The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony

By Joshua Coleman, Ph D. and Julia M. Lewis

A clinical psychologist with a thriving family practice, Dr. Coleman sees the same situation again and again: Couples enter therapy on the verge of divorce and after several weeks find a renewed sense of joy and interest in their marriage. At last, unhappy couples now have a viable alternative to divorce. In this groundbreaking work, Dr. Joshua Coleman reveals a revolutionary new perspective on marriage and adult happiness. By suggesting simple yet practical tools to help couples "make over" their lives, Dr. Coleman has taught thousands of people how to live happily together in imperfect harmony.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Macmillan Publishers
• Release date: Apr 1, 2007
• ISBN: 9781429903035

Joshua Coleman, Ph D.

A leading expert on marriage and relationships, Dr. Coleman's advice has been featured in the New York Times, USA Today, The Chicago Tribune, Parenting Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, and many others. Dr. Coleman has served on the clinical faculties of The University of California at San Francisco/Mount Zion Hospital Medical Center and the Wright Institute Graduate School. He has been a frequent contributor to the San Francisco Chronicle and currently writes a column for Twins Magazine. He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Book preview

1

Marriage Under Pressure

Isn’t my marriage supposed to make me happy?

My husband and I barely see each other. By the time the kids are in bed we both collapse in a heap and go to sleep. When we do see each other we usually get into an argument about money, or housework, or the kids. I just don’t know what I’m getting out of all of this.

—ADRIENNE, AGE THIRTY

MARYANN * WAS A TALL, attractive woman who worked as an office manager for a San Francisco accounting firm. On the phone, she said she wanted to get into therapy to get control of her anxiety. In our first session, Maryann observed that most of her anxiety appeared to be centered around her marriage. She jokingly observed that the only time she didn’t seem to be depressed or anxious was when her husband was out of town. You’d love him if you met him, she said about her husband, Jeff, a local university professor. He's the most charming, funny person you’d ever want to meet. He knows everything about everything. Her tone revealed a hint of irritation.

As in know-it-all everything? I asked, following the irritation.

She laughed. "Definitely as in know-it-all. But also, he really does know a lot. The other night we were out to dinner with friends and somehow we ended up talking about gravity, of all things, and he starts telling the formula for how fast things fall to earth. And that's not even what he teaches.

Sounds pretty smart, I said. What's he like when he's home and not out with friends? I asked.

A tyrant! she said forcefully, as if relieved to finally say it out loud. "That's what's so confusing. Everybody thinks he's Mr. Wonderful because in public he's so charming, but at home, he's impossible. I can’t stand him." She quickly looked up as if this would offend me. I nodded as if to say that this was not something I was unaccustomed to hearing, since it's not something I’m unaccustomed to hearing.

Her eyes became teary. The other night, I cut my hand making him dinner and I cried out, it hurt so badly. I’m standing there bleeding with my hand in the sink and he starts telling me to be quiet because I’m distracting him while he's writing out some acceptance speech. I said ‘Jeff, I just cut my hand and I’m bleeding in the sink.’ He said, ‘So just run some water over it and stop bitching about it. You’re not a three-year-old, figure it out.’ It's like, if it doesn’t have to do with him or his career, he's not interested. She went on to describe him as equally uninvolved with the children.

I asked if they had considered couple's therapy and she said that he refused because he didn’t think there was anything wrong with him. "He just says that he knows more than any therapist so why should I waste his money? And of course, it's always his money even though I work full-time and have full-time responsibility for the house and kids."

Whether or not marriage is the central complaint, I strive to have a good understanding of what my individual clients’ marriages are like, who their spouses are, and why they are married to them. I wondered about Jeff as Maryann spoke. On the face of her description, he sounded pretty self-centered and difficult; I could see why she was having problems with him. On the other hand, I wondered if Maryann contributed to his attitude with her own communication or behavior. In that scenario, Jeff's self-centeredness could be an angry expression of feeling neglected and devalued by her, or it could be some other indirect complaint. A destructive style of com munication often develops in marriages where couples haven’t found a productive way to manage their hurts and differences; because they’re not direct with their complaints, a slow and steady pattern of stonewalling and sniping evolves. Before long, both are living behind an electrified fence of resentment and contempt.

Over the next few sessions, I asked Maryann about Jeff’s childhood so that I could better help her understand his psychology, and to refine my assessment of their marriage. I learned that he had grown up in a home where he was constantly coddled. He was the only child of parents who had struggled for years with infertility. When they finally had Jeff, they were so happy to have a child that they gave him whatever he demanded. His father, also a professor, idealized him but treated his mother with derision. Jeffs childhood left him feeling entitled to be given to in relationships without making an effort at