Listen

By Belinda van Heerden

In Galatians 5 verse 22 we read about the fruit of the spirit. Everything starts with love and love covers all. If you have love, there is joy in your soul and joy brings peace. Peace did and can reach a lot of goodness.

“Mark my words,” as Paul said in verse 2, “Do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery”. We slave ourselves into sadness with our sinful nature.

The author realised that her lifestyle of impurity, debauchery, idolatry, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and drunkenness, were ruining her life and those around her.

She longed for love and none of her decisions or efforts eased her pain; in fact, her life became worse by everything she tried or did. She messed up not only her life but her children were affected greatly by her choices too. Ultimately she ended up bitterly unhappy, unhealthy, broke and full of self-pity, resentment and ugliness. To gain strength and self-discipline again was hard, a path she knew she could only walk with faith in Christ. He helped her at her lowest point of life and her greatest breakthrough was from Him and with Him.

There is a message for every reader in this book. We make choices and have to live by them, but those choices do not have to overpower our lives and bring us daily miseries. Hope is in those who believe in it.

God is love. He is love and not our wealth, possessions and even family. We can lose everything easily, but God never forsakes or leaves us. If we have His love in us, we will also have the responsibility and discipline to make healthy decisions, not to destroy or harm each other. If we do mess up, He will walk us through the storms, teach us and set us right.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Belinda van Heerden
• Release date: Jan 24, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463928998

Book preview

Listen

Listen

No one can stand in your way of living,

unless you let them.

Belinda van Heerden

Copyright © 2018 Belinda van Heerden

Published by Belinda van Heerden Publishing at Smashwords

First edition 2018

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system without permission from the copyright holder.

The Author has made every effort to trace and acknowledge sources/resources/individuals. In the event that any images/information have been incorrectly attributed or credited, the Author will be pleased to rectify these omissions at the earliest opportunity.

Published by Belinda van Heerden using Reach Publishers’ services,

Edited by Colleen Figg for Reach Publishers

Cover designed by Reach Publishers

P O Box 1384, Wandsbeck, South Africa, 3631

Website: www.reachpublishers.co.za

E-mail: [e-mail]

Dedication

This book is for the best and dearest gift of my life, my children.

Mark 4: 23-25 - If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.

Then He said to them, ‘Take heed what you hear. With the same measure you use, it will be measured to you, and to you who hear, more will be given.’

Content

Dedication

Foreword

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Foreword

I am a woman who made many mistakes and those mistakes took me through a lot of pain, resentment and anger.

I was inspired by my youngest son to write this story. My story has been scattered in many diaries I kept over the years. What seemed impossible to me was driven by him, my son. With great motivation, he believed I could use it to make a difference. I thank him for believing in my ability to do so. At times I thought there was nothing I could do to uplift myself or my children.

To my first born I want to say thank you for giving me so much to pray about. When I look back, I realise how strong I was through prayer to remain standing. I then also realise how much damage I brought upon myself and my children; things which I cannot fix. However, this was all something that we faced, dealt with and most of all lived through; in the end though, we loved each other and left in the past, only taking the good with us. It was not easy dealing with it, but it was worth it. The bitterness was the most challenging thing I had to conquer. After much fighting and the many compromises we made, we found each other, and whatever our battles may be in future, we will look out for each other and our love will help us to overcome them.

My sons, you were both alone in a very difficult time of your lives, when you needed support and love. I was gone. I was weak. I left you all alone with all the emotions you had to deal with, and unanswered questions. The thought of that alone consumed me with guilt. We all collapsed, but we made a change and chose to rise again. I am very proud that you stood up, faced your failures and gave me the strength to build a better tomorrow with you.

Through all the difficulties I learned to trust and believe in our Lord, Jesus, more deeply and stronger than before.

Every character mentioned (even those not named) in this story had an impact on my life and the way in which I chose to live it.

By the time you, the reader, have read this book you will have a lot of critical thoughts, good or bad, about the characters, their situations, their choices and their mistakes. The purpose of this book is to help you see yourself in your own circumstances and make positive, healthy living decisions for yourself, to care for others. Some may find it irritating, because there are tragedies repeating themselves in this book; but then, this story is mine to tell. Getting irritated might trigger some positive reactions from you, which is good. I have told my story. If we can learn from each other, good; start writing your own story. We all still have a story to tell. We were made to listen and learn from one another.

The forces that affect our lives, such as problems, abuse, and humiliation, for example, mainly come from outside ourselves. We choose to live with these forces and they can even break or end one’s life. If you can use your own brokenness from inside and force it to the surface, for the better; great things can start to happen, as it starts from within you. A new life can start for you and others around you.

