Look Before You Step: Advice for Potential Stepparents and Their Partners

By Bonny Gainley

Look Before You Step will help potential stepparents prepare personal strategies for facing the challenges involved in forming a stepfamily by analyzing their own values and goals in relation to the issues they will encounter. By considering the issues we describe, potential stepparents can objectively determine how they will handle the issues they are likely to face before the issues are upon them and fraught with emotion. Look Before You Step contains a collection of real experiences and advice from real stepparents, intended to spark conversations for couples contemplating forming a stepfamily, because while every stepparenting experience is different, there are many common threads. We do not want to discourage stepfamily marriages; we want to help potential stepparents understand what they are undertaking so that they can avoid some of the anguish others before them have faced. Look Before You Step is based on in depth original interviews, surveys, personal experience and research. The text contains studies, survey results, self-inventories, advice and discussion questions meant to prompt potential stepparents to recognize similarities with their own situations so that they can easily choose appropriate topics to discuss with their partners.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Oct 22, 2002
• ISBN: 9781469784007

Bonny Gainley

Bonny Gainley and Laurie King are stepmothers. Bonny is a writer and consultant with a marketing degree, and spent 12 years in the high tech industry in business management positions. Laurie is a manager with 20 years of experience in the high tech industry and a degree in electrical engineering.

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© 2002 by Bonny P Gainley

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the publisher.

Writers Club Press

an imprint of iUniverse, Inc.

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ISBN: 0-595-25097-1 (pbk)

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Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Acknowledgements

Preface

1

What Am I Getting Into?

2

What Does It Feel Like To Be A Stepparent?

3

How Difficult Will My Experience Be?

4

How Does It Work? Items Typically Spelled Out In A Divorce Decree

5

What Doesn’t The Divorce Agreement Cover?

6

Defining Your Role

7

Assuming Your Role

8

Not Losing Sight of Yourself

9

Protecting Yourself

10

Your Relationship With Your Partner

11

Your Relationship With Your Stepchildren

12

Your Relationship With Your Partner’s Ex

13

Interacting With Your Partner’s Ex

14

The Child To Child Relationships

15

Questions That Should Come Before Marriage

16

Going In Prepared

Bibliography

Acknowledgements

This book is the result of input from over one hundred people. We are grateful to all the stepparents who answered our endless questions honestly and openly, even though their truthful answers sometimes put them in a less than favorable light. Without their honesty we would not have been able to accurately portray what it is really like to be a stepparent. We would like to thank everyone we interviewed, surveyed or talked to casually about life as a stepparent. Every one of you contributed to this book. We would also like to thank the spouses of stepparents we talked to; their feedback gave us a very good perspective on life from the other point of view.

I am particularly thankful for the continual encouragement I received from my husband Glenn, who had to read every rough draft, and who supported my decision to quit my job to complete this book. I am also grateful for the continual support, encouragement and editing my mom Dory gave me, and for encouragement from my friends, especially Jackie and Sue. And of course, this book couldn’t exist without the collaboration of my partner and good friend Laurie. Thanks to all of you for helping me to make this a reality.

Laurie would like to thank her friend Cindy, a stepmother, with whom she was able to discuss issues, joys and concerns over the last several years. She would also like to thank Bonny for giving up so much over the last year. This book could not have happened without her commitment to the project.

Preface

I’ve read the back covers of countless step parenting books, and a similar theme is that the authors have been surprised by the issues they encountered as stepparents, and have written books intended to give stepparents advice or instruction manuals for integrating members of a stepfamily. Similarly, Laurie and I are intelligent, well educated and accomplished; yet none of our life experiences adequately prepared us for the challenges we faced when we became stepparents.

What sets this book apart from other step parenting books is that we are trying to reach people before they form stepfamilies with information about what their experience will be like and suggestions for topics to discuss with their partners. We will not tell you how to be a stepparent, because there is no single correct philosophy. However, we will help you understand some of the issues you may face and questions you should ask, so that you can go into your stepfamily better informed and prepared than we were. Because 60% of second marriages fail, we hope to give potential stepparents serious food for thought so they can evaluate whether their relationship is strong enough to withstand the issues that will wear it down and whether they will be able to accept the realities of stepfamily life. We are not trying to discourage people from forming stepfamilies; on the contrary, we want to help them prepare if they decide to make what will be one of the biggest commitments of their lives.

