My Faith, My Shield: Break Free from What Seeks to Destroy You from the Inside

By A. Friend

We all battle something at one point in time or another. Some of us are aware of the wars raging within us. Fighting our inner battles can help us to be who we are truly meant to be. As a teenager, I was medically diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. After years of proper medical care and being determined to do the hard work to stay in rec

• Language: English
• Publisher: Palmetto Publishing Group
• Release date: Feb 18, 2020
• ISBN: 9781641117715

Book preview

PART I

Research and Opinion

I’ve done my own extensive research on eating disorders. My opinions are based on factual research and personal experience. None of what I share is intended to be used as, or replace, medical advice and/or care. That said, I hope that you will find the following helpful.

Perfect storm is a phase most recognized from the book The Perfect Storm, by Sebastian Junger, published in 1997 and later made into a movie. A perfect storm is most often referred to as a catastrophic occurrence created by the concurrence of at least three other factors that would not have as much of a devastating effect if occurring alone.

An eating disorder is the result of a perfect storm brought about by a combination of preceding and occurring factors. I infer from my research and own experiences that individuals are likely born with a blueprint that depicts a predisposition to developing anorexia and that supports the development and proliferation of this and other eating disorders and co-occurring disorders.

The interactive processes of the psychological, social, and biological causes of eating disorders have become an area of interest for many researchers. If an individual’s innate predisposition, surrounding environment, and socio-cultural pressures suffocate them in any number of ways, an eating disorder may result as the person’s own coping mechanism to stay above water in a perfect storm.

The first component is the biological. Biological factors have to do with that which is living. This includes genetic factors, psychological traits, brain biochemistry and neurotransmitters, and perinatal factors. The second component is the social component, which includes one’s total environment, including social interactions, family life, and culture. The third component makes way for the perfect storm to develop. The third refers to an individual’s life experiences. All three components combined make way for an eating disorder like anorexia to form, strengthen, and destruct.

Understanding the Storm

According to The American Journal of Psychiatry, anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of all psychological disorders,¹ yet the true causes of this disease remain a mystery and difficult to pinpoint. I believe that an individual is born with the tendency to become anorexic. Environmental factors in combination with the effect of life experiences make way for the conditions of a perfect storm.

To begin, it is important to first understand anorexia. The anorexic has an intense fear of being fat and is usually, but not always, very thin. The anorexic individual does not consume enough calories or nutrients to support the maintenance, growth, and/or normal functions of the body. As a result, all body processes slow down to conserve energy. It is this decelerating process that has serious physical, emotional, and behavioral effects on the individual. Many resources describe anorexia in terms of its effects rather than what composes its core.

The physical effects of anorexia include amenorrhea, loss of bone density, low immune functioning, low body temperature and a hypersensitivity to heat and/or cold, GI problems, muscle loss and weakness, fatigue, easily bruising, growth of lanugo hair, heart complications, low blood pressure, low heart rate, poor circulation, anemia, and possible death. Anorexia is the slow death of the entire body’s basic functioning abilities. Emotional effects include but are not limited to difficulties in concentration, isolation, irritability, feelings of guilt, depression, and regression to a child-like state. Behaviorally, the anorexic displays an abnormal relationship with food, employing behaviors that I will address in more detail in a subsequent section. This abnormal relationship with food extends to the individual’s actions and reactions in nearly every area of their life. Most in the medical profession focus on this alone—which is of utmost importance in their job—but there has to be someone who is taking each person as an individual and getting to the bottom of their disorder. Treating it is one thing, but getting to the bottom of it is the only way to maintain long-lasting remission.

What Causes the Storm?

There are no known definitive causes of anorexia, but as previously stated, research indicates that a combination of biological, social, and psychological factors all contribute to the disease. For example, there is research that indicates higher levels of serotonin, a neurotransmitter found in the brain, will make an individual withdraw and have less of a desire for food. Higher levels of serotonin can result from any number of factors. A genetic predisposition for anorexia has also been studied; it is the social and familial environment that may provoke the tendency toward developing anorexia. Personality traits such as perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive attributes, being eager to please, harm avoidance, approval-seeking, selflessness, low self-esteem, withdrawal, irritability, and black-or-white (all-or-nothing) thinking are some of the traits that can cultivate an eating disorder. For me, I believe that genes and familial patterns have definitely been key contributors.

Looking back on my life, one could say by preschool the traits of an anorexic were already brewing in me: perfectionism, selflessness, the need to please, extreme empathy, anxiety, extreme care to not disappoint anyone, and avoidance. I remember that day in preschool when I colored a picture freely, though I would usually pay close attention to stay inside the lines. Several people commented and showed their disappointment with me and my work. More was expected of me, and I was overwhelmed with shame. I was just a child happily coloring a picture. It seems as though I remembered from that moment on to never go outside the lines.

I infer from my research and own experiences that individuals may be born with a predisposition to anorexia, which then supports the development of the eating disorder. My story reveals how an eating disorder results as a compound response of an individual’s self-created coping system. This interactive process of the psychological, social, and biological causes of eating disorders has become an area of interest for many researchers, but my research comes from first-hand life experience.

OPERATION RECOVERY

As you continue to grasp what is behind an eating disorder like anorexia, you see that any number of causes can be behind an individual’s eating disorder. Never are any two cases the same. One of the first things family members think when a loved one is diagnosed with an eating disorder is how and when a loved one will recover. When will they be normal again?

