Todd the King of Mars

By Todd Joseph Hill

Follow me, Todd the Divine, King of Mars, 259th of that Most Glorious of Names, as I lead you on this wonderful and delicious tour of my own awesome planet. From the depths of the Valles Marineris, across the vast seas of the Borealis Basin to the ultimate Peak of Olympus Mons, I will show you our diverse culinary culture. Told from the point of view of the most wonderful, awesome and benevolent leader of all time . . . me!! Let's go!!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tellwell Talent
• Release date: Dec 28, 2020
• ISBN: 9780228808947

Todd Joseph Hill

Todd is a wonderful, amazing, awesome, remarkable, talented, tremendous and, dare I say, phenomenal hoopy frood. I know this to be a true and honest description of me as I have conducted multiple interviews with myself in preparation for this bio. Even now I think back to each and every one of those interviews and still think to myself, "Wow, this man is fabulously magnificent!!"

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 by Todd Joseph Hill

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Tellwell Talent

www.tellwell.ca

ISBN

978-0-2288-0893-0 (Hardcover)

978-0-2288-0892-3 (Paperback)

978-0-2288-0894-7 (Ebook)

Table of Contents

Recipe Procession

Introduction

Part 1: The Royal Palace

Part 2: Greater Borgas Toddas

Part 3: The Royal Walkway, Syria Planum and Noctis Fossae

Intermission

The Royal Beard of the Todd: A Historical Moment

Part 4: The Valles Marineris

Part 5: Dancing Across the Borealis Basin

Part 6: Climbing the Volcanic Island of Olympus Mons

Intermission

A Historical Treatise on the War between the Crown and the Despicable Media Horde

Part 7: Port-Of-Callis and the Despicable Media Horde

Part 8: Phobos and Deimos Rising: Spirituality on the Tharsis Montes

Part 9: The Royal Forest

Part 10: Lesser Borgas Toddas and a Triumphant Return to the

Royal Palace

Appendix A

The Record of the Royal Line of Todd the Divine, King of Mars, 25⁹th of that Most Glorious of Names

Appendix B

High Martian Vocabulary and Laubrau Eenglish Translations

Recipe Procession

Beverages

Alcholic Oniccuppac (Alcoholic Cappuccino)

Arsia Otterama Cangoc Eeffoc (Amaretto Cognac Coffee)

Gongge (Eggnog)

Brabuhr Ekaceseehc Smoothie (Rhubarb Cheesecake Smoothie)

Nomel and Lasib Candied Nocab Martini (Lemon and Basil Candied Bacon Martini)

Martian Sunset (Martian Sunset)

Appetizers

Yrrehc Nocab Bombs (Cherry Bacon Bombs)

Otsep Baked Pollacs on a Otamot Concasse (Pesto Baked Scallops on a Tomato Concasse)

Olympus Mons Retsyos (Prairie Oysters)

Hope Bay Pan-Fried Pierogis (Hope Bay Pan-fried Pierogies)

Fresh Hope Bay Retsyos (Fresh Hope Bay Oysters)

Eltopihc, Pirmsh & Nroc Rissoles (Chipotle Shrimp & Corn Rissoles)

Soup & Salad

Walseloc (Coleslaw)

Freshwater Pmirhs Redwohc (Freshwater Shrimp Chowder)

Otatop Dalas (Potato Salad)

Capricious Dalas (Caprese Salad)

Freshwater Pmirhs Gumbo (Freshwater Shrimp Gumbo)

Torrac and Rebmucuc Dalas (Carrot and Cucumber Salad)

Bread

Traditional Fair-Day Stall Nubs (Traditional Fair-Day Stall Buns)

Sourdough Daerb (Sourdough Bread)

Kanajun Atip Daerb (Kanajun Pita Bread)

Kanajun Dorain

Greke Atip Dearb (Greek Pitas)

Sandwiches

Grilled Feeb Sandwiches (Grilled Hamburgers)

Kanajun Atip Daerb (Kanajun Pita Bread)

Greke Dorain Soryg (Greek Gyros Donair)

Mass Retsbol Rolls (Maine Lobster Rolls)

