The Plus Factor

By Tamika L. Sims

Define a healthy relationship. Is it filled with trust, respect, honesty, communication? There must be a balance in the power and control. A relationship takes two. It is a partnership. The responsibility, financial or otherwise, should never rest on the shoulders of one. It should be a shared responsibility. What happens when there is an imbalance in this power and control, when the one person who has accepted this responsibility abuses it? You find yourself in an unhealthy relationship where domestic violence could occur frequently and severely.

The Plus Factor is an autobiographical account of my journey from tragedy to triumph. It is a survivors story that describes in vivid detail what happens when love becomes violent. Domestic violence did not ruin my life: it gave me a second chance to live, all the while learning to love myself again in the process. If my story mirrors your life, know that there is help available for you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Sep 2, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456794873

Tamika L. Sims

Tamika Sims, a South Carolina native, survived a physically, sexually and emotionally abusive relationship of eight years. She is the proud mom of one son, who provides continual strength for her daily. Tamika is a member of Rhema Christian Center Church of God in Christ where she serves in whatever capacity needed. Tamika is currently employed at Lexington Medical Center as the Quality Data Specialist Tamika has been featured in Skirt! Magazine and has participated in several television interviews on home visitation and other subject matter. Tamika is the recipient of the 2012 BWABC Literacy Rocks! Author of the Year Award. Tamika received the Bachelor’s of Science Degree in Information Technology from South University with a concentration in Database Administration. It is her desire to pursue the Masters Degree in Business Administration. Tamika enjoys writing, reading, music, singing, and is a self-proclaimed coffee lover! Family and friends are most important to her and she devotes a substantial amount of her time to developing sustaining relationships with them.

Book preview

Contents

Dedication

Epigraph

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Affirmation of Faith

Everyone Cannot Be in Your

FRONT ROW

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Epilogue

Afterward

No Looking Back

About the Author

Contact the Author

Electronic Mail Communications

Reflections:

Small Group Discussion Questions

Works Consulted

About the Book

Dedication

To the countless domestic violence survivors

whose stories are yet to be told.

Epigraph

How many are silenced, how many women never ‘find their voice’ because in order to get to their art they would have to scream?

Ann Clark

Foreword

This is a story of healing, a testament to the quiet yet powerful strength of a woman who survived an abusive relationship, but more importantly, renewed and strengthened her spiritual belief system. Many readers will identify firsthand with Ms. Sims, for her story mirrors the reality of the lives of many women who meet their abusive partner in a faith-based institution.

Batterers—that is, abusers—often use religion and their leadership role in the church, synagogue, or mosque to exercise power and control over their partner. Faith-based institutions may knowingly become accomplices in this relationship abuse by remaining unaware of the devastating dynamics of the abusive relationships, or urging the woman to remain in the abusive relationship, or minimizing or dismissing her concerns and fears. By not holding the abuser accountable for his behavior and allowing him to remain in a leadership role in the organization, or by excusing his behavior, faith-based institutions are also subject to manipulation by the abuser and hence may be victimized in the process. Not holding the batterer accountable sends a strong message to the congregation that his behavior is acceptable.

Ms. Sims’s book addresses the warning signs of abusers as well as the patterns of power and control the batterer utilizes to slowly and methodically disconnect the victim from her soul. She goes on to describe how the abuser utilizes spiritual scripture to exercise and justify his scare tactics of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. Furthermore, Ms. Sims addresses how and in what way the abuser makes a mockery of religion by quoting his interpretation of Biblical writings to make scriptural judgment in order to blame the victim and keep her in a subservient position.

It is my hope that Ms. Sims’s book will be used as a basis for discussion and as an instrument for change to educate members of faith-based institutions about domestic violence and the particular role that faith-based institutions play in teaching members about healthy relationships and healthy spirituality. I applaud the many faith-based institutions that have already taken such a leadership role in their church, synagogue, or mosque and have joined with domestic violence organizations to educate their congregants and support victims of domestic violence.

Lastly, I applaud Ms. Sims for her courage to share her voice and educate all of us on how a very public social problem is also a very personal spiritual one.

Catherine Ross, PhD, ACSW, LISW-CP, VSP

Director of Community, Clinical, and Educational Services,

Sistercare, Inc.

Acknowledgments

I thank and praise God for giving me the unction to write and share my story. It is because of His leading and guiding that I am who I am today; and for this, I give Him all the praise, honor, and glory.

Mama, you have given me life, love, and encouragement each and every step of the way. You have watched me go through one of the worst times in my life; and even though I hardly ever say it, I appreciate you for your sacrifice and for helping me get my life back on track. Mama, I love you more than words can say, and I am forever in your debt.

Sharita, what can I say? You are everything a big sister could want. So often you would say to me that I am the spiritual glue that holds this family together, when I did not feel like much of anything. I cannot wait to see the woman that you are destined to become. I know that you are going to be a great wife and mother! Thank you for being there for me and helping me to see who I really am underneath it all.

DJ, Mama’s little man, God has such great purpose and destiny for your life. Barber Architectural and Design, Inc. is going to be a great vision that will come to pass for the Kingdom. You make me proud every day and provide continual strength for me.

Ja’len, my other son, Auntie loves you dearly! I thank God every day for you and DJ. I will always be your mama in Columbia.

Pastor and Copastor White, thank you for being my spiritual leaders, encouraging me in the most holy faith, providing Godly wisdom, advice, and correction when needed. God bless the both of you!

Mark, you are a wonderful friend and brother. Thanks for being my listening ear, shoulder to cry on, and confidant. I know that as your ministry grows, God will continue to open doors of opportunity for you.

