How to be Wise: Dealing with the Complexities of Life

By Jim Lindsley

This is a book for those seeking to see life from a perspective that will enable them to do the right things--for themselves, for loved ones, and for society. When making life decisions we are too often overwhelmed by choices and feel there is no way to choose among them, or we may struggle to see the consequences of our choices.

"Wisdom" is a term used to describe the human capacity to make beneficial decisions and treat others ethically, especially in complex and complicated situations. Although there is no one simple formula for being wise, this book will help you to find ways to think, judge, and act more wisely. You will learn skills to better understand other people, conduct a constructive life, pass fair judgments, make choices, resolve conflicts, behave appropriately, and deal with the hardships that life throws at you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jim Lindsley
• Release date: Nov 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310734632

Jim Lindsley

Jim Lindsley is a clinical psychologist living in the Greater Boston area. He has taught How to be Wise at the Harvard Institute for Learning in Retirement and at Senior College of the University of Maine at Augusta. Previously, Dr. Lindsley has supervised and trained clinicians at The Cambridge Hospital, the Bedford VA, and Simmons College of Social Work, as well as providing psychotherapy trainings in Finland. Dr. Lindsley is a lifelong runner, hiker, and traveler.

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PREFACE

Do you wish you could see life from a perspective that would enable you to do the right things for yourself, loved ones, and society? Not only in the short term, but in the long run, too?

Are you concerned about doing the right thing but can’t always discern what that is?

When making a life decision, do you grapple with too many options and no way to choose among them?

Are you puzzled about why other people do what they do?

Would you like to find better ways to settle conflict and differences of opinion between yourself and others?

Are you overwhelmed with painful losses?

These are some of the issues that benefit from what is called wisdom in contemporary psychology. More generally, wisdom describes the human capacity to see the complexity in life situations, to make beneficial decisions, and to act ethically, especially in complex and conflicted situations. There is no one simple formula for being wise. This book hopes to help you find ways to think, judge, and act more wisely. You will learn skills to better understand other people, conduct a constructive life, pass fair judgments, make choices, resolve conflicts, behave appropriately, and deal with the hardships that life throws at you.

I developed my interest in wisdom (and wisdom therapy) after decades of practicing psychotherapy, primarily focusing on helping people to overcome specific difficulties in the way they functioned. Over time, I became more interested in helping people become generally more adept in their functioning. To a certain extent I was able to do this by using the tools and goals of Cognitive-Behavioral therapy. In Cognitive-Behavioral therapy there is less emphasis on identifying weaknesses, what is wrong, and the origins of psychological issues, and more emphasis on identifying more realistic thinking and more constructive ways of behaving.

To further the work of helping people to develop emotional strengths and cognitive and behavioral skills, I began studying the new field of Positive Psychology. I found particularly appealing its emphasis on identifying and cultivating strengths and helping people to make use of the strengths and skills they already had, as well as cultivating new ones. I recall a patient who would make suicide attempts when distressed, in order to get immediate attention at an ER and, thereby, to be admitted to an inpatient psychiatric ward where he got emotional support. In addition to exploring why he did this, it was gratifying to help him locate a day-treatment program that he could contact and attend the next day when he felt distressed and in need of emotional support. In this way he was utilizing a more adaptive strength that he was capable of.

Around the same time I also discovered that there existed a psychology of wisdom. Robert Sternberg. Professor of Human Development at Cornell University and Paul Baltes of the Wisdom Project at the Max Plank Institute for Human Development in Berlin seemed to be leading the way in developing descriptions of wisdom in psychological terms. Wisdom seemed a great thing to develop, and their descriptions of it provided a starting point for what to do to develop it. Their definitions of wisdom included both its goals: to serve self, others and society; and its means: broad perspective, emotional restraint, value relativity, analytic and practical knowledge. Their descriptions of wisdom made it seem all the more desirable and learnable. Other writers on wisdom added to the appeal of this possibility, including Stephen Hall (Wisdom: From Philosophy to Neuroscience), and Barry Schwartz and Kenneth Sharpe (Practical Wisdom: The Right Way to do the Right Thing).