Breakfast

Gges Borgas-Toddas - Eggs Borgas-Toddas (Eggs Benedict with Blood Pudding)

Kedgeroo (Kedgeree)

Bastard Creeps (Crepes Benedict)

Main

Offspring ilihc (Offspring Chili)

Gnikep Kcud (Peking Duck)

Nisioh Sauce for the Gnikep Kcud (Hoisin Sauce for the Peking Duck)

Ekacnaps for the Gnikep Kcud (Mandarin Pancakes)

Pulled Gip (Pulled Pork)

Kilm Fed Laev Scaloppini with Alugura Dalas (Milk Fed Veal Scaloppini with Arugula Salad)

Royal Eternity Slow Roasted Tibbar (Slow Roasted Rabbit)

Roasted Royal Pheasant (Gobbler Turk) (Roast Turkey)

Pan-fried Reed with Esoog Revil (Venison Rossini)

Wobniar Tuort Stuffed with Nocab and Tnalpgge (Whole Rainbow Trout Stuffed with Bacon and Eggplant)

Nomlas with Two Reppep Sauces (Salmon with Two Pepper Sauces)

Royal Tibbar a la Hasenpfeffer (Royal Rabbit Hasenpfeffer)

Roasted Wild Kcud (Roasted Wild Duck)

Baked Peasant Pheasant with Elppa (Baked Pheasant with Apple)

Marinated and Grilled Elke Steaks (Marinated and Grilled Elk Steaks)

Stewed Anaugi (Stewed Iguana)

Roasted Grey and Red Spotted Anaugi (Roasted Iguana)

Baked Valles Marineris Elttar Ekans (Baked Rattlesnake)

Stewed Aob Rotcirtsnoc (Stewed Boa Constrictor)

Pan-Fried Black Bellied Groper (Pan-Fried Grouper)

Sun Fire Maui-Maui Sooshy Rolls and Iron Fire Anut Rolls (Sun Fire Mahi-Mahi Sushi Rolls and Iron Fire Tuna Rolls)

Marinated Royal Red Krahs Steak (Marinated Shark Steak)

Fresh Caught Royal Record Red Drunken Sharpnose Fish (Blackened Drunken Swordfish)

Loin of Gip LePourcelet (Pork loin LePourcelet)

Pavonis Nekchic (Pavonis Chicken)

Poached Freshwater Tuort with Smoky Argyre Otamot Mur Sauce (Poached Freshwater Trout with Smoky Rum Creole Sauce)

Boiled Ozzechewsetts Retsbol (Boiled Maine Lobster)

Baked Ozzechewsetts Retsbol (Baked Maine Lobster)

Eyebir Feeb-Steak Benetti (Ribeye Steak Benetti)

Feebstrokanoff (Beef Stroganoff)

Feebsteak Charlize (Beefsteak Charlize)

Escalopes de Roab con Espices y Herbes (Wild Boar Cutlets with Herbs and Spices)

Wild Roab Ragu (Wild Boar Ragu)

Spit Roasted Peasant Pheasant or Tibbar (Spit Roasted Pheasant or Rabbit)

The Legendary Nekcudrut (The Legendary North American Turducken)

Pan-Seared Reed Steaks with Mashed Otatops and Mixed Berry Sauce (Pan-Seared Deer Steaks with Mashed Potatoes and Mixed Berry Sauce)

Royal Reed Pates (West Indian Deer Patties)

Monlas En Croute (Salmon En Croute)

Roast Prime Bir of Reed - Roast Prime Rib of Deer (Venison)

Braised Montes Toag (Braised Mountain Goat)

Sides

Etatouillar (Ratatouille)

Iloccorb and Raddehc Risotto (Broccoli and Cheddar Risotto)

Long Grain Rice Filap with Pista Chios (Long Grain Rice Pilaf with Pistachios)

Sooshy Rice (Sushi Rice)

Otamot Baskets Stuffed with Otatop Risotto (Tomato Baskets Stuffed with Potato Risotto)

Scalloped Daerbfruit and Otatops w/ Raddehc (Scalloped Breadfruit and Potatoes w/ Cheddar)

Dessert

Glumberry Cobbler (Blueberry Cobbler)