I was stuck in my emotions, wrapped in a cocoon, and after realising it I became calm and relaxed enough to observe and change. My situation was not gone but my problems became much easier to handle than before. Being your own watchman is not easy. Family, friends, and many other things that surround and affect you daily, take the focus on yourself away. You must be careful in every area of your life. You must stay strong and fill every step you take with strength. Your actions do not only affect you. Be careful and aware of whose life is a part of yours. We fail daily in our mistakes and this is where faith comes in. Imagine living a life where you fear most of the decisions you make. You cannot afford to be without faith and prayers.

To Women

This is to all the women in my life; women who raised me in so many ways. To a lot of my generation who put up with so much – mostly by placing everyone else first and themselves last – I’ve learned from you not to think, judge or live for myself. I was stuck on family traditional ways of doing things and the frustration of my own emotions. I’ve since found out how to become a better person and to make better decisions for my children to raise them to be responsible and emotionally strong, to fight for what they want and to believe in life. This is also a message for those women who were raised like me, who seemed to be doing fine for themselves but were left with loneliness as they were afraid of being used or abused by getting married; mostly due to the bad examples we had been shown.

As I see it, most of us are stuck in unhappiness. Some situations are better than others. With time, others worsen, but many end up like mine, each with their own story to tell. Mine was a story with a bitter end; a story of pain that was too much to bear. There was that small smidgeon of hope though, as we had to survive, stumble or fall; we never gave up. To all those broken promises, thank you for building me up and bringing out the survivor in me. I made the mistake of building everything around a dream, believing in all the man-made promises, but who was man to trust? God is the only and the greatest Giver and Provider.

This story is about my love for my family and the compromises which I made trying to be a good wife. Should I now say I should not have done this or that? If I were to say so, these words would be coming from a place of bitterness and anger. It is not good for any soul to say bad things about someone else after choosing to believe in what you hoped for in another. As it is written in 1 Corinthians 13, love can give you the right to do these things. Sometimes we let it occur because we believe we are stuck in a certain position. To hate ourselves for mistakes we made is also not the answer. So, I accept my past of a hell I brought upon myself, but as sure as God is alive, it is not part of my future. It is something to build on, not to live by. So, to all the women who feel alone, lost and in pain, here is something to read. I know a lot of you will say: I will never let that happen to me. Shh… I know, I’ve been there without realising it. I was abused, beaten, used, humiliated and enslaved into a situation, not seeing what others saw and even spoke to me about.

Many thought of me as a strong woman, but the fact is, I was weak. I could not and did not stand up for myself or my children. I spoke up in the company of my friends, colleagues and family saying that women should stand up for themselves. I was trying to hide my own demons, making a fool of myself by saying this. I did not want to admit that my children were experiencing the same struggles. I hid a lot from them. I hid a lot from my family. They bled for me and I kept on hurting them as I was drowning in my situation. I was a fool who thought love could overcome all. I lived daily with humiliation that led me to depression. Maybe it could have become easier, but not in the way I handled it; but then again, it did not matter what I did.

Love is not a one-man show; love is not only a saying. Saying without doing was like living with death itself. This gave me a lot to pray about but even prayer took a dip after everything I endured. No matter how much I tried to gain strength with the difficulties I experienced, I never had so much pain, trials and resentment in my life as the ones I brought upon myself by staying in a marriage where I was treated like garbage. I based my life on daily promises that were always filled with brokenness; they left me empty and sore inside, but it was I who chose to believe in this. I was left with enough strength to stand up, to face my situation and to forgive again and again.

Today, I can honestly say to myself, ‘Be more than a survivor in Christ’. I can and will overcome every obstacle and any difficulties better than I did before. If you are living from the breadcrumbs under your table and you think you are strong enough to hide until your time comes to enjoy your seat at the table, listen, listen to yourself, and speak to your soul. I’ve been there. Ask a higher force to save you. Have faith, pray and believe. You can and will do all things through Him who gives you strength, but you must believe!

Something to Think About

A therapist once asked me to pick a picture of an animal I like. I chose a horse; a wild horse.

He asked me, Why, why a wild one?

I answered, It is free; it does not need anyone to care for it and it has excellent survival skills.

What character features do you see in such an animal? came the next question.

Then: Most people choose the lion, the elephant—the big, strong survivors. Why this one for you?

He had me thinking. This animal always amazed me, whether it was in a film, an advert or a picture I saw. Their strong bodies and shiny coats…everything about them is perfect. Their movement is elegant, passionate, and strong, with a lot of character. Their manes and tails are glorious. Nature had outdone herself with the horse, I felt. Nothing about its body is out of proportion; from head to toe, the animal is perfectly built. It may not be as strong as an elephant, brave as a lion, or fast as a cheetah but still for me, its beauty outshines them all. It fights its battles just like all other species in the wild and it does not bother to chase after the others to survive. Are you relating to some of this? I hope so.

I’m more like a mouse, I said. Mostly, I’m in my own little corner, waiting to do my thing, unnoticed, so as not to bother others. I adapt to change, I do not complain, and I try to forget everything that’s going wrong. I’m never noticed, but people become aware of me by making a lot of noise when they see me. I’m little. I cannot do anything to them, but some of them scream when they noticed me. The best way to survive is not to be seen. I’m small, so hiding is not a problem, but surviving is.

