Light on the Other Side of Divorce: Discovering the New You (Life After Divorce, Divorce Book for Women)

By Dr. Elizabeth Cohen

This book is for people either separated from their partners and/or in the process of divorcing or divorced.  It is a book that guides people through their feelings during this tumultuous time.  The book is a comprehensive, inspirational resource for healing and thriving after divorce.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mango
• Release date: Apr 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781642505573

Dr. Elizabeth Cohen

Clinical psychologist, Dr. Elizabeth Cohen is the CEO and Director of Dr. Elizabeth Cohen and Associates, a group private practice in the heart of New York City serving hundreds of clients a year. The practice is dedicated to teaching, witnessing and encouraging clients to learn, grow, and heal so they can feel mastery in their lives. Dr. Cohen is the founder of the online divorce course and membership Afterglow: The Light at the Other Side of Divorce. This course teaches women how to thrive not just survive their divorce no matter how difficult the process has been. Dr. Cohen received her PhD in clinical psychology from Boston University. As part of her graduate training, she treated clients at the world-renowned Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders in Boston, MA. Dr. Cohen was the recipient of the prestigious American Psychological Foundation Research Award for her doctoral research. Following her time at BU, Dr. Cohen completed her pre-doctoral internship at Bellevue Hospital Center and the New York University Child Study Center. Dr. Cohen has been featured on the Tamron Hall Show, The Wall Street Journal, NBC News, Women’s Health, Huff Post, Thrive Global, Daily Beast and Good Housekeeping. She is a weekly contributor to Psychology Today with her “Divorce Course” column.

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Dr. Elizabeth Cohen

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© Copyright 2021 Dr. Elizabeth Cohen

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Light on the Other Side of Divorce: Discovering the New You

ISBN: 978-1-64250-556-6

BISAC: FAM015000—FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Divorce & Separation

LCCN: 2020940960

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America.

This is a work describing personal experiences of the author. Therefore, some names and details may have been altered in order to protect the privacy of individuals. Further, this book is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a trained medical professional. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her mental health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

To Lloyd, Ian, and Grace, the lights of my life

Table of Contents

Foreword

A Note from Dr. Cohen

Introduction

My Story and Where this Book Came From

Chapter 1

Ready, Set…How to Use This Book Successfully

Chapter 2

Divorce Is Not So Bad! Attacking Assumptions about Divorce

Chapter 3

Let Your Anger Out! How to Process Anger

Chapter 4

You’ve Got It Going On! How to Stop Negative Thinking in Its Tracks

Chapter 5

You Can Create a Life You Love: How to Live by Design Not by Default

Chapter 6

Friends or Foes? How to Get the Support You Need During Your Divorce

Chapter 7

You Got This! Believing in Your Ability to Heal

Chapter 8

Letting Go of Resentment: How to Feel at Ease with Your Ex

Chapter 9

Co-Parenting with Ease: How to Share Loved Ones with Your Ex

Chapter 10

Jumping Back into the Pool: Dating Post-Divorce

Chapter 11

Self-Care Central: The Art of Taking Care of Yourself

Chapter 12

Treat Yourself: How Pleasure Is the Key to Healing

Chapter 13

No Pain, No Gain, Baby: Processing Loss and Grief

Chapter 14

Life After Afterglow: The Long-Term Impact of Divorce

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Endnotes

Foreword

Dear reader,

Dr. Elizabeth Cohen’s book Light on the Other Side of Divorce: Discovering the New You, holds the promise to transform your life if you are going through a divorce. This insightful and empowering book will help you see that while you may be leaving your old way of life, you are about to enter a brand new way of being—one that you never could have possibly imagined. Dr. Cohen empowers you to see that you are not at the end of anything, but instead at the precipice of a birth of a new you through her personal and clinical examples.

There is a fundamental problem today in how we view marriage and divorce that prevents us from embracing the fact that life post-divorce can actually offer an opportunity rather than only despair. Dr. Cohen bravely acknowledges the reality of this common life experience in this book. She expertly explains the need to change the paradigm on divorce. This book will provide anyone going through divorce the tools they need to manage this important life transition.

Few things scare people more than the D word. Religion and culture often make us feel like we are failures for even considering it. As a result, the process of divorce is mired in fear, negativity, and judgment, leaving those who find themselves at its threshold consumed with anxiety. Rethinking what success in a marriage looks like is a critical step in turning around your divorce experience.

