Freeing My Butterfly

By CABLE DICKERSON

 Freeing My Butterfly is about transforming into the best person you can be. So many people have been living in negativity and being led by anger, bitterness, resentment, depression and etc...Freeing My Butterfly helps you to see the beautiful butterfly thats inside in. The transformation a caterpillars goes through, not

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cable Dickerson
• Release date: Jun 30, 2018
• ISBN: 9781732527119

CABLE DICKERSON

Cable Dickerson is a United States Veteran who has a passion for hurting women and children. She is an Author and Playwright with a certification in the health field. Cable has been in numerous stage productions and love to motivate women however she can.

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How Did I Get Here

As I began to write this book, I started looking back over my journey of releasing my butterfly. I remembered the feeling of despair of not understanding how I got to the point to where I was lost and didn’t recognize myself. It appears, I blinked and all of a sudden, I was in this deep, dark place. My life hasn’t been bad all my life and even in all my heartbreaks and challenging times, I still was able to enjoy my life and have some really great times and memories. I was this strong, determined, positive, adventurous go-getter, so what happen to that girl. Where did I lose my power and my strength? I will tell you what happen. I made the mistake of allowing certain situations in my life to be ignored and pushed it under the rug. Then by the time I knew it, I was in this unwanted position.

Let me tell you something, you matter, what you think matters and how you feel matters! I am not saying we are always right, but I am saying what you feel and how you feel is worth acknowledging and having a conversation about. When we hide our feelings and continue to let things go we become resentful along with harboring hurt, pain, bitterness, anger or whatever negative emotion the situation caused us. Then we become a big ball of negative energy because that’s what’s inside us. We become easily frustrated, blowing up on innocent people and even falling into depression. You see I had most of, if not all of those emotions and I was sinking, gasping for air, trying to make it. No one even knew, except for the people closest to me. Like I stated before, you see I was the strong girl, taking care of everyone else, pouring into everyone else, never showing my emotions because I felt as though I had to always be strong.

After my healing process, I talked to people and asked why did they think people don’t check on me, why do everyone automatically think I am good? I always heard, it’s because you always act so tough, like nothing bothers you, you never ask for help and you do everything by yourself. Every time I heard that, I wanted to scream, so badly, at them and say So what, I am still human, I don’t want to be this strong all the time! I act this way because I have to! I get tired too, I don’t want to be so tough, but can someone show me they really care. Can someone not let me down and then maybe just maybe I can get some rest? Can I please get a me in my life? Can someone pour positivity into me like I do into everyone, can someone please do for me what I do for them? Most people fail to realize, most people who are really strong and independent, don’t want to be all the time but they have probably been let down so much that they protect themselves from disappointment by just depending on themselves. I am a true witness to that because my pain from my experiences had me trusting only myself and I put everyone in the same box. I am sure that there were people who would not let me down but at that time in my life I felt safer in my own care, so I refused other’s care. I couldn’t deal with anymore disappointment; it was just safer that way for me. When I say, How did I get Here?, where exactly is here? Here is a state of depression filled with sadness, bitterness, resentment, anger, etc.

Let’s talk about some of the definitions of these negative emotions I was going through to get a better look at what I was experiencing all at one time in my life. Below under the dictionary definition will also be the definition in my own words.

Sadness:

affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness

Mine: Sadness makes you feel down, you may not want to do anything but cry or sit around doing nothing.

Bitterness:

caused by or expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret

Mine: this emotion makes you sick, every time you think on the person or situation, you get disgusted and sick to your stomach. You can not stand to hear or see the person or think of the situation.

Depression:

(1) a state of feeling sad: dejection anger, anxiety, and depression

(2) a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies bouts of depression suffering from clinical depression

In my caterpillar state, I experienced Depression and I want to go a little deeper with this definition. This disorder is affecting many people and can be really scary and alarming. In my community (African American), it is not talked about a lot, and I really didn’t know that was what I was going through until it was almost to late. I just figured I was really sad, but I would get over it and it would go away on it’s on but oh was I wrong. Before I go into what caused my depression, and how I got it under control, let’s talk about what it was in my life. Depression is real, it was more than sadness. It was more than some tears and more than a day of feeling down and burdened. Depression is a deeply rooted uncontrollable sadness and cannot just go away in the blink of an eye. It is not here today and gone tomorrow, but it controls your life. Imagine yourself being sad 24 hours a day. It is uncontrollable tears, uncontrollable negative thoughts and a sense of unworthiness that makes you want to be isolated and it can also make suicide look like the only option. It is hard to laugh, hard to smile and hard to be happy. It is a fight to get up daily and to see beauty in something. I remember telling someone I felt as though I had a hole in me and no matter what I did and what activities I participated in, I just could not fill it up. A lot of people are suffering from depression and I want you to know you are not alone. I know it may feel like it sometimes but there are people who care, people who are going through it or who have been through the same thing and there are people who can help. Do not be ashamed to admit that something is wrong and you just can’t it handle on your own right now. The day I realized something might be wrong I went into denial, I didn’t understand how it had gotten to the point that I was sad all the time. I thought I had it all under control. Can you imagine the girl who had learned to always be in control was not in control any