Definitions for Living: making sense of words and ideas that define our lives

By Roy Austin

The ability to communicate through the use of words is one of the major skills that distinguishes
humans from other creatures. Having a formal language which can be spoken and written has
allowed people to create emotional and practical bonds between themselves and others which
can transcend not only time and distance but physical and cultural barriers as well. With this
unique ability to communicate through language, humans have been able to accomplish what no
other creatures could ever accomplish.
Although language is clearly a blessing in many ways, it can itself become a barrier to good
communication. Words can provide understanding, intimacy and the ability to achieve
commonly shared goals, but they can also produce confusion, hostility and painful consequences
when used inappropriately or irresponsibly.
As a psychotherapist and family counselor for the last twenty-five years, I have become acutely
aware of the power of words to both confuse and clarify, to hurt and heal. Over this time I have
noticed that certain words and concepts seem to appear repeatedly in conversations between
marriage partners, business associates, and other people attempting to develop effective and
rewarding relationships. I have discovered that the various meanings and applications of these
words and ideas are often at the root of the problems people experience in their business and
personal lives.
A significant part of the therapy I do with my clients is to help them clarify for themselves and
then for others what they mean by what they say. As an extension of my work over the years, I
have written a number of articles about some of the more commonly misundertood words and
ideas over which my clients were having conflict. As I have shared the articles with them and
with others in workshops and seminars, I have often been asked to make them available to others
outside my office.
This book is the result of those requests. It is a book of " working definitions." You will find
that, in this book, my basic approach to defining a word will be somewhat different from that
used in a standard dictionary. A typical dictionary, out of necessity, must usually limit a word's
definition to a brief, generally accepted meaning and then provide synonyms and antonyms of
that word, along with some examples of how the word can be used in a sentence. For my
purposes, I will define a word or explain a concept so that it can be more completely understood
and thus more effectively applied in everyday life. I have found that providing a more thorough
description of a word or idea is usually more helpful for real-world use than a technical
vocabulary definition.



Some chapters fit specifically within the book's title. They "define" a particular word, such as
selfishness or forgiveness, and expand on the working definition to make it a useable concept for
real-world relationships. Other chapters are included, not so much to define a concept as to
provide additional skills for relating well to others. These chapters fit appropriately within the
sub-title of the book, for they, too, are some of the ideas that define our lives. Chapter 4, for
instance, will help you know how to respond when someone does not believe you. Chapter 16,
Negotiation Skills, will help you understand the idea of negotiation more than define it for you.
The meanings and applications of some of these words and concepts may differ at times from
what you and I were taught about them growing up. Some who read this book may disagree with
my "definitions" altogether, for here again, we know that language is often a matter of
interpretation more than scientific fact. In my attempt to help people make
sense out of these ideas and words, I have found that these "workable meanings" have helped
them to communicate better with others and to live their lives more effectively. I trust that my
approach does no disservice to our language, but in fact enhances it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 25, 2022
• ISBN: 9781667819907

Book preview

Title

All Rights Reserved

This material may not be reproduced without the written consent of the author.

ISBN: 978-1-6678199-0-7

Contents

By Chapters

INTRODUCTION

ABOUT THE AUTHOR, THE ART, AND THE ARTIST

A LEGACY OF LIFE

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 1: UNDERSTANDING ACCEPTANCE

Chapter 2: EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Chapter 3: THE IMPORTANCE OF NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

Chapter 4: HOW TO RESPOND WHEN YOU ARE NOT BELIEVED

Chapter 5: PRINCIPLES OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Chapter 6: HOW TO RESPOND TO CRITICISM

Chapter 7: WHAT I HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH BY CRITICIZING AND PUNISHING MYSELF