As exciting and appealing as these ideas and conceptualizations of wisdom were to me, I felt something was missing. They all gave few examples of wisdom in action. What did wisdom look like when applied to complex human dilemmas? What is the wise person thinking and doing? This absence inspired me to want to give examples of wisdom in action in concrete situations that most of us experience at some point in our lives. This, in turn, led me to the realization that often people consult a psychotherapist not because of some deficit or weakness in their character or functioning, but because they are dealing with a challenging and complex life issue. Whether in marriage, divorce, parenting children, taking care of parents, dealing with others at work—I found the people who consulted me were struggling to make hard decisions, to understand somebody else, to bring about a constructive outcome in a conflicted decision, to do the right thing. I thought they were looking for what we might call wisdom skills. As I began to look through the books on my shelf and to do more research, I realized that some wisdom skills already exist in psychotherapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy. I expanded this awareness when I read the work of Fred Hanna and Allen Ottens in their 1995 article The Role of Wisdom in Psychotherapy in the Journal of Psychotherapy Integration (55, 195-219). They explained how psychotherapy did not just help people solve immediate emotional issues, but taught them needed life-skills that served for more adaptive functioning in the rest of their lives.

My first stab at working on wisdom was to develop a workshop for clinicians on the development of wisdom when needed in their psychotherapy clients. In working on this project I came across Kai Baumann & Michael Linden’s Weisheitskompetenzen und Weisheitstherapie (Wisdom Competencies and Wisdom Therapy). (Unsurprisingly, the book was in German, given that many of the wisdom theorizers and researchers I came across, such as the late Paul Baltes, were German.) Baumann and Linden’s work also included specific wisdom skills and examples of life dilemmas that require wisdom.

As my thinking, work with, and collected written materials about the specifics of wisdom expanded, so did my identification of human dilemmas that could be addressed by wisdom. At this juncture, feeling that what I had brought together could be useful to other people, I began teaching my material on wisdom not just to therapists, but to the public. I first did this in the Senior College program at the University of Maine at Augusta, and later at the Harvard Institute for Learning in Retirement. This book grew out of teaching in these venues and the valuable insights I gained from these students who were more advanced in years.

Learning and applying wisdom skills is a lot of work and takes practice and persistence. But as with many other challenging performance skills, there is a deeply satisfying and rewarding pay-off that comes from its increasing mastery. Each chapter in this book covers a specific aspect of wisdom and can be read independently. You can learn wisdom skills one-by-one and then, as you develop and advance, you will see how several of these skills can be combined in powerful ways. I encourage you to linger on each individual chapter and practice applying its skills to situations in daily life for a week or so before going on to another chapter.

Since wisdom is about developing the capacity to be wise more than about understanding perspectives, theories, and approaches, each chapter of the book contains exercises and points for discussion, for you to ponder and work through alone or with others. I hope that after reading and working with this book you will find yourself appreciating the complexity of human life, as well as feeling more in control of your life and satisfied that you are doing better things for yourself and others.

I have also included a number of case examples in the book. These case examples not only illustrate theoretical points but also offer opportunities for the interested reader to practice internalizing wisdom skills. Book groups or classroom teachers can also use the case examples along with the exercises as launch points for further discussion and exploration. Given that so much of the existing writing on wisdom from a psychological perspective is rather abstract and intellectual, I have included some of this material in Appendices that the interested reader with a more academic bent can consult, and that the general reader, who is more interested in concrete skills, can be comfortably spared.

Finally, on our respective paths towards increasing wisdom we might consider the following from the Chinese (through the German):

Der Kluge lernt nach dem ersten Fehler,

Der Dumme nach dem x-ten Fehler,

Der Weise lernt nie aus.

Chinesisches Sprichwort

(The clever learn after the first mistake,

The dumb after many mistakes,

The wise never stop learning.

Chinese saying)

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION: WHAT IS WISDOM?

We all seek wisdom. We want to know the right thing to do in specific situations as well as how to conduct our lives so that they are fulfilling and worthwhile. Recent research by Igor Grossman and associates comparing analytic and wise thinking has shown that wiser people are inclined to have greater overall life satisfaction, greater satisfaction in their social relationships, less negative affect, less brooding, and better handling of social conflict (Grossman et al, 2012). We will consider later why this might be.

Countless offerings of wisdom exist in the form of religious tenets, traditional proverbs, psychological theories and research, as well as in the voluminous self-help literature found wherever books are sold. Often we hope for some simple principle, or principles, that can guide us through the confusing morass of life. Yet often we do not find simple principles for the most challenging issues. And so we continue to seek.

Wisdom is more than just knowing something about life and some ways of dealing with life. It does not take wisdom to save for retirement or to marry a kind and generous person. At the other extreme, wisdom is not relevant to so ordinary a task as changing a flat tire. On the other hand, wisdom is not the province only of great thinkers and actors on the world’s stage, such as Lincoln saving the Union, Gandhi liberating India, or Mandela re-uniting South Africa. Wisdom is not needed only for important domestic and global issues such as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict or American health care reform.

So what is this slippery concept called wisdom? As John Chaffee (1998) notes in The Thinker’s Way, while not needed for problems that are trivial to solve, wisdom might best be applied to our more complex and challenging issues, yet at the same time is something that can be used in our everyday lives.[1] Wisdom might come in handy when a person needs to make an honest explanation to someone they have hurt emotionally, while remaining careful not to say something that would implicate others unnecessarily. Wisdom might be the higher-level skill required when the flat tire must be fixed to take an injured person for medical help while the rest of the group tries to negotiate with terrorists who have ambushed and threatened death. Wisdom is further required when coping with uncertainties—will the terrorists demonstrate mercy? Is the person who has been hurt resilient or revengeful? Coping with uncertainties then becomes an integral aspect of wisdom. These situations, in which it is difficult to get from the immediately available information to an optimal or correct solution, are characterized by what Daniel Kahneman & Gary Klein refer to as low-validity tasks (2009, 515-16). They entail seeing the multifariousness and nuance in life’s situations and dilemmas, particularly novel ones, with the goal of optimizing outcomes. Wisdom from this perspective refers to dealing with the complex and challenging situations sometimes referred to as the hard cases of life. What does this specifically entail in the realms of skills, knowledge, and values? Where is the boundary, if there is one, between wisdom and simple cleverness, intelligence, or specific learned skills?

It might seem that wisdom could best be facilitated by following rules of judgment and behavior. But as Barry Schwartz and Kenneth Sharpe point out in their book, Practical Wisdom (2010), optimal responses in many life situations require an attentiveness to the situation’s nuances and complexities that goes beyond anything strictly formulated in a set of rules. Strict adherence to rules can even lead at times to very unwise behavior. That can be seen in the following maxims.

Wisdom in Ancient and Modern Proverbs & Sayings: How Wise are They?

Proverbs, sayings, and religious commandments handed down through the ages are often regarded as the embodiments of pre-literate cultural wisdom, a folk repository of wisdom. [2] So-called wise sayings can often be found as quotes from leading figures or encountered in modern advice and self-help books. At the very least these directives can suggest aspects of living and behavior that we have not previously considered. But are they truly wise? Do they need more nuance? As you read the proverbs and aphorisms below you might want to linger on each one and ask yourself two questions:

What truth or helpfulness does it contain?

What truth or helpfulness is missing?

Proverbs and Aphorisms

Simple Sayings

Proverbs and aphorisms often provide commentaries on human realities and constructive advice as to how to lead our lives. Yet they are often inadequate to address complex situations.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (The Golden Rule, Jesus Christ)

At first glance, this makes complete sense. Not a bad start for consideration towards others. But what if others want to be done unto in ways different than you would want; e.g. one of you is a hedonist, the other a stoic or masochist? What if there is a conflict between what they would like to have and what would be good for them, as with someone addicted to drugs or alcohol? What if you would not want your life prolonged if in pain but they want to live as long as they can regardless? Again, what if you are a masochist; would you torment them? If you are self-destructive or a criminal, would it be wise to do unto others as you would want to be treated? And what about others, the community, how are they collectively to be treated? How do they want you to treat your neighbor, and is that worth considering? In short, moral and constructive behavior towards other individuals and collectives involves a lot of considerations and choices that simply knowing what you may want does not capture.

Carpe diem (Seize the day) (Horace)

Yes, by all means, go out and enjoy life and don’t delay. But does repose have a place in the scheme of things? What about attentiveness to the coming days? Should young people party day and night or apply themselves to their studies so that in the future they may enter a meaningful and remunerative profession? Perhaps this saying is for the well-off elderly to heed, as they have the resources, yet little time left in which to enjoy the things of their perishing world.

Opposing Sayings

Sometimes there are opposing sayings that taken together cover more possibilities than either one can do alone. Taken together they provide a further step towards a wisdom that is defined by discerning the complexities inherent in human realities.

He who hesitates is lost. (The early bird gets the worm. Strike while the iron is hot.)

Sometimes quick action is necessary. Yet other times it is best to "Look before you leap, or be concerned that Haste makes waste."

A penny saved is a penny earned. (Take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves.)

Not spending money unnecessarily can be a great substitute for extra work and encourage saving for future needs. But is this always true or the best alternative? How about the saved penny in an era of hyper-inflation or, by contrast, in an era of great investment opportunities? And is there the risk of: "Penny-wise is pound-foolish? And is there never a place to Gather ye rosebuds while ye may (Robert Herrick, To the Virgins"), especially when one is near death?

Birds of a feather flock together.

Friends often share values, beliefs, and interests; often they have similar socioeconomic positions, religious affiliations, gender and sexual orientation, and so forth. Yet it is also said that "Opposites attract," especially in the romantic realm. How can this be? A household with children will flourish if the parents’ skills and perspectives complement one another. For example, if one parent’s skills and inclinations best fit the marketplace while the other parent feels most comfortable as a homemaker and a child-raiser, they will be a better parenting team. If meanwhile they also are part of a larger flock in other complementary ways, i.e., part of a diverse community of many talents and inclinations, then all the better, despite having varied ‘feathers.’

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Certainly. But ill-considered ventures can entail considerable losses. Nothing ventured, but should we not wait for that "tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune…? (Julius Caesar, 4:3: 218-19). Besides, do not All things come to he who waits? Then, too, we might go to the other extreme with Epictetus and find all reward in what spontaneously prevails: Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well (Epictetus). In short, Leave well enough alone"?

Life’s guiding principles and decisions require more nuance and consideration of contexts than these sayings can provide. All proverbs have their applicability, but most would not apply in all contexts. As Santayana said, "Almost every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it." Or as Joseph Jacobs put it in his translation of Gracian’s The Art of Worldly Wisdom: Which maxim are we to act upon? That depends on circumstances, and the judgment that can decide on the circumstances can do without the maxims (Gracian 1892).

Nuanced Sayings

Look at the more nuanced sayings below and see if you can find more teachings about wisdom.

Everything has two sides.

Isn’t that the central point about life? However, some matters may have only one side with validity (Evolution versus Creationism; Climate Change versus its denial) or a multiplicity of sides (religions, political philosophies and positions).

The true rule in determining to embrace or reject anything, is not whether it has any evil in it, but whether it have more of evil, than of good. There are few things wholly evil, or wholly good. Almost everything, especially of governmental policy, is an inseparable compound of the two; so that our best judgment of the preponderance between them is continually demanded. (Abraham Lincoln, June 20, 1848).

Not bad at all, in that it captures the complexity of things in which the desired and undesired are often, though not always, inextricably intermingled.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. (The Serenity Prayer, Reinhold Niebuhr).

This is nuanced, acknowledging that different circumstances entail different options. Evolutionary analysis of behavioral repertoires show that animals, too, are wired to behave differently in different environmental circumstances, as noted by David Wilson in Evolution for Everyone (Wilson 2008). However, wisdom is most required in circumstances involving a multiplicity of factors, some of which may be changeable, others not.

Even in my innovations I liked to feel that I was, above all, a continuator. Farther back, beyond Trajan and Nerva, now become officially my father and my grandfather, I looked for example even to those twelve Caesars so mistreated by Suetonius: the clear-sightedness of Tiberius, without his harshness; the learning of Claudius, without his weakness; Nero’s taste for the arts, but stripped of all foolish vanity; the kindness of Titus, stopping short of his sentimentality; Vespasian’s thrift, but not his absurd miserliness. These princes had played their part in human affairs; it devolved upon me, to choose hereafter from among their acts what should be continued, consolidating the best things, correcting the worst, until the day when other men, either more or less qualified than I, but charged with equal responsibility, would undertake to review my acts likewise (Yourcenar 1954).

Here, too, it is shown that there are many qualities that are desirable and that one or the other of these virtues may be found in various individuals (who are neither all good or all bad), but not all are to be found in any one individual. (One might also see Marcus Aurelius Book 1, Meditations, for a longer list of virtues acquired from forebears.)

More accurate or useful sayings are nuanced in their consideration of what conditions apply or what multiplicity of relevant factors is present in any given situation. To be wise it is generally advisable to be aware when simple generalities do not suffice. Short pithy sayings, although easily memorable and good guides to constructive action, are inadequate to capture the attentiveness to nuance that is at the heart of wisdom.

For a few more examples of sayings and their analysis, see Appendix 1.

The Hard Cases (of Life)

The wise advice above generally has its realms of applicability. Following some of it might make for a better life, as does following moral precepts or obeying the law. But such advice rarely covers the multifariousness of life circumstances. It may not suffice for the hard cases of life. What is meant by the hard cases of life? In the simplest terms this can mean the situations covered by the expression, damned if you do and damned if you don’t. These are situations in which there are many aspects to consider, and for which an optimal solution becomes extremely complicated to envision or to attain, especially if you are unable to see beyond the immediate and obvious. Such situations can be rated in terms of their degrees of complexity and thereby the degree of wisdom required to handle them optimally.

In a simple conflict between two people (for example a couple in conflict over whether to vacation on Cape Cod or in the White Mountains) there may be only two factors to consider: his and her preferences. A couple of simple examples of win-win wise decisions were reported by Randy Pausch in The Last Lecture (2008). He was conflicted about continuing his teaching job at a university or working for the Disney company, a conflict he resolved by continuing his teaching and consulting one day a week for Disney (plus getting his students jobs there). Then when he was in conflict with giving his last lecture (he was dying of pancreatic cancer) or spending, for the last time, his wife’s birthday with her, he had her come to the lecture, during which he presented a large birthday cake to her as the audience sang Happy Birthday. These were fine win-win solutions that involved the wisdom to see they were not the incompatible either-or choices they initially appeared to be.

However, if in any of these cases the wishes and concerns of the couples’ children or parents or friends or, say, allergies, were involved, the number of factors requiring consideration would multiply. The more complex the factors and concerns involved, the more demanding is the need for wisdom to find optimal solutions that a simple principle may not offer. In most of the illustrative situations or dilemmas to follow in this book, the number of factors will be high and the degree of wisdom required will be correspondingly high and challenging to attain. Consider a case that illustrates just how rich wise consideration can be in a situation that may initially appear simple.

The Mystery of the Sphinx: Miscreant Adolescents’ Developmental Issues?

The school-head of a private mid-western high school discovered that his personal statue of a sphinx, the school’s mascot, had been stolen from his yard one night shortly before graduation. It had then been painted gold and, despite its size and weight (a couple of hundred pounds), somehow placed on the roof of the two-story Arts building, which was locked. How might the school-head respond? When I asked various people about this, some of the responses I got were the following.

*Appreciate it as a graduation prank and turn the other cheek.

*See it as a serious theft and dangerous behavior and pursue with the police the apprehension and punishment of the perpetrators.

*Take it as a personal attack and respond with anger or self-recrimination.

*Bask in the glow of it as an expression of love by some of his students.

Would any of these be wise responses? Perhaps; perhaps not. What emotions might he have felt? What factors might he take into account in making a decision? How do you think he might most wisely think, judge, feel and, ultimately, deal with this situation?

Feelings and Considerations

For Himself:

*Vulnerable and frightened on learning that individuals could come onto his property at night and act without arousing his or his dogs’ attention.

*Both sad and angry at the loss of/damage to a valued piece of property.

*Confused and curious as to why this was done and (seemingly) done to him.

*A wish for some contrition and apology on the part of the perpetrators of this act.

*A need for some restitution and for the perpetrators to replace the statue.

*Admiration for the boldness and skill in pulling off the stunt.

For the Perpetrators:

Who?

*Was an adult complicit in the act, given that the building was locked?

*Did some clique or ethnic group among his students or even students from another school do it?

*Could someone not connected to the school be the culprit?

Why?

*Appreciated that this was likely an adolescent prank with no great harm intended, seeing it, too, in the context of adolescent culture and immature judgment.

*Concerned as