Girl, Get Out!: How to Leave a Narcissist and Keep Your Kids, Money, Sanity and Soul

By Laura Charanza

Laura Charanza grew up struggling with narcissists then married one. For five years before leaving her abusive husband she planned and strategized. What took Laura five years to learn, you can in 200 pages. Find out how to safely leave a toxic relationship with a narcissist, and not just survive, but thrive! From choosing an attorney to documenting abuse, Laura teaches you her proven methods of getting out, whole, happy and recovered.

Do you feel like you can't leave, and if you do, you don't even know where to go? Laura Charanza, the Amazon Best-Selling Author of "Ugly Love: A Survivor's Story of Narcissistic Abuse," has a roadmap to help you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 20, 2020
• ISBN: 9781098329358

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© 2020 Laura Charanza All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

ISBN 978-1-09832-934-1 eBook 978-1-09832-935-8

Disclaimer:

The events in this book are portrayed to the best of my memory. While this is a work of nonfiction and all the stories in this book are true, some names and other details have been altered to protect the privacy of those involved.

For Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

Contents

Introduction

Should I Stay, or Should I Go?

The Most Important Voice

Myths That Keep Us Stuck

Paper It Up

Find a Bulldog Who Knows When to Bite

Filing for Divorce

It’s About the Money, Honey

Don’t Be the Lone Ranger

Protecting Your Kids

Co-parenting for Healthy kids

Don’t Discount the Danger

Navigating the First Year

Breaking the Trauma Bonds and

Finding Yourself Again

True Love Starts with You

God Has You in the Palm of His Hand

My Prayer for You

Survivor Stories

Acknowledgments

Books

Resources

Introduction

This is a book you’ll want to put between your mattresses, much like you did your diary when you were thirteen. These are the secrets to leaving a narcissist that will help you get away without losing your sanity, kids, money and soul. You’ll have a roadmap to peace. In fact, you have a great life waiting for you on the other side! This process is difficult, but the reward is priceless.

I left the narcissist five years ago. If you had asked me then where I would be few years later, I wouldn’t have dreamed my life would look like it does. To understand where I am now, and how different my life is, let’s look at a snapshot of what life was like with a narcissist.

My previous book Ugly Love outlines the entire story of my toxic union. In a nutshell, there was gaslighting, passive aggressiveness, word salad, ghosting, isolation, infidelity and more. I felt like I was going crazy, and no one believed the hell I was living in. I had insomnia, depression and anxiety that culminated in panic attacks at inopportune times, like in the middle seat of a commercial flight.

The abuse didn’t affect just me. My son had to be perfect, too. The pressure was enormous, and neither of us was ever good enough. I was told I didn’t measure up as a wife or mother. Connor didn’t meet the narcissist’s impossible standards whether it was regarding basketball, academics or friendships. Connor had persistent stomachaches, and a specialist ultimately ordered an endoscopy to figure out what was causing his debilitating pain. The test showed no problems. As Connor’s mom, I knew the truth: it was the stress at home.

Today, I’m no longer walking on eggshells, and I don’t struggle to hit the moving target of the narcissist’s unrealistic expectations. I no longer cry myself to sleep at night. During the day, I hear my son’s laughter echoing off the walls of our home. At bedtime, my head hits the pillow in peace.

In fact, I am a different person than I was five years ago. The broken shell of a woman is gone. The co-dependent, meek and glum me no longer exists. I have confidence, self-esteem and a backbone. I am still sympathetic, compassionate and generous with those that are closest to me, yet I don’t tolerate abusive behavior from anyone: friends, family or strangers. My son heard me stand up for myself the other day and he said, Dang, Mom. Way to go!

My son and I live in a suburb of Dallas, near DFW airport. We live right across the street from my son’s middle school; the location makes it convenient for travelling to work as well. Our neighborhood is safe and full of good people. I have a tribe of some of the best friends in my life. When one of us is sick, someone always steps in to take care of us. These are friends I can call day or night, whether it’s to laugh or cry.

The biggest change from my old life is my home. My house now is full of love and laughter. Our little family consists of my fourteen-year-old son named Connor, a four-year-old Goldendoodle named Maggie and a two-year-old labradoodle named Charlie.

