Blended Families An Anthology

By Valerie J Lewis Coleman

With divorce, single-parent households and family crises on the rise, many are experiencing the tumultuous dynamics of blended or stepfamilies. Learn biblical principles and practical tools from award-winning authors, Kevin Wayne Johnson, Vanessa Miller and Vivi Monroe Congress. Edited by Valerie J. Lewis Coleman, Blended Families An Anthology ministers to those hurting and crying out for answers

• Language: English
• Publisher: Valerie J Lewis Coleman
• Release date: Aug 12, 2010
• ISBN: 9780978606640

Valerie J Lewis Coleman

Valerie J. Lewis Coleman has helped women find relational fulfillment by identifying the four types of male hunters, avoiding seventy percent of men who only want the goody box and winning the heart of Mr. Right-For-You. She explains how she overcame struggles and offers proven techniques to help you get off the crazy cycle of relational demise in her novel The Forbidden Secrets of the Goody Box! TheGoodyBoxBook.comAs a bestselling author and award-winning publisher, Valerie has helped aspiring authors from across the world navigate the challenges of self-publishing. With over ten years of experience in the book business, this expert divulges industry secrets on avoiding the top five mistakes made by new authors, pricing your book to sell and identifying dishonest publishers. Her dynamic presentation and knowledge of the business takes writers from pen to paper to published as they master self-publishing to make money! PenOfTheWriter.com | QueenVPublishing.com

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Blended Families An Anthology

Edited and compiled by

Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

Published by

Pen of the Writer, LLC at Smashwords

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Copyright © 2006 by Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2006930539

ebook ISBN-13: 978-0-9786066-4-0

ebook ISBN-10: 0-9786066-4-7

Paperback ISBN-13: 978-0-9786066-0-2

Paperback ISBN-10: 0-9786066-0-4

Cover design by Candace K

Edited by Wendy Hart Beckman

Proofread by Lynel Johnson Washington

Praise for Blended Families An Anthology…

In her book Blended Families An Anthology, Valerie L. Coleman complies a group of outstanding short essays, life experiences and even a couple of fictional tales that fully illustrate this new family status. The anthology is not only entertaining, interesting and full of little personal wisdoms but it is also an inspirational look through the eyes of a Christian.

~ Bill McDonald, president of Military Writers Society of America

The book is a valuable resource, with a Christian emphasis, for anyone contemplating becoming a part of a blended family or already deeply involved in the process of working out these complex relationships. This anthology is poignant and practical, well articulated, and heart warming.

~ Richard, Amazon reviewer

Mrs. Coleman courageously bared her soul, revealing the pain she endured in the process of coming to terms with her own blended family. So many of these accounts reminded me of my own experience—the good and not so good. If only a book such as this had been available to me back then. It would have been so helpful and I would not have felt so alone.

~ Louise Landeta for Reader Views

This is an eye-opening book that could serve as a resource for pastors, ministers, and laypersons. Blended Families An Anthology is heartwarming and inspiring, as it showcases the obstacles and triumphs that often occur when separate but equal families become one.

~ aNN of The RAWSISTAZ Reviewers

Table of Contents

A Wiser Man by Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

Nothing New Under the Sun by Dr. Vivi Monroe Congress

Daddy — What a Precious Word! by Kevin Wayne Johnson

Keeping It Simple by Veronica Grabill

Reconnaissance Mission by Rita Smith, written by Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

United We Stand by Lisa Vaughn

Peace Be Still by Carolyn Carnegie

Covenant Keepers by Craig Coleman, Sr.

His Number One Girl by Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

A Threefold Cord Is Not Easily Broken by Wendy E. Hayes

Before You Begin by Joy Lewis

The Check for $3.96 by Sonya Visor

A Gentlemen’s Agreement — The Unspoken Pact by Wade Harper

The Daddy of Them All by Idrissa Uqdah

My Baby’s Daddy by Deborah Ogletree

The Invisible Mom by Gwendolyn Cox

Money by Joshua Johnson, CFP®, RFC

Mojitos Before 4 by Wendy Hart Beckman

The Honeymoon is Over — His Perspective by Craig Coleman, Sr.

