The Perfect Family Storm: Tips to Restore Mental Health and Strengthen Family Relationships in Today's World

By Cathy L. Reimers PH.D.

Do you feel overwhelmed as you watch your child, teen, adult childor even yourselfspiral out of control? Is your family being torn apart by stress? Are your familys relationships drowning in a flood of technology?

In The Perfect Family Storm: Tips to Restore Mental Health and Strengthen Family Relationships in Todays World, Dr. Cathy Reimers offers compassion, expert advice, and concrete strategies to help families navigate the current challenges of divorce, technology, addiction, violence, mental health problems, and more.

As you seek a safe port in The Perfect Family Storm, this book will be your anchor. Reading it will be your first step in regaining control of your life, strengthening relationships in your family, and discovering the truth behind your behavior, leading to inner peace.

This book will help you and your family members to:

protect your child from violence, porn, and bullying;
break Internet, cell phone, alcohol, drug, cutting, food,
and overspending addictions;
manage the impact of divorce on you and your children;
identify what type of parent you are;
prevent dishonesty, promiscuousness, and out-of-control
behavior in your child;
learn how pets can be a barometer for family dysfunction; and
identify mental health issues and their relationship to family stress.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Sep 10, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504336321

Cathy L. Reimers PH.D.

Cathy Reimers, PhD, also known as Dr. Cathy on her Internet talk-radio show, Perfect Family Storms, is a clinical psychologist with over twenty-five years of experience counseling children, adults, and families. She is a co-author of two ADHD books and blogs on her websites, link, link, and link.

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Copyright © 2015 Cathy L. Reimers, PH.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3631-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3633-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3632-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015910761

Balboa Press rev. date: 9/9/2015

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1 Is This Your Family?

Chapter 2 Storms of Violence

Chapter 3 The Tidal Wave of Technology’s Addiction

Chapter 4 The Brutal Storm of Divorce

Chapter 5 A Family’s Blizzard of Drugs

Chapter 6 The Storms of Dishonesty, Rootlessness, And Promiscuity

Chapter 7 The Family’s Financial Storm

Chapter 8 The Whirlwind in the Classroom

Chapter 9 The Storm That Gains Velocity—the Power of the Child

Chapter 10 The Force of Parenting Paradigms

Chapter 11 The Deluge of Mental Health Issues

Chapter 12 Pets Get Caught in the Perfect Family Storm

Epilogue The Family Storms are Perfect

It is with gratitude that I dedicate this book to my family and all the families that have helped me appreciate the complexity of family relationships and the fortitude and depth of the human heart.

I would also like to acknowledge The Weather Channel for inspiring me to understand how families unite and work together to survive the toughest of storms.

INTRODUCTION

There are some things you can only learn in a storm.

Joel Osteen

The American family has been tested and sometimes even broken by the perfect storm of the modern world. Violence, divorce, technology, financial panic, and addiction can leave parents drained while their children’s lives and mental health spiral out of control. Maybe you know the feeling? Many of us try to give our kids everything, hoping that our sacrifice will solidify our relationship with them. Yet, we often lose connection to our children as we are consumed by our efforts to buy things for them, transport them to their activities, arrange play dates for them, and have parties for them instead of taking the time to listen to them with our ears and heart. We struggle to send them to good schools but wonder whether they will return unhurt or even alive. We try to help them with their homework, but often we barely even recognize the electronic devices they’re using to do it. As both parents work long hours and children strive, sulk, or escape into techno-fantasies, we’re isolated from one another and inundated with data from the outside world. This creates a breeding ground for cataclysm—the perfect family storm.

I’ve drawn this book’s title from one of the best-known metaphors of our time, popularized by journalist Sebastian Junger, who wrote about the 1991 collision of three massive unstable weather systems in the North Atlantic. Since the publication of his book, The Perfect Storm, which was also made into a blockbuster movie, we’ve heard the term applied to crises in areas ranging from finance to faith. But, in fact, the expression might be even more applicable to families.

A perfect storm happens at the place where three or more huge forces collide, multiplying their energy to create a supersized disaster. In meteorology, it’s when several storm systems clash and feed upon each other as they did in 1991. The financial meltdown of 2008 was also a textbook example of a perfect storm. Panics regarding real estate, credit card debt, and shaky new financial products combined into an economic cataclysm of unprecedented proportions. The term has also been used to describe recent crises in healthcare, religion, and even sports.