Many people drastically underestimate how complicated a marriage with pre-existing children is. We found most stepparents didn’t know they needed to ask extensive questions, let alone what those questions were. For instance, what if your partner does not discipline his children because he doesn’t want to alienate them? What if you can never build a close relationship with your stepchild because she feels you displaced her other parent? What would be your legal rights if you found yourself fighting over your own earnings with your partner’s ex? What if your partner makes you feel second rate by continually placing her children’s needs ahead of yours? What if your partner’s ex tells your stepchildren lies about you? What if you can’t discuss anything important in front of the children, for fear it will be used against you?

Most of the questions a potential stepparent should ask do not have right or wrong answers, since the answers vary by family situation and the laws of the state in which the family lives. What is important is that potential stepparents decide whether they can be comfortable with the realistic answers for their particular stepfamily. As we heard over and over, it is far better to understand and discuss potential issues before getting married than to deal with them after the fact, when issues are likely to be more emotional and the consequences of a breakup far greater.

If you were to ask someone off the street what goes wrong in step-families, the answer would probably be either nightmare kids or wicked stepparents. While these are common stereotypes, they are not usually even the biggest issues. In this book we shed some light on countless other issues real stepparents deal with. Based on interview feedback from the many people we talked to, we provide a look at relationships, feelings, pitfalls and roles in a stepfamily and give you information that will help you determine whether you can make your intended stepfamily successful.

I wrote this book because I wanted to spare others some of the pain I caused myself by being unprepared and joining my stepfamily with unrealistic expectations. I knew stepfamilies were a challenge, but thought I wouldn’t have any significant problems because I had a very supportive husband and stepchildren who were wonderful from day one. My strong relationship with my husband inspired me and gave me strength to work through the issues, but even so, there were extremely difficult times because of all the complications I hadn’t anticipated and my expectations of how our lives would be.

Looking back, I have to laugh at how naïve I was. Twenty-nine years old and childless, I thought I was getting an instant family complete with children who would be like my own. I thought I would feel like a mother and do all the things mothers do. I also thought I would get along well with my husband’s ex wife. In many cases, the reality was quite different than my idyllic vision. While the reality was not all negative, it was surprising, and becoming comfortable in my family was a much bigger challenge than I had anticipated. After a few years of struggling through my issues, I gained a new understanding of how my needs would and would not be met in my family situation. From there I reevaluated decisions I had made about my goals and life, which can be a painful and threatening process for loved ones. I was lucky my husband was willing to make major changes to our agreement about how our family would be, but others are not. I could have spared my husband and I a lot of stress by having a more realistic view of what I was taking on. Instead, I reacted emotionally to each new problem and then had to struggle through solving it.

Even under ideal circumstances, forming a stepfamily is one of the most difficult tasks you could ever take on. Going into it prepared can mean the difference between success and failure in your marriage. When I married into a stepfamily and encountered problems, my first reaction was similar to many we heard—I thought the issues existed because I wasn’t trying hard enough or wasn’t doing it right. I knew I couldn’t try any harder than I was, but I certainly could have approached some issues in a better way. After interviewing many people for this book, it became obvious that most stepparents have similar feelings. Many stepparents don’t make it because they were unprepared for what step parenting cost them in terms of time, sacrifices, emotions and energy. It takes years of hard work to become comfortable in your family, but stepparents who have paid the price usually say the rewards are well worth it if you can make it past the initial struggles. Among other things, you will build a stronger relationship with your partner after weathering the issues in bringing your family together.

We initially set out to direct this book toward people without children marrying people with children, but found that even people with children experienced many unexpected struggles when they became stepparents. This book is about issues all potential stepparents should discuss with their partners before forming a stepfamily. It will also give your partners-single people with children-insight into what you will be dealing with. We interviewed men and women, with children and without, to get the information in this book. It does not contain a great deal of scientific data based on research and experiments, but rather relates real experiences from the real people who lived them so that you might pick out similarities in your own prospective family. We changed names to protect people’s privacy, but other than that, the stories in this book appear just as they were related to us.

