Lessons from the Couch: How Anxiety and Depression Have Been Given a Bad Rap

By Dr. William E. Ward

We all go through events of the day more surviving than living. There are times of sadness and depression we don't understand. We often feel overwhelmed but hate to admit it. We experience alienation and loneliness, even hatred and anger, and feel forced to repress it all. We put a great deal of energy into hiding our limitations, fearing personal humiliation and rejection from others. As a result, we often feel disconnected from others. We feel it is necessary to hide our real selves in order to have any connection at all. Most importantly, we wonder if our life has any purpose and if what we do is meaningful. We sit and pray yet wonder if God can be part of all this.

Here's the question, "Would you stay the way you are if you thought you had another choice?" If your answer is no, that you would change if you felt you could, keep reading. This is the book for you!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 5, 2022
• ISBN: 9798886162059

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Lessons from the Couch

How Anxiety and Depression Have Been Given a Bad Rap

Dr. William E. Ward

ISBN 979-8-88616-204-2 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88616-205-9 (digital)

Copyright © 2022 by Dr. William E. Ward

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Preface

Part 1

We Are Too Human Not to Be Crazy

We All Have Pimples

Don't Let Your Goose Bumps Get Goose Bumps

We Are All Addicted

Our Obsession with Potholes

Our Pendulum

Our Coloring Book

History Does Repeat Itself

What We Try to Avoid, We Create

Part 2

It's As Easy As A-B-C

Pieces of a Dream

Psychology Is Not Enough

Notes

About the Author

To all my clients who had the courage to share their lives with me, I am beyond grateful for the lessons I have learned.

Preface

Here's the reality—we cannot honestly say we love who we are. At the very least, we do not love ourselves enough.

We are so busy and caught up in the details of our lives, with little time to spare. We often feel stuck, reacting to an endless array of mundane tasks. We may be married and a parent, doing the best we can to raise our children. Or we may be single, searching for the right mate while at the same time developing a career. In both situations, we are fighting the morals and values of society. We work fifty to sixty hours a week, wondering how we got ourselves into this position. We try to keep up with our social life and struggle to find some personal time.

We have feelings we wish we did not have and would be embarrassed if anyone knew them. At the same time, we demean ourselves for having fears and anxieties. We are doing everything in our power not to feel inferior or vulnerable.

Here's another reality—we don't feel we have any real choices.

We go through the events of the day more surviving than living. There are times of sadness and depression we don't understand. We often feel overwhelmed but hate to admit it. We experience alienation and loneliness, even hatred and anger, and feel forced to repress it all. We put a great deal of energy into hiding our limitations, fearing personal humiliation and rejection from others. As a result, we often feel disconnected from others. We feel it is necessary to hide our real selves in order to have any connections at all. Most importantly, we wonder if our life has any purpose and if what we do is meaningful. We sit and pray yet wonder if God can be a part of all this.

Here's the question, Would you stay the way you are if you thought you had another choice?

If your answer is no, that you would change if you felt you could, keep reading.

This is the book for you!

The fact that you have chosen to read this book means something is already going on within you. You are searching. This book is intended to help you with your search and help you reach a new perspective of both yourself and others. It is meant to encourage you to reach inside yourself to experience the depth of your thoughts and the scope of your feelings. This reaching inward is no easy task, as you may already know. It is a daily exercise that requires effort and courage. To step onto this path calls for us to fight against our personal goals and desires that are consistently tempting us in another direction. It is a calling to be unique, to be a distinct personality within a social setting that primarily survives in the trite and superficial. In accepting this challenge, you will begin to experience not only insights about yourself and the life you are living, but you will also begin to embrace the rewards of true meaning and purpose.

