The Essential Family Conflict Toolkit

By Diana Basterfield

Learning communication skills can transform your relationships. Gain mastery over wayward emotions,impulsive arguments or irrational behaviour with this handy toolkit. Learn how to deal with conflicts peacefully! If you share your living space as a couple or a family you will benefit from Diana Basterfield's book. Make your home an Oasis of Peace; enjoy your relationships in a conflict free zone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Diana Basterfield
• Release date: Jun 22, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458094063

Diana Basterfield

Diana Basterfield, BA, MA, PGCE, NLP Master Practitioner, has been a catalyst for peace for the last eight years. She set up a campaign to have a Ministry for Peace in the British Parliament and co-founded the Global Alliance - working internationally to support similar initiatives in over 40 countries.Diana spent half her childhood in Yugoslavia, Egypt and France and has since spent time in China, Japan, USA, India and Spain.She has been an elected Councillor in her London borough and worked in local government and the public sector for twenty years before co-founding and managing a health website.

Book preview

The Essential

Family Conflict Toolkit

-

Creating an Oasis of Peace

by

Diana Basterfield

SMASHWORDS EDITION

*****

Published by

Diana Basterfield on Smashwords

The Essential Family Conflict Toolkit –

Creating an Oasis of Peace

Copyright 2011 by Diana Basterfield

http://www.dianabasterfield.com/

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

* * * * *

Edited by Angela Clarence

Cover Design by Raúl López Cabello

Artwork Copyright Madartists | Dreamstime.com

Publisher’s Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, medical or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

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Violence is never far. It is possible to identify the

seeds of violence in our everyday thoughts,

speech, and actions. We can find these

seeds in our own minds, in our

attitudes, and in our fears

and anxieties about

ourselves and

others.

Thinking itself can be violent, and violent

thoughts can lead us to speak and

act violently. In this way,

the violence in our minds

manifests in the

world.

Thich Nhat Hanh

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Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1. Conflict? Me?

Chapter 2. More than Just Fight or Flight

Chapter 3. What is Controlling Your Mind?

Chapter 4. Anger – Friend or Foe?

Chapter 5. Calming Down

Chapter 6. Plug into Your Heart

Chapter 7. Me Tarzan, You Jane?

Chapter 8. Prevention is Better than Cure

Chapter 9. Facing the Music – Nothing to Fear

Chapter 10.Mind Your Language

Chapter 11.Calling on the Experts

Chapter12. Tiny Tots

Chapter 13. The Kids are Driving Me Crazy!

Chapter 14. Teenagers – Help!

Conclusion

Appendix 1 - Seville Statement on Violence

Appendix 2 - Resources

About the Author

Endorsements

References

Aknowledgments

I would like to thank my colleagues in ministry for peace for their friendship, humor and support as we labor to persuade UK politicians that family, community and international conflict, including wars can be prevented. The subsequent financial savings could instead be diverted to fund life-enhancing activities such as health, education, the arts and greening the planet.

This book would never have come about if I hadn’t answered an advertisement to spend two weeks house-sitting in Spain looking after Lidl, (the most charismatic, intelligent and affectionate of dogs)! On the owner’s return, we talked about the peace campaign I had initiated and how the roots of conflict in fact start in the home. Rather than wait for the government to do something about it, she suggested I write a manual on conflict resolution myself Not only that, but as a writer herself, she offered to edit it for me.

So enormous thanks to Angela Clarence for putting the idea in my head, for daily emails of encouragement and advice on so many aspects of being a writer, and for all the care and attention to detail in the editing.

INTRODUCTION

Has coupledom turned out as you pictured it? Would you describe your family life as harmonious? Do you mainly feel relaxed and happy at home or anxious and on edge?

What’s happening with other families? For some decades now more than half of all first marriages in the United States have ended in divorce and the failure rate for second marriages is even worse.

How do you see conflict in a relationship - as an opportunity for personal growth or as a threat? Experts will tell you that, properly handled, conflict is essential because it improves mutual understanding and hence the quality of relationships.

On top of coping with all the normal challenges in family relationships, the global economy, as well as unstable climatic conditions, has resulted in millions of people suffering unemployment and homelessness. At the same time governments are also cutting back on public services and benefits. It is our personal support systems – our partners and our families – that give us the strength and motivation to withstand such periods of difficulty. However, when times are hard, our emotional stability takes a knock and conflicts can flare up, especially with our nearest and dearest.

Then there is the bigger picture. We all long for a peaceful world free of conflict. But who is going to create that peace? Well, ourselves, actually. According to quantum physics, everything is energy and everything is inter-connected and interrelated, and that includes us. Our thoughts, feelings and actions influence and affect those around us. Our individual efforts to prevent and resolve our own conflicts create a harmonious space that spreads ripples throughout our community, our country and the world. While the role of the United Nations, government, religions and individual leaders is vital, our personal role in creating peace is equally, if not more, important.

It is never too late to make a fresh start and reduce conflict with your loved ones. The practical tools in this book can help to turn things around and strengthen family ties as we go through the storms ahead.

How to Use This Book

While you may want to jump straight to the tools, if you first take a look at the latest findings on how your brain and your mind really function, you will benefit even more. With a little practice you can make deeply beneficial changes in the way you and your family relate to one another, and to the world at large.

Why not set up a group with friends to help you practice the various tools so that they are at your fingertips when you need them? Working with others can be therapeutic and a lot of fun.

A tip: as you read through the book and find tools that you want to try, make a note of the numbers on the inside cover for easy reference.

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Chapter One

CONFLICT? ME?

The greatest revolution in our generation is that of human beings, who by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives

Marilyn Ferguson

When we are born our brains are largely unformed. They become organized in the first months of life, as the circuitry becomes wired. How effective that wiring is in relation to emotional development depends very much on how close we were to our mother from the outset. At about nine months a baby will want to start exploring the world away from mother but only if they have had the love and emotional support to give them the confidence to do so. Later there is the bigger separation - school and friends and so on. How was your childhood experience?

If we are to become fully developed human beings (self-actualized), Abraham Maslow says there is a hierarchy of needs that need to be met during childhood:

Level 1 Be nourished emotionally and physically

Level 2 Feel secure and able to move away from mother towards friends and school

Level 3 Feel part of a social group - family, tribe, or clan

Level 4 Be appreciated and recognized as special and valuable by people in and outside the family

Level 5 Become fully yourself, creative, centered, productive = (self-actualized)

Ask yourself: "What level have I reached on the hierarchy of needs?

If you conclude that your formative years fell short of the optimum it is possible to rework early development. There are a number of therapies such as hypnotherapy, touch therapy, personal-growth seminars, meditation, psychological counseling, and so on. Seeking professional help can make a vital contribution when sorting out and healing the past.

Having looked at your own hierarchy of needs, ask yourself whether the developmental needs of your partner were fully met? You probably know their parents and their background. Are there gaps in their pyramid? Thinking about this can help spark your curiosity, elicit your empathy and consider their unfulfilled needs when a conflict arises. You can help them overcome their past.

There is no need to brush grievances and complaints under the carpet; in fact it is positively unhealthy to do so. They will eventually surface and cause you even more trouble. Use tried and tested conflict tools to share expectations, wishes and disappointments with your