There’s a final note I’d like to add. The stories we are sharing obviously reflect only one side of the event described. While that might flaw a scientific experiment, it is perfect for our purposes. There was a great deal of commonality in the stories we heard, and whether the other people mentioned would agree with the facts or not, the stories relate the true feelings and perceptions of stepparents. Since our goal is to prepare potential stepparents and help them honestly evaluate whether they can conquer the challenges they will face, stepparent’s perceptions of the situations they lived are the reality we are concerned with and can give you valuable insight into what it feels like to be a stepparent. We wish you a wonderful and fulfilling stepfamily experience.

Bonny Gainley and Laurie King

1

What Am I Getting Into?

So you’re considering becoming a stepparent? If you choose to do so, you will be undertaking one of the biggest challenges of your life, with great potential for both rewards and disappointments. During the first few years of being part of a blended family, most stepparents will find themselves experiencing strong emotions, many of them negative. In this book we address the downsides of being a new stepparent at great length, not in an attempt to discourage you, but in order to give you a realistic picture of what you’re considering getting into so you can prepare to successfully navigate the issues you are likely to face.

Many are unprepared for the difficult first years of a stepfamily, which helps explain the high failure rate of second marriages. In all the people we interviewed, we didn’t find anyone who had found their stepfamily experience easier than they expected. In fact, 59% of the people we surveyed said they were surprised by the amount of work and responsibility their stepfamily required. While none of the issues discussed in this book are unsolvable, the old saying is true-most things worth having require a great deal of work. Obviously many stepparents and their families get past the difficult times and are rewarded with solid families, but it is important to avoid underestimating the effort that achievement usually requires.

The beginning of a stepfamily marks an adjustment period for all members of the family, but especially for the stepparent. In newly blended families there are plenty of reasons for everyone to struggle with their emotions and each other. At least one adult and his or her children have been hurt by a failed relationship in the past, and they are often cautious about being hurt again. The children usually do not have a say in whether the family will be formed, and may struggle with issues of loyalty, priority and resentment. Every family member will have issues to work through, but on top of everyone else’s issues that may require special care, the stepparent will bear the burden of building new relationships, defining a role that didn’t previously exist in the family and becoming comfortable with his or her new responsibilities and authority.

If your family is to be successful, it is critical that you understand what you are taking on and be able to make that commitment without harboring undue resentments. The information in this book will help you approach your potential stepfamily with a personal plan for success that meshes your own values and goals with what is realistic for your particular family. The stories in the following chapters will help you gauge your ability to cope with typical situations a stepparent faces and consider how you would handle them. This book is not intended to illustrate what is right or wrong with how other stepparents have handled problems, but to explore different solutions and the advantages and disadvantages associated with them. Each family functions with different arrangements, and we urge you to have extensive discussions with your partner to form the strategy that will work best for yours.

Sobering Statistics

Those are scary odds!

It is currently estimated that stepfamilies outnumber traditional families. Though our society considers the stepfamily to be the alternative and not the norm, that mindset is simply inaccurate. Stepfamilies are common and normal, yet not well understood or supported. The general population is marrying at an older age, and the older a person gets, the more likely they are to meet and fall in love with someone who has already been married, and many previously married people have children. In fact, according to data gathered by the U.S. Census Bureau, 43% of all marriages are subsequent marriages for at least one of the adults, and 65% of remarriages involve children, thus creating a step-family. Unfortunately, 60% of all remarriages eventually end in divorce, an even higher failure rate than first marriages. According to Kay Pasley, professor of family studies at the University of North Carolina-Greensboro, when remarriages end in divorce it is often because of the strains of stepfamily life.

Just how many people are involved in stepfamilies? 7.3 million children are members of stepfamilies, 5.3 million married couple households have at least one stepchild under 18, and one sixth of all children are stepchildren. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, one in three Americans is now a member of a stepfamily. Since 837,000 people remarry each year, and it is estimated that 65% of those remarriages involve children, over 1400 new stepfamilies are formed every day.

Ok, now are you worried? You should be, because any marriage is difficult, and making a stepfamily marriage work can be even more so. Even though the adults forming a stepfamily tend to be older and wiser, the challenges are also far greater. If you are reading this book, it is likely because you are contemplating a marriage that will form a step-family and preparing yourself to avoid being another bad statistic. That’s good, because divorce is one of the most unpleasant experiences a person can live through.

What Is A Stepparent?

Are there any good stereotypes?