Connor is a kind, empathetic soul who is full of self-deprecating humor. He’s a skilled athlete who enjoys basketball, lacrosse and any other sport involving a ball. If I would allow it, school would not be on his agenda. This boy is always looking for the next fun thing to do!

That said, our home draws his teenage friends over after school and in the summer. My pantry, usually full of snacks and drinks, is often decimated in a matter of minutes. Our vacations are almost always with other families and a gaggle of teenagers. I’ve learned the hard way what an Axe bomb is, what Takis taste like and that teenage boys love to wear lots of cologne and then fart at the same time. They prefer to do this when the car windows are rolled up and it’s 30 degrees outside.

The dogs are important to me because they offer unconditional love, the type a narcissist cannot give. Maggie is a sweet, blonde, fuzzy dog with a sunny disposition. She prances, rather than walks. Maggie is the alpha dog who steals her companion’s bone while she finishes her own. Charlie is a chocolate-colored, curly mess, with huge paws and a penchant for the FedEx man. When the doorbell rings, he runs full speed, across the wood floors, never slowing down. He awkwardly slides on the slick surface, comes off his four paws and slams into the door. Mr. FedEx typically jumps back four feet. If it is a friend coming by who is brave enough to venture inside, then they better be prepared for sloppy dog kisses.

I am often asked about men. Are you dating? Yes, I date a lot, and I’ve had three serious boyfriends since my divorce. I fell in love with two of them, and I am currently seeing some great men. As I write this book, we are still under the shelter-in-place mandate due to the coronavirus. I even had one of the guys I know volunteer to bring my son an additional half gallon of chocolate milk, since milk purchases are limited right now. That was much appreciated. (A way to a mother’s heart is through her kids, right?)

Unfortunately, it took a difficult marriage and decades of abuse to get to this place of peace and love. During my time with a narcissist, the abuse whittled my self-esteem and confidence down to nothing. Like most abuse survivors have experienced, I felt like something was wrong with me. I believed I was intrinsically broken, beyond repair.

I began preparing to leave the narcissist in 2010 but didn’t file for divorce until May 2015. Over those five years, I met with two counselors, five family law attorneys, a few police officers, numerous church leaders and dozens of abuse survivors. I consulted with Leslie Vernick, a licensed clinical social worker, survivor, author and a Christian, who has made it her mission to help women find solutions to toxic relationships. I even called the national domestic abuse hotline one morning when I was at my lowest. The woman on the other end listened and offered suggestions and comfort as we spoke about how to leave safely.

This is a book not for the faint hearted or someone who wants to play nice. This book contains tough love. Tough love is still love! I am a straight shooter, because when you are divorcing a narcissist, you need honesty. You are going to have to warrior up. It’s required that you fight. You will learn to think three steps ahead of the narcissist. But guess what? You can. You’ve been with the narcissist for days, years or even decades, so you can predict almost every move he or she makes. You will learn to use the narcissist’s predictability to your advantage.

In this book I’ll teach you how to:

Learn if or when it’s time to leave.

Document the abuse now to guarantee power in the future.

Stop isolating and start finding people who will support you each step of the way.

Find a tough attorney who understands narcissism.

Save money and not lose everything you have in a divorce.

Protect yourself and your kids before, during, and after the divorce.

Prepare for the fight of your life.

Understand the different types of divorce and what works best for your situation.

Get yourself back by breaking trauma bonds and finding your joy again.

Find new friends and maybe a new neighborhood.

Raise healthy kids after a divorce.

Answer questions from church leaders about divorce.

I’m going to interweave stories from my years with a narcissist in this book. I’m not complaining but sharing them, so you know you are not alone. I’ve done so much hard work to heal that telling these stories now makes me feel sorry for the woman who believed in this man, and in the fairy tale he promised.

After the love bombing is over, a narcissist’s main goal is to instill guilt and impart unhealthy loyalty in those that fall in love with them. That’s how they maintain control. Once we are broken down to almost nothing, we are even lucky to figure it out. That’s where this book comes in. It can be your saving grace. It can be your life savior.

I hope you’ll take a deep breath and bring out your highlighter and notepad. Let me teach you as you read ahead what it took me five years to learn.

Girl, you’ve got this.

Chapter 1

Should I Stay, or Should I Go?

I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry and accept an apology I never received.

