Everybody Kneeling ain't Praying: A Memoir

By Tara Tucker

"God is real. This is my story, open and authentic."

By the age of twelve, Tara had been abused several times by different people. When they stole her innocence and identity, she began a downward spiral using alcohol and marijuana to cope-no one suspected that this compassionate, cheerful woman

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tucker Publishing House, LLC
• Release date: Mar 25, 2022
• ISBN: 9798985956504

Book preview

Title.pngTitle.png

Tara Tucker

logo.png

Published in the United States

Warren, Michigan

Other Books

by Tara Tucker

Going Higher 12 weeks of reflection for the

woman of God (first and second editions)

Screams from the Church Pew (Anthology)

You’re Not Disqualified: How to release the pain for your past,

own your story, and move forward in purpose.

I’m Not Too Little To Write a Book, and Neither Are You! (Children’s Book)

Everybody Keeling ain’t Praying ~ A memoir

Published by Tucker Publishing House, LLC

www.tuckerpublishinghouse.com

© 2020 by Tara Tucker

©Revised 2022

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

No portion of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, recording, blogging, photocopying, mechanical or otherwise- without prior written approval from Tucker Publishing House, LLC or Tara Tucker, aka Author T. Tucker

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. | Scriptures marked KJV are taken from the KING JAMES VERSION (KJV): KING JAMES VERSION, public domain | © Copyright 2011 by the Common English Bible. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

ISBN 978-1-7344526-0-0

Trigger Warning

MOLESTATION, DOMESTIC ABUSE, LESBIAN ENCOUNTERS, AND RAPE ARE DISCUSSED IN THIS BOOK; SOME CHAPTERS HAVE DETAILED ACCOUNTS.

THIS IS A RAW AND TRANSPARENT ACCOUNT OF MY LIFE WITH ACTUAL QUOTES AND REALISTIC LANGUAGE.

Table of Contents

Trigger Warning

Dedication

Foreword

Introduction

Russian Roulette

Family Dynamics

Siblings

Mommy

Daddy

No Roots

Why Me?

Train Up A Child

School’s In Session

Sexual Confusion

More Trauma

Addictions

Again

Emotional Challenges

Baltimore

Rules Without Relationships

The First I Do

Opposites Attract

Jesus Started Calling Me

The Devil’s Money

New Places, New Faces

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

Pmdd

Saved And Smoking

Supernatural Intervention

The Worst Pain

Journal Entries

Breast Cancer

Embracing Change

God’s Will Vs. Our Will

The Cost Of Yes

Acknowledgments

About The Author

Dedication

Lord, I thank you. You’ve come into my life and given me a new one. Your mercy, love, and grace are unparalleled. Where would I be without You? As Nicodemus asked, How is it possible for an adult to be born? John 3:4a (CEB) You’ve shown me how possible it is. Thank you for new life.

I also dedicate this book to my mother. You wanted to write a book, and I hope this gives you honor. There is more to come, Mommy. I think of you daily. I miss you more than mere words could describe. You are my writing inspiration. You were a diamond in the rough. The rose that grew from the concrete. You always believed in me, even when I didn’t. Love you always. R.I.P.

And to Daddy. I miss you, Daddy. I miss your smile - Your laugh… I miss our talks. Change is possible, and I love the progression of our relationship. You will forever be missed. I love you always.

Has the Lord redeemed you? Then, speak out! Tell others He has redeemed you from your enemies.

—Psalms 107:2 (NLT)

F

oreword

My name is Rita Fields, and I am Tara’s friend. We attend the same church. I have known her for several years, and I have often been drawn to her spirit, without knowing why. I have always felt as though we were kindred sisters who had both been through a lot and had lived to tell it. I always sensed in her an unapologetic honesty that has also marked my existence but is sometimes rare in others. After reading this manuscript, I now understand why. I consider it a tremendous honor that she asked me to write the foreword and pray that I honor her effort and God’s work in her via this small contribution.