It is time to change the paradigm where we no longer define a good marriage as a long one, but instead one which is predicated on growth and expansion. This is why Dr. Cohen’s book is required reading if you are going through a divorce. Light on the Other Side of Divorce explains how divorce is not an end, nor a failure. Instead, it is now simply a transition—from the old to the new and to a world of possibilities. Dr. Cohen’s personal and clinical experiences showcase how divorce is not about separation from another person per se, but instead a divorce from one’s own inauthentic self, one’s own old persona. How can becoming your authentic self ever be a bad thing?

Providing clear instructions and tools on how to move away from our archaic definitions of love, Dr. Cohen emphasizes that love is no longer seen through the lens of possession and control, but through freedom. Through detailed and informative examples, Dr. Cohen presents the tools one needs to truly love oneself. Giving ourselves the freedom to grow in vast new directions allows us to do so without guilt or shame. As we unshackle ourselves from culture’s many cages of fear, we find ourselves in a new terrain of boundless expansion and growth. This book is a roadmap for turning what is often seen as a deficit as into an opportunity for growth and healing. Once we accept that through this struggle, we will know ourselves more deeply, and no longer be bound by how culture defines us. This is the essence of love. This freedom is our birthright.

What is groundbreaking about Dr. Cohen’s book is her thoughtful step-by-step approach that transforms our notions of love and marriage. Divorce no longer something to be feared. It is now an opportunity to grow into our new selves and cross the bridge to our new tomorrow.

Dr. Cohen’s book will help you navigate this new chapter in your life. With her extensive knowledge, approachable language, and practical advice, you will find the comfort and encouragement you need to move forward. This book will become the standard operating manual for those looking to love their lives and reconnect to themselves after divorce.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary

New York Times bestselling author

and clinical psychologist

A Note from Dr. Cohen

I wrote this book for individuals going through the difficult experience of exiting a relationship. The pain and confusion at this time does not discriminate. The struggle of life post-divorce overwhelms same-sex, heterosexual, domestic partnerships and beyond equally. And you do not need a marriage license to feel the pain of permanent separation. This book was written to guide anyone through the often painful and traumatic ending of a long-term relationship.

When I was writing this book, I spent a lot of time thinking about who I was writing this for. In fact, I often tried to bring a person to mind by imagining their clothes, home, and desires, and what they wanted from life. I wanted to really see and feel what you, the reader, needed so I could provide the perfect tools for healing as you navigate your life after divorce.

Once I started writing however, I realized that I was not writing for just one person. I was writing for many. I was writing for the woman who chose to leave her marriage and the woman who was told her husband did not love her anymore. I was writing for the man who was completely shocked when his wife asked for a divorce and for the man who was deathly afraid of losing custody of his kids. I was writing for the gender nonconforming person who was experiencing panic attacks after they told their partner they wanted a divorce.

This book was written for the person who asked for the divorce and for the person who is reeling from their partner’s decision. This is because in my clinical experience, both parties require guidance and healing through the divorce process. Just because someone asked for a divorce does not mean they have processed their feelings or reflected on what they want the next chapter of their lives to look like. For example, research shows women are two-thirds more likely to ask for a divorce and that they are two times more likely to seek therapeutic services. ¹ Asking for a divorce does not protect you from pain. Ending a relationship is hard for everyone involved.

I wrote this book to empower people to enter this new chapter of their lives with confidence, optimism, and ease. Therefore, the person who will benefit most from this book is someone willing to reflect honestly on their behavior and consider the perspective of their ex-partner. If you are simply looking for a way to fix or change the other person, this book might not be right for you. If you are up to the brave and fruitful challenge of looking at yourself and others with compassion and curiosity, then you are in the right place.

I want to specifically address whether this book will be helpful for all gender identities because I have been asked this question in every interview I have done about this book. My answer is an emphatic yes. Research has long shown that while men are three to four times more likely to suffer severe psychiatric conditions, and do not seek psychological help as much as women do. ² It has been suggested that this might be due to the types of treatments offered, that they are less appealing to men than women because, for example, many psychological interventions are more emotion focused than solution focused, thus preferred by women rather than men.³

Knowing this research and wanting to make the exercises in this book available to all, I intentionally balanced this book with both emotion-focused and solution focused techniques. The exercises include a wide variety of research supported tools using solution and emotion-based strategies to appeal to any reader.

In my clinical practice, I have worked with every type of individual impacted by divorce. Divorce impacts an entire family. There is no one who is unaffected. I tell clients that it is like a virus. If the virus is in your household, everyone is exposed. Some people might show symptoms, and some may not for a bit, but you are all affected.

