Transform Yourself: Lessons on Self-Love and Self-Trust

By Saft

Feeling tired, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, stuck, unfulfilled? Not living the life of your dreams and have no idea how to make changes happen? Then you are at the right place. In this groundbreaking approach

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kim Saft
• Release date: May 1, 2022
• ISBN: 9798986071312

Book preview

Preface

Welcome to the next chapter of your life!

If you’ve picked up this book, chances are you aren’t satisfied with the way you’ve been living. Maybe you are unfulfilled, tired of criticizing yourself, and are ready for peace and contentment, but are feeling stuck and not sure how or what to change. If so, you’ve come to the right place!

This book, its companion book called Tools To Apply, as well as the after-book program called The Journeyers Club, are your ways out of your rut and into a whole new way of living. They are designed to simply and concretely offer you new ways to think about old problems, practical ways to apply them, and opportunities for support along the way. You will learn how to transform your relationship with yourself, so that you feel good in your skin and can live a life you truly enjoy living.

With commitment and effort, you can transform. You can get unstuck. Read on, put the lessons into practice, follow the map that has been designed for you, and actualize your potential. You have the ability to create your own happy, be fulfilled, and feel empowered. Let’s make it happen!

When people hear I’m a psychologist, they often ask what kinds of clients I see. I tell them that the folks who walk in my door are usually ready to develop self-love and self-trust, but they don’t always know it. That’s the ‘type’ of person this book can help: those of us who can benefit from a bit more self-love and self-trust.

I think of myself as an empowerment therapist. I empower people to make changes, to get under the content of what’s bothering them, and to get to the root of their pain. I teach them to unearth that root and clear out the self-criticism and shame that is often lurking there. They learn to fill that space with self-love and self-trust instead. Once they do this, the problems that brought them in the door typically are no longer problems.

I help my clients make the changes they so strongly desire, offering motivation, education, connection, accountability, and, most importantly, unconditional support. I show them how to get what they didn’t get in childhood. The therapeutic relationship is healing, as they start to own their worth and become willing to do things differently than before. As they reap the rewards, they learn to trust themselves, and they own their power. They become different people in many ways, as life becomes manageable, and to their surprise, even fulfilling. They feel good in their skin. They accept themselves without judgement and know the importance of treating themselves with compassion instead of criticism and contempt. They learn they have the power to live the life of their dreams and how to do it. What I do works. It heals. It changes lives. Now it’s your turn!

The model I developed and teach is a universal model, meaning that it applies to any individual, to all of us. This means that you too can learn how to change your life and reap the rewards. It’s so worth it.

Before you do this work, though, even reading about making change happen can be scary and overwhelming. Developing self-love and self-trust, transforming how you feel about yourself might seem nearly impossible. If so, you are in the right place. If fear is popping up, just invite it along. We will learn how to manage our fears and move forward anyway.

Once you acquire the knowledge from the lessons and learn to apply the new tools, growth is a good time. What was once the unknown becomes known, and then it’s not so scary. You start owning your power to make change, to trust yourself, to apply the new tools at your disposal, and to realize that you can reach your goals and live a life you like living.

We all have power, control, and choice. We might not always be actualizing it, but we all have the power to make change, control the direction of our thoughts and feelings, and choose how we want to live our life. As you gain more insight and practice the tools, you will see change happen.

Even small changes have a ripple effect. You think and feel differently, as you put the lessons into practice. You get to feel proud of yourself for making the effort to do things differently. The only thing in your way is a bit of fear and not necessarily knowing which way to go. I’m going to teach you how to address your fears and walk through them. You are going to have a path set out in front of you, so you know just what to do, to get you where you want to go. Time to start exercising all that power, control, and choice.

Everyone has different goals, but, essentially, you probably want a higher quality of life, however that looks for you. You might want to be happier, more fulfilled, and have more positive energy in your life. All good stuff. Unfortunately, folks tend to fear the process of change, so they just avoid it altogether. Here’s the thing, though: this process of change doesn’t have to be horrid, overwhelming, or filled with darkness. This journey can be an exciting, empowering adventure. You get to choose how you want it to go. You have all the power!

Clients are always surprised when they realize that our sessions include many pockets of light, as we tend the old wounds, current challenges, and residual pain. I teach my clients to let go. They learn to release the negative assumptions they have about themselves, to work through the old messages from their family of origin, to stop their self-hatred, and, instead of feeling stuck, to feel empowered. There’s a huge relief in letting go of old entrapments. You get to flood your system with new, positive messages. You get to feel full of self-acceptance, self-love, and self-trust. To reap all these rewards, all you need is a willingness to put in the effort.

