Mental Health Matters

By Lithakazi Soshankana

Tragic events have happened in my life and a collection of these led to my diagnosis of depression. I come from a broken home, where my father was an abusive husband who almost killed my mother. After my parents' divorce, my mother acted like she did not want any of us, having my sister stay in boarding school and I moving around from relative to relative. This left me feeling unwanted and unloved.
My first boyfriend gave me a bad experience of dating and I went through my relationships trying to prove a point - I was the best thing that could happen to a person. I already had insecurities due to my upbringing and my boyfriend just proved what I already believed about myself.
I talk about how I was sexually assaulted at home where I was supposed to be safe, by a family member. Falling pregnant with my first baby straight out of high school. Going through a traumatic birthing experience with my second child resulting in PTSD.
Eventually I was diagnosed with depression and I talk about the lessons I have learnt since I started my journey of healing and the medication that has helped me cope.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lithakazi Soshankana
• Release date: Dec 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463775905

Book preview

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LITHAKAZI SOSHANKANA Mental Health Matters

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Lessons for self-improvement

Copyright © 2019 by Lithakazi Soshankana All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

Lithakazi Soshankana has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-party Internet Websites referred to in this publication and does not guarantee that any content on such Websites is, or will remain, accurate or appropriate.

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I want to go back

Back to when I was a child

When I could forgive easily

When I would watch his hands

Smash into her body

Then forgive

I want to go back

Back to being a virgin

Before the sexual assault

Before I hated the very image of myself

Before he made me feel dirty

My own flesh and blood

I want to go back

Back to when my smile was real

My hustle was clear

My future made sense

But I can’t go back

I’m stuck then

In hopelessness, despair In fear

In confusion

In death

Lithakazi Soshankana

Contents

DEPRESSION

1

THE DEFINING ASPECTS OF MY LIFE

5

Domestic abuse: a hostile home

5

Prayer

9

Moving in with grandparents

10

The Divorce

11

Being kicked off the team

12

Sexual assault

12

Relationship with my mother

17

My first boyfriend

18

My second child

19

The University of Cape Town

24

In Summary

24

My examination

25

THE DEFINING CHOICES

27

THE SIX PIVOTAL PEOPLE

30

Mother

30

Father

30

Leroy

31

Junior

31

Nicky: ex-girlfriend

31

Renee

32

LESSONS LEARNT

34

Spreading love

34

Highly Sensitive Person

49

Relationship matters: expectations

50

He won’t know unless you tell him

53

Forgiveness

55

BE HAPPY

59

Happiness is not out there

61

Set goals, Live a life of purpose

63

Protect your peace

65

You are a Masterpiece in progress

67

MEDICATION

69

Antidepressants

74

Antipsychotics

76

Contacts

77

Notes

78

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One

DEPRESSION

According to the World Health Organisation, more than 300

million people worldwide are suffering from depression. More women than men are affected by depression and I happen to be one of those women. When I was first diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety, I was happy. Not happy because I was ill, but glad that what was wrong with me had a name and other people were going through it; it meant I was not alone. For a long time, I asked myself what was wrong with me and not knowing led to further frustration. I wasn’t happy and I did not feel like a good person. I felt like I had demons and they were holding me back from being the best I could be. I lost interest in everything; I had to push myself to get through the day, not because I wanted to, but I knew I had to. Getting out of 1

Mental Health Matters (1) bed took too much effort. My body felt heavy and walking hurt.

A counsellor from the South African Depression and Anxiety Group had told me that on the days I did not feel like getting up, those are the days I had to get up because it is easy to end up feeling suicidal but pushing myself started to feel like it was just making matters worse. Trying to be okay when I was not okay was mentally exhausting. It got to a point when I felt like death would be better. One of the things that really pushed me to seek help was when I started feeling like quitting school. I love studying so much that I could do it for the rest of my life if I could get paid for it, so that was just a red flag for me. I was barely functional, and I could not focus on my school work.

Not being able to focus made matters worse because I started panicking, feeling like I am doomed for failure. I constantly wanted to sleep but never felt rested.

I thought of going to therapy numerous times, but I was scared, scared of what I would learn. I kept coming up with excuses as to why I shouldn’t see a psychologist. I would tell myself, on days when I felt better, that I did not need therapy as I was doing just fine. But I was lying to myself. I eventually decided to give it a try. I booked an appointment with the University of Cape Town student wellness and went on to have 10 sessions with the assigned clinical psychologist who gave me a preliminary diagnosis of major depressive disorder. I attended one session per week of therapy, but I was worried it was not adequate for me. I started to feel like hospitalisation was what I needed because I was overwhelmed at home. Having to come home to a noisy environment, having to continue being a good mother regardless of how low I was feeling was a bit too much for me. A simple disagreement with my boyfriend would get out of hand and become a big deal. I could not handle 2

DEPRESSION

things well which made me feel even more like being secluded from people to give myself a chance to recuperate. There were days when I wouldn’t even feel like talking. I was so tired of feeling terrible and not knowing why I felt that way. I felt like I was going crazy with a million thoughts running through my head but simultaneously feeling like I couldn’t think of nothing else other than the fact that I was in a bad space. I was frustrated by my inability to do anything for myself to make the situation better. One minute I would feel like I just want to be left alone, the next I would feel like I need so much love. I was a walking paradox, I wanted to shut down. I started having passive suicidal ideations. It did not seem like therapy was helping me much. I also started to become forgetful. I would go into a room and not know why I was there or start a sentence but fail to finish it because I forgot what