No matter your gender identity or role in the divorce decision, you are impacted by it and can benefit from the guidance and support of this book.

I remember when Stacey, a client, sat on the couch in my office crying hysterically. Through her tears she asked, Why is this so hard for me? This is what I asked for and I was the one who had the affair. She was flabbergasted that she was in such distress over her divorce. She had explained multiple times that she had let go of the relationship years ago and her marriage was dead in the water. But there she was, filled with sadness, distress, and fear. I explained to her that her action of ending the relationship and her certainty that her decision was right, but did not eliminate her need to process her loss and the years in her marriage. Stacey was hoping for a pass for not having to do the work of recovery from her divorce, but the more we talked, and I pointed out all the feelings she had been pushing away, she began to see the work ahead of her. I will never forget when she looked at me and said, I am ready to dive deep as long as you are with me all the way. I smiled and we started the healing journey together.

I want to invite you now to join me on your healing journey. This book will allow you to create an individualized plan for recovery post-divorce using research supported strategies. Trust yourself that you can do this and let’s dive deep!

Dr. Elizabeth Cohen

Introduction

My Story and Where this Book Came From

I met my ex-husband when I was twenty-two. I was living in my first apartment in Brooklyn, NY, after graduating college. I had a great entry level job that was setting me up for a successful career. I had received accolades for my work by professors and professional organizations, but inside I felt empty. As I sat in a therapist’s office, I said, I wish I could see what everyone else sees in me. When people compliment me, I immediately think that I have tricked them into thinking I am someone I am not. She looked at me with her empathic eyes and likely thought, We have a lot of work to do.

Thanks to our work together, I was eating more consistently than I had in over two years. When I first walked into her office months after graduating from college, I weighed 112 pounds and was terrified of gaining more weight. I called her panicked for an appointment after I spent forty-five minutes walking up and down Broadway looking for a place to buy a salad. I had been eating the exact same salad for lunch and dinner for over eighteen months and I was struggling with change. When I first returned to NY and could not continue my rigid meal planning, I was panicked.

The first session I had, I vividly recall her telling me I had trouble expressing my needs. My body froze and I had no words. Of course, I had heard this word before, but truly had never considered I had any. I explained that having needs to me seemed selfish and unkind. In fact, I took a sense of pride in the fact that I thought of other’s needs before myself. I was uncomfortable and a bit angry that she would imply I even had needs.

My college boyfriend and I had just broken up for the fourth or fifth time. The fact that the tumultuous and unhealthy relationship was over was devastating to me. I would spend months begging for him to take me back. Sometimes he would and more often he would not. We were finally over, and I was a mess. I felt like I had ruined everything and that being alone was simply an outward indication of how unlovable and awful I was. This is how I felt when I walked into the club where I met my ex-husband.

When we first met it was quite a love story. I literally fell in love with him while he was playing bass guitar onstage in a smoky NYC bar. I looked at him with his mop hairdo and thought, Wow, he is so cool. I boldly sauntered over to the corner of the bar where the band was taking celebratory shots. I looked at him straight in the eye and introduced myself. He was clearly tickled by my boldness as I caught him smiling and later watching me dance with pure abandon on the dance floor.

Within a few days we fell deeply in love and it pained us to be apart. We needed each other. He even looked at me one day as we shared a seat on the subway and said, I have an addictive personality and I am addicted to you. I had chills all over my body and I thought, This is it. This is what real love is supposed to feel like. He was providing me with an unconditional love I had not experienced, so I was falling hard and fast. I ignored all the signs of his increasing alcoholism.

I had a lot of ways of staying in denial about his alcohol abuse. I told myself that it was ok that he drank a lot because he was so affectionate when drunk. My friend recalls a night when he was hanging on me dancing in a nightclub and she overheard him saying to me, You are my life. I cannot live without you. How could I be angry with his drinking when he would say these deeply romantic statements that said exactly what I needed.

I would also tell myself that his drinking was commensurate with the drinking of our friends. He was in a band and many of his bandmates also ordered drinks after a gig. There was a lot of celebrating and drinking in our circle. I saw their behavior as legitimizing his. Of course, he was the only band member who would get so drunk that I would have to carry his gear home.

When friends would tell me that he said something inappropriate to them when he was drunk, I would apologize on his behalf and explain that he was under a lot of stress or was just kidding. I was constantly making excuses for his behavior. This was certainly not helpful for me, but I only learned later it was terrible for him as well.