- Unknown

There are two ways in which I left the narcissist for good. I know that doesn’t sound like it makes sense, so let me explain. I first left the narcissist emotionally, then physically.

The emotional degradation of one’s self when you live with a narcissist occurs over the years. The love bombing hooks you; then the gaslighting, triangulation and passive aggressiveness chip away at your identity and soul.

Five years before my marriage ended, I began sleeping upstairs in the guest room on a regular basis. A few years later, I was living there full-time, either sleeping in the guest room or in my son’s bunk bed. Staying in my little boy’s room was my armor against the rages that would happen when the narcissist needed to punish me for something.

Around this time of my marriage, I was having physical issues from the stress. I had several panic attacks, and the worst one happened on a flight from Denver to Dallas. I thought I was dying. A woman next to me held my hand and mopped my face with a cold towel. She told me this was a sign that I needed to simplify my life.

I wasn’t the only one hurting. My son was having persistent stomachaches, and he had been through extensive testing at Dallas Children’s Medical Center to diagnose the problem. The physicians couldn’t find any reason for his pain, but I knew why he constantly hurt: it was the stress of a toxic home environment.

It all made sense when one night, while I sobbed on the phone to my best friend that I might be in an abusive marriage. My friend said, Honey, you need to get a book on abuse. Go inside right now and download a book on your Kindle.

I downloaded Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. The book opened my eyes. This was my life he was talking about! Over the next several years, I knew I couldn’t survive a marriage like the one I was in, emotionally or physically.

I began saving money and documenting the abuse. I found the courage to meet with a divorce attorney and cried through the hour-long meeting. I began looking at rental houses and apartments online. I began collecting whatever information I could about building my finances.

I did this all on my own because I didn’t have friends or family to turn to. My husband had doubled down on my relationships. Shane had turned my closest confidants against me, while also turning me against them. (Laura, they don’t really like you, Shane would tell me. They are just fakers, he would say.) I was trapped, isolated and completely alone.

By 2015, things had reached the worst till date. Shane would rage often, ordering me to sit in this paisley chair in the living room that I called the punishment chair. He would circle me, ranting and raving about what a terrible person and mother I was.

You see, in 2010, I had an affair. I met a guy at the gym who also attended my church. He was recently divorced, and I was living in hell. The affair wasn’t right, and I will never do it again. The guilt is still with me today. I broke it off after six months and worked harder than ever at my marriage. The trouble is when you have an affair while married to a narcissist, the punishment goes on forever. Narcissists don’t forgive.

The emotional breaking point came in 2015. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in May, and we had just returned home from church. I was sitting at the kitchen table, looking out the large window, watching my son and his buddy play in the backyard. I had my laptop open to my work emails, but I was distracted by the giggles of two eight-year-old boys.

The narcissist came by and said, What are you doing? Emailing your boyfriends?

Something came over me. First, there was a flash of anger, then a profound peace. All the years of abuse had culminated in those two questions, and I knew I was done. I realized that I didn’t have to live this way anymore. I looked at Shane and said, Get out.

Shane smirked and told me, Oh, you’ll be begging me to come home tomorrow, but I’ll give you your space or whatever it is you think you need.

He took a small suitcase and left for his friend’s house.

The next morning, I called the attorney and calmly said, I am ready to file for divorce.

The next sixty-one days were hell. Shane would break the rules outlined in the legal temporary orders and show up unannounced. He would scream and yell at me. I would leave the house for work in tears.

He also badmouthed me to our friends. He told them, and our neighbors, that I was a terrible mom for destroying our family. He said I would never make it on my own.

A few months later, on a hot July day in Texas, the divorce was finalized. What a whirlwind that time was! From July 1st through 16th, I had started a new job, gotten a divorce and packed up my life into twenty boxes or so. It was also the day the divorce decree said my son and I were to move out of the marital home.

I had boxes stacked by the front door but was hardly taking any furniture. The narcissist said the furniture was all his, and I didn’t want the memories anyway. The professional photographs of my son (I paid for every single one of them) were safely hidden in a storage facility, except for one. It was a photo of Connor on the beach, laughing and kicking water at the camera.

The movers arrived early that morning and began loading. While they were packing the truck, Shane asked me one more time to stay. He began to cry and beg and said he would change.

You’ve had sixteen years to change, Shane, I told