My Therapy Journal: A Journey of Healing

By Micah Mason

It is the actual journal of my therapy poems from when I started counseling until the current time. It was suggested by my first counselor years ago when I finally confronted my memories of repeated molestation events as a child. It also takes in life issues as I face the activities of life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Authors' Tranquility Press
• Release date: Apr 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781958179055

Micah Mason

Micah Mason has been a registered nurse for forty-three years and earned a PhD in natural medicine. She enjoys crafting, organic gardening, and learning about essential oils. She is a mother, a lifelong teacher, and healer who currently resides in Elyria, Ohio.

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Copyright © 2022 by Micah Mason.

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My Therapy Journal: A Journey of Healing/ Micah Mason

Hardback: 978-1-958179-63-5

Paperback: 978-1-958179-04-8

eBook: 978-1-958179-05-5

Dedication

The quilt on the cover of the book was made by the nine-year-old victim of molestation. She worked on the quilt indoors to avoid the neighbor outside.

This book is dedicated to my poetry pals. Both gave me unconditional love and pointed out my strengths. And to all the children who were molested or raped and didn’t get to voice their pain, anger, and depression. I hope these poems give you a voice.

And thanks to my friend for his technical support to fill in my gaps of knowledge about the computer.

INTRODUCTION

As I awakened from years of repression, depression, and denial, I decided I needed counseling for the years of molestation I had suffered as a child. It started with a seven-year-old Brownie going to a neighbor’s house to get an order for Girl Scout calendars. It seemed like an over-done, slobbery kiss as I left, but at seven you’re really not sure. That was the beginning of four years of hiding or being caught and molested. This evading and avoiding contact led to much stress and a state of chronic hypervigilance from age seven to eleven. As I discussed these things with my counselor, he suggested, as homework that I should start journaling. The journaling began as prose-like diary entries but quickly changed to poetry after starting an American literature class.

These poems are raw, rough, and straight from my mind, heart, and soul. Though not elegant in the normal literary sense, they are elegant in their truthful expression of unfiltered emotions. They express the tender, painful wounds of depression to the point of feeling the tears rolling down my cheeks. Some can take wings of flight from pure joy finding healing in the evolution of the journey that is life. We always have the freedom of choice in how we respond to life events and our feelings. We can allow the tears of depression to drown us or they can become the saline that cleanses our wounds. When withholding, tears can grow to the steam of anger that leads to hurting others because we are in pain. Tears of sadness can weaken our resolves, so we give up hope and drown ourselves in alcohol or drugs. I chose to eat too much.

In the beginning, my choices were driven by depression which was not wise due to the binding despair and low self-esteem. But as I moved along the trails of life and different styles of therapy, so enough healing took place, I made better choices toward new steps. I moved from talk therapy to behavior modification and finally eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR).

These are the poems of my therapy journal that I started in the mid-eighties’ and have continued to the present day. As you watch the evolution of my healing of my moods, so do my poems evolve. Note also the change from self-absorbed pain to sassy looks at my broadened world.

By the grace of God, we will all evolve into another being through the pathway of life. Sometimes events are emotionally filled with pain, sadness, and fear, but love, hope, and faith can keep us glued together enough to bring us face to face with our purpose. When we can see that purpose, we can put energy into our lives to move toward goals. Then the journey moves from mere existence to life evolved, an evolution of body, spirit, and mind. Through this evolution, we transform from a cocooned insect frightened of being squashed, into a butterfly that can go to any height you can dream, imagine, or create. As I found my life purpose of healing and teaching others as a nurse, my journal can now be one of my tools of healing for others. So I am sharing my journal of life and healing in the hope it helps someone else to find healing. These poems show a wide range of emotions and experiences as I opened doors to my life and moved forward to new horizons. I also share insights on the life-happenings that gave birth to these poems. If you find something in them that I did not see as I wrote them and it does you good, take it. If bad, then let it go.

Contents

TOUCH

PAIN MAKES ME KNOW I’M ALIVE

HOW BARREN

TO MY SONS!

BART’S A BRAT,

I WONDER

AHHH!

EMOTIONAL PATHS

HOPE FOR JOY

THE GREATEST LESSON

A MILLION TEARS

SELF-INFLICTED ISOLATION

THE ONE WHO SHARED THE SECRET Oh! Angelica, my dear Angelica!

