The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around

By Terry Gaspard

The 10 Keys to a Successful Remarriage

Winner of the 2022 Independent Publisher Book Award in Gold for Self Help  
Winner of American Book Fest’s 2020 Best Book Award in “Self-Help: Relationships”

Based on the author’s personal experience, over 30 years of clinical practice, knowledge from leading marriage and remarriage researchers, and 100 in-depth interviews of remarried people, The Remarriage Manual offers 10 essential keys to a successful remarriage:
 

1. Build a Culture of Appreciation, Respect, and Tolerance. Negativity is toxic. Personal growth and love are possible when you can express appreciation through positive words and actions.
2. Make Your Remarriage a Top Priority. Never underestimate the power of intentional time with your partner to increase physical and emotional intimacy.
3. Ditch the Baggage from Your First Marriage. Learn ways to be more reflective and less reactive to triggers that hit raw spots or vulnerabilities stemming from prior relationships.
4. Don’t Keep Secrets about Money. Remarried couples face complicated financial issues such as unequal assets, child support, alimony, and education costs for children and stepchildren. Honesty and full disclosure about finances are essential.
5. Don’t Let Mistrust Stop You from Being Vulnerable and Emotionally Intimate. Learn that vulnerability and trust go hand in hand and the steps you can take to be authentic and intimate with your partner so you can achieve long-lasting love.
6. Get Sexy and Fall in Love All Over Again. Given the stressors of a second marriage, it can be particularly challenging to stay sexually intimate. Yet moments of connection, such as touching, talking, or making love, are all part of the glue that holds a second marriage together.
7. Don’t Make a Big Deal about Nothing . . . but Do Deal with Important Issues. Differences in beliefs, expectations, and conversational styles can cause you to blow things out of proportion and tune each other out. Effective communication will help you overcome these types of misunderstandings.
8. Manage the Flames of Conflict. You can’t avoid disagreements entirely. What you can do, however, is learn how to manage them successfully to avoid the “blame game” so that they can nourish rather than drain your remarriage.
9. Embrace Your Role as a Stepparent and Create Positive Stepfamily Memories. There is no such thing as instant love in a stepfamily. When biological parents are involved, the relationships can get even trickier. Learn to adjust to your role as a stepparent—the chances of a second marriage succeeding go way up when both partners adopt an attitude of “we’re in this together.”
10. Say You’re Sorry and Mean It. Studies show that apologizing to your partner for hurting their feelings and granting forgiveness are crucial to the success of a second marriage. It’s essential that remarried couples learn the value of sincere apologies and forgiveness.

 
Drawing on the experiences of dozens of couples and remarriage scenarios, Terry Gaspard shows you how to bring each key home and set up your relationship for lasting success.
 
Whether you are thinking of remarrying and concerned about going the distance or are already remarried and struggling, The Remarriage Manual provides the expert advice, practical tools, hope, and inspiration you need to prevent challenges from becoming deal breakers. The 10 keys provided here will help put you and your spouse on solid footing; keep the flame between you burning bright; and build a deeply trusting, loving, and sustainable connection for the long haul.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sounds True
• Release date: Feb 18, 2020
• ISBN: 9781683644088

Terry Gaspard

TERRY GASPARD, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, researcher and acclaimed divorce expert with over thirty years of experience working with women, children of divorce, and their families. Her research has been published in The Journal of Divorce and Remarriage and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, DivorcedMoms.com and other outlets. Her writing has appeared on eharmony.com, TheDailyParent.com, and others.

Book preview

To my husband, Craig, and my children,

Sean, Tracy, and Catherine,

who have given me the love, courage,

and inspiration to write this book.

Contents

Author’s Note

INTRODUCTIONAn Opportunity to Start Fresh

CHAPTER 1Build a Culture of Appreciation, Respect, and Tolerance

CHAPTER 2Make Your Remarriage a Top Priority

CHAPTER 3Ditch the Baggage from Your First Marriage

CHAPTER 4Don’t Keep Secrets about Money

CHAPTER 5Don’t Let Mistrust Stop You from Being Vulnerable and Intimate

CHAPTER 6Get Sexy and Fall in Love All Over Again

CHAPTER 7Don’t Make a Big Deal about Nothing . . . But Do Deal with Important Issues

CHAPTER 8Manage the Flames of Conflict

CHAPTER 9Embrace Your Role as a Stepparent and Create Positive Stepfamily Memories

CHAPTER 10Say You’re Sorry and Mean It

Acknowledgments

Notes

Recommended Reading List

Index

About the Author

Also by Terry Gaspard

About Sounds True

Copyright

Praise for The Remarriage Manual

Author’s Note

my interest in studying remarriage and stepfamily life began with my own experience, because I was raised in a blended family consisting of three older sisters and a younger stepbrother. My passion for this topic grew after my own divorce in 1995, and my remarriage two years later. After watching my father and stepmother navigate the challenges of a second marriage successfully for over three decades, I assumed that I was well prepared. But after going through a tough period in my own remarriage, it became obvious to me that experience isn’t always the best predictor of success in marriage. As a result, I began paying more attention to the issues that the remarried couples in my practice face and looked for books and resources to support them, so they could establish healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationships. Unfortunately, the books I found were either outdated or focused on issues with stepchildren rather than giving remarried couples practical tools to help them thrive.

When I decided to write this book, I supplemented my clinical and personal experience by interviewing dozens of remarried couples who I approached through my practice, website, and referrals from colleagues. Over a period of three years, I interviewed a hundred couples who had been divorced at least once, and at least one partner had been married at least twice. The average age of participants was 43. These interviews formed the basis for The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around.

The couples quoted in the following pages were participants in that study, and the stories told here are profiles and composites based on real people. However, names and details have been changed to protect their privacy. Details about the locations of the interviews were altered in some cases as well, for the participants’ protection.

Please note that this book is not meant to replace professional individual or couples therapy. Rather, it is intended to offer an in-depth chronicle of the joys and struggles of remarriage and stepfamily life and to provide concrete ways to improve and strengthen family relationships. For simplicity, the word stepfamily is often used in the book to denote both stepfamilies and blended families. In the end, it is my hope that couples reading this book will learn how to be present for each other, so they can heal from past relationships and create a truly loving and intimate bond that will endure the test of time.

Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

Introduction

An Opportunity to Start Fresh

when couples begin a remarriage, the most frequent mistake they make is expecting that everything will fall into place and run on automatic. Love may be sweeter the second or third time around, but once the bliss of a newfound relationship wears off, the reality of joining two distinct worlds sets in. Different routines and parenting styles; financial issues; legal matters; relationships with ex-spouses, children, and stepchildren — all of this can chisel away at the closeness of the remarried couple. If you haven’t established a strong connection and are unprepared to deal effectively with conflict and lack the tools to repair daily breakdowns in communication, you may end up pointing fingers at each other rather than being supportive.

For instance, Conner, 49, and Tara, 48, remarried for six years, take seats on opposite ends of the couch during their first counseling session with me. When I ask them about some of the challenges they’ve faced in their second marriage, Conner clarifies why he feels frustrated with Tara. He also explains that he still loves Tara very much and hopes that our meetings will shed some light on how to get back to feeling good about their marriage.

Conner speaks directly to Tara and puts it like this: You seem to forget that I have to work long hours to keep us afloat. Since Michael was born three years ago, our budget is really tight. Of course I love all of the kids, but they’re expensive. And I wish you’d stop comparing me to your ex. I know he betrayed you financially, but it doesn’t seem like you’re ever going to get over it.

Tara responds, That’s the problem. Our relationship always comes last. You don’t think we have a problem even though I keep telling you how lonely I am. We haven’t spent time together in over a month. It seems like you’re always working, just like Gary did, and never have time for me and our family.

What is at the heart of this couple’s disagreement? Like most remarried couples, they aren’t really arguing about how often they have candlelit dinners. They’re feeling emotionally disconnected and that has created conflict. Similarly, most of the couples I interviewed for this book were looking to restore intimacy in their relationship but didn’t know where to begin. They were longing to rekindle the passion and emotional connection of their early days together, before the stressors of remarried life set in. One thing is certain: you can’t return to the glory days. But you can most definitely learn to cherish each other again. This starts with intentionally choosing each other daily (more on this as we continue) and letting go of the expectation of a perfect partner who will meet all your needs!

HOW THIS BOOK CAME TO BE

At the age of 42, I endured a high-conflict divorce and two years later married the love of my life. I was hopeful and optimistic about marrying Craig, confident we were more emotionally and sexually compatible than I had been with my ex and better aligned in our values and aspirations. Life had certainly thrown me some curveballs before I met my second husband, but I still believed in marriage. He swept me right off my feet and proposed four months after we started dating. It would be a second marriage for both of us. He had been married and divorced ten years earlier and had no children. I had two children, ages 9 and 11, from my previous marriage. It may sound surprising, but Craig wanted to be a stepparent, and right away we also discussed having a child together. Having a new baby and starting a stepfamily made the first several years of our marriage busy and exciting.

Eight years in, our marriage was on shaky ground. We were dealing with myriad issues common to remarriage, including co-parenting with a former spouse, unresolved emotional baggage from our first marriages, financial stress, and different parenting styles. We were also dealing with jealousy, anger, and resentment around the competing needs of children and stepchildren and the expectations of in-laws. I assumed we would be one big happy family, but Craig still often felt like an outsider with my two biological children, and we hadn’t truly learned how to nurture our intimate relationship.

We argued frequently, and for many years we were unable to understand the complex dynamics unfolding before us and support each other as loving, devoted partners. We drifted so far apart that we discussed separating. Thankfully we found an excellent marriage counselor and began healing. It took time, but we fell back in love and have learned to accept each other’s differences, work through conflict, and repair our relationship after a dispute. We’ve been remarried twenty-two years and couldn’t be happier.

Sadly, we’re the exception.

According to experts, even though the majority of divorced people will eventually remarry, most of these marriages will fail due to the difficulties that remarried couples face building a relationship while adjusting to, and combining, existing families and complex relationship histories. Few couples understand at the outset how complicated and demanding remarriage is.

WHAT YOU’LL FIND HERE

If you’ve been looking for resources on remarriage, you’ve undoubtedly noticed that conventional books about marriage simply don’t address the unique situations remarried couples face, and the current books available on remarriage tend to focus more on stepfamilies than on the remarriage itself. Many also take a religious view.

I wrote this book to fill a major gap in the literature. I can help set you up for a successful remarriage and/or bring back the joy if your remarriage has started to falter. The statistics work against you, but I am here to tell you that with intention and effort, you can make your remarriage work. It will take energy and determination, and I’ll be here to support you.

In The Remarriage Manual, you’ll find all kinds of stories about the problems remarried couples encounter, as well as solutions that work. I feature thirty-one couples who, like Tara and Conner, experience different degrees of emotional disconnection and trust issues. Reading about their struggles and triumphs, you’ll be able to examine your own relationship and learn how emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage is the absolute key to success. It is a means of expressing the profound love you feel for your spouse. When I use the word intimacy, I’m talking about a powerful expression of love infused with emotion (caring, empathy, excitement, pleasure), which allows partners to experience a deep sense of connection. This kind of bond cannot be taken for granted, and it doesn’t just happen. It takes daily tending, and occasionally it takes some work.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

The Remarriage Manual looks at the ten challenges I see most often among remarried couples. Along with poignant real-life stories, I offer exercises with clear action steps specifically designed to be put to use immediately. Ideally this book should be read with your partner. However, you can benefit from reading it alone if you implement strategies and have your partner’s support. Throughout the pages of this book, I use the word remarried to mean couples who were married to other people and are now married to each other. Sometimes reading the chapters and doing exercises will feel enjoyable and other times it will feel like pulling teeth.

The first chapter in our remarriage journey is about building a culture of respect, appreciation, and tolerance in your family through loving words and actions. The diagnostic tool in this chapter can help you assess your own and your spouse’s strengths and weaknesses and points you to other chapters that address your areas of need. In chapter 2, you’ll learn the action steps needed to make your remarriage a top priority, so you can beat the odds of divorce. Chapter 3 will offer tools, powerful real-life stories, and proven strategies to help you heal from emotional baggage and begin to love your partner in the here and now.

In chapter 4, we’ll focus on the importance of being transparent and not keeping secrets about money, so you can have honesty, integrity, and financial security. Chapter 5 will help you overcome the trust issues that may be stopping you from being vulnerable and intimate with your partner. In chapter 6, you’ll learn how to put your inhibitions aside and uncover the pleasures of a dynamic sex life by fostering emotional and sexual intimacy. You’ll discover some of the common reasons why couples stop enjoying passionate sex such as the pursuer-distancer dynamic.

Chapters 7 and 8 will illustrate the dos and don’ts you’ll need to communicate more effectively, curb defensiveness, and manage and recover from conflict through potent action steps. In chapter 9, you’ll learn what you need to do to support each other in your newly created family. You read that right! You can adopt strategies that embody the mind-set of we’re in this together, so your children cannot divide and conquer. Embracing the role of a stepparent is one of the major challenges of remarried couples. The good news is that you can actually begin to create positive family memories and develop a stepfamily legacy right away with some wise planning of enjoyable activities and quality time together.

Finally, chapter 10 will show you the importance of apologizing and granting each other forgiveness so you don’t harbor resentments that can pull you apart. Learning the best ways to offer your partner a sincere apology and ways to avoid ruining an apology will help you rid yourself of the toxic hurt feelings that hold you and your partner back from being vulnerable, connected, and emotionally and sexually intimate.

Whether you’re thinking of remarrying and concerned about going the distance or you’re already remarried and struggling, this book will provide the expert advice, practical tools, hope, and inspiration you need to build — or repair — a strong relationship foundation, avoid the most common mistakes remarrying couples make, and prevent challenges from becoming deal breakers. It will show you why it’s so important to focus on cherishing and accepting each other rather than trying to change each other. The steps described in each chapter will help you and your partner create a shared vision for your remarriage, foster emotional closeness, and know how to recover quickly from hurt and miscommunication.

If you show up and do the work, you’ll create a deeply trusting, loving, and sustainable relationship.

I actually never envisioned getting married again and was pleasantly surprised by the love I felt for Calvin and his willingness to take on me and my three kids. TAMARA, AGE 42

1

Build a Culture of Appreciation, Respect, and Tolerance

for many remarried individuals, coming out of an unhappy or adversarial marriage and going through a divorce makes them wiser and better able to appreciate a new partner who is cut from a different cloth from their ex-spouse. People will consciously pick a second husband or wife who shares their views of family, values, interests, and even their sense of humor. This intentional action can help set the stage for a culture in which family members appreciate each other for their unique qualities, enabling them to be less critical and defensive when conflicts arise. This is true for me and my husband, Craig. We met in our early forties and felt strongly that we wanted to carve out a marriage based on mutual respect and shared meaning rather than obligation and unrealistic expectations. For example, we share a love of the outdoors and community service and find great pleasure in gardening, hiking, and fundraising for nonprofit organizations. In contrast, my first husband and I realized early on that we were not compatible and didn’t share the same interests or vision for the future, so we led separate lives. Our dream to create a loving home for our two children wasn’t realistic because our emotional sensitivities, values, and personalities collided. After seventeen years, it became apparent that our attempts to change each other weren’t working and that our irreconcilable differences had taken a toll on our once loving marriage.

Making a commitment to trust and appreciate Craig has strengthened my second marriage. My relationship with him is based on the premise that we choose each other every day, and we’re dedicated to making time together a priority and treasuring it. No matter how hectic and busy our lives are, we never stop being curious about each other, and we strongly believe that lasting love requires nurturing. We adore our children and families more than words can say, but we love spending time together — to laugh, share, hang out, and cherish each other. We’re true partners.

This is also the case for Erin and Ron, a remarried couple in their late forties who agreed to meet with me in their home for an interview. Theirs is an unusual love story filled with passion and longing. Erin cheerfully explains their romantic relationship in both high school and college, their subsequent marriages and divorces to others, and their unlikely, magical reunion.

Erin reflects, It was amazing to find Ron over social media and to see that he was available after not seeing each other for almost twenty-five years. We were childhood sweethearts who went our separate ways in college, and then I found out online that he had moved home after his divorce. We had been living very different lives, had four kids between us, but the spark was still there.

After connecting over social media, Ron took a leap of faith and asked Erin for her phone number. It didn’t take them long to rekindle their passion and realize that their friendship was still strong. After several months of dating, Erin and Ron felt confident that they were ready to make a commitment and say I do for a second time. Their seaside wedding took place with all four of their children and a gathering of over one hundred family and friends, there to celebrate Erin and Ron’s belief in a remarriage based on acceptance, respect, and a profound understanding of each other.

Erin reflects on the difference between her first and second marriage: It was a long time coming. I knew in my first marriage, right after having our first child, that we should part. But it took many years for me to convince my then-husband that we should divorce. In my first marriage, almost none of my needs were being met. But in this marriage, almost all of my needs are being met. And if we have an issue, we talk about it. With Ron, we’re equals with work, responsibilities, emotional availability, and all other aspects. We are pals.

