Creating the Life You Want to Live: Vital Skills Your Parents and Teachers Never Taught You for Transforming Your Life and Relationships

By Florence Bienenfeld Ph.D. M.F.T.

By working as a therapist, with families for over thirty years, Florence Bienenfeld, Ph.D, MFT, has put together a truly kind, loving, personal guidebook to improve ones life and relationships. Creating the Life You Want to Live gathers decades of cutting edge therapeutic skills, Bienenfeld developed with thousands of patients, and presents them to you as a game changing opportunity. Through anecdotal case studies, contextual principles and mind/body healing exercises and practices, you learn to change your life by identifying and resolving debilitating issues that keep you from thriving so that you can create the life you want to live.

The suggestions I make throughout my book are intended to support you in achieving your goals. By the time you have finished reading, absorbing, and utilizing all vital skills, the goals you seek can become a reality. from Creating the Life You Want to Live.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Nov 5, 2014
• ISBN: 9781496941596

Florence Bienenfeld Ph.D. M.F.T.

Dr. Florence Bienenfeld has been a marriage, family, and child counselor for over forty years and served as a senior family counselor and mediator for the Conciliation Court of Los Angeles County for eleven years. She has counseled thousands of families and is the author of My Mom and Dad Are Getting a Divorce (AuthorHouse, 2002), a healing book about divorce for children ages four to twelve and their parents; Child Custody Mediation: Techniques for Mediators, Judges, Attorneys, Counselors and Parents (AuthorHouse 2002); Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce, a complete guide to helping children deal with divorce (Hunter House, Inc., 1995); Do-It-Yourself Conflict Resolution for Couples, a dynamic couple’s guide for resolving disagreements amicably and clearing away resentments (Career Press, 1999); Creating the Life you Want to Live (AuthorHouse, 2013). She and her husband, Mickey, also authored three cookbooks: The Vegetarian Gourmet (AuthorHouse 2013) (first edition sold over 65,000 copies); Healthy Baking (AuthorHouse 2013); and Mother Nature’s Garden (AuthorHouse 2013). The American Society of Clinical Hypnosis (ASCH) also certifies Dr. Bienenfeld in clinical hypnosis. Presently, she is in private practice in Pacific Palisades, California, specializing in short-term therapy, couple and family mediation, and child-custody mediation. In addition to being a therapist and author, Dr. Bienenfeld has been lecturing on cruise ships since 1990; leads seminars for groups; and has been blessed with a happy marriage, three children, and six grandchildren.

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Published by AuthorHouse 10/29/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4969-4160-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4969-4159-6 (e)

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Contents

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1 Easy Relaxation and Self-Hypnosis Skills for Relaxing the Body and Calming the Mind in Just Moments

Chapter 2 Secrets for Enjoying Life More and

Guidelines for Improving Your Life and Relationships

Chapter 3 Discover the Chance to Free Yourself from All That Is Negative in Your Life and Create the Life You Want to Live

Chapter 4 Learn Communication Skills and Go from Frustration to Cooperation, Closeness, Love, and Respect

Chapter 5 Anger Is Natural: Learn to Express Anger without Damaging Your Health and Relationships

Chapter 6 Reducing Deeply Ingrained Anger, Anxiety, Sadness, and Loneliness

Chapter 7 Rid Yourself of Unwanted Habits and Addictions: Effective Ways to Gain Control of Your Health and Well-Being

Chapter 8 New Hope for Troubled Relationships and Valuable Insights into How to Create New Beginnings

Chapter 9 Learn How to Create Inspiring, Healing Affirmations for Mind/Body Healing, Resolving Problems, and Achieving Your Goals

About The Author

To all who are willing to

discover and utilize

vital life skills

and create more

love, closeness, and magic

in their lives

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I wish to acknowledge the following for their help, support, and love: my wonderful family; my husband, Mickey, of sixty-two years; my three children and their spouses; and my six grandchildren. They are all the best!

Next, I wish to acknowledge the following for helping me make my book a reality: Terrie Barna of ASAP Word Processing & Editorial Service. She expertly did all of the word processing for this and my other books.

Next, I wish to acknowledge Janet Rosen, a literary agent with Sharee Bykovsky and Associates in New York City, who also found a publisher for my last book. I thank her for all her help and support.

Special thank you to Anne Stifter Bienenfeld, my daughter in law, for co-editing my book.

Last but not least, I wish to thank my friend Dr. Sheldon Kardener, psychiatrist and coauthor of Breaking Free: How Chains from Childhood Keep Us from What We Want, with Monika Olofsson Kardener.

