The Lists

By Wetdryvac

This is a list of possible story, article, and report titles written between 1991 and 1997. It is childish, horrible, depraved, and unfortunate in every way, which probably explains several near fatalities during reading events. Do not read this aloud near people who are eating, drinking, or using heavy machinery. It contains humor both high and low, references scatological and intellectual, and at least three serious papers have been written using titles herein as their own.

This is not a good thing.

On the up-side, the Vac has been told that it's funny. It would suggest you make your own choice, but that would imply reading some of the list items - and the Vac isn't terribly sure that's a good plan.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Apr 22, 2020
• ISBN: 9781716051708

Wetdryvac

Wetdryvac: A non-gendered mechanical contrivance designed specifically for interactions with humans driven by preconception, with the thus-far successful goal of rendering such preconceptions wompsie-sideways. Currently operating out of New England, wetdryvac.net, and similarly friendly locales.

Book preview

The Lists

The Lists

This is a work of fiction. All events and characters portrayed in this book are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. And thank goodness for that.

Copyright © 2020 by Wetdryvac

Originally published in 1998 by Nhillium Incorporated

Foreword

Once upon a time, deep in the woods, there lived a very confused vac. It had rather a lot of time on its hands and, thinking it a good thing, wrote poems, articles, and such. Every now and then, deep in the woods, it would get in trouble for one of the titles used on a poem, an article, or some other piece of written something.

In typical free associative manner, it decided that since it seemed to be amusing people with this stuff, it would write a few of them down. In high school, it discovered some friends on a similar bent, it thought. In a terrible spate of humor, they were writing down rather a large number of titles they had come up with on their own. It thought.

Unaware of the fame of George Carlin, and already possessed of a list of several dozen titles almost guaranteed to enrage teachers, it began putting together a list of all these amusing ideas.

In college, bored to tears with the less clever programming course it was stuck in, it entered all the items on the list into a program, numbered them, and passed them around to people who really shouldn't have been reading material of that nature while eating.

In 1996, it heard its first George Carlin sketch – Join the Book Club. Swearing ensued. Then, because it preferred originality – and finally realized that its friends were only collecting material they loved, not creating new – it carefully went through the lists and culled materials it hadn’t written itself. At that time, there were three of them at 1001 items apiece. Rather than take any risk, it chopped all 300 with pain and sadness, leaving 2600 items. Not much of a list, or, frankly, much of a math demonstration, and far too late for whistling up free phone calls.

Thinking back to the numbered program, it got bored again, dropped the list items to SQL, chunked the output out to text with numbers, and called it a day.

Jump forward to today.

The lists have been making their rounds of friends, many of whom said, You really should do something with these. To which the vac replied, OK, I shall. This, then, is the result.

It’s childish, horrible, offensive, and has nearly killed people who read it while eating. The vac has been told this is a recommendation.

The first list, sans 299

List for the masses (uninventive sheep unite!)

300) Four Vegetables That Are Too Disgusting To Taste

301) Sitting In A Puddle Of Something Awful

302) Some New Reasons Not To Eat Yogurt

303) Things That Wiggle

304) Some Other Inhabitants Of Your Body

305) No! Not There! Argh!

306) Flayed Salamander For Supper Again

307) One Of Those Mornings When You Just Want To Kill

308) Some Very Good Reasons Not To Tie Your Shoes Together

309) Don't Touch Me, I Don't Know Where You've Been

310) Is This A Piece Of Your Leg?

311) How To Clean Elbow Grease

312) French Poodles And Chippers The Hidden Connection

313) He Hate... Uh, Never Mind

314) What Does Your Face Resemble

315) Shampoo? No, Only The Real Stuff For Me

316) The Popup Sword Book

317) A Bed Of Nails And You My Love

318) What A Mess I've Phlegmed

319) But I Want To Touch It Frank

320) A Creative Way Of Getting In To It

321) Brushing The Teeth Of Your Pet Fish

322) Eating Rocks

323) The Barfomatic 305 Construction Manual

324) Attack Of The Satanic Pumpkin Patch

325) One Eyed Philbert, And His Loyal Band

326) How To Chew Your Cud

327) How To Cook Used Spleen

328) I Kissed My Prince And He Turned Into A Salamander

329) Biking Sideways In Heavy Traffic

330) Pull-Ups With Your Tongue

331) Black Clothed Pedestrian In The Street At Night

332) Bugs And Bugs And Bugs

333) A Dictionary Of Perverted Synonyms

334) Angel Falls And Me In My Rowboat

335) Fun With Krazy Glue

336) Bicycle Karate For The Beginner

337) Ten Dead People You Don't Know

338) Using Fire To Shave

339) Death By Boola Boola

340) Coffin Speaker Construction

341) How To Turn Your Face Inside Out

342) How To Prolapse Parts Of Your Body

343) Ice Skating On Open Water

344) The Low Pressure System In Your Brain

345) 2000 Identical Marching Tunes You Really Hate

346) Tablature For Elevator Music

347) Another Way To Perform The 1812 Overture

348) Things That Get Hard In The Night

349) On The Rag With A Piece Of Bread

350) The New Game Show: Phlegm For Money

351) Swamp Thing: The Smeg Version

352) Rubber Dentures

353) Mountain Bikes And Mountain Dykes

354) Spontaneous Combustion

355) Vacuum Cleaner Blow Job

356) Lobotomy With A Dull Butter Knife

357) Why Your Lips Don't Leave Your Face

358) How To Clap Your Cheeks

359) What Never To Do With A Banana

360) Why Limb Removal Feels That Way

361) How To Re-Eat Your Lunch

362) How To Loose You Mind And Find It Again In Five Minutes

363) How To Inflate A Tiger

364) What Happens When You Inflate A Tiger

365) How To Drink A Dog

366) Snorting Gravel For Pleasure

367) How To Blow Snot Bubbles

368) Construction Projects With Dead Skin

369) What's What In Competitive Fingernail Biting

370) Bathtub Physics: Bubbles, Troubles And Tsunamis

371) Break dancing Maneuvers You Have Never Heard Of

372) Bug Bouncing For The Extraverted Idiot

373) How To Incinerate A June Bug

374) How To Kill Yourself In A Straight Jacket And In A Padded Room

375) Plop Plop What Is That Noise I Hear

376) Partying For The Introvert

377) Simple Calculations You Can't Use Your Calculator For

378) Fifteen Things You Don't Want To Know

379) The Chest Hair Salons Of The Midwest

380) 100 Ways To Piss Off A Tree

381) How To Go In Public

382) Blinking: The Lighter Side Of The Flash

383) Men Who Name Their Genitals

384) Things That Will Get You Killed In Foreign Countries

385) Get Full Use Of Your Waste Products

386) How To Melt Metal And Other Things Between Your Cheeks

387) The Relation Between Dan Quayle And His Rattles

388) How To Cough Up A Cheeseburger, Whole

389) How To Count The Change In Your Pockets