Many remarrying couples realize that they want a partnership marriage that will allow both people to develop and live in a conscious way that’s respectful and not bound by traditions or outdated models. Both Erin and Ron describe their first marriages as high conflict, unsupportive, and lacking in acceptance and tolerance. In contrast, Erin and Ron work together as a team to support each other and view their relationship as something that’s greater than either one of them.

Taking time to reflect on your first marriage can allow you to go into your second one with your eyes wide open and to appreciate each other for what you bring to the union, including love, passion, emotional baggage, children, relationships with ex-spouses and in-laws, and financial obligations. You no longer have unrealistic expectations of a perfect partner who will meet all of your needs because you realize we all have flaws. Instead, the two of you have each other’s back, and rather than throwing each other under the bus when you’re faced with difficulties, you face them together. For instance, one of Erin and Ron’s biggest challenges has been co-parenting with Erin’s ex-husband, Mark, who lives a few blocks away and plays an active role in raising their sons. It would have been easy for Ron to criticize Erin for giving in too much to Mark when he requested that their younger son, Cole, spend more time at his house. However, Ron chose to support Erin and saw her attempts to compromise with Mark as a way to encourage cooperation.

Navigating day-to-day life in their stepfamily was a struggle for Ron and Erin during their first year of marriage. In the beginning, Erin’s two sons — Cole, 13, and Tommy, 15 — were reluctant to accept a stepfather, a position influenced by their father’s complaints about them spending too much time with Ron. Erin and Ron also had financial stress because Ron had difficulty selling his home in another state and they had to wait to purchase a home big enough for all four of them as well as Ron’s two children who are in college and visit during the summer and during school vacations. However, Erin and Ron have weathered the storms of raising her two sons in a stepfamily, including communicating effectively with her ex-husband, and their romantic love and friendship have stayed strong.

Erin smiles and explains, We appreciate each other every day and let each other know it! My appreciation for Ron comes from a place of admiring him for the way he treats [people], and his hobbies revolve around serving others. No one is perfect, and we have our ups and downs. Mark and I had little respect for each other in [our] marriage, and that’s not an issue with my [marriage with Ron]. Mark made me feel that he never signed up for the kind of equal marriage that I wanted, so we argued a lot. Ron and I are on the same page and we’re growing together.

COMBINING TWO DISTINCT WORLDS

Unlike couples in first-time marriages, or couples who grew up together like Erin and Ron, when people marry for the second time, they usually don’t have the luxury of getting to know each other over an extended period of time. A remarried couple’s courtship is often speeded up due to factors such as the age of the couple, loneliness, and eagerness to become a stepfamily — with all of its joys and challenges.

One couple I met with, Tamara and Calvin, said their courtship had a good deal of momentum and then they were blindsided by trust issues that surfaced for Tamara after they had been married a few years. Both in their early forties, they met through mutual friends and dated for only one year before getting engaged. Tamara was a single mom with two daughters and a son, and Calvin didn’t have children. During their early courtship, Calvin made it clear that he wanted to speed up things so they could do their best to have a child of their own. Tamara was pleased that Calvin was eager to take on the role of stepparent because she found being a single mom daunting.

Tamara is a successful architect and enjoys spending time with her extended family. She was happy to accept the prospect of having another child in her early forties because she loves children and fell hard for Calvin, an accomplished musician and licensed massage therapist. They spent endless hours discussing the prospect of sharing household responsibilities and taking care of the children without considering other potential obstacles, such as the time constraints and the financial pressures of starting a new family and blending a younger child — their mutual child — with teenagers.

Tamara explains their mutual attraction and reason for getting married quickly: It was instant magnetism when we met. Calvin is very strong, yet charming and sensitive. My kids loved him right away, and I could easily envision adding another child to our household. Besides, my kids were teenagers and so a much younger half sibling appealed to them. My son, who was thirteen at the time, hoped for a baby brother, and my girls were in their midteens and loved to babysit.

After dating for a year and being engaged only six months, Tamara and Calvin tied the knot and began the process of forming a new family. Meanwhile, Tamara set her sights on getting pregnant at the age of 42 and surprised everyone when she became pregnant with twins after only four months of marriage.

While most family members settled into a routine after a few months, Tamara experienced a difficult adjustment. She’d been accustomed to being a single parent and now felt the weight of Calvin’s expectations for a substantial dinner most nights, the exhaustion of being pregnant with twins, and the complexities of helping