Chapter 8: HOW TO MAKE RIGHT DECISIONS

Chapter 9: THE DESERVE SYSTEM VS. THE DESIRE SYSTEM

Chapter 10: HOW TO MAKE DEMANDS IN A RELATIONSHIP

Chapter 11: UNDERSTANDING EXPECTATIONS

Chapter 12: UNDERSTANDING FAITH AND TRUST

Chapter 13: UNDERSTANDING RESENTMENT AND FORGIVENESS

Chapter 14: THE JOY OF MEDIOCRITY

Chapter 15: UNDERSTANDING MOTIVATION

Chapter 16: NEGOTIATION SKILLS

Chapter 17: A MATTER OF OPINION

Chapter 18: UNDERSTANDING PATIENCE AND TOLERANCE

Chapter 19: UNDERSTANDING RESPONSIBILITY

Chapter 20: PRINCIPLES OF MAKING RULES

Chapter 21: PYRITE RULES

Chapter 22: HOW TO DEVELOP A GOOD SELF-CONCEPT

Chapter 23: UNDERSTANDING SELFISHNESS

Introduction

The ability to communicate through the use of words is one of the major skills that distinguishes humans from other creatures. Having a formal language which can be spoken and written has allowed people to create emotional and practical bonds between themselves and others which can transcend not only time and distance but physical and cultural barriers as well. With this unique ability to communicate through language, humans have been able to accomplish what no other creatures could ever accomplish.

Although language is clearly a blessing in many ways, it can itself become a barrier to good communication. Words can provide understanding, intimacy and the ability to achieve commonly shared goals, but they can also produce confusion, hostility and painful consequences when used inappropriately or irresponsibly.

As a psychotherapist and family counselor for the last twenty-five years, I have become acutely aware of the power of words to both confuse and clarify, to hurt and heal. Over this time I have noticed that certain words and concepts seem to appear repeatedly in conversations between marriage partners, business associates, and other people attempting to develop effective and rewarding relationships. I have discovered that the various meanings and applications of these words and ideas are often at the root of the problems people experience in their business and personal lives.

A significant part of the therapy I do with my clients is to help them clarify for themselves and then for others what they mean by what they say. As an extension of my work over the years, I have written a number of articles about some of the more commonly misundertood words and ideas over which my clients were having conflict. As I have shared the articles with them and with others in workshops and seminars, I have often been asked to make them available to others outside my office.

This book is the result of those requests. It is a book of working definitions. You will find that, in this book, my basic approach to defining a word will be somewhat different from that used in a standard dictionary. A typical dictionary, out of necessity, must usually limit a word’s definition to a brief, generally accepted meaning and then provide synonyms and antonyms of that word, along with some examples of how the word can be used in a sentence. For my purposes, I will define a word or explain a concept so that it can be more completely understood and thus more effectively applied in everyday life. I have found that providing a more thorough description of a word or idea is usually more helpful for real-world use than a technical vocabulary definition.

Some chapters fit specifically within the book’s title. They define a particular word, such as selfishness or forgiveness, and expand on the working definition to make it a useable concept for real-world relationships. Other chapters are included, not so much to define a concept as to provide additional skills for relating well to others. These chapters fit appropriately within the sub-title of the book, for they, too, are some of the ideas that define our lives. Chapter 4, for instance, will help you know how to respond when someone does not believe you. Chapter 16, Negotiation Skills, will help you understand the idea of negotiation more than define it for you.

The meanings and applications of some of these words and concepts may differ at times from what you and I were taught about them growing up. Some who read this book may disagree with my definitions altogether, for here again, we know that language is often a matter of interpretation more than scientific fact. In my attempt to help people make sense out of these ideas and words, I have found that these workable meanings have helped them to communicate better with others and to live their lives more effectively. I trust that my approach does no disservice to our language, but in fact enhances it.

You will not have to read this book from front to back to find it useful. Think of it as a resource to be used on a need to know basis. Feel free to pick and choose those topics that are relevant for you at any given time. Some of the chapters are more lengthy and well-developed than others, particularly Chapter 11, Understanding Expectations, Chapter 12, Understanding Faith and Trust, Chapter 13, Understanding Resentment and Forgiveness, and Chapter 22, How to Develop a Good Self-Concept. The issues discussed in these chapters have consistently been among the more difficult for many of my clients to understand and which they say have been most helpful to them in their therapy.