As you travel on this mystical path, you need not feel you are alone. You will be encouraged to seek out others who are accepting this challenge to be true to self. Many have already accepted this challenge, as noted in all the recent interest regarding the soul. It is a life beyond the routine. It is a hunger for a more spiritual life away from the stunted and antiquated positions of society and religions. You will be invited to join them and to breathe in their support. Like you, they have listened to the gurus who are taking the road less traveled. They agree we are in the midst of a crisis, socially and personally. They refuse to ignore the potential for us all to change. It is a crisis clearly stated by Eknath Easwaran, the founder of the Blue Mountain Center of Meditation, as he reflected on the life of Mahatma Gandhi. He explains, The crisis that threatens our lives today is not so much political as spiritual, personal and social matters of alienation, isolation, and increasing polarization between men and women, old and young.¹ It is, therefore, both an individual and societal crisis. The crisis involves the many people who remain stuck in the mediocrity of the norm, often leading them to periods of boredom, emptiness, and even depression. Whether you are still part of one or both of these positions, you will be able to use the ideas presented in this book as a means to create a new path for yourself. You will acquire a new sense of freedom and the courage to move forward into the unknown. In doing so, you must feed the desire to love yourself more, to seek a life with more purpose and meaning, and to dress yourself in a cloak of faith and love.

When I was in graduate school, a plaque was hung on one of my walls. It simply stated, In order to reach new horizons, one must leave the shore. The author was not cited, but the invitation always sounded exciting until one realized an important part was left unsaid. One never reaches the new horizon automatically or immediately. As one leaves the security of the shore, there are always periods of time where one is out in the middle of the ocean—no doubt this is a scary place to be. This is where the craving for a more meaningful life must be part of our primary motivation. It is where we must rise above the waters of fear or doubt and believe there is more to life than the comfort of remaining on the shore. We must consistently remind ourselves we are leaving the shore for definitive reasons. Going back can never be an option. We need to develop patience and discipline. In time, an intrinsic faith in ourselves must overcome resignation. We need to also believe that, in time, we will experience the rewards courage brings, followed by the excitement and eagerness to know more.

We all have experienced the humdrum life of our personal shore. The majority of us, when we are being truly honest with ourselves, seem to mutually share a common denominator as we respond to the daily tasks of life. In one way or another, we experience a strong sense of vulnerability that affects us physically, mentally, and emotionally. Various levels of anxiety and fears of failure arise each time we sense vulnerability. We often express the experience of being worn out. At other times, we are overwhelmed with the demands and expectations placed upon us. We know the term overwhelmed should not be taken lightly. People, places, situations, and even the thoughts within us often seem too much to handle. Slowly, as we move through our adult lives, the solutions to life's problems become more complicated and seem more difficult to resolve. Feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy creep into our minds more often than we would like to admit. It is a time when we are especially challenged to face who we are as human beings while avoiding the temptation to ignore these issues for another day.

Primarily on an unconscious level, we tend to struggle with our feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy. We tend not to address vulnerabilities openly in fear we will be left with only a condescending picture of who we are. With a distorted attitude about being human, who we are and what we could be, admitting to feelings of vulnerability is deemed by many as a demeaning and derisive activity. As we enter our adult years, becoming more educated and intellectual, we develop the ability to fight these feelings of shame on a more advanced cognitive level. With a great deal of energy and creativity, we develop a range of defenses to hide these vulnerable thoughts and feelings from both ourselves and others. We activate our defense systems, all forms of denial, perhaps more than we would like to admit. Our true selves become overshadowed by protective walls, smothering true creativity and exploration. We place several layers of protective gloves on our ego in reaction to the many times we feel the pain of being human. For a time, the gloves may work, but they always leave us with the inability to genuinely feel and think as our true selves.

Focusing on and fearing the vulnerable part of ourselves, we miss numerous opportunities to recognize and enact the creative part of who we are. Our defenses turn into habits. We sense the vulnerable feelings when they occur but more as flashes of a blinking light. Then, more often than not, we immediately deny them with fancy rationale. Over time, the denial turns into a habit. The habit eventually takes over as part of our belief system. It infiltrates our true selves with some distorted and misleading version to fool not only ourselves but others as well. The mask becomes our persona. In many of the situations in which we find ourselves, we receive support from those around us who are doing the same thing. As if in collusion, individuals, communities, and entire societies join with others in denying the feelings that make them vulnerable and uncomfortable. At times, we are aware we are lying and that we are often being lied to. By labeling vulnerability and inadequacy as shameful human flaws, we find ourselves living in the shallow end of the pool and forced to interact with each other in meaningless ways. I often say to clients that many pretend they are swimming in the depths of the ocean when in reality they are splashing around in a kiddy pool. While finding this reality hard to admit, we must see this admission as part of our healing. Swimming in shallow water need not be a life sentence.