FOREWORD

Dr. Bienenfeld, as in her prior publications, has brought together a wealth of wonderful clinical experience, helping people with a wide variety of emotional difficulties. She has synthesized and integrated these experiences with her own stories of personal development, which are shared openly and constructively. What results is a seamless flowing of wonderful ideas to help people let go of traps that otherwise rob them of experiencing their fullest potential in their own lives.

She presents her ideas in a well-organized fashion that flows easily and can be grasped readily. But of particular note is that these ideas are simple and straightforward, while at the same time quite profound. This is not just a superficial addressing of the distress with which so many came to her for help, but as the case illustrations indicate, they also are very deep and profound struggles contributing great dismay in her clients’ lives. As always, she offers rich direction for people hungry for improvement, while never overlooking that person’s potential need for consultation with other professionals, if so indicated.

It would be difficult for the reader not to come away with a deeper appreciation of what can be done to help one be freer of life traps, regardless of where that person may be in his or her own life path.

Sheldon H. Kardener, MD

Sheldon Kardener, MD—psychiatrist, clinical professor of psychiatry and bio-behavioral sciences at the University of California at Los Angeles and in private practice in Santa Monica, California, and coauthor with Monika Olofsson Kardener, MFT, of Breaking Free: How Chains from Childhood Keep Us from What We Want, Morgan James, New York, 2009.

INTRODUCTION

Within a few days from now, my husband and I will have the good fortune of celebrating our sixty-second wedding anniversary. I feel so blessed, especially because in my professional life as a marriage and family therapist, the clients I work with tend to have torturous problems in their relationships.

During the 1970s, I served for eleven years as a counselor and mediator at the Conciliation Court in Los Angeles County Courthouse. There, I interviewed thousands of couples who were getting a divorce and fighting over the custody of their children. I also interviewed each child separately. My goal was to encourage and assist the parents to cooperate as parent partners in raising their children.

We rarely think about or practice the vital skills featured and focused on in this book, and parents or teachers rarely teach them to us. By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have acquired many skills for getting along, but those skills alone are not ample. In this complicated, high-tech world, we desperately need all of the vital skills found in chapters 1 through chapter 9 to support and enhance our health and well-being.

– In chapter 1, easy instructions will teach you how to relax the body and calm the mind. With these vital skills, you will easily be able to take control of your own relaxation in just moments.

– In chapter 2, you will have the opportunity to learn vital skills for enjoying life more, with guidelines for improving your life and relationships.

– Chapter 3 offers you the chance to free yourself from all that is negative in your life, to consider and make lifestyle changes, and to create the life you really want to live.

– In chapter 4, learn communication skills, and go from frustration to cooperation, closeness, love, and respect.

– In chapter 5, learn how to express anger without damaging your own health and your relationships.

– In chapter 6, the dynamic processes will assist you in reducing deeply ingrained anger, anxiety, sadness, and loneliness.

– In chapter 7, learn effective skills for getting rid of unwanted habits and addictions, and taking control of your health and well-being.

– Chapter 8 gives new hope for troubled relationships and insights for how to create new beginnings.

– In chapter 9, learn how to create your own healing affirmations for mind/body healing and for achieving your goals.

As a therapist for over forty years, my purpose in writing Creating the Life You Want to Live is to introduce you, my readers, to skills that will help you create the kind of life you want and need, a life that gives you all the best that life has to offer. It is important to note that the names and circumstances of my clients, in this book, have all been changed to respect and protect confidentiality in the stories that I share.

The suggestions I make throughout my book are intended to support you in achieving your goals. By the time you have finished reading, absorbing, and utilizing all vital skills, the goals you seek can become a reality.

I send each of you my encouragement and my very best wishes.

CHAPTER 1

Easy Relaxation and Self-Hypnosis Skills for Relaxing the Body and Calming the Mind in Just Moments

I consider the skills for relaxing the body and calming the mind in this chapter as most valuable and important. This is because the relaxation skills in this chapter will have such a positive influence on your life and will enable you to benefit more from all the vital skills that will follow in chapters 2 through 9.

Skills for relaxing the body and calming the mind are vital for protecting our health and well-being. When it comes to relaxation skills, just sitting down in a comfortable armchair, watching television, or having a massage every once in a while to relax doesn’t cut it.

It is indeed a pleasure for me to pass on to you a variety of relaxation skills from which I have been fortunate to have benefited from, in so many ways, most of my life. The human body has amazing defense mechanisms for healing itself and protecting us from illness. However, in this complicated, high-tech world, we need skills for relaxing our body and calming our mind to keep us strong, happy, and healthy.