We’ve always regarded the American family as the place where we could find refuge from the storms of the outside world. When external forces threaten, we fall back on our family. When schools, churches, and governments fail, we count on our family to survive. Family is our bastion of identity, attitude, experience, and value. It’s our retreat in times of trouble. Or, so we thought. The truth is that family occupies a landscape that is incredibly vulnerable to storms.

The perfect family storm is the convergence of many stressors upon family life. Addiction, violence, and technology are among the strongest forces behind the storm. But there are many other forces such as divorce, dishonesty, and financial ruin. All of this impacts our mental health. Fighting with spouses, children, teenagers and other family members—living with constant stress—can lead to depression and anxiety in families. And many of us are even living, unknowingly, with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The perfect family storm is more than just the external stressors impacting the family. What an individual learns within a family and the internal stressors he or she experiences while struggling with relationships with family members may result in perfect lessons. Yes, they can actually be perfect if you can stand back and view the struggle as a perfect learning opportunity to deepen our connection to others, give meaning to our life, help define our purpose, and grow emotionally and spiritually. Family storms drive us deeper within ourselves, allowing us to look honestly, as we are being challenged to change.

Your experiences growing up in your family—particularly your relationships with your parents—may have been painful. But, perhaps the emotional hurt you experienced in your family and how you reacted to it made you who you are today. Often, our family relationships become the template for future relationships, whether we like it or not. The good news is that the struggle, pain, and conflict provide us with an opportunity for self-examination, which is the first step in healing our emotional wounds. Having insight into your own behavior allows you to understand and accept the behavior of your family members. With this knowledge, you become less reactive to family conflict or family drama. Being less reactive in a family storm may result in calmness and inner peace. This emotional space is much like being in the eye of a hurricane, a calm place, despite the fact that you are surrounded by turbulent winds of family stress.

The stories you are about to read could well be your own or those of someone you love. They are designed to prompt inquiry and introspection. Although these stories may appear negative at first glance, if you are able to look more deeply into them and identify the conflict or how the characters behave in relationships, you may identify dynamics in which you unknowingly participate in your own family. You may see some aspect of your personality—one that you may not want to acknowledge. Often what we don’t like in others is in ourselves. Stepping back and identifying those aspects is the first step in healing your own pain and feeling empathy toward family members who are experiencing emotional pain or conflict. These challenging stories can have very positive outcomes for you if you are willing to face what you may want to resist. Have you ever noticed that what you choose to resist appears to persist?

Finding the right answers starts with asking the right questions. If you or someone in your family feels worried, stressed out, or ashamed because of behavior that seems out of control, finding a solution lies in facing questions like these:

• Do you ever feel stressed out by the constant arguing or complaining in your family?

• Are your kids spoiled, or does hearing No create a battle in your home?

• Are you being disrespected by your children or your spouse?

• Are you concerned that your child may suffer from anxiety or depression?

• Have you ever found yourself asking, What kind of parent am I? because you feel guilty about being angry, impatient, or rushed?

• Do you fear for the safety of your child in school, at home, or in your neighborhood, or are you afraid of your child?

• Are you concerned that your child will not be able to function emotionally, be financially independent as a young adult, or be able to hold down a job or work as hard as you have?

• Do you resent your child or teenager for being on his or her cell phone, text messaging, spending too much time on social media or the Internet, or playing video games?

If you answered yes to any of these, then this book is for you.

I’m a psychologist, and I work with families. I see the perfect family storm every day. It leaves behind mental health issues that cause us to lose ourselves and our connection to our family and loved ones. We have lost the ability to communicate with honesty, to practice active listening, and to feel empathy. To save and strengthen our family relationships, we must restore what we have lost.

My job requires me to take a step back and identify a person’s contributions to the problem and how they impact the family dynamics. Once we’ve seen where problems come from and how they impact our lives, we can find ways to undo the damage and keep it from happening again. Finally, we will look at ways for families to adapt and survive the storms, but more importantly, prosper, grow, deepen, and strengthen our relationships.

At the end of each chapter, I will list five tips designed to help you solve the problems we’ve covered. These tips don’t comprise the entire solution, but following them should help you move in the right direction. Let’s start out with five suggestions that show how a reader can get the most out of a book like this one. You can test them by applying them to Chapter One:

1. Begin reading when you have a half hour of free time.

2. Sit down in a quiet, comfortable place.

3. Turn off the TV, radio, and all connections to the Internet.

4. Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and then remember that you are going to read about families.