One Bite at a Time — Her Perspective by Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

My Dog by Lucinda Greene

Two Children, No Mother; Tag, You’re It by Antwonette Caddell

The Years Sown in Tears by Karen M. Johnson

Home for the Holidays by Benjamin Hicks

Daddy’s Girls by Michelle Larks

Daddy’s Girls — A Clinical Case Study by Brenda McKinney, M. S., L. S. W, written by Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

Remember Me by Vanessa Miller

As the Sands of the Sea by Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

Reflections

About Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

About the Contributors

About Pen of the Writer

Introduction

For thirteen years, I struggled to parent five children from three different households. I instilled respect into my two biological sons and assumed the same respect would be honored by my husband’s children. At times, the frustration overwhelmed me. Without the support of family and friends, my marriage would have failed.

After sharing our experience, I decided to compile this book to provide practical tools and biblical principles to successfully blend families. This anthology is composed of personal essays and three fictional accounts. Since blended families are prevalent throughout the Word, two of the fiction stories are based on biblical families. I chose the abstract cover design to depict family relationships by bloodline and blending.

I now realize that I was set-up from the beginning. All of my heartaches, frustrations and sleepless nights were the labor pangs required to birth this book. The struggle revealed things in me that were not pleasing to God and in the process developed my character. Like the woman with the issue of blood, I have touched the hem of His garment and been made whole. I pray that this book ministers to you and your family, as it did ours.

Blessings,

Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

A Wiser Man

By Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

A wise man learns from his own mistakes.

A wiser man learns from the mistakes of others.

~Proverbs 1:5; 9:9

Fast approaching thirty years old I knew all the statistics about the availability of eligible bachelors. So I sought the Lord for a husband. I made my requests known to Him, family and friends. I figured that if two, three or fifty people touched and agreed, the Lord was sure to give me the desire of my heart.

"Lord, I acknowledge You as the head of my life. You set the sun and stars in the sky. You put the earth in motion. You are great, kind and merciful. You are awesome. Your ways are faithful, honorable, holy and righteous. Your grace is sufficient. Father, You are my source and my sustainer. You are my peace and my joy.

Now Lord, You already know what I’m about to ask. Please, send my husband. I need a man that will serve You with all of his heart. I need him to love my boys and me unconditionally. You said that the man that does not work does not eat, so I need a man with a job. And Father, to be sure that I recognize him, let him have kids too. I want to see how he interacts with them to make sure that he’ll be good to Lamarr and LaShawn. In the matchless name of Your precious Son. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

Just as I asked, the Lord blessed me with an awesome man. He came to my front door, the friend of a friend. My niece, Aisha, had spent a couple of days with me. When her father, Eddie, came to take her home, he brought his friend, Craig Coleman, with him. An hour earlier, two of my girlfriends had stopped by for a visit. Engaged in our conversation, I didn’t pay Mr. Coleman any attention. While Eddie got Aisha’s overnight bags ready, Craig sat quiet in the family room. Ten minutes afterward, I kissed my niece and the trio departed.

A week later, I spoke on the phone with a good friend and prayer partner. Barb, girl, the Lord has somebody for both of us.

I know He does. We are His children and He has nothing but good thoughts and plans for our lives.

Hey, you want to go on another three-day fast?

Yeah, we need to get back in His face and the—, the call waiting tone interrupted.

Hold on, Barb. I’ve got a call coming in on the other line. I clicked over. Hello?

Hello. May I speak to Valerie? The sexy voice caught my attention.

Speaking.

Hi, Valerie. This is Craig. You remember me, right? We met the other day.

Craig? My eyes rolled up as I tried to remember meeting a Craig. I’m sorry, but can you jog my memory?

I came to your house the other day with Eddie, Aisha’s dad.

Oh, hold on for a second. I clicked back to Barb. Girl, let me let you go. I got a man on the other line, and I didn’t give him my number. I’ll call you later. Bye.

The next week, Craig cooked dinner for the boys and me. He bought all the groceries and prepared a succulent steak and potato meal. Needless to say, the courtship ensued.