This is how only some of us become beautiful and strong like a horse with much in ourselves on which we can build a wonderful life, but we let life’s struggles take it all away and we become like a mouse in a hole, hiding all the good away.

A Word of Thanks

To my children, thank you, thank you. I love you.

To people I know and who cared and shared their beliefs with me, I am so fortunate to have so many in my life knowing and praying for me. To each person, I thank God for giving you to me. My family and friends, our cell group, Torch of Flame, thank you for all the support. May His light shine upon you!

To children in my class and those I taught, you made my days with all your sayings, doings and troubles and kept me busy. All the little hands that gave me a sweet or a cookie, just to let me know how much you love me, it did wonders for me; especially when I was going through so many storms. You made me feel special. All of you who thought of me, thank you. I learnt a lot from you. I love you, thank you for all the times we had together. May our Father pour His blessings on you!

Our Heavenly Father, thank you for never leaving or forsaking me.

Chapter 1

Once she entered the small dark opening, a bad smell assaulted her nostrils; her mind was already lost with thoughts of what might have happened in there. Her son had been gone for a week. Her husband was angry at him and wanted nothing to do with him. Now, she is facing this dark entrance with fear. What lies inside this shack? she asked herself.

I am dying, were her thoughts on the day she gave birth to him. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t talk. She could only cry. She never felt such pain before. She only heard how sore it was to give birth. Now she was experiencing it.

Hold my hand please, she asked the young nurse, who felt sorry for her.

Can I call your husband? Is he waiting outside? the nurse asked. She was referring to their neighbour who brought her to the hospital.

No! she screamed, as the pain struck like a sharp knife.

I am not married. My boyfriend died a few months ago. For months Lynn thought about her unborn baby’s father and now her longing for him to comfort her was so big and she needed someone to tell her that it will be okay.

After five hours or more, her baby boy was born on his paternal grandmother’s birthday. As they showed him to her, she could hear in the doctor’s voice that something was wrong. They took him to the incubator.

Please Lord, she prayed. Please let him be fine. The little one was so active coming out that he swallowed some of the birth fluid. The doctors promised her he would be okay.

After a long sleep, she was awakened by noise. People were standing around her bed, including her late boyfriend’s family. Everyone looked for family features in her baby while she was busy with her own thoughts.

Did my mother feel the same hurt as I when she gave birth to me? she wondered. Is the same history of a baby born without a father repeating itself? I am not going to let Frankie grow up like me. With all the pain I felt as a child… if she only knew what lay ahead.

Lynn was brought up by her grandparents. She did not know her biological father and was about two years old when her mother married her stepfather, Joe. She was raised as the youngest by her grandparents who already had eight of their own children. She and three of her uncles and one aunt were raised as brothers and sisters. The other four were all married and living on their own, including her mother Lilly. Her grandparents worked most of the time. She remembered Corry, her godmother who carried her on her back, fed and raised her like her own child. She remembered how close she felt to this woman who meant so much to her. Corry was always there for her, she could not imagine herself without her. As she grew, she became aware of all the other people, her own parents, step-parents and family. From an early age, she was aware of her unusual situation in her family.

Her grandma used to say to her, If only I could give my hair to you. She compared her long, soft curly hair to Lynn’s that was short and frizzy. She did not mean any harm by saying it, but she never realised the awareness she created in a little girl’s mind.

Her grandpa shouted that he never wanted his child near ‘those people’, referring to her biological father. The remarks confused her even more as she did not understand the situation; it was never explained to her where or how she fitted into the family. Corry explained why she was raised by her grandparents. Her biological parents separated long before she was born. Lynn saw Lilly, her biological mother, once a month when she came by. They never spent time together, not much that she could remember.

You are too quiet, Corry used to say to her. You must speak up for yourself; I am not going to be here forever. Corry was her mentor; she shared everything with her. Corry taught her to do things for herself. Without noticing, she passed on her life lessons. She is not leaving. Why would she leave a child she raised? Lynn thought.

It was true, she did not speak much. She always wondered about what was said about her biological parents and the uncertainty of things she did not understand as a child. She did not clearly know the situation around her birth and her parents. All she heard was that her father had dumped her mother while she was pregnant. She was not allowed to go to her mother Lilly and step-father Joe’s house, without letting someone know. Joe never hid his feelings that he did not accept her as part of his family and they tried to protect her against it.

Corry was always singing while she washed and cleaned. She could not read or write, but she was one of the wisest women Lynn had ever known, and she felt blessed to be raised by her. She was as sharp as an axe, and she was one who never used much energy to sharpen her cutting edge. She used that sharpness to cut into all the right corners of Lynn’s life. In her own way Corry let Lynn understand why she looked different from her family members and why people were always asking her grannies whose child she