This book is made up of 18 chapters. Each chapter teaches a lesson that addresses ‘big ticket’ items on your growth journey. Within each section are mini-lessons that break the bigger topic down into bite-size pieces. I want all this new information to be digestible for you. The goal is for you to be able to take it in, make sense of it, and really understand how it applies to you. Throughout the lessons, I’ll be encouraging you to put them into practice. The more you practice the new skills you are learning and apply them into your everyday life, the more fluent you’ll be and the quicker you’ll feel a reprieve from your pain. That’s the point, isn’t it? To feel better as you are you living, to have a higher quality of life.

At the end of each chapter is a review of all the mini-lessons. After the review, Act On It and choose to practice, integrate, and actualize the skills in your life. To get different results, we have to think and act differently. The companion book Tools To Apply contains all the tools you need to apply the lessons you are learning now. Together, both books are the complete package, a road map to creating a life you love living.

To connect with you and support you on your journey, I invite you to join the Journeyers Club. The Journeyers Club offers ongoing support to ensure your success. You get to join a community of people also doing their best to make changes in their lives and apply the lessons learned here. The Journeyers Club offers seminars, vlogs that distill the lessons and tools of the book, an app to have at your fingertips for motivation and accountability, and an online forum that brings all the Journeyers together to support each other. Experiential workshops and retreats are available to support you as you grow. I’m here to guide, problem-solve, rally motivation, and help you apply these lessons directly to your life.

Change happens when you do things differently. Are you ready for the adventure?

Chapter 1

Understanding What’s Ahead

Want change? Then commit to reading the book and doing the exercises. Essentially, commit to your right to live the life you want. A pretty worthy commitment, I’d say.

First things first: make a commitment to yourself

To make that commitment, start by telling yourself I commit to the process. I’m willing to put in the effort and reap the rewards. You can do that, right? You’ve picked up the book. You’ve read this far. You’ve got the desire. Now just make your commitment explicit. When you see a large bullet point, like the one below, know that this is your opportunity to do something differently. Pause to put your energy towards your healing and growth, and then take an action!

Say it loud and say it proud: I commit to the process. I’m putting effort in to reap rewards. Nice. You’ve logged your first success.

The clients who truly succeed —and by succeed I mean creating a higher quality of life — are those who show up each week, journal in hand, with points they want to discuss at the ready and ‘homework' done. They are showing themselves that they are committed. They approach our work together as getting a new education on themselves and how to live a fulfilled life. They leave wiser than when they came in, with a whole new education. They are ready to earn an advanced degree in personal growth, and it transforms their lives. They learn that with practice, repetition and consistency, change is possible. They are taking the lessons they learn in session and applying them daily to their thoughts and actions. They are making change, one baby step at a time. Totally doable, for them, for you, for all of us!

In order to rally your motivation, get clear about why you are willing to put in the effort. Identifying your purpose for making change happen is like a beacon as you make your way through the dark and into the light. Your purpose will guide you. Think about what you want more of and what you want less of. Maybe you want more inner calm and less anxiety. Possibly you want more authentic connections with others and less conflict. There is no right or wrong answer. It’s about what’s right for you.

I’m taking this journey, so that I may have more _______ and less ________.

I’ve made these steps as easy to learn and apply as possible, first, because they don’t need to be hard, and second, because I want you to succeed. To reach that goal, I’ve built in a new component to provide support.

Often, people will read a self-help book, or perhaps ten. They will be semi-committed to the process of change, not apply the lessons they learned, and become hopeless that change is possible for them. Maybe this has happened to you. Have you diligently read every word of a dizzying number of self-help books, but struggled with applying the concepts and gotten frustrated, bored, or apathetic? Have you stared at the exercises in a book but didn’t do them? Did the old belief (You can’t do it) rear its ugly head? Possibly you’ve come to believe that change isn’t really possible for you.

Often, people don’t have the support they need to commit to the process of making change happen. It can be a hard road to walk alone. Making change is easier with company, with the support of a group and a guide. You don’t have to go it alone. You’ve got a whole tribe of change-makers, of Journeyers, to connect and grow with, to help you meet and exceed your goals.

Journeyers Club

To really access connection and support on your growth journey, consider the Journeyers Club. During the member-driven question and answer seminars, I unpack the lessons you learn in this book, address general questions that come up on the journey, and providing guidance on how to most effectively move forward.

You’ll also have the Journeyers App, which provides support, motivation, and accountability. It includes all the tools you’ll learn here and will prompt you to stay committed, to keep putting in the effort that will set you free from your old ways of being. My social media vlogs on growth provide support as you move through the process of change and help ensure your success. Finally, the Journeyers Forum is an online group where all the journeyers support each other as they grow into wholeness and transform their lives.

The Journeyers Club is a complete platform for you to access to ensure you meet your goals and get ongoing support on your journey. I believe wholeheartedly in our ability to make change happen. I see it in my office every day. I also know it’s easier when you aren’t alone on the journey. I want you to have all the support you need so you can be successful in your mission to live a life you are fulfilled to live.

