Without This Ring: A Woman's Guide to Successfully Living Through and Beyond Midlife Divorce

By Abby Rodman, LICSW

Midlife divorce is skyrocketing and women are initiating divorce in higher numbers than ever before in history. Psychotherapist and relationship expert Abby Rodman surveyed hundreds of women who divorced in midlife to find out the whys, whats and hows of their experiences. Packed with personal stories, fascinating statistics, helpful checklists, expert advice and practical tips, Without This Ring is a necessary and critical read at any stage of midlife divorce — whether you're just starting to consider it or you've already come out the other side. Abby Rodman is a psychotherapist, blogger, and Amazon bestselling author who has successfully lived through and beyond her own midlife divorce. She has appeared on the Today Show, HuffPost Live, and is regularly sought out by major media outlets for her expertise on relationship and parenting issues. Her podcast, Relationships with Abby Rodman, can be downloaded on iTunes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Nov 14, 2014
• ISBN: 9781312667105

Book preview

Without This Ring

A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SUCCESSFULLY LIVING

THROUGH AND BEYOND MIDLIFE DIVORCE

ABBY RODMAN, LICSW

Copyright © 2014 Abby Rodman, LICSW.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-3125-9402-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-3126-6710-5 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Every effort has been made to protect the privacy of individuals in the writing of this book. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a trained professional should be sought. Any application of the material in the following pages is at the reader’s discretion and sole responsibility.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 11/05/2014

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all people — no matter their age or gender — who have divorced, survived it, and moved on to new lives. Their strength and resilience in the face of overwhelming pressures and heartache — and their bravery — continues to awe and inspire me both personally and professionally. And my heartfelt gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful women who completed my midlife divorce survey. Your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable humbled me.

GMV

For guiding me back to love.

MCR, BSR and JHR

Everything is nothing without you.

MJV and WMV

Siempre estoy aquí para ti.

JAH

For knowing.

Wise Words

So many people prefer to live in drama because it’s comfortable. It’s like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it’s actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.

—Ellen DeGeneres

Be prepared! Your life will never be the same again, and that may be a good thing! Be prepared to support yourself (and your kids) financially. Be prepared to be a single parent. Be prepared to feel overwhelmed. It’s not all negative, though. It can be a time of awakening for you! Be prepared to feel free. Be prepared to feel beautiful. Be prepared to feel powerful!

—Survey respondent

It’s one of my theories that when people give advice, they’re really just talking to themselves in the past.

—Austin Kleon

Introduction

Why This Book?

Want divorce in midlife?

Of course you don’t. You never did and maybe you’re shaking your head in disbelief that you’re even considering it. Perhaps you’re in your 40s or 50s and wondering how you could be considering such an enormous change with more of your life behind you than, perhaps, ahead of you.

So, what is this thing — perhaps unattractively — called gray divorce? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. The gray part refers to the graying of our hair as we get older. And we gray folk are getting separated and divorced in numbers more significant than ever before. The divorce rate among people 50 and older has doubled since 1990. According to the New York Times, that’s especially significant since half the married population in the US is over 50.

And, according to a 2004 AARP survey, 66 percent of gray divorces are initiated by women. The reasons for that are many but, suffice it to say, women have more options these days. They work outside the home and aren’t reliant on their partners for support. In addition, women simply aren’t willing to live out what may be long lives in loveless or unhappy marriages. People expect more from their marriages than ever before. They want passion, friendship, intimacy, sexuality and partnership. And many, many marriages simply can’t hold up under the weight of all of those expectations.

It was partly the surprising statistics on midlife divorce that spurred me to write this book. But I wanted to know more. In order to do this, I designed a short online survey and distributed it through social media sites and my website (abbyrodman.com). I wanted to know, specifically, why women in midlife were divorcing their spouses in such high numbers. And why they married those same spouses in the first place. I also wanted to know what respondents thought were the best and worst results of midlife divorce.

Hundreds of women responded. And the results were fascinating. For example, 50 percent of the respondents said they divorced because their partners were psychologically or emotionally abusive. We’ll definitely get into more on that later, but this was the number one response for why respondents ended their marriages. This revelation and so many others provided me with a goldmine of information about women’s personal experiences with midlife divorce. The results of the survey are sprinkled, where applicable, throughout this book. You can also see the original survey questions at the end of this book in the addendum.

If you’re having a tough time contemplating divorce (read: you’re currently emotionally and psychologically tortured regarding the decision), you’re not alone. Thoughtful, middle-aged people who divorce rarely do so without enough pain and indecision to fill all the black holes in the universe. If you’re reading this book, I have to assume you’re already somewhere on the divorce spectrum. Perhaps you’ve just taken that first baby step toward acknowledging your marriage may not be right for you. Maybe you’re years into your unhappiness and you still can’t pull the trigger and you don’t know why. Or you’ve already gone through a midlife divorce and just need to make more sense of it.

When I was in graduate school, my goal was to someday become a licensed psychotherapist and open my own practice. I’d have a nifty office with cool artwork on the walls. Really awesome, worried-well clients would flock to me for sage advice and guidance. I’d have a sign on the door with my name on it and tasteful business cards. I pictured it all but couldn’t conceive of how I’d ever get there. It all seemed so big and complicated. I was in awe of people who had done it.

I felt the same way when I was in my 40s and making the heartbreaking decision to divorce. I simply couldn’t understand how divorced people actually did it. How did they actually disconnect from the one person whom they had bound their lives to for all eternity? Did they know something I didn’t know? Have emotional skills I didn’t have? Strength I couldn’t access?

