Don't Bury an Ailing Marriage: ...It's Not Too Late to Resuscitate!

By Don D. Campbell

In Dont Bury an Ailing Marriage, veteran psychologist Dr. Don D. Campbell goes beyond surface reasons for most relationship problemssuch as poor communication, financial issues, or sexual dysfunctionto diagnose the underlying causes of marital discord that prevent couples from achieving the happiness and fulfillment they desire and deserve. Several ailments and viruses are identified, but from among them Dr. Campbell identifies the most common and damaging virus of alla fear of closeness. He explains how the Fear of Closeness Virus is the underlying root for most symptoms within ailing marriages as well as how to effectively treat it to sustain emotional and physical intimacy through the years.

The abundant information in the book is delivered with a sense of humor and illustrative stories as well as helpful Prescription Padsa series of exercises at the end of each chapter to help the reader apply the doctors advice and take proactive steps for positive change.

Resist the temptation to call the mortician (lawyer) and prepare for the funeral (divorce). For virtually any marriage, regardless of its current state, put the shovel awayits not too late to resuscitate!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jun 30, 2011
• ISBN: 9781452535104

Don D. Campbell

Don D. Campbell, PhD, has been a licensed clinical psychologist treating couples with relationship diffi culties since 1973, while also establishing full-time private practices in both the Midwest and Southern Ca lifornia. His professional experience and knowledge in evaluating and successfully treating dysfunctional relationships is widely respected by his peers and by countless couples he has helped throughout the years. Happily married to his wife, Jane, for over thirty-four years and a father to nine children, his life experience has also contributed to his wealth of knowledge of love and healthy relationships. His mission in his private practice and in writing Don’t Bury an Ailing Marriage is to help as many as possible to enjoy love and life as much as he has. Dr. Campbell currently has a full-time private practice in Carlsbad, California. In his leisure time he enjoys public speaking, playing chess and having fun with his grandchildren.

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Copyright © 2011 Don D. Campbell, Ph.D.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Editing and cover illustration by Steve Campbell, B.F.A.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-3510-4 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-3509-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-3511-1 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011908757

Printed in the United States of America

Balboa Press rev. date: 6/27/2011

Acknowledgements

It has been a work of love to write this book and the love and support of several individuals have been helpful in writing it

My son Steve has been my editor, illustrator, and support. His ideas and insights have been inspirational. He has spent hundreds of hours using his time and talents to make sure this work was completed satisfactorily. His wit, creativity and intelligence have been matchless, and without him I don’t think this book could have been written. I will always be grateful to him.

My dear wife Jane has been the love of my life and priceless in helping me with this work. Just before we were married she wrote me this poem:

I see two birds flying in the golden sky,

Who have just been taught how to fly.

There is a light that shines above them bright,

As they fly the sky both day and night.

Those precious birds are you and I.

Among other things, she was referring to how we were learning to grow in our love for each other. This process has continued through the years as we soar brightly in our love. She has taught me more about love and happiness than all the books I have read and formal education I have received. She is the epitome of love! She not only supported me in writing this book but she supports me in all my positive endeavors. I will be forever grateful for who she is and for her love and support.

I have had several individuals read my manuscript and offer suggestions. Their help has been invaluable. Of particular note has been my son, Zac and Joanna Campbell, Loini and Gary Gunter, Mark Moses, Kristi Dehnert, Alison and Mark Bergstrom, and Mert Campbell.

I have enjoyed the hours of work that have been spent writing this book and all that I have learned in the process. It is my sincere hope that many others will be able to experience the love within their relationships that I have received with my Jane and that Our Father in Heaven has meant for all of us to find here on earth.

Contents

Introduction

Part I:

Open Your Mind

Chapter 1: Tools for Personal Resuscitation

What’s My Prognosis? Start with a Diagnosis!

Divorce: Miracle Cure or Marital Malpractice?

The Resuscitated Model of Marriage

Personal Resuscitation Requires Personal Responsibility

Dr. Don’s Formula for Personal Resuscitation

A Change for the Happier

Part II:

Open Your Heart

Chapter 2: The Ailments of Love

Diagnosing the Source of Most Marital Ailments

A Deadly Marital Disease—Adultery

The Virus of Sexual Dissatisfaction

The Deception Virus

The Illusion of Control Virus

The Abuse Virus

Other Viral Invasions

Life after Diagnosis

Chapter 3: Tools for Marital Resuscitation

Are You Straightening Deck Chairs on the Titanic?