However, other people say they have benefited similarly from some of the shorter documents because they addressed a specific need of theirs at that time. Therefore, although the chapters vary in length and complexity, I hope you will find something useful in all of them. You may also discover that, as you read one chapter, you will be led to others that expand on the chapter you have just read. Several of the chapters are inter-related and together can serve to enhance all your life skills as you connect one concept to another and then to another.

I hope you will find Definitions for Living helpful in your daily communication and in the building of effective relationships with others, both personally and professionally.

Roy Austin

About the Author

Roy Austin received his bachelor’s degree from Hardin-Simmons University in Abilene, Texas and his master’s degree from Southwestern Seminary in Ft. Worth, Texas. He received his Ph.D. in Counseling and Guidance from East Texas State University.

Dr. Austin was a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licenses Marriage and Family Therapist. He was also a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

He was in private practice in Dallas, Texas from 1977 till 2005. Prior to that he taught psychology and held administrative positions at the university level. Dr. Austin and his wife, Karen, moved their residence to McKinney, Texas in 2003. He moved his practice to McKinney a year later.

In addition to his private practice, Dr. Austin conducted conferences and workshops in such areas as advanced communication skills, conflict resolution, stress management, functioning well in the workplace, effective parenting, relationships skills and self-esteem. He was a frequent speaker for church, school and civic groups and was a consultant to the business community.

He has two children and three grandchildren. Throughout his adult life his passions have been family, motorcycling, photography and woodworking.

Dr. Austin is retired and lives in western New Mexico.

About the Artist

Toni Austin-Allen is a multi-disciplinary artist and mindfulness teacher living in western New Mexico. Her true passion for art is kindled when working in collaboration with other artists and spiritual seekers as well as integrating her own arts to serve others. It is through these integrated experiences that she feels others are touched at a deeper place and can heal themselves.

This approach to the arts was the impetus for these paintings in Dr. Austin’s book. Through the use of careful communication, contemplation and artistic visualization, great understanding can begin. These paintings use watercolor and India ink on paper.

About the Art

Definitions For Living

Within each of us is a greater power. We may not always feel it, and we may not see it, but it is always present in our spiritual reflection. We must respect this power and use it to benefit not only ourselves but those around us as well. How you interpret this greater power is for you to discover in your personal journey through life. (cover)

Conflict

Body language plays such an important role in conflict. We hold our bodies tight, we turn away from the problem, we hold fast to our way of thinking even when we may be wrong. Conflict creates a chasm between people. It may create anger in one part of our mind and coldness in another, By bridging this chasm, we can enjoy lasting resolution to the differences between ourselves and others. (page 30)

Self-Criticism

Self-criticism is a heavy load to bear. It is unfortunate that so many people feel the need to carry this load throughout their lives because it is totally self-imposed. Nothing can be positive, light or fun. It is like living in the shadow of a heavy rock, or cloaked by a shroud. Fortunately, because it is self-imposed, it can also be cast off through kindness, patience and understanding of our own inner being. (page 43)

Faith and Trust

When there is faith and trust between two people, there is a delicate balance in the relationship. There is a softness and fluidity that make life more pleasant and easy going. Because it is a balance, it has to be well crafted and maintained at all times. (page 78)

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a rite o passage toward a greater enlightenment. It creates a cleansing of the mind and spirit much like a spring rain after a long dry period in the desert. Forgiveness allows us to look beyond ourselves, reach out to others and continue our walk through life with a genuine sense of inner peace. (page 93)

Selfishness

Selfishness breeds myopia and turmoil. Anger and struggle always seem to go hand in hand with selfishness. It creates a dark world that eventually ends in a spiritual death. (page 142)

– Toni Austin-Allen

A Legacy of Life

The door to the classroom opened just a bit, and the secretary softly asked me to join her in the hall. She had just received a message for me that Dad had suffered a heart attack and was in critical condition. By the time my wife, Karen, and I arrived at the hospital we had only a short time to see him. He was unconscious and did not know we were there. In a few moments he was gone.