5. Think of your own family and begin reading.

CHAPTER 1

IS THIS YOUR FAMILY?

In the following story, we follow a normal American family during their average weekday. Sam and Debbie are raising three children: Lauren, Connor, and Gracie. Sam works in the high-tech industry and is a successful businessman whose work keeps him on the road and away from his family. Debbie works part time on the weekends as a hairdresser. Lauren is seventeen, a senior in high school, and Connor is fourteen, a freshman in high school. Gracie, the youngest in the family, is twelve and is in sixth grade.

Ten More Minutes

7:30 a.m.

Debbie awakens with dreadful thoughts of what the day will bring. Will she be able to survive another fight with Gracie? What will Lauren ask for today, new jeans or a new purse? Connor creeps into her thoughts next. What new technique can she come up with to get him off the computer without World War III erupting? She draws a blank.

Her thoughts shift, and she imagines herself sipping a glass of wine in the late evening hours. For a moment she feels peaceful…until she looks over at the empty pillow next to her. Sam left for work at the crack of dawn. The depth of her loneliness creeps in. Sam is never around, always working, working, working…

Her thoughts are interrupted by the ranting and raving of Lauren’s shrill voice.

Get up, you lazy brat! You’re not going to make us late for school again. Damn it, Mom, do something! You let her get away with murder.

Mom, Gracie yells back, Lauren hit me with my pillow and threw my blankets on the floor. I don’t have to do what she says. She’s not my mother!

Yes, Gracie, Debbie calls back as she gets out of bed and starts down the stairs to begin making breakfast, but you do have to get dressed, honey.

Only Lauren makes it downstairs for breakfast, and the whole time she’s eating, she complains about how long Gracie takes to get ready. Debbie stares at the eggs and bacon she made for four people, most of which is now going to waste. Debbie herself is too sad and anxious to even want to eat.

Gracie get down here now! Debbie finally calls upstairs after Lauren complains for the tenth time that she’s going to be late for school and stomps to the garage to wait in the car. I’m starting to lose my temper. This is the fifth time I asked you to come down. It’s a battle every morning to get Gracie out of the house. Your sister is already outside, and we’re leaving in five minutes. Have you seen my keys? Tell your brother to get in here and help me find them. Connor, where are you? You’re not still on the computer, are you? Get down here and help me!

Gracie hands her the keys just as Connor shows up in the kitchen. Where they were hiding is a mystery to Debbie, and before Debbie can ask, her daughter yells, Connor has my lunch and he says he’s going to take my Rice Krispies treat!

Gracie punches Connor in the arm and throws her math book at him. Connor holds Gracie’s lunch bag over her head.

Lauren comes back from the garage. Look, Mom, we have to be at school in ten minutes. I can’t be late for my first period because we have a history test this morning. Please! Gracie! It’s all your fault if I get an F! I hate this house! I hate this family! I can’t wait to move out.

A heavy, familiar smell fills the air as Debbie tries to usher all three kids through the living room and toward the garage. Damn it, Connor! I told you to take that dog out this morning! He just peed on the rug. Clean it up before we leave.

The commotion excites the dog and he starts barking, running around the house, and jumping on the kids. Then he pees on the carpet again.

I’m not cleaning it up. He’s not my dog! I didn’t even want a dog. Gracie, you do it.

Hurry, hurry, come on everybody, let’s go! Debbie says, getting the kids out the door. The dog pee will have to wait. Your sister can’t be late. She sits in the driver’s seat. Buckle up. Oh my God, damn it! Where are my glasses? Connor, run back into the house and get my glasses, please. They’re on the kitchen counter!

Tell Gracie to do it, Connor says. She’s the one making us late.

I’m not doing it, Gracie says. I didn’t forget them.

God, I’ll do it myself! Debbie yells as she gets out, slamming the car door into the garage workbench.

Dad’s gonna get mad about you banging the car up again, Connor says, when Debbie returns with her glasses—which happened to be upstairs in her bedroom on her nightstand.

Finally, they pull out of the driveway. After thirty seconds of wonderful silence, Connor says, My lunch! It’s by the front door!

Mom, you’re not going to go back, are you? says Lauren.

Debbie sighs and turns the car around to get the lunch. Afterward, as she speeds to the middle school, Gracie starts to cry hysterically.

