The Atlantic

Dear Therapist: Having a Blended Family Is Causing a Lot of Problems

I’m struggling to connect with my soon-to-be stepkids, and it’s harming the household dynamic.

Editor’s Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.

Dear Therapist,

My fiancé and partner of eight years has two teenage boys from his first marriage (ages 13 and 15). We have only lived together for a couple of years. They appear to be typical kids—hate school, don’t read, not that interested in anything but soccer and video games. This has made it hard for me to get to know them, mostly because I don’t know how to talk with them.

My fiancé is a pretty laid-back dad with lax rules. The kids are not expected to care for the pets, clean their rooms (ever), keep track of their belongings, feed themselves, or spend any of their time at our house doing something other than video games. Our house is usually a mess when they are over and I try to tolerate it without becoming the

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