Antidotes for a Fear of Closeness

Resuscitate by Creating Connections

Essential Elements for Continuous Connectivity

Conflict Resolution: A Necessary Skill of Resuscitation

Be Your Own Bomb Squad: Tools for Defusing Explosive Situations

Preventative Medicine for Resolving Conflicts

Overcoming Resolution Obstacles

The Rules of Engagement: Do’s and Don’ts of Disagreements

Five Powerful Vitamins for Boosting Marital Immunity

Chapter 4: First Aid between the Sexes

When the Golden Rule Is Not Golden

Equal but Not the Same

Men and Women are Different: Vive la Difference!

Part III:

Cleave Unto Your Spouse

Chapter 5: Putting more Intimacy

in Physical Intimacy

Become One Flesh

Beyond the Birds and the Bees

The Value of Good Sex

Love + Sex = Happiness

Romance: Medicine for the Heart

Chapter 6: Ailments in Physical Intimacy:

Causes and Cures

The Avoidance Syndrome

The Parasite Within: A Fear of Intimacy

Why there’s No Joy of Sex

The What-If Worry: Performance Anxiety

A Past to Forget: Overcoming Victimization

Resuscitate Your Desire

Welcome Back Desire!

Chapter 7: Creative, Passionate Romance (CPR)

Discovering CPR

Guilt and Inhibitions

Religious Restrictions

Misguided Motives

Embrace Change for CPR

Prescriptions for Sexual Healing

CPR Information for Women

CPR Information for Men

Giving and Receiving

Part IV:

Office Visits

Chapter 8: Seeing the Doctor for a Consultation

Treatment

Choosing a Psychotherapist

Working for Miracles

Getting Your Spouse into Treatment

Growth Takes Risk

Epilogue: Love Is Forever

Introduction

Life is a journey and love is what makes that journey worthwhile.

— Unknown

Life is easy and joyful!

If you don’t agree with this statement, reading this book will help you change your mind. If you already view life to be easy and joyful, then it is my goal to help you to understand why you have found it to be this way.

Whatever your current circumstances, now is an ideal time to take stock of how you are doing in life. Without regularly assessing your situation, you will miss out on a lot that life has to offer, and you may miss out on the most important thing in life—your own happiness!

Having an abundance of love is what contributes most to being happy, and having a loving marriage contributes most to having an abundance of love in your life. My intention is to help you find the happiness and the abundance of love you deserve through a loving marriage.

Although marriages generally start out full of love and happiness, most marriages become ailing relationships in which two people simply do their best to cope with one another.

After being a happily married clinical psychologist for over three decades, I have learned from both personal experience and from my practice in therapy why most marriages end up diseased or even terminally ill, and it is not due to reasons most marriage and family books tell us. Many of these sources only give surface excuses for marital failures. The real source of marital problems is found deeper within.

In my experience, the principal cause for marital failure is a fear of closeness. When a relationship is diseased with an underlying fear of closeness in one or both individuals, many other symptoms will appear (e.g., communication problems, lack of affection, incessant arguing, etc.), and it is easy to mistake these surface ailments as the underlying causes of divorce.

A lucky few of us may have been trained to embrace intimacy and take it into our lives, but most of us have been trained to be fearful of it. Sadly, some of us have even been trained to avoid intimacy at all costs!

In spite of what we may have been taught, all of us have a need for closeness, love, and acceptance. Whether we recognize it or not, we are in a constant search—consciously or unconsciously—to meet our needs for love and acceptance. Simultaneously, most of us have a constant fear that we will be hurt by being too close (i.e., vulnerable) with someone. These contradictory yearnings of wanting closeness yet wanting to stay at a distance have a strong influence on many of our feelings and behaviors.

My own story is illustrative of how these fears can be conquered to become happy in marriage and, as a result, in life. When I was a boy I remember craving closeness, love, and affection. However, I also had learned early on to be fearful of intimacy.

My wife, Jane, desired closeness as well. When we were married, we both enjoyed all the closeness we had longed for and we were deliriously happy. We couldn’t seem to get enough of each other, and all went well for several months until, I unconsciously began to pull away. I felt somewhat smothered as it seemed to me her needs for closeness were insatiable. I continued to love her with all my heart, but gradually I began to do more things to unconsciously sabotage our relationship.

Sensing a growing distance between us, she eventually confronted me about my behavior. I angrily argued about her perceptions of me pulling away from her, yet she persisted in pointing out the subtle, negative changes in my behavior. No matter how gentle she was in raising her concerns, I often would become angry and attempt to defend myself by verbally lashing out at her. Fortunately her typical response to my anger was to withdraw from my inappropriate responses rather than striking back at me. This kept any major conflicts to a minimum, but contention would periodically rear its ugly head as I repeatedly pulled away and met her concerns with angry denials. Fortunately she tenaciously hung in there and wore my resistances down.