No other decision in my life has ever been so painful and gut-wrenching. I spent untold thousands of dollars on therapy and who knows how much more on acupuncturists, massage therapists, psychics and energy healers. For a short time, I skeptically followed an internationally-known guru who, as it turned out, was dead on in his predictions. Some of these modalities were comforting (the therapy saved my life, literally) and some were fool’s errands. I was flailing for answers and knocking on every door to get them. Maybe that next expert would give me the answers, the nerve, the clarity. I could only hope.

Perhaps like you, I became expert at hiding the profound dissatisfaction in my marriage. I talked with very few people about it. Either they were too close to the situation and I didn’t want to create discomfort for them or I vainly wanted to protect the happy family image I knew we projected. A dear friend’s husband said, When Ellen told me you were getting a divorce, I was absolutely shocked. I had no idea. Everything between you two seemed just fine. And this was from a guy who spent countless hours with my family sharing holidays, vacations, and many run of the mill events in between.

As it turns out, I now have the psychotherapy practice I envisioned (minus the cool artwork, perhaps, but definitely with the awesome clients) and, more importantly, I did end my marriage of over 20 years that had produced three wonderful, handsome, funny, kind and brilliant sons. (A mom can brag, can’t she?)

Getting licensed and opening a practice took a lot of studying and navigating my way through the red tape. Getting divorced wasn’t so different. Except for the emotional torture piece. Except for the piece in which I was hurting everyone I ever loved and cared about. Except for the piece in which there was no peace. And no good answer.

I firmly believe that if we really want something, we go for it. A pet peeve of mine is when folks say they don’t have time to do whatever it is they really don’t relish doing in the first place. They don’t have time to finish their taxes, or mail those bills or have their teeth cleaned. They just don’t have time to have lunch with that acquaintance, or call their headhunter or go for that long-overdue run. I don’t buy it for a second. All those same busy, busy people would find the time to collect the winnings on that lottery ticket, seek the best medical treatment when faced with a concerning diagnosis, or get to the attorney’s office for the reading of Uncle Harold’s will.

And this goes for divorce as well. No one looks forward to divorce and I bet you can come up with a thousand reasons not to get one. And they’re good reasons. Many of them really good. But then there’s that tipping point when getting a divorce is going to save your sanity, soul and what’s left of your days. Then, when you don’t act, you’re just trading short-term gain (procrastinating the painful) for long-term pain (even more of your life in a miserable marriage).

I’m a psychotherapist who has worked with hundreds of couples in long-term (and some not-so-long) marriages considering divorce in midlife. It’s a tough job watching people’s lives crumble at the seams from the front row, their hopes and dreams for marriage and family floating further and further from their grasp. It’s tough to witness it but even harder to go through it. Because I’ve had both experiences, it seems I’ve got the dubious honor of being somewhat of an authority here.

When I was considering divorce, a close friend asked me what I would tell my clients about it. Not much, I replied. I don’t disclose much about my personal life in session. That was my training. Blank slate and all that. My friend’s assumption was that couples wouldn’t want to see a therapist they knew was divorced. I was surprised because I had never really thought about it that way. I still don’t. I do realize that by writing this book, I’m telling a lot of former and current clients more about my life than I’d ever reveal in the course of treatment. There’s something discordantly uncomfortable about that but also something quite freeing.

A professor of mine once said he’d never go to a therapist who hadn’t been married and didn’t have children. He posited that these two experiences had unique issues that just couldn’t be understood by people who hadn’t had them. I get that. And I might just add divorced to his list of requirements — at least for those considering it, going through it, or recovering from it.

As a young bride, I knew almost immediately that something was wrong with my marriage. Terribly wrong. Sadly, I didn’t know enough about life and love to sit my husband down and say, What the heck is going on here? So, I just muddled through until I found the courage to see a therapist.

Lois, my first-ever therapist, seemed older to me at the time but now I realize she was probably around 40. She already had kids and worked out of her enormous home located in a tony neighborhood. I told her my marriage was very troubled. She seemed to care. She told me I could contact her even when she was on vacation in the Caribbean. And this was long before email and cell phones.

Many years later, someone told me something I found very interesting about Lois. Apparently, when I was seeing her for therapy, Lois had already been divorced and was in her second marriage. So, unbeknownst to me, Lois was Remarried Lois, living the dream with her hedge fund manager second husband and three healthy kids.

Lois never revealed she had been in a first marriage that hadn’t worked out. And it certainly wasn’t her obligation to do so. In retrospect, however, I believe it would have helped me to know that. I was young and scared and had a job that paid peanuts. What would I do if I divorced my husband? Where would I live? How would I live? The possibility that I could create a successful and happy life beyond divorce like Lois’s would have made a huge impact on me.

I needed two things from Lois: permission and encouragement. I got neither. She’s not to blame for this. There are boundaries in therapy that shouldn’t be crossed. I would never tell a client to divorce. It’s not my call to make. But I desperately needed to hear that, if I divorced, I’d be okay. That there would be another, perhaps better, life waiting for me. I was 25, for Pete’s sake! As it turned out, I’d spend another near quarter-century unhappily married. Not a game plan I’d recommend.

I don’t recommend divorce if you’re thinking it might be an easy path to the life of your dreams. And educating yourself about divorce is infinitely different and easier than actually going through with it, even if you read all the studies, talk to all the experts and worry yourself down to a Size 0. In the end, whatever you choose, you’re taking a gamble because there’s no guarantee that your