Raising your awareness is a first step toward change. You want to understand how you have gotten to this point. Be mindful, though, that judgement thwarts inquiry. When you judge yourself harshly, you are apt to shut down, which is not the direction you want to go to gain awareness. It’s so important for you to keep an open mind as you are learning, so try to suspend judgement and be curious instead. Then you can really gain all the insight necessary to help you make the changes you want to make.

So here’s the plan:

Commit to the process.

Read the book and do the exercises.

Get a journal to record progress

Do things differently than you’ve done before.

Utilize the companion book Tools to Apply

Join the Journeyers Club.

Keep practicing the new skills.

Gain self-love and self-trust.

Have fun along the way!

Follow the plan and, before you know it, you will be living a life you want to live. You’ll feel content and fulfilled. You’ll be connected to those around you. You’ll find meaning in your life, and you’ll love the person driving: you!

You’ve got the lessons, tools, a guide, support, and a community at your fingertips. All you need to do is commit and consistently take one step at a time. Put the effort in and get results out. Follow the map to get where you want to go. You’ve got this. Go forth and conquer!

Journal

You’ve made the commitment to yourself, now it’s time to get a journal to record your journey. I encourage my clients to get some type of notebook that makes them happy when they see it, a journal that signifies you are starting something new, bold, and exciting.

My clients often do their ‘homework’ in their journal, they record how things went, and what they want to focus on. It’s a place to reflect, get some distance from your thoughts, and really stay directed on your journey. You are embarking on a new way of being, readying yourself to shed old, unwanted skin and building up a body, inside and out, that is loved completely. That in itself is worthy of a new journal.

Use your journal to record all your responses to the questions and a space to practice using the tools you will be learning. It will be a keepsake that reminds you of where you started and testament to how far you’ve come.

The new lessons you are learning are meant to break the rules you’ve been living by all these years. The first rule to break is don’t write in books. Let that one go. Write in this book, doodle on it, ponder away, and jot down anything that comes up. Highlight to your heart’s content.

Research shows numerous benefits to journaling. Getting things out of your head and heart and onto paper gives you some distance, clarity, and perspective. It helps you start to see your puzzle pieces and how they’ve been going together all these years. It gives you a place to record your challenges and your successes. It’s a safe space, just for you. If need be, find a place to stash your journal, and password protect it or lock it up. Do what you need to do to know it feels safe to write in it. It’s yours, and it will be a powerful tool on your journey.

Bite-size pieces, please!

I’m a big believer in baby steps and taking in just the right amount of information, so that you can work with it and not be overwhelmed. The key is to do things differently than you’ve done before, but not for you to feel as if you are getting buried in an avalanche of information. Seriously, how many self-help books have you read over the years in a desire to feel differently in life, ending up feeling doubly disappointed that you still feel the same?

For real change to occur — for change within — you have to do something. Not just read about it, but do it. There are exercises throughout the book, challenges for you to try. Choose to do things differently to get different results. Apply the lessons by doing the exercises. Use the tools. You have the power to make change. You have choice, so use it. You’ll feel better for it.

Everyone has to do their own work

When you take responsibility for your own healing, you own that it’s your work to do and that no one else can do it for you. People make change when the cons of the behavior outweigh the pros of maintaining it. If you are sick of feeling this sick, tired of feeling this tired, then you are ready.

As adults, automatic negative thoughts might stop us from even trying to make changes, let alone succeeding. Think of these automatic negative thoughts as ANTs. ANT is an acronym for automatic negative thoughts. That brings up a pretty clear image, right? Your ANTs are probably scurrying around right now, trying to make chaos of your plans to make changes. Per their name, ANTS are usually spouting some negativity. They might be telling you Change isn’t possible for you. You aren’t good enough. There’s no hope, and so on. Your ANTs are actually trying to keep you safe by having you not try. They think that if you don’t try, you can’t fail, you won’t get hurt. Your ANTs are the part of you that is scared. Remind them you are ready for a new track, and have already committed to suspend judgement and go forth with an open and curious mind. Tell them to find another place to picnic.

Your ANTs are trying to protect you

Your ANTs think they are protecting you by not letting you expose yourself. They fear the unknown and don’t want you to risk being vulnerable. They are worriers by nature. They think they are doing you a favor by trying to derail your process, by having you stop before you start, but really they are just keeping you stuck in the place you’ve always been; it just seems safer because it is known.

We can have the fears, be aware of your ANTs, and still move forward. One way to start moving forward, even with ANTs scurrying around trying to thwart the process, is to just identify the ANTs, taking note of the fears, doubts, and uncertainties rolling around in your head. Then, take out your journal, list them all, and let them sit for a bit. Let them have their picnic feast on the pages and free up some space in your head and heart to do the work you are doing.