MY PRESENT GUILT

TO TRAVIS MY LOVE

SUBCONSCIOUS EXPRESSIONS

TO EZRA

IN CONTRADICTION TO HIS LOVE

UNFINISHED BUSINESS

BARED BY THE TALES

MY SISTER’S TRUE DEPTH

SICKNESS ON SICKNESS

DADDY SAYS

ON THAT LANE

MY POOR MOTHER’S FRUSTRATION

THROUGH A MILLION TEARS

A MILLION TO ONE

PRAISE TO THE FATHER

WITH THE DEVIL INSIDE

GOD SEEING ALL

REMEMBER WHEN

LOVE YOU

A SANDCASTLE BE

TO DONNA

LOVE AND DESIRE

GRANDMA DEAR

A PARADOX

DARKNESS

IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT

LOVE TRAVIS

CLEANSED

A TOUCH OF LIFE AND HEALTH

HE TOUCHED ME

OF FLYING SNAKES

CERTAIN NOISES, SMELLS, AND SIGHTS

AMNESIA

WET AGAIN

THE TUNNEL

SUNBEAMS

BABE AT BREAST

A SPECIAL MOMENT WITH A DOCTOR AND WIFE

TIME TO LEAVE

WHAT THE NURSES SAW

THE HAT

SHE’S GOT LEGS

LAWN CHAIRS

I HATE HOT DOGS

TOASTED MARSHMALLOWS

WITH HIS WIFE IN THE NEXT ROOM

DIVING DEEP

I KNOW

I COULD BE

HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND

I LIKE SCHOOL

GIVING UP IS HARD

I WANT GOD IN MY HEART

STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS

CIGARS

SOMEONE KNEW

SHE KNEW TOO

HOW DID MY SISTER FEEL?

A FAMILY REUNION

MAKE EVERYDAY SPECIAL

GENETICS AND GOD’S GIFTS

GLASS TRAP

LIKE A TEENAGER

BORN OF SHAME

I HATE SNAKES

WHEN LOSING CONTROL

BROCK

SHAME, SHAME ON YOU

OF ROCKS AND ISLANDS

HATE

COUSIN TO COUSIN

NOT WORTHY

JANUARY 1986

WINTER WIND

TORN IN PIECES

ALICE OF THE LOOKING-GLASS

ALONE WITH LONELINESS

GHOSTS

! ! ! FREE ! ! !

FOR BETSY

DESPAIR

EMOTIONAL DEATH

NIGHTMARE CAGE

TO JUSTIN

TRUST

HAPPINESS’ HORIZON

TO MARGARET

HERE’S TO YOU, DION !

TRAPPED

TORTURED LIFE

TRIBUTE TO SELF-HELP BOOKS

VAMPIRE’S VICTIM

DIRECTIONS

CINDER CITY

3 BULLETS IN THE FLOOR

DROUGHT OF 93

I AM A PERSON

ANGER

I BELIEVE IN ME

GORE ORPHANAGE

SOME FUN LIMERICKS

THE FLOWER MAN

COLOR COMES TO MY WORLD

BLUE CHRISTMAS WRAP

LORD OF LIGHT

SHUT DOWN

RELENTLESS LOVE

THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN

SYMPHONY OF SYMPATHY

ASHLEY’S POEM

JOY’S SACRIFICE

HEADACHES WITHOUT END

MISSING TERRI

THE FORTRESS

LONGINGS

FOUND POEM from an OLD TEXTBOOK

HOPE FLOATS

OCHER STAIN

TO DROWN OR NOT TO DROWN?

HOPE

AWAY WITH SADNESS

NIGHT VIGIL FOR MOM

THE WEIGHT OF MY PEARLS

DAD

DAD’s SONG OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM

TO DAD

CRAZY KARINA

THE PAST

THE LAND OF TRUMPMANIA

TEARS FOR MY MOTHER

TO BEATRICE

GOOD-BYE TO DONATA

CLIMBING OUT

A YEAR OF LOSSES

CONTROL ADDICT’S POWER

LIFE

GLORIA

WAIT AND SEE

GO ON FAITH

A PATH OF LEARNING

OUT OF FOCUS

TENDER MOMENT

PARADOX TRAP

HEALING SCARS

ARCTIC NIGHTSHIFT

KINDNESS

REVELATION IN THE NIGHT

DREAMERS

PURPOSE

SUICIDAL THOUGHT

IN YOUR THOUGHTS

GOD IS LOVE

DAYS OF SADNESS

THE TEAR

THE HIGH RISE

YOUTH RE-VISITED

FALLING WISDOM

LIVING WELL

ABUSE OF SILENCING

FOREVER GREEN

DAYS OF GRAY

STRENGTH TOGETHER

I NEED TO BE NEEDED

SUMMER DROUGHT

MY SONS

GIFT FROM MY SON

SPECIAL FRIENDS

Introduction to New Poems

RELATIONSHIP

HIDDEN BUNNIES

AM I?

SUPER HEROES

HAIKU

BROKEN

JOYFUL POTENTIAL

ZERO

FINDING JOY

INAPPROPRIATE

DOGGY BLUES

MY LOST MOM

MAKES MIGRAINES MEANINGFUL

SORRY TO MY SON

INVISIBLE

SECRECTS

MY EVERYWHERE THERAPIST

LYING LEADER

I NEED A GOOD CRY

BIPOLAR ME

PRODUCT PILES

EMPTY WITHOUT YOU

THE POWER OF POETRY

?WHY?

A CHICKEN’S COUNSEL

THE EMPTY ZONE

AFTERMATH OF AN ARGUMENT

47 ASPIRINS

TODAY AT A GLANCE

TRUMP – McCONNELL VANITY WALL

CONDESCENSION

WRONG

BELOW THE DOME

FILLING SPACE

ENDLESS

WHY IS EXISTENCE?