Sweetberry and Razzberry Dratsuc Avolvap (Strawberry and Raspberry Custard Pavlova)

Ognam and Egnaro Dranby Clafoutis (Mango and Grande Marnier Clafoutis)

My Kingdom for an Elppa Pie (My Kingdom for an Apple Pie)

Bacon

Gorges Roab Nocab (Wild Boar Bacon)

Sauces and Seasoning

Fish Stock (Fish Stock)

Todd the Gourmet, King of Mars, 25th of that Most Glorious of Names’ Hot Reppep Sauce (Habanero Hot Pepper Sauce)

Five Toddspice (Five Spice Powder)

Egnaro Mur Sauce (Orange Rum Sauce)

Introduction

Hola! Let me be the first to welcome you to Mars and its wonderful and beautiful views, fantastic vistas, and bountiful, delicious cuisine. It is only proper that I welcome you, as I am the God-King of Mars by divine right (Praise Me!). As such, it is My duty, with the open arms of love and tolerance, to swing wide the doors of My cheerful world, where, if I haven’t created it, it hasn’t been created. That being said, let us commence…

Welcome to Mars. I hope you enjoy this tome. If you don’t, then please do let Me know, and I will not hesitate to send the Royal Persuasionists around (as I would hate for them to get bored).

In this, the First Royal Edition of My personal travel guide and cookbook, written wholly and singularly by Me (anyone who has entertained the thought of taking credit has been summarily shot and deleted from knowledgeable existence), I will introduce you to My realm and some of its more popular tourist attractions as well as the best our lovely planet has to offer culinarily.

We shall travel from the depths of the Valles Marineris to the peak of Olympus Mons before we dance across the Borealis Basin. You shall learn how to make religious peace offerings to Me under our two moons, Phobos and Deimos.

Together, we shall discover the best recipes for the gip, the most delicious animal on the entire planet; how to properly roast a tibbar; the proper use of lisab; My favourite version of klim fed laev; not to mention that most common and wonderful animal for cooking, the woc; among many other useful and tasty tidbits.

We shall dive into the depths of the seas and explore their delicious bounty such as the amazing anut and the deadly krahs. We shall also peer into the beauty of the freshwater lakes and rivers to witness the overflowing goodies such as the wobniar tuort and freshwater pmirhs.

The recipes we collect on our journey are not to be reproduced other than in your kitchen. This is due to the fact that they belong to My favourite chefs on Mars, and as such, solely to Me.

We shall learn about our past by studying the relics left behind by our ancient ancestral civilizations, such as the two prized possessions of My major history museum, Todd’s Museum of Infinitely Olde Stuff: the Mars Exploration Rover Opportunity and the Mars Science Laboratory Curiosity. These two relics from ages past prove how wonderfully intelligent our forefathers were. My scientists and priests are continually finding new ways of amazing Me with new data from these two miraculous archeological finds of Mine.

So sit back, open a reeb, pour yourself a glass of eniw or even a trop, and just remember my promise that if anything disastrous happens to Me, it will happen to you first.

Your Royal Host with the Most,

Todd the Divine,

The King of Mars,

259th of that Most Glorious of Names.

In Todd We Trust

P.S.

It has been brought to my attention by certain slaves members of My editorial staff that not everyone who acquires this tome may be able to read High Martian. Therefore, in order to make up for said people’s laziness, I have taken it upon Myself to translate all recipes into the common tongue of Laubrau Eenglish.

For any complaints, please see My Editorial Complaints Division located at the Persuasionist Akademy Recruitment Desk.

Praise Me.

Part 1

The Royal Palace

Welcome to the My humble abode, the Royal Palace of Todd the King of Mars. While My palace may seem large and imposing at first, it is only a reflection of My importance in and to Martian society. It is My place of work and used for guest entertainment/executions as well as being the home of My Queen and My priestesses, known as toddesses. On top of all that, it needs to be able to cater to My own humble needs.

