Internet Joke Book: Joke's, Hilarious Stories and Witty Humor from Abroad

By Keith Evans

The Internet Joke Book is filled with short jokes, witty humor, and bizarre stories that were gathered from around the United States and abroad, via the Internet and other sources, as well from friends and family.

I should also point out, before going any further, that much of the credit for this book should go to my daughter. If not for her giving me the idea, and placing my other two books on hold, a book of this make-up may have never existed.

Beyond the books jacket, you will run across page after humorous page of sidesplitting witticisms. They are of old and new, nevertheless, the old still being very hilarious and the new even more uproarious...after all, we have until now, not read them.

Various contents of the Internet Joke Book may not be suitable for younger readers. This book was not tailor- made for the juvenile reader, however, this book, as any book of this nature, should rest in the judgement of the parent.

I myself, being a single parent, would not recommend that the contents of this book be disclosed to any teenager under the age of seventeen, or either the adult contents be block out by the parent or guardian. Nevertheless, there may be parents who chose to allow their children as young as fifteen and sixteen to take in the contents of this book, again this is not recommended by the author.

I can only hope my readers enjoy and have as much fun with this book as we did, gathering and putting it together. Once my daughter had told our friends, neighbors and relatives of what we were doing, we had more help than we could handle.

We are now working on a second book, The Internet Joke Book Volume Two, which will consist of much more and newer witticisms. I hope all will appreciate the first book, and be patient enough to wait and read the second.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 21, 2000
• ISBN: 9781465327925

Keith Evans

Keith was born in Wales in 1958 and his early upbringing established a strong link with music and literature. Married with two children, this link was strengthened by over 30 years living in Oxford, before retiring back to the Gower coast in Wales. An education focussed on science and technology, including a doctorate from Oxford University, led Keith towards initially an academic research post at Oxford and then a career in specialist services and technology businesses. Keith also established his own company and was also Chief Executive of a FTSE listed global software and services business. Since retiring Keith has focussed on his interests in literature, art and music.

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Copyright © 2000 by Keith Evans.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-7-XLIBRIS

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

Contents

THE BLONDE GUY

TWO KIDS IN THE HOSPITAL

A LITTLE BOY

SUE AND THE INSURANCE COMPANY

BAKED BEANS

THE TALKING PARROTS

HUSBAND, WIFE AND FOOTBALL GAME

A GOODNIGHT CONVERSATION

SUNBATHING

EMBARRASSING SITUATION

THREE GIRLS

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

PROPOSITION IN A BAR

BARBIE DOLLS WE CAN RELATE TO

PROBLEM WITH GAS

AN UNUSUAL FUNERAL PROCESSION

A MORNING ON THE FARM

THREE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

THREE WISHES

THE GAMBLING OLD LADY

THE BOAT

HEAD OF PENIS STUDY

DEAR JOHN LETTER

SUPER GRANNY: DEFENDER OF JUSTICE

SEX AND WEIGHT LOSS

THE LOST TRAVELER

SPORTS FISHING

LOST IN THE FOREST

A SENIOR MOMENT

KEEPING YOUR INSANITY

GOSH … IF ONLY !!

SUNBATHING IN THE NUDE

GOVERNMENT TAXING OF THE PENIS

ANNOYING THE IRS

TESTIFYING AT THE IRS

THE KILTED SCOTSMAN

THE SKINNY LUMBERJACK

CAN CARDS PREDICT THE FUTURE?

A MEETING WITH THE DEVIL

IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING

YOU NEED A BEER HOW BAD?

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

THE THREE DUCKS

HEARING PROBLEM?

TWO CARROTS WALKING

THE CHAINSAW THAT DIDN’T WORK

ROSES ARE RED

THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

LINDA AND MARION

TOP SIGNS YOU’RE BORED AT WORK

DINNER WITH A NEW FRIEND

A DYING PREACHERS MESSAGE

DON’T EVER STAY OUT TOO LATE

BIBLICAL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

RODNEY AND HIS THREE INCH PAL AL

TOP TEN REASONS TO ASK FOR A RAISE

NICE EXPRESSIONS TO DESCRIBE DUMB PEOPLE

SHE’S ONE FABULOUS BABE

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN’T SAY OUT LOUD IN VICTORIA’S SECRET

PEGGY SUE LIKES TO SCREW

UNKNOWN FACT

NOT SO LONG AGO …

DON’T PUSH THE BUTTONS

A HERMAPHRODITE BABY

A MARRIED YOUNG COUPLE

A LECTURE IN ENGLISH

ADVICE TO ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS OR NEW MEXICO

PHRASES FOR YOU TO USE IN AN INTERVIEW

THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

MEETING ST. PETER AT THE PEARLY GATES

THE NOTE

T-SHIRTS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO PRISONERS

WHAT JOB ADS REALLY MEAN

A BEAR IN A BAR IN BILLINGS

GUILTY OR ‘NOT’ GUILTY

THE DOCTOR AND A YOUNG MODEL

TEACHER’S CONFERENCE

JOHN AND THE MANAGER

CLYDE AND HIS TWO BEST FRIENDS

DAM FISH

YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN TROUBLE WHEN …

PICTURE IT:

DRINKERS’ TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

LABOR PAIN

THE NEGOTIATOR

BAD NEWS

THE COWBOY

45 GEMS OF WISDOM

HIT A PIG ON THE BACK FORTY

HIGH SCHOOL

THE HEAVY SLEEPER

SPELL ANY DIFFICULT WORDS

CONTACT THROUGH SEANCE

TALKING DOG

BORIS YELTSIN’S EMERGENCY CALL

BAD TIMING

TOP NINE SEX JOKES

HAIR IN THE FACE

FIRST TIME AT THE GYNECOLOGIST

THE BLONDE WITH TWO RED EARS

THE TRAIN RIDE

SUBJECT: PMS

MARKET RESEARCH

SEXUAL FROG

NOT MAN ENOUGH

HELP WITH THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES

LESS THAN AMBITIOUS

MARRIAGE OR PRISON?

TWO MEN CAMPING

MY OATH TO YOU

FIRE TRUCK

THE THREE HILLBILLIES

CROTCHLESS PANTIES

HOWARD AND ANNABEL

INCREDIBLY FINE CONDITION

HELPFUL HINTS FOR THE INEXPERIENCED TRAVELER

BUMPER STICKERS WE’D LIKE TO SEE

IN THE WOODS

DECISION MAKING

YOUR BASIC COW

PERHAPS

YOU MAY BE A GEEK IF …

THE FERRARI AND THE MOPED

TICKLE ME ELMO

THE HAPPY PASSENGER

ROY THE ROOSTER

GOT KIDS?

I THE PENIS

WOMEN

SORORITY GIRL

DELIVERY ROOM

WAY TO CATCH A BEATING

BLIND GUY

GREAT SEX

NO SEX

ADAM AND EVE

NO MALE PALLBEARERS

THE POLICE RECRUIT

WHY BE QUIET IN CHURCH

JOSEPH, MARY AND JESUS

DISCUSSING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

HOW GOD CREATED EVERYTHING

THE DIRTY LITTLE FELLOW

THE WISE SCHOOLTEACHER

NUDIST COLONY

I’LL DO THE DISHES

WISDOM … YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

THE STOCKBROKER

JUNGLE LOVE

PUSSYCAT

SAFE SMOKES

A KISS ON THE CHEEK

A GREAT PLACE OF BALANCE

IN-LAWS

THINKING SKILLS

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

BLOOD TEST

THE INCOMPETENT COUNTERFEITER

DREADFUL FIGHT

I would like to dedicate this book to my loving daughter, Angila,

since, of course, the book was her idea.

You have been the inspiration in all of my writings..

Angila, you are my life, my everything. I thank you for giving me the

encouragement to write, not only this book, but the others I am

writing as well.

This book, as for all my writings and much more, is for you. May

God bless and guide you, always. I love you.

THE BLONDE GUY

Finally! A blonde GUY joke!

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

What’s up? he says.

I’m having a heart attack, cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

You rotten bastard, says the husband, my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!

TWO KIDS IN THE HOSPITAL

Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?

The second kid says, I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.

The first kid says, You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!

The second kid then asks, What are you here for?

The first kid says, A circumcision.

And the second kid says, Whoa! I had that done when I was born, couldn’t walk for a year!

A LITTLE BOY

A little boy was having relatives come over for dinner so he decided to go see what his brother was doing. He walks into the basement and sees his brother practicing soccer. The boy decided he shouldn’t bother his brother and goes upstairs to see his father.

His father is in the bathroom shaving when the little boy screams, Hi Dad!

The father being startled by this cuts himself and yells, Shit!.

What does shit mean? the little boy asked.

The father not wanting to tell his son says, Um … Shit means shave!

After hearing that the boy goes downstairs to see what his mother is doing. He sees her in the kitchen cutting the turkey for dinner when he yells, Hi Mom!

The mother being startled by this slips and cuts herself with the butcher knife. Fuck! she yells.

What does fuck mean? the boy asked.

Um … Fuck means cut! replied the mother not wanting to tell him what it really means.

A little while later the boy‘s relatives arrive. When he answers the door they all say hi to him then ask „Where is everyone else?"

The boy replies, „Dad‘s in the bathroom shitting his face, mom‘s in the kitchen fucking the turkey, and my brother‘s in the basement playing with his balls!"

SUE AND THE INSURANCE COMPANY

Sue told the insurance company, We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand dollars and I want my money.

The agent replied, Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

There was a long pause before Sue replied, Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.

BAKED BEANS

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small café and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove