Cultural Grief: A Guide for Expatriates

By Martina Famos

Are you an expatriate? Have you ever thought: "I feel I'm not myself", "I'm lost", "This isn't me" or "How will I ever feel at home here"?

Countless expatriates have found themselves in crisis after moving to a new country, and many experiences of relocation have led to hardship for individuals and their loved ones.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Martina Famos
• Release date: Mar 17, 2022
• ISBN: 9783033090675

Martina Famos

The intercultural atmosphere Martina Famos has grown up with has formed her natural talent for understanding different cultures, the clashes that can arise when people have contrasting sociological reasoning, and has set the ground for contributing professionally to a peaceful multicultural society. Besides her experience as a counselor working with international individuals and couples in difficult situations, she has the exceptional ability to guide expatriates with a pragmatic and compassionate concept through their integration process. Her studies are on the individual psychology of Alfred Adler. Further methods of study are the counseling concept of Rudolf Dreikurs and the art of encouragement by Theo Schoenaker. She graduated and later worked as a tutor at the Akademie für Individualpsychologie in Switzerland.

Book preview

Introduction

Over the years, internationals have come to my practice in Zurich aiming to put an end to their struggles. Those who had just relocated or moved sometime before were shocked by the crazy ride their emotions were taking them on.

One session was enough to see them back in a state of clarity and ease. What helped them was knowing that what they felt was nothing to fear.

Let’s jump right into the topic because I know you need answers. And by the way, thank you so much for picking up my book. I very much appreciate that our paths have crossed, and I hope our connection will continue to develop in one way or another.

We should be aware that humans are social beings. We are born into human society as socially embedded individuals, and the life we live isn’t just social, but also unavoidably social. Even though a problem that an individual experiences may seem like an isolated life challenge, in some way all the problems people face are interpersonal relationship problems. And for some who relocate, the difficulty becomes a crisis for three reasons: identity confusion, cultural grief, and a lack of belonging.

Our identity is molded by and located in the people around us. When people are subjected to an unfamiliar social environment, which was the case when you moved to a new home, you might not have realized that your identity was left behind. Still, you may have heard yourself say I feel I’m not myself, I’m completely lost, or even This isn’t me.

Like after a breakup or the passing of someone important in one’s life, it can take quite some time to adjust to new circumstances. The absence of someone or something needs to be processed. The challenges during the time of transition are grieving for cultural losses, simultaneously regaining one’s identity in which the past is integrated, and parallel to that, the task of building a notion of belonging.

You left things behind, people you liked and loved, and interactions that felt easy and natural. Life needs to be established in the new destination; you go grocery shopping, to the post office, and run the normal daily errands. But the circumstances you had back home are now different, and when reflecting upon them, these are perceptions you’re not familiar with. This can lead to situations with multiple barriers. Over time, information of loss after loss is being intellectually registered: lost familiarity, lost self, lost connections, lost support, lost voice, lost courage, lost abundance.

When our brains register a loss, it initiates a grieving process. We don’t only grieve for the loss of loved ones through death. We grieve for relationships that come to an end, lost items that felt meaningful, or the person we once were. We can also grieve for our youth, for the times when our children were still living at home, and for any time in life that we had once cherished or simply had got accustomed to but is now over.

Therefore, relocating can start with a mourning phase for many people. If you’re struggling to be the person you used to be, this is, without a doubt, the case for you too. This state of being is for many so confusing, as one wouldn’t think that after having deliberately chosen to relocate for all good reasons, after being excited about this new life, these new beginnings would start with grief. The emotions aren’t coherent with what one believes should be a happy and privileged reality. Some feel guilty and ashamed about being unhappy when they think they should be so grateful for their chance to move.

You may have expected to feel empowered and courageous to process the new experiences you were mentally ready for. Still, since your brain simultaneously also received information about losses, there are two very different journeys in need of your attention. Knowing this will help you accept what’s going on with you, and consequently embrace the duplication of the integration process. Not knowing can make you feel anxious, disappointed in yourself, angry, or even hostile towards the people around you. You could feel yourself acting irrationally, questioning your decision to relocate, and being sad and crying for no obvious reasons.

You mourn for what you left behind: things, circumstances, and human connections, as well as the person you were back then. Mourning is a vulnerable condition in which we become extremely conscious of how existential human connections are to us. And at the same time, we prefer to withdraw from others. You didn’t relocate to become a hermit, did you? Your mind is ready to embrace the new; however, the rest of you needs to process the losses. To do so, you will need some moments of quietness, or even a bit of solitude. One can very well spend some time alone, and other times in company, while remaining mindful of not rejecting uncomfortable feelings.

The instructions in this book can guide you towards finding a balance between the hermit going within and the adventurer voyaging out—and to manage this transition of integrating into your new home.

1: The Challenges of Expatriation

Nowadays, we can visit the country we plan to move to before setting foot in it. We can research the ins and outs on the internet and prepare ourselves, in multiple ways, to avoid simply diving in head-first. However, what we cannot prepare ourselves for is the emotional factor—how we will ultimately feel once our new life in the host country begins, and the day-to-day realities as routines set in. The cold hard truth sometimes looks quite different from what we may have imagined while in the comfort and familiarity of our homeland, surrounded by friends, family, and colleagues.

At this point, you may feel confused about why or how something that had seemed genuinely and realistically manageable, or even exciting, has become problematic or difficult. You may sometimes feel like you made the wrong choice.

Some people feel out of place immediately after relocating, even within the first weeks. Others find they’re doing very well for a long time, but when something significant changes in their life, the challenges of living abroad begin to surface.

Someone may have had a relatively easy experience as a single person, but the very fact of entering a committed relationship abroad gives rise to unexpected losses. A student may have thought about moving back after their studies. Although the choice to stay to be with the partner is deliberate, settling down for good requires sacrifices.

Becoming a parent is also an enormous change that can trigger new hardships, such as a lack of a support system or experiencing that special time far from those close to our heart. This situation may leave one overwhelmed, anxious, or with a sense of loneliness. Taking a child to childcare or helping them integrate into the school system means seeing the country from a very different angle. Conventions, which before may have seemed relatively easy to navigate, take on a new vantage point.

Retirement