Elusive Identity: I've been there too, darl, #2

By Karletta Abianac

"A few months after going back to (being) Karletta, and for the second time in my adult life, I had no idea how to define myself. I felt like a blank slate. (Being) Karl felt like a story I'd heard about once. My past was irrelevant. My future would be a bunch of creative acts."

Masking. Blindly trusting. Losing a sense of self. Creating an Identity. 

Karletta finds herself without a sense of self at times. It can launch a new way of experiencing life. 

Get an insiders view of the joys and reasons for recreating an identity from scratch. Learn how trust, purpose, and certainly play a big role in times when Karletta is feeling directionless and disconnected to her values.  This is also a memoir about intentionally recreating a vision of herself into "Stunning Goddess".

Elusive Identity is the second memoir in the 'I've been there too, Darl' Autism memoir series. The third book is being written.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Karletta Abianac
• Release date: Aug 25, 2019
• ISBN: 9781925955064

Book preview

Elusive Identity:

The Autism Spectrum and Recreating a Sense of Identity

by Karletta Abianac

The circumstances and conversations are recalled to the best of the author's ability. Errors are purely unintentional or to protect identities.

Copyright © 2016 by Karletta Abianac. All rights reserved. All marketing and publishing rights guaranteed to and reserved by Karletta Abianac. No part of this book may be reproduced and sold in any manner whatsoever without written permission of Karletta Abianac. You may republish excerpts online, embodied in reviews and discussions.

ISBN-13: 978-1-925955-06-4

Cover page images taken by or as requested by Karletta Abianac

Abianac, Karletta

Elusive Identity: The Autism Spectrum and Maintaining a Sense of Identity / Karletta Abianac

Biography & Autobiography > People with disabilities

Biography & Autobiography > Women

First Edition

15,200 words

Introduction

Masking. Blindly trusting. Losing a sense of self. Creating an Identity.

Karletta finds herself without a sense of self at times. It can launch a new way of experiencing life.

Get an insider's view of the joys and reasons for recreating an identity from scratch.

This is a memoir about having an elusive self-identity and recreating a sense of self.

Elusive Identity is the second book in the 'I've been there too Darl' Autism memoir series.

You can keep updated on Karletta's writing and provide feedback on future books through her email list at http://eepurl.com/cBDCmH

Recreating Myself

Intro

This memoir is about times of not having a sense of identity, and recreating my identity over and over again.

Sometimes I mimic others, am a chameleon, and mask my feelings and Autism challenges. I have recreated my personality and identity a number of times, including living as a male, while experiencing Gender Dysphoria.

***

My name is Karletta and I have Autism. I was diagnosed late in life as many women are these days. I was 32. Many women are only finding out that they are on the Autism spectrum when a relative or child of theirs is diagnosed.

One reason for my late diagnosis is that I learned from an early age to hide or 'mask' my difficulties. There's nothing like people looking at you with scorn, to make you want to appear 'normal'. This masking includes compartmentalising myself. For instance, acting cheerful and shallow while observing and assessing someone. I also occasionally partake in mimicry to feel connected to others and express my feelings. You may call me a chameleon at times. It's not something I can sustain for long.

Feeling separate from others is a common experience for those of us with Autism. We don't pick up on body language and other people's intentions, wishes, and opinions as easily as neurotypicals - non-Autistic folk. For this reason, I usually have no idea how people view me - who I am in their eyes.

Being literal-minded, I find it impossible at times to think of myself as a concept. When someone asks me who I am, I list things I've done. Often my sense of self comes from achievements, not from ideas of what type of person I am. On the other hand, if I have recently deliberately created a concept of myself, then I can link those concepts to a sense of self.

The only exception to this is a long-standing belief that I am intelligent and kind. I remember in primary school, wondering why other kids wouldn't hang around me. I am a kind person, I would think, why wouldn't someone want to be friends with me?

All of these things combined led me down a path of Gender Dysphoria - identifying as the opposite sex. For maybe three years I dressed, worked and lived as a male. This is one of the ways that I have recreated myself.

I've recreated myself a number of times. Sometimes a characteristic or two, my career, clothing, and mannerisms.

Recreating myself gives me achievable goals and something to believe in. A way to create trust in my future, a sense of being part of a community, complete, and avenues for feeling confident.

Joys of Recreation

I have lost and recreated a sense of self a number of times. Not only many times through-out the day, but also a complete dismantling and creation of my identity.

On a positive note, the spiritual journey of recreating my self can come with joy, purpose, and a love of discovery. It is something I learned to do for myself only - not for someone else's gain. It gives me great pleasure to learn and experience the personal benefits.

I love creating