. I’ve written this book with that in mind. 

In the coming pages, you will find stories and strategies to help you stay on the winding and not-always-clear path of expressing yourself freely and openly, setting healthy boundaries, and taking control of your life. This is the book I would have liked to have had when I left my marriage. It’s the book I wish I could give to my clients when they start going into their heads and coming up with excuses rather than speaking their minds.

As a licensed independent clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and leadership coach, I’m drawn to working with clients who want to show up more authentically in their lives but still struggle to assert themselves genuinely. Ultimately, they want their insides to match their outsides, even if it means not being liked or approved at all times. I resonate with these clients because I can often relate to their experiences on a personal level yet stay detached enough to help them see different perspectives.

Over the past two decades, I’ve worked on these issues with thousands of clients. I’ve helped them feel more grounded and self-aware. Eventually, they can identify and say what they want, set boundaries that teach others how to behave around them, and calm the inner storm resulting from figuring things out as they go.

Through the stories in this book, which span from the bedroom to the boardroom, you’ll be able to navigate your pathway to solid ground—a place where you act on your interests rather than suppressing them or giving up and putting them too quickly on others’ needs first.