As We Forgive Those: A True Story of Abuse and the Path That Led to Forgiveness, Freedom and Healing.

By Grace Elliot

We spend such a great part of our lives buckling under the weight of anger and resentment. When we realise that we need to rid ourselves of those chains, we kneel in our sanctum and declare our forgiveness towards those who have wronged us.

But what happens if we discover that we’re still emotionally broken by certain events? And what happens when our bodies start to fail because we’re unable to let go of the past?

In As We Forgive Those, Grace recounts how more than three decades of sometimes harrowing abuse resulted in her rapidly deteriorating health and how she stumbled on a path that led to emotional and physical healing.

Grace knows that saying the words “I forgive my debtors” doesn’t necessarily make it so. To help you along, she shares some practical and useful guidelines on how to achieve true and lasting forgiveness.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Jan 6, 2020
• ISBN: 9781984590305

Grace Elliot

Grace Elliot leads a double life as a veterinary surgeon by day and author of historical romance by night.She firmly believes that smart people read romance as an antidote for the pressures of real life. 'A Dead Man's Debt' - "historical romance at its best" The Romance Reviews. 'Eulogy's Secret' - “Wonderful, yummy, sweet, sexy... oh the list could go on and on. L.O.V.E.D. IT! It had my heart thumping and hands sweating” TJ – Affaire de Couer magazine.

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Copyright © 2019 by Grace Elliot.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2019916734

ISBN:              Hardcover              978-1-9845-9032-9

                        Softcover                978-1-9845-9031-2

                        eBook                     978-1-9845-9030-5

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible, Copyright © 1983 by The Zondervan Corporation.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 01/03/2020

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DEDICATION

To my mother – thank you for sharing this life with me and

giving me so many experiences to learn from. For more than

22 years now, you have remained victorius over the darkness.

I am so incredibly proud and love you without measure.

To my husband, the love of my life – thank you for making

me stronger than you found me, for bringing out the best

in me, and for supporting me in following my dreams.

To my children – you have brought the most expansive and

profound kind of love to my life. I would not be who I am without

you. You love me despite my failures and I am grateful to my core.

To Carey, my friend for life – thank you for always

believing in and encouraging me. Thanks for sharing

your wisdom with me and for teaching me so much about

life. We share a bond that few are blessed to have.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1   For they have Sinned

Chapter 2   They Know not what they Do

Chapter 3   There are None so Blind

Chapter 4   Woe Unto You

Chapter 5   Prodigal Daughter

Chapter 6   The Kingdom of God is Like a Seed

Chapter 7   Forgive us our Trespasses

INTRODUCTION

We spend such a great portion of our lives buckling under the weight of emotional baggage. Harbouring resentment towards others for the wrongs they have inflicted on us makes no difference whatsoever in the way they lead their lives. It doesn’t serve as a punishment to them.

What it does, in fact, is darken our own days and nights. It fills our minds with painful memories of the hardships we had to suffer. It fills our eyes with tears that burn through our souls but does not wash away the anguish that clings so desperately to our hearts. It makes us heavy with despair while it seems that the rest of the world is happily floating by.

We cling to our hatred or anger because we think it will make us stronger, but in fact it is eating away at the essence of our being. We saddle the anger and ride it like a wild horse through a stormy night because we think we’ll achieve greater success, but in reality we are falling further away from our highest potential and destiny.

We welcome these heavy thoughts into our homes and insist that they take us hostage. We cry for the suffering that these emotions are causing while we hold on to the dark forces that created those emotions.

We choose to carry this burden. This suffering is our choice, our own doing. We refuse to relinquish the anger that weighs us down to the point where our bodies give in and our minds collapse.

Perhaps we have some irrational expectation that the universe will see our suffering and take pity on us, that it will loosen the senseless grip of the darkness that so tightly enfolds us, that it will break us out of the cage we have created and locked ourselves up in. We don’t realise that what we want is to be saved from ourselves. It takes a very brave person to face themselves with ruthless honesty and understand this.

Sometimes, however, we don’t intend to hold on to that darkness. We understand how it is harming us and we desperately want to be free, but the memories of our past haunt us and bathe us in dark and bitter emotions. We don’t want to hold a grudge, but it seems that the grudge is holding steadfastly onto us.

What if we could just let it go? What if we could walk away from the deathly pain and dry up the tears that drown us? It would be so intensely liberating if the memories of our past could just be things that happened rather than painful reminders of what we lost or how we suffered.