I hated our conflicts! I was constantly torn between trying to be close to her so I could show her my love and have my own emotional needs met, and pulling away from her out of fear of being too close to her. As she continued to love me and make my life more joyful than ever, I gradually began to let down my defenses, increase my trust, and allow her into my life at deeper levels. This has paid off immeasurably! She showed great courage and strength, and I will be forever grateful for her endurance and commitment.

One of the keys to her success was not letting me hide from her by withdrawing for any significant length of time. She insisted we talk out our problems instead of just sweeping them under the rug. As we resolved issues between us, it was not long before I began to realize how my wife was right in most of the disagreements we had. Just as importantly, I realized it didn’t matter who was right during our disagreements. What mattered was that we continued to get along showing love on a consistent basis and thereby avoid arguments.

While we were arguing, I was miserable. When we were close to each other and showing love on a continual basis, I was happy. I realized I had a choice. Did I want to be miserable or happy? The answer was obvious and my life has since become considerably easier and happier.

Once I let down my defenses, I became aware of how much freedom I suddenly had in my life. I had become free to accept her love without being afraid of being hurt. I had become free to love her with all my heart without having my love rejected. I had become free to say what I wanted to say, to ask for what I wanted, and to be myself. I had become free to allow my weaknesses to be as apparent as my strengths, which allowed me to work on and overcome many of my personal weaknesses. Most importantly, I became free to become the person I was born to be. These newfound freedoms have helped me to love my Jane, to love myself, and to love others. As a result, I have become one happy man!

Don’t think I learned overnight to stop resisting her love. It took a consistent effort over a long period of time, but I am happier now than I ever dreamed possible. It is not just because I was lucky enough to have married an angel; it also is because we both continue to work on our relationship every day and I am constantly looking for new ways to express my love to her. My sweet wife is the joy of my life. It is my goal to try to impress her several times a day that she made the right choice by marrying me.

It would seem totally unnatural to try to live without meaningful love in my life, and I want others to feel the same way, which is why I’ve written this book. I don’t believe there is a limited quantity of love to be had in our marriages. It has been my experience that the more we grow together as couples, the happier we become.

My story continues to be a happy one. Why should it be any different for you?

Resuscitation is worth the effort…and fun!

If your marriage is ailing, don’t give up—it’s not too late to resuscitate! As you read this book, I encourage you to read with a willingness to experiment, have fun, and learn.

In the initial therapy session with couples I see in my practice, I inform them that my job is to get them in touch with the information they need for marital resuscitation, but once the information is in their hands, it is then up to them to apply the information in their lives to make the necessary changes to resuscitate their marriage.

In the pages that follow, I will provide you with insights, advice, and prescriptions to help you make the positive changes to resuscitate your marriage. I expect that you will find it both fun and beneficial.

Your resuscitation success depends on how much effort you put into following the principles in this book and your willingness to experiment, have fun, and learn.

At the end of each chapter you will find The Prescription Pad. This is where I will give you specific prescriptions to help your marriage be healthy and happy. Have fun doing the exercises either by yourself or, preferably, with your spouse. As you fill the prescriptions, you will find ways for your marriage to flourish without too much effort.

Some of what is discussed may not apply to you and your situation, but if you have an open mind and are honest with yourself, I believe that you will find that most of it will.

It has been shown that women typically are more interested than men in how relationships work and how to improve them. Because of this fact, it is anticipated that more women will be buying and reading this book than men. Consequently, much of Don’t Bury An Ailing Marriage has been written as if I were speaking to a female. Please don’t take this to mean this is a book simply for women. Indeed, it has been written to help both sexes benefit equally.

One last point—throughout the book you will find stories of individuals who have been in my practice. All the stories are true but the names of the people involved have been changed.

Part I:

Open Your Mind

Chapter 1

Tools for Personal Resuscitation

"The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems

are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology,

or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."

— Albert Ellis

What’s My Prognosis? Start with a Diagnosis!

Ailments generally affect marriages for anywhere from months to years before they are diagnosed, then after recognizing ailments exist, couples typically procrastinate for even more time before seeking treatment. As a result, it is usually after an average of five to fifteen years of marriage, with most of those years being unhappy, when most couples come limping into my office looking for a quick fix.

Some of them may need only a minor tune up (take two aspirins and go to bed together). Others may need a major overhaul (sorry, you will need a marital quadruple by-pass). The good news is that most couples leave my office after their final visit with marriages that have been resuscitated, and feeling prepared to enjoy happier lives.

