Swallow

By Fida Islaih

With the pandemic and isolation it made room for self reflection. These poems helped me with accepting my pain and healing from it. It’s about seeing my identity and finding self love in the midst of trying to belong in a community, living in a pandemic and other injustices. It shares the journey of doing the work to unpack repressed emotions, memories, and properly processing them. It’s about learning and growing through the connections and revelations made. Through it all, I remove my negative self judgement, find my self worth and confidence.

Trigger warning: anxiety, trauma, religion, injustice.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fida Islaih
• Release date: Jun 25, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005369415

Fida Islaih

Fida Islaih is a self published poet and freelance poetry editor. Islaih writes about mental health and cultural experiences. Her faith, experiences and love for nature is the foundation of her poetry. She helps other poets polish their poetry books for self publishing. Aside from her work, she enjoys calligraphy and jigsaw puzzles.

Book preview

Part One

Self

Self-Portrait

Baby hairs tickle my face

I fidget with my scarf tassels

and give myself grace

fingers stained yellow with turmeric

my hands decorated with henna

the mess i’ll embrace

my bracelets jingle from the women before me

I watch history unravel

faith sits on my chest.

Part of Me

My anxiety is not who I am

I have the coping skills to tackle it

when my mind is clear

my heart is calm and patient

My shyness is not who I am

I may stumble

it’s a wall I put up

giving you a chance to know me

My smile may win you over

I am soft spoken and passionate

searching for contemplative conversations

My sensitivity is a part of me

showing my emotions

I’ll lend you a listening ear

nurturing our relationship

fulfills my heart.

Put My Heart First

I am an empath

your negative energy is messing with me

I am allowed to create distance and cut ties

to focus on taking care of myself

I am a people pleaser

ready to serve you

I am pulled from all directions

I forgot about myself

I shouldn’t feel guilty for saying no

and taking time to rest

I am selfless

taking in all the responsibilities

and holding all your burdens

I am allowed to put a stop to it and step away

I belittle myself

making myself feel small

so that I can’t bother you with my pain and passions

I deserve a safe space

to process my emotions

and feel loved.

Introvert

I analyze my surroundings

needing time to adjust to the environment

excitement shakes away the nerves

Tiredness falls on my face

I am an introvert –

being in loud crowds

is overwhelming & draining

During iftars with the community

I stay in the corner

During dance parties with the ladies

I stay on the edge

Walking away from the bright lights

I find solace in the empty mosque

in the moonlit parking lot

I don’t do small talk

but I need heart conversations

laughter shakes away the exhaustion

I’m told to take care

and while recharging alone

I come back better.

Tense Loneliness

Feeling lonely is better

than the pain you leave me with

I’d rather have space to reflect and grow

feeling lonely is better

than giving chances to your empty promises

and trusting your unknown temperament

Is feeling lonely better

than restless anticipation?

We gather together

and you read my nervous tension

understanding what I need

gives me the space to practice

I overthink into a nervous spiral

there is an aura around me

of restless anticipation

let me be the first to present my story

chaotic voices pull me apart

you stand by my side, not letting me fall

The line between anxiety

and loneliness is blurry

I don’t want to be alone

with the voices and the void

the noise leads to nothing

Loneliness hurts more

when it’s self-inflicted

by my lack of being outgoing

shyness bit my tongue 

consumed by the negativity in my mind

thinking others notice it

but all they see is my smile

this is self-inflicted as I sit in a corner alone

self-conscious about how I look to others.

Through loneliness I sit with my emotions

and work on healing the pain

through loneliness I find myself,

when it feels peaceful

negative self-judgement disappears

and a genuine smile grows.

Intuition

My bones hope for good in the day

I’m allowed to follow the inklings I get

no matter how small the voice is

I know if I don’t acknowledge my suspicions

they will haunt me everyday

I