The causes are dependent upon any number of co-occurring factors within an individual’s life experience coupled with the biological factors discussed above. Likewise will be the recovery. The complexity within the causes, proliferation, and cure of eating disorders make the study of their mere existence captivating and ever changing. Anorexia is a complex disorder of the mind, body, and environment that researchers continue to try to make sense of.

Warning: Do not try to analyze a single case according to any single book or opinion.

Doctors, therapists, and eating disorder specialists are not introduced to the case of a patient with an eating disorder until its storm has made landfall. The resources that they have to fully comprehend the causes of any one person’s eating disorder are limited because they differ from case to case, and thus treatment must be regarded likewise. They come in on a recovery mission, but there is a whole other mission to dissect the conditions keeping this storm alive. Service providers are almost never clued in by the patient until months of treatment have passed as to what may be fueling eating disorder behaviors. No one case is alike, no recovery is the same, and no set outcome can ever be expected or are guaranteed. Eating disorders are a heterogeneous and multi-factorial group of psychological and biological disorders that are predisposed by the interaction of these and familial and social-cultural factors.

An eating disorder’s cure does not rest in the simple instruction of telling the individual to just eat or get over it. Many misunderstand out of frustration and helplessness as they watch a loved one go through this.

While biological factors predispose an individual to experience an eating disorder, they also hinder the ability of an individual to fully recover even when the will to do so is there. My goal is to help those afflicted by eating disorders on all sides of the fence. Anorexia is a lonely, scary, and imprisoning disorder, and many sufferers have no hope and see no end to its imprisonment. It becomes just a part of one’s being, like the very blood running through one’s body, so much so that if this war goes on long enough, an individual truly does not know who they are or how they would function without it. Sufferers not only need mental help, but also medical help to monitor physical risks and to help combat biological disturbances as soon as possible. Once it seeps in to the crevices of one’s being, it will more than likely be a lifetime battle.

My view of recovery may be much different than what you are used to hearing or reading by now. I do not believe that there is a single cure for anorexia or any other mental disorder, like alcoholism, anxiety disorders, etc. and can ravage the body like a disease. Recovery is not found in skills or techniques that are taught to be used to fight such things. These things can be easily understood but almost never faithfully enacted by individuals with co-occurring disorders. Individuals may claim to be following their treatment plan in order to please family and therapists; however, no one but the sufferer knows if tasks are truly being articulated. Those who want to recover from an eating disorder crave information about recovery and seek those with stories similar to their own, but no skills or techniques can effectively heal an individual until that individual has learned how to look out into life in totally new light and has committed to the hard work of recovery 110 percent.

It is a well-known fact that anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any of the mental illnesses and that only half of its victims fully recover. Many who suffer with an eating disorder will secretly hold on to pieces of it while at the same time claiming to be fighting for freedom from it. I knew the countless skills and techniques that presented the assumption to help me overcome my eating disorder. I fully comprehended what I was to do, but I just didn’t do it. I was afraid to let go. Even when I did carry out my therapist’s assignments or tasks, I was afraid to give up or, worse, forget that gnawing ache of comfort that would seep down my throat and line my stomach. I would follow instructions from doctors, therapists, and/or nutritionists sparingly and for some time to create the illusion of recovery, but I was far from being healed because I was afraid to be. That fear came from not knowing who I was or how to cope with the day-to-day and not so day-to-day aspects of life.

Those watching someone suffer with an eating disorder want to see that person free again. They want a loved one cured, and for some time, the sufferer can live up to those expectations. Unfortunately, individuals with eating disorders get only well enough to create that illusion of recovery as stated previously, still leaving them prone to ambush from their eating disorder. Relapse occurs because the disorder was never completely cured—only pacified into remission. When a disease or illness is cured, it does not linger in the essence of one’s being.

When a disease or illness is cured, it does not linger in the essence of one’s being, but anorexia is tricky, just like many diseases and addictions can be.

All of its characteristics and poisons are removed, leaving the person free to start anew. Anorexia can reappear at any time because its essence can linger in one’s bloodline for a lifetime. Again, it is critical that any suspicion of an eating disorder be treated as soon as possible.

Why is an eating disorder so difficult to recover from? There are many sparks that ignite the often long-burning fires of anorexia. Many times in therapy, sparks are missed, not brought forth, or not completely extinguished and begin to ignite again inside the individual. Many times the patient cannot speak of what is hurting inside. Sometimes, there are no words.

The habits that an anorexic employs through their eating disorder are endless, although some are more easily observed than others. These habits need to be broken in order for true recovery to even begin. Recovery will not happen if the individual holds on to even one disordered eating habit for security. Such habits include refusing to eat certain foods, food rituals, avoiding eating with certain individuals or with people altogether, moving food around on the plate, hiding food, secrecy around meals, shame around food and meals, fidgeting to burn calories, frequent weighing, overexercising, obsessive calorie counting, maintaining a low or borderline weight, etc.

Destructive emotions fuel these habits and lead the anorexic to a self-made cocoon where they feel safe using disordered eating behaviors to avoid, escape, self-punish, and isolate. It is the safety of this cocoon that keeps a patient from letting go