So how do you know if you have a marital ailment? If you think your relationship is ailing, it probably is.

Let’s take a minute to check for symptoms to see just how much danger your relationship might be in. Read through the list below checking each item pertaining to you and your relationship. Be honest with yourself. You do not have to show your test results to your spouse, but if you feel free to do so, by all means share.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You don’t feel you’re in love with your spouse any longer.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You don’t believe your spouse is in love with you any longer.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You often feel taken advantage of or neglected.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You feel you are constantly criticized.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You are making love less frequently than you once were or less than twice per week.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You no longer enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You feel anger and hold resentment toward your spouse.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You feel you are drifting away from your partner.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You are no longer open and honest with each other.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You seldom share your feelings with your partner.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You find you are having sexual fantasies about other people.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You are no longer physically attracted to your mate.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You seldom show affection to one another.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You seldom give compliments to each other.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You seldom find the time to go out together on a date.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You often compare your partner unfavorably with others.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You do not enjoy conversing with each other.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You find yourself avoiding physical contact with your mate.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You feel underappreciated by your spouse.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You frequently feel irritable or critical around your spouse.

SKU-000464196_TEXT.pdf You wish your spouse would change in order to improve your relationship.

All of the above are symptoms that signal something may be wrong with your marriage. Some of these symptoms are more serious than others, but in general, the more items you checked, the more likely your marriage is ailing. Regardless of the number of these items that apply to your marriage, don’t despair! Things can improve dramatically within a short period of time by following the prescriptions and advice in this book which will give you the tools you need for marital resuscitation.

Divorce: Miracle Cure or Marital Malpractice?

When ailments within a marriage seem insurmountable, divorce begins to appear as an appealing option and a way out of unhappy circumstances. This is especially likely to occur within the first few years of marriage when couples are called upon to produce more changes than they are prepared to make. Within the United States, divorce rates are highest in the first two years of marriage. If you have made it over this second-year hump, perhaps you may consider yourself to be safe, but don’t be too relaxed just yet! While statistics show that childless couples divorce more often and that younger people are quicker to divorce than older couples, divorces can occur at any stage during a marriage.

The divorce rate climbed for years during the last half of the 20th century but has leveled off at about 50% as it appears more people are beginning to recognize that divorces do not bring happiness. More often than not, those who have experienced divorce, whether first hand or vicariously through others, are finding that what is intended to be a cure is usually worse than the ailment ever was.

It may seem like an easy solution or the path of least resistance, however obtaining a divorce is one of the most difficult experiences one can have. For starters, if you think you will be permanently free from dealing with your spouse, think again. After you divorce, you will likely still have to maintain a relationship with your ex-spouse, especially if you had children together. So while your ex-spouse may no longer be present in your home, emotional issues you thought you’d leave behind will continue being a part of your life.

Statistics show that if you choose to remarry, this new marriage is even more likely to end in divorce. This is often due to carrying your unresolved personality problems that affected your previous marriage into the next marriage. Furthermore, step-children and ex-spouses will also add other complications to your situation, which will make it increasingly more difficult to find happiness.

Another huge challenge will be overcoming poisonous anger and bitterness that typically remains after a divorce. These lingering emotions will have a profoundly negative effect upon both your psychological and physical well-being.

In addition to ugly emotional scars, divorce will likely leave other forms of wreckage in its path of devastation. While for many couples a primary reason for divorcing is incessant arguing over financial matters, ironically, a divorce will ordinarily reduce each divorcee’s accumulated wealth by half with the woman likely being more adversely affected as approximately half of divorced women end up on welfare if they don’t remarry.

If you have had children together, post-divorce life becomes an even more miserable experience for all involved. Children suffer most in the aftermath of a divorce. As divorcees scramble to financially support the children, arrange regular visitation, share birthdays and holidays, and try to cooperate in co-parenting, the children become unwitting victims— financially, emotionally and, statistics show, even educationally. If you could not cooperate with one another before the divorce, you’re certainly not likely to do so afterwards, and you will likely continue to battle with each other over their upbringing until they reach adulthood.

Divorce is seldom the answer to making your life happier. Nearly all marriages can and should be resuscitated.

If it sounds like I am painting a bleak picture of life after divorce, you’ve got my drift. It’s clear that divorce is not the easy way out that many make it out to be. If couples had a crystal ball and could see into the future, nearly all of them would take every possible step to resuscitate their marriages before they ever filed for divorce. I implore you to do all you can to change yourself and your situation instead of changing spouses.

For those of you who are pessimistic, it is understandable. If day after day, month after month, and year after year you have been feeling miserable and nothing seems to be improving, it is logical that you are doubtful about resuscitating