This Is True Love: Next-Level Love for the Next Chapter of Your Life

By Adam Wolfe

What is true love? How can so many people experience it while others seem to be missing out? In This is True Love, author Dr. Adam Wolfe helps singles and courting couples prepare for a lifelong, loving relationship. He also helps married couples repair, strengthen, and enhance their relationship in ways they’ve never experienced or thought possible. And he offers discussion questions for those who have been divorced so they can reflect on what they’ve learned from past relationships and move forward with full confidence.

Wolfe provides deep insights on the hottest topics that can either keep the flames of love alive or put the fire out. This is True Love shares some hidden truths and helps you ponder the following questions:

What do you expect to put into and get out of the marriage?
What are your most important needs and desires?
How will you handle and interact with family and friends?
How will you make and manage money?
How well do the two of you communicate?
How much passion and intimacy is there in the relationship?

Rooted in scripture and with discussion questions included, Wolfe helps you understand more about yourself and/or your partner and why some marriages succeed and others fail. It encourages you to make the right choices with your current or future partner.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jul 19, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664238718

Book preview

Copyright © 2021 Adam Wolfe.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means,

graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by

any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author

except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher

make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book

and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

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views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture quotations marked ESV taken from The Holy Bible, English

Standard Version® (ESV®), Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing

ministry of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993,

1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-3872-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-3873-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-3871-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021913123

WestBow Press rev. date: 06/30/2021

To Caleb, Ali, and Luke and your partners. May

each of you know what it is to demonstrate and

experience true love for the rest of your lives.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1What Does True Love Look Like?

Chapter 2What’s the Purpose of Marriage Anyway?

Chapter 3Who Are You, and Where Did You Come From?

Chapter 4What Do You Expect?

Chapter 5What Are Your Needs and Desires?

Chapter 6What Does Good Money Management Look Like?

Chapter 7What Does Healthy Communication Look Like?

Chapter 8What Does a Healthy Sex Life Look Like?

Chapter 9Will You Make or Reaffirm the Commitment?

Appendix A250+ Activity Ideas for You, Your Partner, and Your Whole Family

Appendix BSixty Special Date Ideas

Appendix CFifty-Plus Marriage Proposal Ideas

Endnotes

Introduction

You’ve got a partner. The two of you are a couple. Whether you’re married or not, This Is True Love is for you.

You’re single. Maybe you’ve dated on and off a few times. This Is True Love is for you too.

If you’re currently married or not, if you’re dating or engaged to someone or not, or if you’ve been previously married, This Is True Love is for you. Wherever you are in a current relationship or wherever you’ve been in past relationships, This Is True Love can help you give, receive, and experience true love like never before.

This Is True Love will help you understand more about yourself and/or your partner. It will help you understand why some marriages succeed and others fail. It will encourage you to make the right choices with your current or future partner.

You’ll get the most out of This Is True Love with an open and willing heart. If you’re doing the exercises herein with a partner, it’s best to allow yourselves to be completely honest and vulnerable with each other. There will be challenging questions that perhaps you never wanted to ask or thought to ask. Don’t skip the hard questions or sugarcoat the tough issues. Address them head-on and hammer them out. Then you’ll be on the road to real progress.

You’ll get even more out of This Is True Love if you involve a mentor or counselor. Such individuals can help you work through any issues or trouble spots you encounter along the way. They can help you make the right decision concerning a lifelong commitment with your current or future partner. They can encourage you to make a recommitment to loving your spouse as you may have been coming up a little short.

There are questions for singles and couples (married or unmarried) at the end of each chapter. There are also special questions for those who were previously married. Skipping or speeding through the questions won’t help you much at all. Take your time to reflect on them, answering them openly and honestly.

Are you and will you be experiencing true love now and in the future? This Is True Love looks at the mental, physical, spiritual, financial, and overall outlook of you and your partner. It asks you to look at past and present experiences that make you the person or couple you are today. It talks about how to best communicate with your partner and love him or her in the most meaningful of ways.

If you’re completing the exercises in This Is True Love with a partner, you’ll each need your own copy of the book so you can answer the questions separately and then go over your answers together. As you move along, you may laugh and you may cry, but most of all I hope you’ll learn—learn how to love your current and/or future partner in the most meaningful way, like never before.

Oh, by the way, This Is True Love wasn’t written just for you. It was written just as much for you as it was for me. I was divorced many years ago, and none of the books I’ve read on love and marriage ask the hard questions about divorce from a faith-based perspective like this one does. So I plan on sharing my past failures and mistakes, along with what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown with my future partner. This is to ensure that those of us who have been divorced never make the same mistakes again.

Cheers to becoming better!

1

What Does True Love Look Like?

You can’t say you were truly in love if it didn’t last. If I end up getting married and having kids … I’ll know it’s real.

—Taylor Swift ¹

I remember in my younger years hearing love songs such as Journey singing about I come to you with open arms, Phil Collins singing about a groovy kind of love, Michael Bolton singing about when a man loves a woman, Sinéad O’Connor singing about how nothing compares to you, and Whitney Houston singing, I’ll always love you. More recently, I’ve heard Lil Wayne singing about how to love; Ed Sheeran singing about being in love with someone’s body; Rihanna singing about finding love in a hopeless place; Gotye singing about how you’re just somebody that I used to know; Adele singing about how she can’t love you in the dark; Beyoncé singing about being drunk in love; Selena Gomez singing about a partner’s not letting her down because she needs him right now; Justin Bieber singing about not giving up and letting oneself be loved; John Legend singing about a one-way ticket love; Drake singing about people showing fake love; Coldplay singing about not looking for some fairy-tale bliss, just someone to kiss; Halsey singing that she’s bad at love but can’t be blamed for trying; Lizzo singing that she put the sing in single ; and Post Malone singing that seasons change and love goes cold and feeds the flame because we can’t let go. By the time This Is True Love is published, dozens and probably hundreds more songs about love will have come to the ears of people who are desperately searching for what the human soul needs most: love.

People are singing about love, or the lack thereof, including me. We have been doing so for many years, and we’ll probably continue to do so for many more. Thousands upon thousands of love songs have been written and sung. Many were ignited by pure raw emotion. Love is a powerful thing.

It has been said that love is what makes the world go round. Perhaps one of the reasons is that each and every one of us has a deep longing and desire to love and be loved. It is essential to our makeup.

We are social beings. We were born out of relations and are meant to enter into relations, most importantly with God, then with other people. We were made for companionship—loving, giving, sharing, and relating—with God and with others. Unfortunately, many people look for love and companionship in the wrong places and for the wrong reasons. Hopefully you’re not one of them. But if you are, This Is True Love can help you change that.

Love Is …

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.

—Sophocles

Love to live. Live to love.

—Amy Carmichael

There are a billion and one ways to define and express love. Love is genuine care and concern for others. Love is honesty, loyalty, honor, trust, and respect. Love is not just a noun but is a verb. It’s compassion in action. Love is commitment to the well-being and best interests of others. Love is erotic, passionate, romantic, intimate, and up close and personal, marked by a desire to be with each other. Love is sacrifice, helping, serving, supporting, and holding hands in both happy times and difficult times. It’s affirmation, affection, and acceptance. Love is close companionship. It’s spending quality time. Love is unconditional. Love is when your reality is more beautiful than your dreams. It’s more than just a feeling; it’s a choice.

Most people would agree with most of the foregoing statements about love. There are unlimited ways to define and demonstrate love. What does love mean to you? How would you define love?

Whatever definition we come up with, it’s good to make sure our perspective is a godly perspective. So let’s take a moment to see what God’s perspective on love is from the Love Chapter in the Bible:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (1 Corinthians 13:4–8 ESV)

Just from this passage alone, we see that true love implies many things. If more people lived and loved as described in 1 Corinthians 13, then we would see fewer broken hearts, fewer broken relationships, and fewer broken marriages. We’d also see more mended hearts, restored relationships, and thriving marriages. But we’re human. We make mistakes. We love imperfectly. Love isn’t always natural or easy. That’s why we need God. We need to learn to love and extend grace to others, just as He has done for us.

Love hurts. Most of us have been hurt or abandoned by someone we love. Probably we ourselves have hurt or abandoned someone else. For some reason we tend to hurt the ones we love the most. So when we make the commitment to love someone, we take the risk of getting hurt. But it’s a risk worth taking. The best things in life usually involve risk at some point.

As we move along through This Is True Love, we’ll continue to identify what true love looks like in different areas of one’s life. You’ll learn more about love and marriage as God intended. You’ll be encouraged to practice, express, and experience love in practical and meaningful ways.

Falling in Love

Seriously, what’s the difference between being in love and being kidnapped?

—Whitney Cummings ²

I’ve never been a Romeo who meets a girl and falls for her immediately. It’s been a much slower process for me each time I’ve gone into a relationship.

—Leonardo DiCaprio ³

You’re always on each other’s mind. You go to sleep thinking about each other and wake up thinking about each other. You go to work or school, or wherever you go, and you can’t stop thinking about each other. You can’t get enough of each other. When you are together, your hearts melt and time stops. When you’re apart, it seems hard to stay focused on the task at hand. You text each other throughout the day. You have to pinch yourself to believe this is real. It has become an emotional obsession. You view each other as eye candy. You’re captivated by each other’s attention. Some may call it infatuation. Others call it romantic love. But the truth is this that the two of you have fallen in love.

Does this describe you today? or perhaps your yesterday? or your dream for the future? Most of us as adults have been through the experience of being in love once or twice. It seems to be a prerequisite for marriage.

Being in love is a beautiful thing. The two of you have got great chemistry. Your personalities mesh well. Your heart skips a beat when you kiss. You get tingly feelings when you touch or hold hands. Sparks are flying, and there is this warm glow inside that doesn’t seem to go away.

Falling in love is a normal thing before marriage. You should be attracted to your partner, especially the one you intend to spend the rest of your life with. But being in love can be a scary thing too. It can cause you to think irrationally. If you’re not careful, it can cause you to ignore or overlook trouble issues or major character flaws in the other person. Working through This Is True Love will help you see through the fog. If you’re already married and perhaps missing that in love feeling—that romantic love—this book will help bring that back too.

The Making of Your Own Romantic Love Story

You know when you see people who are so happy that it just makes you miserable?

—Jennifer Lawrence ⁴

I don’t need the Prince Charming to have my own happy ending.

—Katy Perry ⁵

I’m a hopeless romantic, and I’ve seen some really good romantic movies, or what some guys refer to as chick flicks in my time. Notable ones for me include Sleepless in Seattle, Say Anything, The Princess Bride, True Romance, Untamed Heart, Speed, Mr. Deeds, Blend, The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, The Best of Me, The Song, Dear John, Jerry Maguire, The Wedding Crashers, The Bodyguard, The Illusionist, Message in a Bottle, City of Angels, Fireproof, Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Titanic, Long Shot, Twilight, La La Land, Sweet Home Alabama, and I Still Believe. The list could go on and on, especially with more recent movies. Okay, a few of them may not be classified as romantic, but the guy gets the girl in the end.

Have you enjoyed watching any of these movies? What are your favorite romantic movies? What is it about them that you like so much? Do you see yourself or your partner in them? Can you relate based on past experiences? based on feelings you used to have or would like to have? What elements of the movie(s) really tug at your heart and hit home with you?

The desire for romance is not a bad thing. It’s actually a good thing that God created. He’s the initiator of true romance. His heart beats with love for every one of us, and we learn what divine romance is in a personal relationship with Him.

One of the keys to intimate romance is to woo each other with your love. God woos us with everything He gives—His Son, His grace, His Word, His salvation, His guidance and protection, His blessings, His comforting presence, His peace and hope, and on and on. God is love, and He offers His love to us each and every day.

Perhaps you’re wondering where the love and romance is in your life. What happened to it? You used to have it, but where did it go? Perhaps it’s there but it’s just not as intense as it used to be. Maybe you and your partner are very much in love and are romanticizing with each other. Or maybe you’re still waiting for that special someone.

Wherever you may find yourself, there is always this: hope—hope for increased love and romance in your life, both with God and a partner. The key is allowing God to help you write the script to the love story of your life.

God has got an amazing romantic love story waiting to be carried out in each of our lives. As you allow God to coauthor your story along with you, it will turn out to be better than any movie written by Hollywood scriptwriters. You can bank on that. The key is having a realistic view of true love and romance. So, let’s talk about that next.

True Love that Lasts

Try wandering up and down the junk food section of your grocery store and you’ll find your soulmate.

—Anna Kendrick, ⁶ on how to meet a significant other

That old couple crooked and bent over but still holding hands. I know that kind of love exists, and I’m not going to stop until I have that.

—Taraji P. Henson ⁷

Romance is important in a relationship. But what happens to romance? It can have highs and lows, ups and downs, ins and outs. It’s like a roller coaster. It can be an intense rush of adrenaline and pleasure, then suddenly come to a stop.

Feelings of being in love and the emotional high of romanticism tend to hit their peaks in courtship and early marriage. Often, six months to two years into an intimate, highly charged romantic relationship, emotional feelings tend to lose intensity and mellow down. So, what does one do about this? What do people do when the romantic feelings fade? Some say, I’m going to choose to love you no matter how I feel. Others say, I’ve fallen out of love and I’m no longer in love with you, and choose to look elsewhere for romance.

This is how to tell the difference between true love and romantic love: by knowing that one sticks and the other splatters into pieces when the feelings fade. When romantic feelings become the most important component of a relationship, people jump ship when the feelings aren’t there anymore. When a disagreement arises, they jump out instead of working it out. If we all were to base our relationships on romantic feelings, then we’d all be jumping ship every couple of years. Some people are doing just that.

True love goes so much farther than romantic feelings. True love is this: connecting with someone and commitment to loving and cherishing him or her on the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual level. It’s intentional and unconditional love toward someone in every level and area of his or her life.

True love is a predetermined commitment to love someone even when romantic feelings fade or when the other person doesn’t feel like he or she is in love, he or she doesn’t love you back, he or she hurts you, disagreements come and disasters strike, your partner changes, he or she gets sick, or things aren’t going the way you want them to. Needless to say, true love can be tough. But with this kind of love and commitment, you’ll experience true love that lasts.

Some people make the commitment to love someone for life without truly grasping what that means. Or perhaps they have a pretty good idea of what it means to love a partner when they get married, and they start off pretty good, but over years they become settled in their ways and don’t really put in the effort to love their partner like he or she deserves to be loved. None of us wants to be like these people. We want to be like those who experience true love, cherishing and loving a partner on the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual level for the rest of their lives, right? So, I’ll expound on what that means as we move along.

Romance is important in a relationship. But what’s even more important is connecting with and cherishing your partner at every level. When you engage in meaningful conversation at the same level intellectually, when you creatively and sensitively meet each other’s