Sarah, you proved to be a good friend and sister during a very difficult time. The kindness and sacrifice you have shown has not gone unnoticed.

Sabrina, you have become more than just a coworker. You are my friend and the older sister I never had. After the assault occurred, you were one of the first who saw my bruises. I can remember vividly the look of horror on your face. Several times I have had to call your home in the middle of the night because of D.L.; you always heard my cry for help, responded, and never thought twice about assisting however I needed you to. Mere words will never be able to express how truly appreciative I am. I thank God every day for placing you in my life.

Tabatha and Glandia, you ladies keep me grounded. I am so appreciative of our girlfriends’ weekend outings and the way that you both have expressed concern for me on so many levels.

Muffin, you are my best friend in the whole wide world! You and I have been through many ups and downs, bad relationships and breakups, even losing touch for a while, but I love you just the same, if not more. The jury is still out on when we actually met, but I do know that you have been the one constant friend in my life for over twenty-five years! I cannot think of any other friendship that has stood the test of time like ours. I cannot wait until we are old and gray, missing teeth, remembering the days of old. I am so happy that God has given you a wonderful husband, and I know that He has great things in store for your future. Thanks for being my ace in the hole. Always remember to respect your elders, as I am the older friend (even if it is only by one month and two days!).

Camille, thank you for your support, encouragement, and countless editorial reviews. I could not have done this without your advice and guidance along the way.

EF, thank you for helping me realize I am not a victim any longer.

Katrina, I am deeply grateful for your assistance in helping me to pull it all together.

To my brother, Leonard, who would have ever thought that you would turn out to be one of my biggest supporters, constantly encouraging me to finish this great work? Thank you for pushing me to see it to the end.

To my social networking family, thanks for being my guinea pigs and helping me with my research.

Finally, to you, thank you for loving me when I did not feel deserving or worthy of love. God never ceases to amaze me. He allowed exactly what I needed to come into my life at the right moment.

Introduction

Let me tell you the story of a woman I used to know. She was always very smart. One day she made a poor decision. This one moment in time almost cost her her life. You see, one day, while not looking for love, love found her. She found herself in what was then considered to be the right place at the right time. She was going about her life, minding her own business, when suddenly it happened. She looked into the eyes of the perfect stranger. With his smile so bright and a manly physique, immediately she was captivated.

Let’s travel back to this woman’s childhood. Growing up, she was always the head of the class. Creativity was never her forte, although she dabbled in writing poetry and plays with her best friend. She was a quiet soul. This woman never had a lot of friends, but those she had were near and dear to her heart. Her family was not close-knit, because there was quite some distance between close relatives. She was unable to develop relationships with aunts, uncles, and cousins for this reason. There was no participation in Sunday afternoon family gatherings and playdates. However, the times she and her family were able to travel the distance and spend that time with family were treasured, special moments. So, it was she and her younger sister. Her sister was more into Barbie and Cabbage Patch dolls than she was. This woman always preferred to challenge her mind, so you could find her reading educational books or playing challenging board games. Simple Monopoly could never do it for her!

Her adolescent years were not marked with the normal teenage rebellion, but rather embraced as she slowly blossomed into a young woman. She had a few teenage love relationships with guys who filled her head with promises never kept and a future that never came. In fact, she had earned the nickname Quiet in high school, because she was very shy and reserved. After her high school graduation, she went away to college in a small town. This was her first attempt at pursuing higher education and the opportunity to meet people from around the country. It was in college that she would establish greater connections and relationships. She was the girl next door.

She left college after her freshman year and met the man who would become the father of her child. They dated for a while, but it never went any further than that. A few years later, she met the man she thought would love her forever. It’s very unfortunate that this love was not shared, nor would it last until death did them part.

As you thumb through the pages of The Plus Factor, you will learn more about this woman and her journey. It is my desire to be transparent, so that inwardly you and I are establishing a connection that reaches depths within you. If at the end of reading this book you realize that you, too, are in an abusive relationship, it is my prayer that you will gain the strength needed to get out.

Within these pages, I am giving you a glimpse into the mind of an abuser and what life as a victim is like. From A to Z, you will find the inner makings of an abusive relationship. Page by page you are given an intimate look, and I invite you to delve deep. While abusive relationships are alike in many ways, they are all different, because no two people are the same.

When I first began this process about two years ago, I had no idea that you would be holding the finished product you have before you. Revision after revision, edit after edit, all a part of the necessary process, none of which I regret. I had tunnel vision when it came to writing the book. One direction, one angle: to share my story.

Then I realized that I was not alone in my struggle. My story was bigger than I, and it had to be told for the many other women out there who have not yet found their voices. I had an Aha! moment. It was then that my story became your story. I cannot begin to tell you how uncomfortable and very difficult this process was. In order for me to do an adequate job of providing detail, I had to go back to places of hurt, anger, bitterness, and resentment. I had to be in the moment. I did not want to experience that hurt and raw emotion all over again, but here I was. It was a necessary evil, a bittersweet taste of a very sour apple.

Some days I would pick up the pen and I could write for hours. Other days I would pick up the pen and then cry for hours. Then there were those times when the words would begin to flow from my heart onto the paper. I could not give up, even though I sometimes wanted to abandon ship. My desire was to see it to fruition.

It is my prayer that you will enjoy the fruit of my labor. Shall we begin?

Affirmation of Faith

"I AM what the Word of God says I am,

I am MORE than a conqueror,

I am MORE than victorious,

And I WILL do what the Word of God says I can do."

—Rhema Christian Center COGIC

Everyone Cannot Be in Your

FRONT ROW