Just Give Me Your Last Name

By Temi Olaniyan

Just Give Me Your Last Name is a book that was born out of the life of a frustrated single waiting endlessly for love. This book takes you through my journey of finding true love in singleness and becoming whole in that process. The aim of this book is to give you a different perspective to single life and to help you embrace your single journey as you hope to embrace the marriage journey. The book is about finding the silver lining in the seemingly cloud of single life and letting that lining trump the cloud until the gloss of your single life is evident to the world. My hope is that as you read this book, you will prioritize finding and giving love as a single person instead of waiting for love to find you. This book will move you to the front seat of your single life, have you switch to cruise mode, and soar the length and breadth of singleness in confidence. This book will make you laugh, get you thinking, and ultimately, move you to action that will birth the change you always hoped for.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jun 10, 2019
• ISBN: 9781973662815

Temi Olaniyan

Temi is a Cyber Risk consultant who works with one of the Big Four and lives in Chicago. She is a single with a passion to see other singles live their best lives on their journey to finding true love. Temi holds an undergraduate degree in Computer Engineering from Covenant University, Nigeria and a master’s degree in Information Technology and Management from Illinois Institute of Technology, Chicago, United States. Temi loves to cook and recently won the People’s award for a chili competition organized in the windy city of Chicago. She currently runs a YouTube channel called ‘The Whole Bits with Temi’ where she speaks on relationships, career and faith. She also hosts a blog where she shares her life’s experiences and lessons learned. Temi is an avid reader and loves to spend her free time with family and friends.

Book preview

Prologue

So, it was Thanksgiving weekend, and I wondered where I could possibly go to unleash my thankful heart and have a swell time. I got a call from my cousin, who asked if I was interested in riding to the family house in the suburbs of Chicago.

Great idea, I thought.

The first motivation for this trip was, of course, seeing family, seconded by food. We hopped into our royal ride and drove west to the suburbs of the Windy City in about thirty-seven minutes, which seemed like an hour equivalent. I just couldn’t wait. We finally got to the family house, and everyone was just as excited as the word can be. I stepped into the house to savor the moment and breathe in the excitement and exhale worries and other things you can imagine. As I tried to make the best out of my multitasking escapade, Aunty Ann cut in unexpectedly with a wide smile. Her husband, Uncle Ben, soon joined her.

Then like something that seemed like the result of a planned project, they both blurted out, You must be married.

I immediately replied, to counter this incorrect assumption, Ermm, no. Not yet.

They both gave me a look that screamed, Something must be wrong with you. Just as I tried to decipher this look, I heard, Oh no, you must be joking.

I must not, I said, this time under my breath, just to keep the cultural respect string tight.

The next words that hit me from Aunty Ann’s end were, Are the men blind? Can’t they see what they’re missing?

I was trying to process that when Uncle Ben cut in with his deep voice, Or could it be that your standards are just too high?

At this point, it looked like this conversation was perfectly rehearsed when Aunty Ann added: Something must be wrong somewhere.

Somewhere indeed, I thought to myself.

Finally, they both concluded, You need to check yourself.

That was how Uncle Ben and Aunty Ann shattered my Thanksgiving joy into pieces of guilt, shame, and gloom.

Just before I left, Aunty Ann whispered, "Something must be wrong, maybe with you; I might not be able to say. Well, my advice to you is to get a man to just give you his last name. It is the most important thing; you don’t want to remain a miss forever."

1

Nothing Is Wrong with You

Let’s start by pressing in on the fact that nothing is wrong with you just because you are single. I ask that you let this sink in as deeply as possible. Being single is not a curse, nor is it a menace that needs to be magically wiped out by finding a man to marry. Being single is certainly not a disease that needs to be cured. Being single is indeed a blessing.

Singleness, therefore, is a season of life that everyone goes through at some point. No one was born married, so no one should be scorned for being single. Generally, it is a trend to cast blame when things do not go as usual. We live in a world where certain standards have been set for different aspects of life, including marriage. These standards can sometimes be beyond your control to keep up with. Who even said we’re better off because we can keep up with these standards? Listen: If you had control over everything that happens around you, then you are stuck with only limited choices because you will always choose things your way. Some situations are not within our control, but eventually, they do us good. What if you knew that not having control over some areas of your life was a blessing in disguise?