Try asking the next person you meet to describe their image of a stepparent. Chances are you will not be showered with positive words. That small exercise will give you a hint of the challenges you face if you choose to take on this role. Public opinion is stacked against stepparents even before their new stepchildren know their name. We’ve all heard the common associations: wicked, replacement, competitor, gold digger, etc. The word stepparent inspires emotional responses simply because our society’s fairy tale stereotype tells us the stepparent is always evil. Though we no longer assume stepparents are out to kill or enslave their stepchildren, we do still associate them with confusion, tension and divided loyalties, and may secretly suspect they are up to no good. Just the word itself is confusing-are you or are you not a parent? Many would answer that a stepparent is not a real parent. Nobody aspires to be a stepparent, but it is a role many of us find ourselves in because of today’s divorce rate and who we fall in love with.

While doing Internet research, we ran across a piece of information that accurately summed up society’s image of a stepparent. In a paragraph containing statistics about young men who were children of divorce was the following sentence:

This lack of enthusiasm for life is understandable in light of their family history: 30 to 50% of their parents were still bitter 10 years later, only 14% considered both their parents happily remarried, 60% felt rejected by one parent, and 80% had to deal with a stepparent (Mental Help Net—Wallerstein and Blakeslee 1989).

This phrase makes it sound as if everyone takes for granted a stepparent is something that must be dealt with. It can hurt to be labeled this way, especially since most stepparents put tremendous effort into their roles and don’t deserve this negative image. Stepparents can add considerably to the lives of their stepchildren, and are often incredibly positive forces in their families. Over time, as the role becomes even more common, the negative images will have to change, but today they are still a reality.

How do you get past all the negative images? First, you must accept that the stereotype still exists. If you become a stepparent, you will be branded with certain labels whether you fit them or not, so you should try to understand the perceptions you may be dealing with. It will only be the hard work you put into defining your role that will change negative images in the minds of those who matter to you. It is not fair to have to start a new role with insulting labels, but it’s no different than any other stereotypes people must deal with. Recognizing that the current image is a problem is the beginning of changing it.

Our society praises those who adopt children, because adoptive parents provide something children would not otherwise have had. The attitude toward stepparents should be no different. Stepparents willingly take on the burden of helping to care for other people’s biological children. They take children into their homes and provide food, transportation and nurturing, and also provide a model of what a cohesive family and healthy marriage looks like. Stepparents do not replace parents, but they should not be compared to parents, they should be recognized for the value they add in their own right.

Will you be a parent? If you take on a step-parenting role, you will probably perform just as many parenting duties as any other parent, maybe more. You will find you are a driver, disciplinarian, cook, cleaning person, homework partner, buddy and scapegoat. The step part of stepparent is deceiving. The demands your family will place on you will be no less than those made of any other parent. While you may be required to perform most of the same duties as a biological parent, you will probably get different rewards. So is a stepparent a parent? Yes in some ways, no in others. As a potential stepparent, you must decide whether your balance of yes answers to no answers will be acceptable to you.

Part of who you will be is reflected in what you will be called. If you have your heart set on being mom or dad you may be disappointed. On the other hand, to be Joe or Amy is reasonable. It may also help to define who you are not. For instance saying, I am not your mother or I am not your father can help your stepchildren feel less threatened. Your partner should also help define who you are. For instance, he could say to his children:

I love this person, and she is a permanent member of our family. You don’t have to love her, but you must be polite and respectful.

Your time as a new stepparent can be more difficult because of stereotypes you have no control over, and it is realistic to expect negative reactions from at least a few people. Even though you shouldn’t have to, you will be the one that changes negative images in the minds of those who matter to you.

Advice About Stepparent Definitions

• Recognize that you may have a negative image to fight due to our society’s associations with the word stepparent. Though not fair, it is realistic.

• Understand that most stepparents take just as much responsibility for their family and stepchildren as parents. You may not be called mom or dad, but you will probably have most of the duties of a mom or dad.

• You will probably have to help your entire family learn what a stepparent is, which is difficult because there is no single accurate definition. The definition of a stepparent is whatever you define it to be for your own family.

• Remember that you deserve to be valued for what you add to your family and your stepchildren’s lives.

• Initiate discussions about what you should be called so it is not an ongoing uncomfortable issue for you or your stepchildren.