He filled my emotional love tank with his acts of service, affirming words and gentleness. He lavished me with flowers, candy and shopping money. He worked hard and played harder. He had a beautiful daughter and a cute miniature replication son. We spent quality time together as one big happy family. Hooked.

We met in August. He asked me to be his girlfriend in September. He proposed in October. I accepted in November (it took a few weeks to get my custom-made engagement ring).

With wedding plans underway, the problem solver in me kicked into high gear. To ease my mind, I quizzed my fiancé.

Okay, now how much is your monthly child support?

I’m paying $350 a month, but only $50 of it is actually support. The rest is arrearage.

Yeah, I know about that back child support. Lamarr and LaShawn’s father is about twelve grand in the hole. At $2,500, the delinquency was added to his credit report. I hoped it would jump start the payments, but it didn’t. I offered him a glass of lemonade. How did you end up with an arrearage?

With the ex sick and on welfare, she had to make a choice. Either have the county pick up her medical expenses, get food stamps and a small monthly stipend or get reduced medical coverage and court-ordered support from me. The food stamps and stipend weren’t enough for her and the kids, but she really needed the insurance. So together we decided that she would take the full insurance and not file for child support. Instead, I gave her money directly. I thought that I’d be doing her and the kids a favor.

Sounds right to me. Why should it matter that you paid her or the agency? The money is going to the same family.

Well, it made a big difference to the agency. After her treatments were over, she filed for support as we had agreed. The agency expected me to offset the taxpayer expense and they requested back support for those three years. I ended up owing $6,700.

How much?

Uh, he hesitated to reply. A little more than $6,000. I kept all the money order stubs and cancelled checks as proof of payment. But when I contacted the agency, the case worker told me that unless the ex would admit to receiving government assistance and money from me, I didn’t have a case.

Why is that?

Because that constitutes welfare fraud and she’d have to pay it all back. She’ll never admit to getting the money.

So where do we go from here?

The money I paid to her directly is considered a gift, so I have to pay the arrearage.

"So basically, we have to pay twice."

Yeah.

Wow. I noticed the concern that crawled onto Craig’s face. It’s okay, babe. At $300 a month, the arrearage will be paid off in about two years. With that matter resolved, I posed my next question. Now what about bills? Do you have anything outstanding that we need to work through?

Other than my car payment, I don’t have any bills.

Great. I expelled a sigh of relief. Now where are your divorce papers? I loved this man and wanted to be sure that when I said, I do, I’d be his only wife. I’ve never been much for sharing men and besides, polygamy is a crime.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two months before the wedding, Craig received a letter from the Child Support Enforcement Agency (CSEA). He came by the house to share the not-so-good news.

Hey, Beautiful, my husband said as he landed a big fat wet one on me.

Hey, Handsome. How was your day?

It was okay, until I picked up the mail.

What’s wrong? He dropped his head and handed me an open letter. The devil! I plopped onto the couch. I thought the $300 was taking care of the arrearage. Why did they seize your income tax return?

They seize any lump-sum payment or bonus when the arrearage is more than $500. The agency is linked directly with the IRS and my employer. He paused. I am so sorry.

Well, there goes our honeymoon. The balance is due in two weeks and I’ve wiped out everything for the wedding. I stood and walked into the kitchen. Nothing we can do about it now.

After our July ceremony, we tried to settle into a life of normalcy. We received another letter from the CSEA. In our county, if the custodial parent is on government assistance, the case is reviewed every three years. Craig had to submit tax forms for the last three years, proof of residency and four recent pay stubs. A few weeks later, we got another letter. The monthly support was being adjusted. As an engineer, I thrive on facts. Since all the legal mumbo jumbo on the documents had my head swimming, we had to consult an attorney. Five-hundred-dollar retainer. Although I did not care for the situation, I learned a lot about the system.

In reviewing your records, I see that your monthly payment includes $50 for arrearage and another —

No ma’am. I interjected. The monthly support is $50. The rest is for arrearage.

Well, let me look again. She flipped through the papers and tapped her Cross pen on the desk. No, actually the support is $300 and they want to increase it by fifty percent. With the increase and the $50 arrearage, your monthly support will be $500.