All right, let’s get to the main point.

Do you sometimes feel guilty about your singleness? Do you sometimes feel like there’s something you should have changed, done better, or not done at all to be married? Hold on a second. What if you have done all you know to do, and you are still single?

I remember how I used to beat myself up for being single. I would say to myself, Something must be wrong with me. I carried a sense of guilt everywhere. Slowly, this sense of guilt drained my self-esteem. I was so convinced that everyone who was married was certainly doing something I had missed. I would cry myself to sleep some nights. I would get so frustrated on some days that it was hard to concentrate on work. My single life was miserable. Even though I desperately wanted to get out of it, I did not know how. When I got tired of this misery, I had to be deliberate about finding the root cause of my situation. You can bet I found it: perspective. Perspective was my miracle, not finding a man.

Your single life is not in any way inferior to married life. Your life does not get better because you are married; it gets better when you are married to the right person and for the right purpose, with both of you working the marriage out to better each other.

Look at it this way: We go to school to get a good job. We’re qualified for better jobs once we graduate. Therefore, the school experience is not inferior in any way to the job experience. You qualify for marriage because you are single. If you were married, then there would be no need to be married. People who get remarried leave their previous marriages and become single again before they qualify for marriage again. You do not marry as a married person; you marry as a single person. You cannot be married and be qualified for marriage. Your single life is what makes you fit for marriage. So, adore your single life. Every second of your single life is worth it.

Your single life should not be treated as a dreaded season you cannot wait to get away from. You should never be ashamed of it. Proudly identify with your single life and make the best out of it. As long as you desire to be married, your single life remains a temporary state. You may never have the opportunity to go back to this season of your life. Live your single life to the fullest.

Also, it’s important that you enter married life healthy, not thinking something is wrong with you. Single people have been made to feel despicable, just because they are single. Our society is sometimes hard on singles. People make jokes about the single life. When single people have a lot going for them, society must bring in the unmarried factor to hurt their success.

I would therefore like to state that there is everything right about being single, until we start to look down on ourselves and rush to get out of our single season. It is important for us to know that single people are a blessing to every generation.

I would like to discuss a few advantages of being single, just in case you’ve been blinded to it by your perspective.

Having Free Time

Single people are at liberty to do a few more things than any married person can. I’m not talking about living your life wastefully. I’m talking about living a life of value, without any limitations. As a single person, I can go on spontaneous trips. I don’t need to ask permission from anyone, apart from myself. I can change careers without thinking about how it affects anyone else. Married people surely do not have this luxury. I can wake up in the morning and spend the entire day investing in myself, without worrying about someone else. On days when I take time off from work or on weekends, I can go many hours just lazing around (after taking a shower of course, lol!). I can watch a movie, decide not to cook, and stay on my couch for the whole day. I know this may sound selfish, but guess what? It’s not going to last forever, and I am aware of this. Therefore, I can make the best of this selfish life right now.

Once you get married, you have a cosigner on your life’s resources, including your time. You no longer solely own yourself; you need to be considerate about your spouse. My friends sometimes call me on short notice to suggest an exciting trip, and honestly, I don’t think about who is going to be affected; I pack my bags and leave (if it’s in line with my budget). I’m not saying that because we are single, we don’t have responsibilities. I’m just saying that as singles, we have very little to worry about, so we must embrace this season of our lives while we have the chance.

Developing a New Hobby

One of the most important benefits of being single is that you find out who you really are. In the process, you can find out what you really like to do. This is the time to pick a new hobby and go all the way with it. There is no better place to discover your hobby than when you are single. Having a hobby can help you enjoy life. Hobbies offer so many opportunities. As playful as your hobby may seem, it can move you into your place of destiny. For me, I found out as a single person that I really like to talk, even though I’m typically an introvert. What a paradox, right? Yes, I found out that I could talk about anything I was passionate about for the entire day without getting tired. How would I have known?

I am super grateful for my single season. I currently run a video blog where I talk about a range of topics, from single life to careers to relationships. I never get tired of doing this. I am glad I didn’t have to wait to get married before developing this hobby.

Find out what you like doing and take it to the extreme. As a side note, your hobby might just be that light that draws your God-ordained spouse to you.

Meeting New People

As a single person, you are not joined to anyone, so you have the awesome opportunity to meet with as many people as possible. One of the luxuries that single people enjoy is the luxury of time. Once you understand the value of this luxury you would use it to your advantage. One of the ways to use this luxury to your advantage is to build your network. As a single, for the most part, you have time to go for as many networking events (professional and non-professional alike) as you would like which results in meeting people. You typically do not need permission from anyone but yourself. Again, this is not saying we should not be responsible as singles, but we have less factors to consider compared to married people while making any decision. I believe this is an amazing opportunity that should be taken advantage of. Interestingly, it is not just about meeting people for a relationship, as it were, but just networking in general for possible future opportunities. You can go on dinner dates without feeling guilty.

Honestly, as a single person, you are like a bird that has been released into the skies to just keep flying. Single life is dope.

Developing Yourself

This point can certainly not be overemphasized. There are tons of activities you can be engaged in as a single person to develop yourself. I like to say that you have an unlimited opportunity to grow as a single person. You can sign up to volunteer somewhere just to improve yourself. I always have a weekend activity planned to improve my life. This has certainly improved my leadership skills and other aspects of my life. You can read as many books as possible during your free time. You can attend trainings, conferences, and events you like. This advantage is handy for me. As a single person, I devote myself to listening to something new every day from my mentors. I attend as many seminars as possible.

On some Saturday mornings, all I do is take a shower and just study all day. I don’t have to worry about making someone else’s breakfast. It’s just me alone, and I sure make the best out of it. There are days where I switch off my phone just to have personal time, while working on myself. I don’t know how much of this I can continue after I get married, but I’m sure making the best of it before marriage finds me. You see, the marriage you want so badly will eventually find you. How would you like the marriage you really desire to find you? I would rather be preparing than waiting fruitlessly.

Loving Yourself

This point is so real. I cannot speak enough of how much love I have experienced just by taking the responsibility of giving love to myself. Your single life is your opportunity to show yourself love. Ladies, I recommend you commit to showing yourself love by treating yourself to things that make you feel loved. If what makes you feel loved is when you go on a shopping spree, save up and treat yourself to shopping. I now schedule certain days in the month to take myself on a date to do things I love. You have the opportunity to show yourself love as a single person in a way you were hoping someone else would. Guess what? People who come into your life will always follow the love pattern they find there. No one can love you more than you love yourself. Go all out and let yourself know they deserve love from you before anyone else thought about it.

Single people must appreciate themselves more than anything. Singleness is a privilege that should not be taken for granted. Marriage therefore is not a panacea for singleness, as it were. Being single is a gift God gives to everyone to enjoy. Every gift that comes from God is meant to be enjoyed. Our single season is to be enjoyed and not endured. Learn how to enjoy this season of your life. Some folks are married now, and all they think of is how they should have made the best of their single life. Everything you need to function as a married person is in your single life. If you make the most of single life, your marriage will be more effective. Your married life is solely dependent on your single life. Therefore, live your single life with purpose.

I like to refer to our single season as a shopping season where you shop for everything you will need in marriage. You don’t want to go into marriage with regrets about certain things you should have done while single. Have an idea of the type of marriage you want, and shop for the ingredients that will make that kind of marriage possible. Marriage is like cooking. You cook in marriage with all the ingredients that you have gathered in your single life. Every dish is as sweet as the ingredients that are in it. In the same vein, your marriage is as good as the components of your single life. If you are going to live married life effectively, then you have a responsibility to make the most of your single life. Enter married life with the happiness and joy you got from single life. Fill up your married life with the contentment of single life.

Stop looking down on yourself because you are single; others will do the same when they meet you. The single life is where you set the tone for every relationship you’ll ever have. Therefore, accentuate your single life by making the best of it. Let people around you long for singleness. Represent singleness the right way while you are still single, knowing that you will not be single forever (unless you plan to stay single forever).

Singleness is what you make of it. Don’t let people walk past you and feel like it must be a miserable thing to be single. Celebrate everything about being single, as it’s absolutely worth celebrating. This is not to lord over others how great single life is; this is to set a tone for your next phase of life. Be happy while you’re single; smile all the time and be nice to