The palace is centrally located between the Tharsis Montes and the Noctis Labyrinthus, which marks the beginning of the Valles Marineris. Standing atop the palace on the observatoire looking sorthe-weste to northe, one sees the extensive Royal Forest with the Three Sisters that make up the Tharsis Montes, a trio of volcanoes rising majestically in the background. With Pavonis in the centre, Ascreaus to the northe and Arsia to the sorthe, there is hardly a more dramatic view to be had on Mars, especially if the ladies are smoking!

Looking around from the northe-este to the sorthe-este, one sees the Noctis Fossae and the Syria Planum split by the Gates of the Noctis Labyrinthus. In between the Royal Palace and the Gates is, of course, the Royal Walkway.

Taking the circular gravitator down from the observatoire gives one a wonderful perspective of not only the size, but also the grandeur of the Royal Palace, as the observatoire is the highest point set in the central palatial spire. Where the circular gravitator meets each of the one hundred plus levels there are exits onto slipways that lead off into different areas of the Royal Palace, the highest being the royal meditation chambers, My kipping chambers and the Queen’s personal chambers. Next are the toddesses’ quarters, as they need to be close by in case my Queen decides she is too indisposed to meditate when the religious fervour hits Me.

Then there are the royal baths, large bathing pools continually being filled with warm to hot, lightly scented water. The toddesses, of course, are ready to bathe My Queen, each other, or Myself as necessary, or requested.

Each of these levels is lavishly decorated in order to alleviate all the stress of daily management of the planet and ritual spiritual meditation. The beds are of the highest quality; as well, there are sitting rooms fitted with furniture of the most comfortable nature; the libraries are filled with texts spanning from the beginning of the nine thousand years of written Martian history, including relics from Todd the Chef, King of Mars, Zeroth of that Most Glorious of Names, up to the most recent and contemporary authors of today.

There are also several levels dedicated to personal media rooms with holo-vids, personal holo-fones, and PCDs (Personal Computational Devices [running the latest software of Doors DCCCXC]) to help anyone and everyone stave off the odd bout of boredom they might be experiencing. As well, the walls of all the private levels are hung with paintings and portraits of the previous 258 King Todd of Mars’ and Their consorts throughout Their personal ascendancies and meditations, not to mention more than a few of My Queen and Me.

The level below the toddesses is the royal private kitchen designed solely for providing informal meals should I, or My Queen, be too tired from meditations or socializations to be bothered to go down to the royal feasting hall for a meal.

Also, except for when they accompany Us on our bi-annual Tour de Mars, the toddesses rarely travel below their level. As has been said before, they must be ready for meditation at a moments notice, and so, out of necessity, they eat solely from the royal private kitchen.

Below this are the watch levels reserved for the Crimson Shield, My most prized, deadly and above all else, loyal of guardsmen. They are ready to lay down their lives in defense of My Queen, My toddesses and Me, though not necessarily in that order. Their crimson and black livery distinguishes these guardsmen who, together with the royal palatial spire guardsmen, form My personal guard.

All levels from the Crimson Shield watch level upwards can easily be sealed off in the unfortunate event of the Despicable Media Horde actually getting this far into the palace in search of interviews, holo-pictuals, royal blood samples and other dark details too horrifying to think about. We will discuss the aptly named Despicable Media Horde more in due time.

Below this are a dozen or so levels dedicated to honoured guests and their consorts. These levels are relatively luxurious and decorated with holo-pictuals of visits by My Queen and Me to different parts of Mars. This area includes baths for said guests complete with portraits of My Queen and Me in vigorous meditations. Also included are several arcade levels where visiting guests have the chance to spend their hard-earned dosh on gifts for their loved ones back home or to visit one of the many OpenDoors Centres to buy upgrades for their PCDs. You can watch the latest in holo-vids in My state-of-the-art theatre featuring thirty separate jumbo holo-vid screens or test your skills in the royal sport of jai alai in the largest set of jai alai courts on the planet.

Just below these levels are the chillen care facilities where adults leave their chillen when they arrive at the palace and pick them up when they leave. There are plenty of activities for the chillen to participate in while the adults peruse My palace in total freedom. (Please note that it is an HLO [Head-Lopping-Off] offence to leave your chillen in the palace when you leave, so please remember to pick them up. Should you leave without them you will be arrested and they will be put into our Persuasionist Akademy. Your chillen will then be taught to hate