As a therapist, I would use clinical terms to deny the situation. I would talk about anxiety and depression rather than alcoholism. I would explain away his behavior based on his family history or his previous relationships.

I would ignore the internal nagging feeling I had inside that something was wrong. I vividly recall waking up one morning after one of his frequent late-night benders and blackouts and looking at myself in the mirror. I said out loud, We will never ever tell anyone any of this. This will be our secret. That day I shutdown and went deeper into denial than ever.

Fast forward eight years and I was married to an alcoholic husband who couldn’t stay sober for more than a day at a time while I was trying to raise our two-year-old boy and six-month-old baby girl. It was absolute hell.

There was a consistent pattern of behavior. He would wake up remorseful from the night before and clean the whole house, make breakfast, and play with the kids. We would not talk about the night before explicitly, but by noon I had forgotten about all the pain I felt twelve hours earlier. We would engage the kids in an activity and midafternoon he would take some time to himself. I truly can’t remember what I would do but I do know I would be hand-wringingly worried that he would come home drunk. He would come home for dinner and I would look into his every move and behavior to try and interpret whether he was drunk or not, going back and forth in my head like a ping-pong game. He is, no he isn’t, yes, he is. I doubted myself and my instincts completely. He would read to the kids at bedtime and I would hear his words slur and be convinced he was drunk. But, moments later he would appear calm and sober. Once the kids went to bed, I would go to bed anticipating the baby waking up in a short few hours. After I nursed her at night, I would walk around the house looking for him. I would find him passed out in different areas of the house. I would feel enraged, shake him to wake up, yell at him as he stumbled to bed, toss and turn for thirty minutes, and go to bed thinking, This is it. I am done. I mean it this time. Then I would wake up and the pattern would repeat itself.

If you knew me during that time, you would never have known anything was wrong. I hid all the gruesome details and only shared the positive stories from the first half of our day. I never shared my pain, fear, or anger with anyone. I believed this was my problem to change and fix and if I told other people then they would see how out of control I was. They would think that I could not manage the situation.

I was determined to figure out how to fix my marriage, fix him, and fix our situation. I really thought I could do it. After all, I had been fixing things my whole life.

Growing up, I was often in the position of figuring out ways to handle sticky situations. My parents were often too overwhelmed by the demands of their lives to help me problem solve. They were plagued by their own internal struggles and did not have mental energy to guide me. I was left to my own resources. I found ways to make things work. For example, despite repeatedly telling my mother I did not like the food she prepared for lunch at school, she continued to pack it day in and day out. Since she could not hear my request, I found a way to have food that I liked. I simply asked the lunch attendants if I could have school lunch. Despite my not having signed up for this benefit they absolutely gave me lunch along with a smile every day.

Everyone who knows me would say, Liz, you always find a way to work things out. I am a master planner, organizer, and strategist.

So, imagine how I felt when I was faced with the deep truth that I could not fix this man. I could not heal his drinking disease. I could not find a way for him to commit to and be in our family in a healthy way.

I did not give up easily though. I tried all the things I could. I just could not accept that I could not fix this. Truly, that was my mistake. That was what I contributed to the end of our relationship, my resistance to let him and the relationship go.

I did not want to let go. My determination to hold tight became more about me trying to be successful rather than trying to help him. I recall a mentor at the time saying, Figuring it out is not a solution in this situation but, letting go is. I really did not want to hear that, but somewhere deep inside I knew this to be true.

I could only let go of the relationship when he put one of the children at risk and I found the courage to kick him out.

I felt angry, scared, overwhelmed, broken, unmoored, and shattered. I did not know who I was without my marriage and the life I was leaving behind. I had spent years building that life, and in what felt like an instant, it was all over. I could not imagine a future or even the next day. My relationship was excruciatingly painful, and I felt somewhere deep inside that it was all my fault.

I would go over and over what I had said the moment before he went out and got drunk. I reviewed how my demands and requests might have been too much. As a therapist I tried to analyze his deep avoidance of his responsibilities and see where I could have done more.

I was tortured with my thoughts. I was walking around the city I live in like a zombie. If you were to see me at the playground with my kids you would have thought I was having a fine time. as I had learned over the years married to an alcoholic to pretend, I was ok. Inside I was a mess. I was sad, scared, and ashamed.

One cold winter day in NYC, I was pushing the kids in an unwieldy double stroller