Following the funeral, the family began the painful but necessary task of getting his business in order. While going through Dad’s desk at work, I found a letter in the top drawer. It was addressed to Karen and me. It was sealed, stamped and ready to mail. I was actually a little surprised, for Dad was not a writer of letters. Though we had kept in touch through phone calls and visits, he had rarely written me.

I took the letter aside and opened it. It was but one page, written hastily, it seemed. A chatty letter about his week: You already know about me being out a few days, but tomorrow is a new week and I will be blowing and a-going again - just a little flurry with my chest, but my heart is OK. A little further down: My, what a beautiful day! Say, I have some hogs now; it’s a break from the station to run out and feed them. The goobers [that’s West Texas for peanuts] are about all threshed. See you soon. Study a little, work some and live a lot. Love, Dad.

My father’s letter meant a great deal to me as the months and years went by. I had realized that it was probably the last thing he wrote before his death, that it was a personal note to Karen and me (which in itself made it special) and that it was the only piece of his writing I owned. It was not until a few years later, however, that its impact on my life really began to take shape in my mind.

Dad was a working man, the product of a generation that had seen two world wars and a devastating economic depression. He, like so many other millions of husbands and fathers, often found life a day-to-day struggle just to get by. He had not amassed any kind of fortune, had not built a great reputation - though he was highly respected in our community as a fine, honest and genuinely Christian man - nor had the time and energy to be the kind of father to me that I feel he had really wanted to be. Thus, I had thought that Dad had not been able to leave me much but some special memories and a few personal momentos.

Years passed. I had finished my education, established my own home and experienced much more of what life is about in my profession as teacher and therapist. Then one day, as I was browsing through some papers, I came across Dad’s letter. I glanced over it casually, as I had done on previous occasions, but then began to read it more carefully with renewed interest. I remembered that Dad had rarely written, that he had never spoken to me of his physical problems before that letter and that both had occurred the day before his death. It began to seem more and more as if he were taking this moment out of his day to tell me something. It was then that I noticed his last words to me: Study a little, work some and live a lot. Love, Dad.

As I read these words over and over, I became at first quite confused but then, with continued reflection, very excited. I was confused because it did not sound like what I thought he would have said, nor what he had been able to do in his own life. I became excited because, in hindsight and with more experience, I was beginning to understand that my father had given me much more than I had previously thought. He had left me no money, no business to inherit, no worldly reputation of success to coattail through life on. But in a few short words, with a wisdom beyond most, my father had given me a legacy of life!

STUDY A LITTLE

At first I simply could not understand how my dad could say that I should study only a little. He had not had the opportunity for advanced education, and he realized how it had limited his own life. He highly respected education and wanted it for all his children. But in retrospect, I began to understand what I believe my father meant by his first word of advice to me. I have watched many people with seemingly good intentions become professional students. They are always studying, reading, planning, going to school, doing research. But they lack the courage and commitment to go out in the world and put into practice what they have learned. I am confident Dad was saying to me, Son, get a good education, as much as you want. Learn as much about your world as you can. But do not ‘hole up’ in the classroom or the office or your home, always inventing the ‘better mousetrap.’ Sooner or later you have to get out and sell mousetraps! Don’t hide in intellectual pursuits to avoid living life to its fullest.

WORK SOME

This, too, I did not understand at first. My most vivid memory of my father had always been that of a worker. He had worked hard all his life trying to make ends meet. He did not have much time to play with me, go camping or fishing with me or even take time out for himself. He had no hobbies, little recreation and little time for days off or vacations. To "work some " was just not my father!

Now I am totally convinced that Dad was very simply and profoundly trying to tell me, "Son, please do not use my work life as a model for your own. I have worked hard because I had to, not because I have wanted to. Your life can be different. You live in a different day, with many more opportunities for a good life without constant labor. Take advantage of your generation. Don’t follow in my footsteps, workwise, just