Even with the very best quality of life, stress is a part of it and stress comes from so many sources, such as when we make changes in our life, when we have worries, negative thoughts or feelings, sad or traumatic memories, suppressed feelings, perceptions of threat, poor health, illness and death of loved ones, or divorce. Whatever the cause of the stress, it activates changes in the body.

Current research indicates that 85 percent of all illnesses are stress-related, that stress is now considered the main determinant of longevity, and that even a mere suggestion of something stressful affects physiology and the immune system. For example, even just imagining being angry, afraid, or upset causes the blood pressure to rise, the heart to beat faster, and hormones to spew out adrenaline into every cell in the body, preparing the body to fight or flee.

The focus of chapter 1 is to give you interventions that can help you heal and support your own health and well-being. The easy relaxation techniques and self-hypnosis skills that you can lead yourself through will enable you to take control of your own relaxation and enhance the quality of your life and relationships.

To give you an idea of just how powerful the yoga-breathing practices are, I will tell you about my own experiences of using one of them. In the 1950s, before I became a therapist, I took a yoga class once a week. Fortunately for me—and all who took her classes—our yoga teacher, Clara Spring, not only taught us yoga postures but also taught us yoga breathing practices. They were easy to do and so relaxing. I remember Clara told us that if we focused on our breath, we could take control of our relaxation, and if we totally focused on our breath, we wouldn’t even feel pain.

Since then, I have found her words very true. In the 1980s, I was driving to the dentist to have a cavity filled. On the way, I remembered her words about totally focusing on the breath and not feeling pain, and I decided to try it. I told the dentist I wanted no anesthesia—that I was going to do yoga-breathing practices to relax. He was nervous about this but agreed to let me do it. By focusing on my counted breathing practice during each breath, I was conscious of what was happening. I could hear the drilling but could feel no pain at all. When he was finished, I asked the dentist how long the procedure had taken, and he said, Almost an hour. I was so amazed. It seemed like only five minutes to me. As I walked out of his office, I felt so empowered to have been able to do that.

Since then, I have had one big molar extracted, several oral surgeries done, and one operation on my leg in the hospital, all without anesthesia and with no pain during or afterward. It was as if no pain had registered at all. The anesthesiologist at the hospital had bet the surgeon that I couldn’t do it, and after the operation, he told me that now he was going to take the surgeon out for lunch, because he had lost his bet. I am not suggesting that you should try to do this. My husband and I share the same dentist, and he tells him, I’m not like my wife. I want Novocain!

My purpose in mentioning this at all is to let you know how powerful these breathing practices are for relaxing your body and calming your mind. As part of my private practice in clinical hypnosis, I teach my clients the skills of how to relax and how to use self-hypnosis—the same skills I now have the great pleasure of teaching to you.

As my written words lead you through all of the relaxation techniques and self-hypnosis skills, you will be able to experience which ones suit you the most, which techniques you might want to use before going to sleep, and which ones you might use for a short break during the day or when you are upset and need to calm down. I personally treasure these relaxation techniques and have used all of them myself for many, many years.

To get started, please read through the instructions for each relaxation and self-hypnosis exercise several times before commencing, and then follow the simple instructions and enjoy the benefits. May these vital relaxation skills serve you well!

Relaxation and Self-Hypnosis Skills*

1. The Hissing Breath with Imagery to Release Tension

Take in a deep breath. Hold it in for a moment, and then hiss the breath out through your clenched teeth, like a snake hisses, until every bit of breath is gone. Follow this exhalation with deep breaths. Repeat this technique again, but this time, as you hiss out your breath, imagine that all the stress or anger or disappointment or frustration is leaving you and going far, far away from you, to the other end of the universe. Repeat this hissing breath five to six times or until you feel calm and relaxed. It’s best not to do this technique in public. People might think you are strange, but if you must be around people, it is possible to hiss very softly, and they won’t even notice what you’re doing.

I once gave a relaxation seminar for my dentist’s staff, and I included this hissing breath. The next time I went to the dentist, his dental assistant said, Boy, that hissing breath you taught us is great! I have a very long commute getting to work and back. Before, I used to be so uptight, but now I just do about six hissing breaths, and then I’m calmed down and I listen to music. Thanks so much.

2. Observing the Breath

Close your eyes and just observe your breath. This can be done sitting, lying, or standing. Notice your lungs filling with air and then notice the air going out. Do not attempt to regulate or slow down the breath; just observe what your breath is doing naturally. It’s almost like watching the waves at the beach—the waves coming unto shore and the waves rushing back out to sea. After a few minutes, your breathing will begin to slow down on its own, and you will begin to experience relaxation. You can utilize this simple exercise anytime and anywhere. No one will even detect what you are doing. You can also use this for a short break or before going to sleep.