What’s wrong, Gracie? Lauren asks.

My science project! I forgot it in the garage. My teacher said if I don’t bring it today, I’ll get an F. It was really due yesterday.

I told you to put it in the car last night so you wouldn’t forget it! Debbie says. I’ll bring it back later and leave it in the office.

You stupid idiot, you forget everything! Lauren says.

Don’t talk to your sister that way. Please don’t call each other names. I can’t stand it. You’re the oldest; you’re supposed to be setting an example. Please, Lauren, try to help me out here. Connor, what are you doing? Please answer me when I talk to you. Turn off your phone before I take it away. Don’t take that to school again—if it gets stolen, I’m not buying you a new one.

He loses everything and you still buy him new things, Lauren says. Oh, by the way, Mom, don’t forget to pick up my nail polish after cheerleading practice. And I need to stop by the mall to buy some more jeans.

You don’t need another pair of jeans, Debbie says. She feels like she says this every day.

8:30 a.m.

When Debbie comes home, the dog pee is waiting for her. The breakfast dishes are on the table instead of in the sink, where she asked the kids to put them. The water in the bathroom sink is running, every light in the house is on, and the kitchen cupboards are wide open.

She tells herself that right after she cleans everything, she’ll take Gracie’s science project to school. But, she forgets.

11:00 a.m.

This is the school nurse, Debbie hears when she answers the phone. We have Gracie here in the nurse’s office. She says she has a stomachache and she thinks it must be the flu. She says she feels like throwing up.

Debbie sighs. Gracie is in the nurse’s office again. Is it because Gracie has to run the timed mile in gym class this morning, or is she nervous about performing that poem she wrote in English? In the background, she can hear Gracie crying.

Mom, please come and get me, Gracie says when the nurse puts her on the phone. My stomach hurts. I’m going to throw up. I have to come home.

Debbie is paralyzed. Having her daughter home for the day will be pure hell, but if she doesn’t pick Gracie up, it’ll look like she doesn’t care about her daughter. She already told Gracie no the last time she wanted to come home, so she can’t do it again without looking like a bad mother.

She can hear Gracie making a hysterical scene with the nurse.

I think you’d better pick her up, the nurse says. She’s very emotional.

Debbie tells herself to stay calm—it’s important to stay calm. That’s what her daughter’s therapist says. She inhales again and exhales slowly.

I’ll be there in a few minutes, she says.

When they get home, Gracie starts scratching her hair and picking at scabs on her scalp.

I told you not to pick at those scabs! Debbie says. They’re getting infected. You’re going to have scars on your face if you don’t stop.

I hate you! yells Gracie. You don’t love me! You’re the worst mother in the world!

Gracie storms into her bedroom and slams the door so hard that it breaks off the hinges and can no longer be locked. She turns on her computer and starts downloading music.

Debbie follows her upstairs. Don’t think you’re going to play on the computer today! If you’re too sick to go to school, you’re too sick to play on the computer. Get off the computer now.

Don’t tell me what to do. This is my computer and I can do what I want. You’re such a bitch.

Don’t you call me a bitch!

Before Debbie realizes what she’s doing, she slaps Gracie in the face. A moment later, she feels the slap of Gracie’s hand against her own face, her baby’s hand. Her baby girl hit her. I hit my baby girl, she thinks, as Gracie storms out of the house crying. And she hit me.

You’d better come back here! she yells, following her out the door.

Gracie keeps walking, and Debbie is scared. What if she runs away? What if the neighbors hear them? What will they think? This is a nice neighborhood.

Exhausted by the morning and overwhelmed, she starts to cry. I need help, she thinks as she stops following her daughter and goes home. Fifteen minutes later, Gracie comes back into the house and storms into her bedroom. Debbie is relieved.

Sitting in her room, sobbing, Gracie is thinking that her mother doesn’t love her because she didn’t chase after her.

3:30 p.m.

Why didn’t Gracie stay at school? Lauren says when Debbie picks up the older kids from school. She’s such a faker, Mom. I can’t believe you let her get away with that.

Debbie drops Lauren off at cheerleading practice. As soon as she and Connor get home, Connor runs up to his room to play his war video game.

5:00 p.m.

Connor, it’s time to get off the computer and do your homework, Debbie says.

I just started playing, he says. "I can’t stop now—I’m at level fifteen. It’s the highest I’ve ever been. Please Mom,