Gulp. So, you’re telling me that instead of $50 a month for the next thirteen years, our payment is $500? Now, I believe with all my heart that a man that fathers a child is responsible for the emotional and financial need of that child. And the Bible states it quite clearly in I Timothy 5:8, but it just wasn’t fair. We had all this money going out and couldn’t get a dime from my boys’ biological father. And believe me, I tried. His occupation as a clergy made it difficult to garnish his wages. Bummer.

Well, there’s also a monthly fee assessed by the agency for handling the account. She saw the worry etched on my face. It’s only two percent. She pulled a document out of the massive stack. Hmm. This is peculiar.

What now? Craig asked.

The agency is giving you the option to carry insurance for the children or allow the county to pick it up. If you choose to carry the insurance, they’ll reduce the monthly support by your increase in premium. Do you know how much that would be?

About $30, I said without hesitation. I had just completed the insurance enrollment process. So the net effect is zero. The premium goes up by $30 and the support goes down by $30.

Exactly, the attorney said.

As the Coleman money manager, I needed all the specifics. Now let me ask you this, who handles deductibles and co-pays?

Well, since she’s on welfare, she’s only responsible for the first $100 per year. You’d be responsible for the rest.

So if she decided to get braces for the kids, we’d have to pay any outstanding balances?

That’s right.

Even if the insurance only covered one-fourth?

Uh-huh.

We’ll go with the county plan, Craig and I said in unison.

With fifteen minutes left in our session, I asked for an explanation of support calculations. What happens with the support amount if the ex goes back to work? It’ll go down, right?

Actually, just the opposite. The support is calculated based on the total income of the biological parents. Let’s say, for example, that your husband earned $70,000 per year and his ex-wife earned $30,000. Their total combined income is $100,000. The agency uses a factor to determine the child’s standard of living based on the total income. We’ll estimate it at $20,000.

Okay, so far I’m with you.

Good. She turned the computer monitor around, so that we could read the screen. Now at $20,000 annual assistance for the children, Craig would be responsible for seventy percent.

Because I made seventy percent of the total income?

Yes. That equates to $14,000 per year. The remaining $6,000 is the thirty percent that your ex-wife would be responsible to handle. She spun the screen back around. So, if you get paid every week, the $14,000 is divided by 52 weeks to get your weekly support. The agency would garnish your pay check by about $269 a week.

Plus the two percent fee, I added.

You’ve got it. The agency will deduct the court-ordered support from your paycheck until the child is emancipated.

Emancipated? Details. I need details.

Basically, you will pay the support until the kids graduate from high school, drop out of school or reach eighteen years old.

What if the arrearage is not paid off at the time of emancipation?

Arrearages are not dismissed with emancipation. That money will continue to be deducted until it’s paid in full. But if you have a significant drop in income, you can request a decrease in support.

One of my college friends lives in Michigan. I said, as I shifted in the plush leather chair. She told me that when her husband’s ex-girlfriend filed for child support, they included her income too. Is that right?

Possibly. Each state has laws that govern the family courts and child support calculations. She shut down the computer and stuffed papers in her brief case. Hate to run, but I’ve got a court appearance in fifteen minutes. Please stop by the receptionist’s desk to settle your account. I’ll see you in a few weeks. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.

Just as we finalized the local order of support, we received another notice. After six months of long-distance phone calls and another $500 for legal representation, our total outgoing monthly support increased to almost $800. And still nothing coming in from the clergy.

When all was said and done, we were left with just enough money to keep the payment on Craig’s Toyota Corolla current. Not at all what we had discussed or planned. As a single mother, I had struggled for twelve years to provide for my boys. I had hoped to have a release from some of my financial burden, but that didn’t happen.

Prior to our relationship, Craig and I had both filed bankruptcy. My situation resulted from ignorance. I co-signed for a car loan without understanding the impact if the payments were not made. So to avoid the bank forcing me into foreclosure, I filed Chapter 13 to keep a roof over my babies’ heads.

Craig was in the military when he divorced. He had just been called out to the Gulf War in Iraq. Given his distance from the soon-to-be ex-wife, he was advised to file bankruptcy to protect his assets. Good advice.

A few months into our marriage, we received a barrage of delinquent notices.