There are some people who come to realize the defenses they have developed. They realize how much energy they are spending on trying to accomplish their psychological goals: namely, to be free of all fear and free from feelings of inferiority. As you take a look at your own teenage and adult years, you will see areas in life where you developed similar defenses. We all did! The very process of conquering parts of our nature, or even being above it, becomes an all-important and all-consuming activity for the vast majority. When we assume success from vulnerability, at least periods of success, we fool ourselves into thinking that our human limitations are uneventful and meaningless and maybe even have disappeared. When we are not successful—when our defenses are not working—we demean ourselves with the conviction, something is wrong with us for having any form of vulnerable feelings. In our early years, we are most likely not aware of how often we berate ourselves for not reaching our own expectations or the expectations of others. In reaction to all these self-perceptions of shame, we develop the psychological necessity to limit the experience of these feelings as much as possible. Likewise, we most certainly never want to expose these limitations to any other human being. When we interact with each other, we strengthen the fiction we are living open and intimate lives. Not fully aware of what we are doing and why we have developed certain defensive traits, we are unknowingly inhibiting all forms of intimacy.

At one time or another, we have all fallen into the illusion that our human vulnerability can be overcome or, at the very least, ignored. However, this myth of denial we created over time never really works, even though we might have thought otherwise for short periods of time. For many, there were times when the illusion failed miserably, plummeting our egos into depths of depression or its opposite neighbor, outrage. During these times, we experience shame. We allow failure to define who we are. Discouragement becomes part of our nature, which depletes our willingness to venture into areas that are new and unknown. You will learn later that taking on this fabricated belief system with the hope of its success is the primary reason for our anger or depression when the defensive or denial system fails.

Even when our illusions fail, we more often than not return to them once again. We run as fast as we can through life's events with a redundant belief system. At times, we might sense it is a repetitive and fruitless track but fear the consequences of change. As long as we do not have to deal with failure or any form of disappointment, we lull ourselves into a passive contentment even when it lacks joy or a sense of self-fulfillment. We mesmerize ourselves with the expectation we can avoid all the feelings that make us feel less than the humans we want to be. Once in a while, sometimes for even longer periods of time, we can fool ourselves into thinking we are conquering vulnerability and even fooling others that we are above such experiences.

How often we have put people on a pedestal, thinking they have achieved the dream come true! How often then do we see these idols crack and turn to clay. Once we witness the fall, we rejoice in their misery as just being one of us! Not admitting it was us who raised them as idols, we quickly replace our fallen heroes with other heroes as fickle as the ones we left behind. In worshipping the celebrities of our generation, we distort the true nature of what a real hero is and the life he or she lives in evolving as a true hero. Instead, we pronounce someone as a hero with the belief that she or he has conquered vulnerability. We assume the person is above anxiety and that failure is something the hero never has to deal with. Everything the person touches seems to turn to gold. We believe they have reached a state where life is all peaches and cream. Seeking to shun the parts of life that entail pain and suffering, we create heroes that are shielded from our daily routines and tribulations. Success is interpreted in terms of money, fame, and power. In the process, we often lose sight of the real heroes and miss the opportunity to be led by them to a more creative path.