NEVER

DISMISS

PURE EVIL

BEAUTY ON THE BEACH

BUTTERFLY GIRL

CORONAVIRUS

DON’T FEED THE GREED

COVID-19 PANDEMIC

HIS SLAVE

DEARLY

A THANK YOU

STROKES

UNDERSTANDING THE NOW

BERNIE BROS

UNSTUPIFYING OF AMERICA

HIAKU

GROWN-UP ADULTS

APRIL TORNADO

HIAKU

GETTING UP

AGAIN!

GROWING FEAR OF NUMBERS

CIRCLE OF NOISE

LOST SKILLS

SELFISH AND CRUEL

HOSTA

EMOTIONAL CONTROL

MISSING THE CALL

THE ARGUMENT

MAGNETIC REPULSION

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

PTSD – COVID-19

DAILY MOURNING

UNMASKED TRUTH

HIDDEN BEAUTY

NON – SYBIL

PERSONHOOD DISMISSED

MASKED VOICES

THE TEAR

THE PROTOCOL

ASEXUAL

NO! AUTO MOBILE

SABRINA’S SMILE

FOOD PHOBIC

COVID CRISIS

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

BEATEN DOWN by CHAOS

ANXIETY

The DON of DEATH’S DOMAIN

LOVE ME AS I AM

SELFISH SHORTSIGHTEDNESS

PEDOPHILE’S PARADISE

STATIC STATE of ANXIETY

INTRODUCTION TO POEMS FROM MICAH MASON’S FACEBOOK

PEDOPHILE’S PARADISE

TEMPORARILY CLEAN

TRUST FACTORS

FORGIVENESS FOR ME

MOURNING MY LIFE

THE HEALING GOES ON

RINGING MEMORY

INSURRECTION

PATIENCE ZONE

WEIGHING IN ON ISSUES

PATHETIC PUNK PRESIDENT

THE BRIDGE OF OBSTRUCTION

CAR POOL FOG

COUP BY CULT

FOOD FEAR

SAFE CHOICE?

WISHING

PARASITIC

REFUSED TO RECEIVE

BOOGERS BE GONE

DRAGON-EYE MOON

TOO MUCH ICK

ON THE MENU

THE SOLUTION MENU

PASSIVE SUICIDE

FLY FROM STRESS

SHARED STRESS

THE ESCAPE DOOR

SOUR MILK

STANDING TALL

MID-APRIL SNOW

CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL!

MORAL LEPER

WHAT I SEE

HOLLOW VESSEL

VAX TO RELAX

ORIANA

ABSENT HERO

HIS SMELL

THE WRITER’S AWARD

VERONICA’S HOME

THE RAIN OF LIES

MY TWIN, MY HERO

HIS WINNER’S TROPHY

ENERGY STEALING CLIMATE

WHATEVER IT TAKES

NO SEWING MACHINE NOW

A DOOR TO CONTROL

HATE OF LIFE

AMERICA SINKS

TROPHY OF CONTROL

THE PRICE OF LIFE

NO COMPUTER BRAIN

NO SOCIAL RELATIONSHIP

MY REPEATING HISTORY

MY HOARDER’S HOUSE

LACK IN ABUNDANCE

THE CAT LADY’S RATIO

THE VIEW BEFORE YOU

DEVOID SOULS

SAGED INSIGHT

USED UP

EPILOGUE:

HYMN RESOURCE LIST:

SELF-HELP BOOKS LIST and INTERNET WEBSITE LIST

TOUCH

Touch or be touched.

What an empty,

Inescapable prison

Is this black hole

That I call existence.

How frighteningly lonely.

Eternal void,

Self-encapsulated

Into a vacuum.

(To be safe you can self-imprison in an emotion-free bubble.)

PAIN MAKES ME KNOW I’M ALIVE

I have to wonder whether

I actually exist.

Were it not for the pain,

I would say no, I do not exist.

Only the pain keeps me wondering

And hedging at a yes.

Could it be I fear the loss of pain,

Whether as guilt or physical aches,

Because then I would cease to exist?

Only living things feel pain.

I have pain, I am alive.

(Chronic depression, hypervigilance, and chronic stress all cause bodily pain from inflammation.)

HOW BARREN

Oh! How barren desolate is her heart

In a feelingless existence thou art.

No pangs of love or pangs of hate.

Nothing more pierces her armor plate.

Chaste, impotent, barren always be;

Cold, lonely, and ever empty is she.

Oh! How barren is the house

That lays without people or mouse.

Or their happy ringing noise

Enveloped in drifts of snow.

Chaste, impotent, barren always;

Cold, lonely, and ever empty is she.

(So much of your world doesn’t feel emotionally safe, so you isolate more and more -- consciously or unconsciously. Walls go up, and you are more and more alone. When both parties in a relationship are damaged from childhood events, wall obstruct any possibility of a relationship. A state of clinical loneliness becomes status quo.)

TO MY SONS!

I know that now

You are not old enough

To understand.

But when

You are older and can,

Then I hope

You will read this.

You stomp