3. Counted Breathing Practice

Slowly inhale for two counts, hold that breath in for two counts, exhale that breath for two counts, and hold that breath out for two counts. Repeat this pattern twenty times and experience the relaxation. Once you become proficient in this technique, try slowing down your breath even more by inhaling as you count to three, holding your breath in for three counts, exhaling for three counts, and holding your breath out for three counts. With practice, gradually you may be able to slow your breath rate down to a count of four as you inhale, four as you hold it in, four as you exhale, and four as you hold your breath out.

This is the relaxation technique I used to put myself into trance at the dentist’s and oral surgeon’s and the hospital for leg surgery. I just kept focusing on this counted breathing practice continually. With each breath I silently count to four as I inhale, I count to four as I hold that breath in; then I count to four as I exhale, and I count to four as I hold that breath out (no breath). I also use this counted breathing practice before going to sleep and very soon fall into a deep sleep.

4. Head Rolls

Drop your head forward onto your chest, inhale as you bring your chin around toward the right shoulder, and slowly bring head back to chest as you exhale. Repeat bringing head to left shoulder, and then repeat entire exercise three times.

5. Palming

Rub your palms together until they feel warm. Cover your eyes gently with both hands and hold them over your eyes for thirty seconds. (Your elbows should be resting against your body or on a table or desk.) Repeat this a few times and relax.

6. Tapping

Gently tap shoulders, back, upper chest, and head as you take slow, deep breaths.

7. Self-Massage or Exchange with a Friend

Massage your neck, head, shoulders, back, calves, and feet.

8. The Sponge

The sponge is a yoga exercise that utilizes the breath to relax every part of the body, from head to toe.

Lie flat on your back or in a comfortable chair and close your eyes. Begin by observing your breath for a few minutes. Afterward, inhale deeply and hold your breath. As you exhale your breath, visualize letting go of all of the tension from your toes and feet. Inhale, hold your breath again, and as you exhale this breath, visualize letting go of all the tension from your ankles and calves. With each exhalation, progress upward from your feet to your head, gradually releasing tension from each part of the body: your thighs, genital-rectal area, hips, lower back, abdomen, mid-back, diaphragm, chest, upper back, shoulders, arms and hands, neck and throat, jaw and temples, eyes and forehead, nape of neck, and scalp. After you have gone through your entire body, inhale deeply, hold your breath, and as you exhale this breath, feel a wave of relaxation throughout your entire body from head to toe. Repeat this again, then rest quietly for a few minutes, taking slow deep breaths and relaxing more deeply with each breath. This relaxation technique can be used as a short break or as a way of totally relaxing before going to sleep.

9. Scanning

Scan your entire body for tense areas. As you come to any area that is tense, take a deep breath, and as you exhale this breath, let the tension go from that area along with the breath. Repeat for all tense areas.

10. Visualization: An Imaginative Trip to Your Own Special Place

This trip begins with a simple self-hypnotic procedure of closing your eyes and imagining a staircase in front of you with ten stairs (or an elevator, if you wish). Both are going down from ten to one. Then imagine, with your eyes closed, that you are going down one stair at a time (or one floor at a time) until you reach the bottom.

Next, imagine yourself stepping out onto a landing and seeing ahead of you a pathway that will take you to your own special place. This pathway can be any kind you create; for instance, it could be a pathway with shaded trees or a pathway through a meadow or on the beach or in the mountains.

When it comes to creating your special place, there are certain criteria: in order to help you relax and heal in every way, your special place must be a place where you feel very comfortable and very safe; a healing place where you can feel precious, loved, and happy; where you can feel a sense of well-being; feel free and feel so good to be alive. It could also be a very beautiful place just right for you in every way—your own creation.

You may want to read these instructions over again before starting your trip.

When you are actually ready to begin your journey to your special place for the first time, allow about twenty minutes and read the instructions below before closing your eyes.

1. Lie down or sit comfortably with your legs and arms uncrossed, and close your eyes.

2. Imagine yourself approaching the staircase or elevator that will take you down to the pathway and your special place.

3. Now begin by taking a deep breath, and as you exhale, imagine that you are stepping down one stair (or going down one floor) and say, Ten, to yourself. Take a deep breath again and upon exhalation, imagine going down to the ninth step or floor and say, Nine. Continue this deep breath, imagining going down, and saying to yourself the number of the step or stair until you have reached three, two, one.