The above belief system keeps us on a fictional path and puts us in a draining cycle of frustration. To break this cycle, we must begin to recognize that the true hero is keenly aware of his or her vulnerability and is more than willing to go through pain and suffering necessary to reach higher levels of illumination. The true hero does not rise to stardom with a hit movie, a high batting average, a collection of medals, or the amassing of wealth. He became a hero by focusing not on himself, his own fears and terrors, but the welfare and the well-being of others. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, and Jesus are prime examples. The more common example might be the less known parents who do everything for their beloved children no matter what the personal cost. If we take the time to study the life of a true hero, we will see that his life was filled with trials and sufferings. Our myopic vision of the true hero seems to not comprehend what Joseph Campbell, a professor of myth, reminds us of the nature of a true hero. He explains the following:

If you realize what the real problem is—losing yourself, giving yourself to some higher end, or to another—you realize that this itself is the ultimate trial. When we quit thinking primarily about ourselves and our own self-preservation, we undergo a truly heroic transformation of consciousness.²

In adding to Campbell's line of thought regarding the true hero, I would like to share with you a beautiful article I recently read in one of my favorite magazines, The Sun. The article discusses the works of the poet Daniel Ladinsky, who captures the nature of our lives and the realities we must all go through if we are to walk the path of courage and growth. In one poem, he points to the nature of personal loneliness and the need for us all to recognize its purpose. He writes the following:

Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly,

Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can. Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft.

My voice so tender, my need of God absolutely clear.³

Throughout this book, I encourage all of you not to run from feelings that might be disturbing or even frightening. The feelings we experience on a daily basis have the power to transform us into deeper levels of thought. In denying these feelings, we are rejecting the core of our humanity. Thinking we can experience total fulfillment or attain a blissful state is fictional. Such thinking also leads to further frustration. It can cause the demeaning of self when such states are not achieved. There are lessons to be learned from these feelings. They contain messages that will point us in the right direction. In the chapters that follow, you will see how listening to all our feelings, whether they are pleasant or not, will allow you to undergo the fullness of your humanity. You will enhance your capability to understand the creative wonders within you and the resources available to you as you interact with others.

There will always be periods in our lives when we will slip into stages of denial. During these times, we are not even close to realizing the problems we are causing ourselves. We become our own worst enemy. When we despise our own limitations, we make that part of ourselves the enemy that needs to be denied or fought against. In a real sense, we create a humiliating and shameful world that thrives within us. Rather than creating a system of self-love, the acceptance of both our strengths and limitations, we allow the denial of our true selves to turn into self-hate. Karen Homey, one of the founders of The American Institute for Psychoanalysis, describes this process in the following explanation:

The glorified self becomes not only a phantom to be pursued. It also becomes a measuring rod with which to measure his actual being. And this actual being is such an embarrassing sight when viewed from the perspective of a godlike perfection that he cannot but despise it.⁴

Our obsessive need to avoid all forms of vulnerability also directly affects the way we make decisions. Facing life's challenges must be done with courage and creativity. There are no guarantees. When the fear of failure or any other form of vulnerability affects the way we approach challenges, the creative side of our nature is overshadowed by a defensive mindset. Fear of being vulnerable eclipses our creative side and minimizes our ability to think rationally. Because many people seek security over creativity, it is no wonder that so many marriages fail, careers are carried out in boredom, true friendships are hard to come by, and individuals go through life often irritated, discontented, and unfulfilled.

In order to avoid these acts of self-depreciation and to accept a true sense of our entire humanity, we all need to stop lying to ourselves. If we are ever to be in a position to make creative decisions, we need to come to terms with what being a complete human being is all about. This acknowledgment must always include all the pluses and minuses, abilities and limitations, inherent in our human condition. To stop the damaging psychological game we are playing, we must begin to see it as a misguided diversion that keeps the true self at bay. It is a game of trying to get beyond all feelings of inferiority. It is a game of trying to beat vulnerability no matter what the price. It is a big human lie. We are strong, invincible, mature, and sane and have it all under control.

When we were young children and young adults, we fell into the most critical misjudgment of being human. We came to believe love is conditional. We liked ourselves when we did well and hated the person who failed. We thought it was a requirement to loathe our limitations and shortcomings and punish ourselves for any form of failure. As our development continued, the dictum to love oneself entirely became meaningless, for it seemed unattainable. Throughout this book, you will be challenged to come to terms with this critical mistake as to what being human is all about. You will be asked to reevaluate ingrained misperceptions. You will be encouraged to face challenges with more courage.

There