If only we could forgive. Not just say it, but feel it. Not just believe it, but live it. It is easy to say the words I forgive you. We can even try to convince ourselves that we mean it. But if the pain or anger persists and emotions are still raw, then the forgiveness was not absolute or unconditional.

Just like love, forgiveness must be unconditional. It cannot come with strings attached. We cannot forgive somebody only if they do something in return to counter the injustice of their sin. This would never work because nothing they could do would ever be enough. We will always feel like they still owe us. We would never be satisfied that we have been fairly compensated for our suffering no matter what they do. Eventually they will give up, and while we continue stewing in our dissatisfaction and anger, that relationship will remain damaged, or it will be fully destroyed.

Forgiveness does not imply that we will tolerate their negative behaviour in future. We can forgive somebody and still assert our right not to be treated a certain way. In fact, it is very important that we learn to protect ourselves, especially from repeat offenders. We need to set our boundaries and stand our ground. If not, we will remain in an unhealthy relationship with them (whether platonic, romantic, or professional) and continually allow ourselves to be emotionally shackled to them.

It is very important to understand that the conditions of our forgiveness affects only us. It does not affect the people we are forgiving. Our forgiveness vindicates them (if they seek vindication), but more importantly, unconditional forgiveness liberates us. Ultimately, forgiveness is is for the benefit of forgiver, not the forgiven.

Any conditions we impose are like ties that bind our hearts to the emotions of the past. This is different from having our minds tied to the past. When we think of events in the past, the emotions (heart) attached to that memory is what determines the extent to which we have forgiven. When we think of an event and feel the same emotions that we felt when it first happened, then our heart is still tied very strongly to that event. Our present is emotionally tethered to our past; we are emotionally entangled, and we cannot be truly free.

To put it quite plainly: if the memory is simply a memory – something that happened long ago – and no longer a painful reminder that invokes negative emotion, then we have forgiven.

The fewer the conditions, the less there is that binds us to the pain. If we have no conditions, there is nothing that emotionally binds us to that event.

Some would say that true forgiveness means never thinking about it again. The danger is that some people suppress their memories to create a semblance of forgiveness. They are still emotionally bound, and sometimes their physical bodies exhibit and replicate their emotional state of being. They have never dealt with the emotions or faced their pain.

The truth of the matter, according to my experience, is that unconditional forgiveness results in the gradual fading of those memories. Writing this book has been tremendously difficult. Not in an emotional sense, because I have dealt with all the emotions, but in digging through the archives of my mind for memories that have faded by now. I have had to search for things that I have long forgotten about.

So the question remains: how do we forgive completely?

Well, now, that is not always quite as simple as just saying the words. When our souls have been wounded, it is a process that we must be willing to follow. If you are, like I was, desperate to understand how to forgive so that it will be lasting and true, then I encourage you to continue reading because there is a way, and I will share it with you.

I have always hoped that what I experienced in my life would be of value to other people. I’ve been through some tough times, as have many others, but I want my life to have meaning beyond my own existence. If the lessons I have learned can be even mildly useful to others, if I can help other people grow in the process, if it can help others find healing, then my life – and the pain I’ve been through – will have been worthwhile.

Life is more than just birth, experience, and death – so much more. Discovering this has been a scenic and often bumpy road, and it continues to be part of my journey through the realm of this existence.

All the bumps in the road inevitably result in bruises and sometimes very deep wounds. As with our physical bodies, our emotional bodies heal from bruises in time. It’s the deep wounds that, if not tended to with careful discernment and a strong dose of forgiveness, can lead to our destruction and downfall. These are the ones that, even if we are strong enough to survive them, leave scars.

We should not feel discouraged, however, because the scars lend character to our being. They form the roadmap of the hardships and victories in our lives. If we are willing to share our roadmap with others, we can help them navigate navigate some of the perils of their own lives.

The purpose of this book is ultimately to share with you my journey to forgiveness. It was not easy. It took me many years of following the advice of other people as well as the prescripts of the church, many years of trying and failing, before I discovered the formula that worked for me.

I recognise that the solution I discovered on my path may not be perfect for you, but it is my sincere hope that you will find it useful in discovering your own set of ingredients, based on your own truths, to help you formulate a process that works for you.

To share with you my road to forgiveness, I first need to take you on a journey through my life and give you a glimpse into