4. Now that you are at ground level, imagine the pathway that will take you to your special place.

As you approach your special place, notice how it looks, how it feels, and how you feel being there. Allow yourself to feel comfortable, safe, and precious, and remember that you are precious. Sense that your special place is a healing place, a place to feel free and joyful, a place that can help you relax, and feel how good it is to be alive. Enjoy your special place whenever you wish. You know the way to get there. Your special place is always there for you!

5. When you are ready to leave your special place, come back the same way you came—to the pathway and up the stairs or elevator, counting yourself up from one to ten. Be sure to bring back with you some of the good feelings you enjoyed in your own special place. Just spending a little time in your own special place will help you feel good even when you leave there, because you know you can go there any time you wish.

11. Autogenics: Self-Hypnosis

Autogenics is a very easy and effective relaxation technique that can be completed in five to ten minutes, any time of the day or night, for a relaxing rest break during the day, before retiring, and even during the night if you should wake up and have difficulty going back to sleep. German psychiatrist Johannes H. Schultz developed this technique in the 1930s. I came across it in Leslie Kenton’s book Beat Stress (Ivy Books), and have used it often ever since.

Sit comfortably or lie flat and close your eyes. Silently give yourself the following commands, and repeat each command three times to yourself silently, as shown below:

1) My left arm is heavy. My left arm is heavy. My left arm is heavy.

2) My right arm is heavy. My right arm is heavy. My right arm is heavy.

3) Both arms are heavy. Both arms are heavy. Both arms are heavy.

4) Both legs are heavy. Both legs are heavy. Both legs are heavy.

5) Arms and legs are heavy. Arms and legs are heavy. Arms and legs are heavy.

6) Arms and legs are warm. Arms and legs are warm. Arms and legs are warm.

7) My breathing is slow and easy. My breathing is slow and easy. My breathing is slow and easy.

8) My heart rate is slow and rhythmic. My heart rate is slow and rhythmic. My heart rate is slow and rhythmic.

9) My solar plexus is warm. My solar plexus is warm. My solar plexus is warm.

10) My forehead is cool and clear. My forehead is cool and clear. My forehead is cool and clear.

11) I am at peace. I am at peace. I am at peace.

If you use autogenics for a mini-break, when you wish to bring yourself out of this self-hypnotic state, make two fists and then raise both arms over your head. Separate your fingers wide apart, open your eyes wide, and look at your fingers and at the ceiling. Otherwise, you might be groggy for a while. However, if you use autogenics before bed, there is no need to bring yourself out of it.

12. Telling Your Joints to Relax and Let Go

In my hypnosis handbook, Suggestions and Metaphors, an American Society of Clinical Hypnosis publication, I use an especially effective exercise for loosening every joint in the body, contributed by Beata Jencks, PhD. Called Loosening the Joints, her technique is similar to the Alexander technique, created over a hundred years ago by F.M. Alexander to enhance mobility, posture, and performance. I have slightly modified Dr. Jencks’s technique by adding the phrase that tells the body to relax each joint before telling that joint to let go. For example, Dr. Jencks’s words are Tell the shoulder to let go of the neck, but I say, Tell the shoulders to relax and let go of the neck.

I find that by telling each joint to relax first, before asking that joint to let go of another joint, creates more relaxation, and I also find that sitting comfortably anywhere, even in bed, works very well.

Below is my version of Loosening the Joints:

Either sit in a comfortable chair with your feet on the floor or lie flat on the floor or on a couch or bed, with your knees bent and your feet flat. Then, one after the other, give yourself all of the following commands as you relax and let go of every joint in your body:

• Tell the shoulders to relax now and let go of the neck.

• Tell the neck to relax now and let go of the head.

• Tell the head to relax now and let go of the jaw.

• Tell the throat to relax now and let go of the tongue.

• Tell the eye sockets to relax now and let go of the eyes.

• Tell the shoulders to relax now and let go of the upper arms.

• Tell the elbows to relax now and let go of the lower arms.

• Tell the wrists to relax now and let go of the hands.

• Tell the hands to relax now and let go of the fingers.

• Tell the spine and sternum to relax now and let go of the rib cage.

• Tell the lower back to relax now and let go of the pelvis.

• Tell the pelvis to relax now and let go of the tailbone.

• Tell the hip joints to relax now and let go of the upper legs.

• Tell the knees to relax now and let go of the lower legs.

• Tell the ankles to relax now and let go of the feet.

• Tell the feet to relax now and let go of the