Stages Of A Stepfamily

It’s a process!

Stepfamilies move through stages of maturity just like any other organization or relationship. There are many models that illustrate various opinions of what the stepfamily stages are, but they all outline roughly the same characteristics. Most models contain three to seven stages, and show stepfamilies moving through them in anywhere from three to nine years. These time frames are not unrealistic. It really can and does take members of a stepfamily years to become comfortable in their roles and with each other. It is important to recognize that there is a process so that you can see that your family’s struggles along the way are normal and observe your progress toward a stable and settled family. Following is an overview of a three-stage model with stages labeled orientation, action and commitment.

Stage 1: Orientation

In the orientation stage, stepfamily members often have unrealistic expectations about the roles they should play and what their lives should be like with their families. Stepchildren might have overly negative expectations, while stepparents and their partners may have overly positive ones. Everyone’s expectations will eventually receive a strong dose of reality.

With unrealistically positive expectations, potential stepparents often set themselves up for disappointment. For instance, common misconceptions might include the ideas that they will instantly love their stepchildren and that there will be no conflict with their partner’s ex spouse. When stepfather Craig was asked what went well during the first year of his marriage, he said:

The cat liked me.

Craig was joking, but he was also expressing that being a new stepparent can be very difficult.

As more time is spent in the orientation stage, family members learn what they can expect from each other, start to realize that some of their beliefs may have been unrealistic, and often feel stress. Stepparents might feel there is something wrong with them, and may believe they are not trying hard enough or just aren’t doing it right. At this point, many stepparents make superhuman efforts to be perfect or withdraw, either of which increases the stress level in the family. Sue explained:

It took a great deal of time for me to accept that I would never achieve some of my personal goals with my stepfamily and to realize it was unreasonable to have expected I would. I caused myself a lot more heartache than was necessary by refusing to give up and only trying harder to achieve what was not possible.

In this stage, many stepparents start to feel guilty as they recognize they are overwhelmed and can’t keep doing some of the things they are doing because it costs them too much personally, they don’t feel they are getting a payback or they realize their expectations of give and take were not realistic. The guilt comes from recognizing the need for change and the corresponding feeling that they will be letting other members of their family down or causing disruption to an understood, even if unsatisfying harmony. Change is always a little bit scary, even if everyone recognizes it is for the better. Eva said:

After a few years, I came to realize that my expectation that my stepchildren would be just like my own children was unrealistic. No matter how much time and energy I poured into building relationships with them and doing parenting tasks, I was never going to be in a position to get the same rewards parents got. I did not want to stop being a parent, but I wanted parenting rewards. That realization strongly solidified my desire to have a baby of my own.

In the orientation stage the adults typically become aware that change is needed in expectations or the mechanics of how the family works, though it can take a long time to come to that realization. Some may feel seeking change is an admission of defeat, but it is really only an admission of being normal and human. When the adults are willing to recognize that change is needed, the family is ready to move on to the next stage. Because a great deal of learning, testing and accepting new realities takes place, the orientation stage typically lasts one to three years.

Stage 2: Action

By the time they reach the action stage, the adult members of a step-family have accepted that the old approaches and expectations are not working and start trying different ones. If a family needs professional help, this is probably the point at which they seek it. This stage is especially difficult for stepparents, because the burden of initiating changes primarily falls on them, since they joined the family with the least defined roles and often the most unrealistic expectations.

We’ve all seen a fly bouncing off a window trying to get outside. Most flies keep trying and eventually die on the windowsill. Luckily, we are smarter than that. With the realization that some of their beliefs and expectations are not realistic, stepparents can choose to try different approaches or can decide they are not in a good situation and leave it. Most try different approaches before giving up, and often get satisfying results. Eva continued her story:

One of the hardest things I have ever done is tell my husband that I needed to have a baby of our own, after we had agreed we were not going to have more children. After talking through the issue for months we decided to have a baby. Having my own child has allowed me to more willingly and freely give to all our children, accepting the rewards I get from my stepchildren as they are and knowing that I will get the rewards of a parent from our third child. Because my needs are being met, I can give freely to all our children without resentments.

Common issues stepparents need to renegotiate include money handling, personal time, emotional support or issues related to their stepchildren. No matter how silly it might seem, if it is an important issue to you, you must