This book is truth. It is a deliberate revealing of Tara’s heart and mind and even her body in so many ways. One of the most undervalued elements of Christianity is our God-given obligation to share our testimony. I believe that God’s testimonies are His, and we are merely chosen to carry them. Consequently, I don’t believe we are authorized to edit them for ‘more palatable consumption.’ It is a rare individual who is truly so comfortable with herself and God’s miraculous presence in her life that she can open her proverbial cloak and expose herself in this way. I’m so grateful that she did, as it affords me yet another view of God’s consistent majesty in the lives of His children.

We all have stories, but as Tara expresses in this labor of love, many of us are hiding them and living in shame. As a sister who has also experienced difficult moments in her life, I have learned that healing is available to me as I am vulnerable in sharing my struggles. We are our brothers’ (and sisters’) keepers, and often the ability of an individual to completely bare themselves for the possibility that it may save another the same pain is what differentiates many who identify themselves as Christians from those who endeavor to truly walk with Christ.

I am writing this foreword to wholeheartedly endorse and support Tara’s commitment to sharing her story, despite the pain and discomfort it may have caused her in the recollection and the telling of said story. I believe that this book will release people from the chains that the enemy has wrapped around many lives and that it will be a conduit to the deliverance and peace that God desires for each of us. I pray that you receive this testimony as an additional reason to praise our Lord for his providence and deliverance in a world that is too often self-centered and dismissive of others’ pain. I pray that you are released yourself from the pain you carry.

Thank you, Tara, for walking in your destiny. God bless your words and His plan for those who read them.

Sincerely,

sine.jpg

Dr. Rita Fields, SHRM-SCP

I

ntroduction

I’ve sat in hotel rooms, apartments, and offices in commercial buildings, selling myself; Literally. I convinced myself that I was upscale because I was not walking the street. Oh, the lies we tell ourselves. We do that as people. We make comparisons. I make more money than you, so the debauchery I engage in is acceptable. You, of course, are low class and just nasty.

For the bulk of my life, I thought I was in control. I made great money and took care of myself. I did what I wanted, loved who I wanted, and had sex with whomever I wanted. There were little to no rules in my life. I thought I was living my best life. My thinking was jaded because of everything I saw from childhood until adulthood.

Who is faithful? People are liars, and everyone plays games. My world revolved around men, women, drinking, and weed. In a nutshell, sex was a driving factor for me. It gave me power over my prey. I didn’t realize I was a predator until later in life after many sessions with my therapist, Dr. Matthews. I had some serious issues. But they weren’t my fault.

Children are vulnerable. They are sponges and soak in words spoken to them and the environment they are planted in. They thrive or wither away based on the conditions. Children need love and protection, just as natural plants need good soil, sunlight, and water.

My mom loved me the best way she knew how. I know that now, as a mother myself. My dad, sister, and brother tolerated me.

I didn’t look like anyone in my family, so where the heck did I come from?

You’re adopted, my sister would taunt.

Crying, I would ask my mom, Am I adopted?

No, you came out of me, she would reply and sternly look and speak to my sister about such talk.

She eventually admitted that my daddy—the only daddy I’ve ever known—was not my biological father. He was only the biological dad to my brother and sister. That explains it, I thought. I wasn’t his, and he didn’t want me. But I’m the middle child. This family dynamic was confusing.

From childhood, I looked for acceptance first in my household and then from whoever would show me attention. I would adjust myself to be who they wanted. So, my acting career—for lack of a better word—began early.

Being rejected even in the womb and throughout my early life put me on a destructive path that only God could save me from. My body became a commodity, and I learned how to use it for my benefit. As I matured, I had no clue who I was and was often angry.

Sexually, I was fluid and did not think choosing was necessary. Live and let live was my motto.

I used to look in the mirror and see staring back at me a temptress. I would adorn myself with colored contacts, lashes, fake hair, and full-face makeup daily to create a new persona—One that was desired. My clothes were always as few as possible because I had a nice figure, and I thought if you had it flaunt it. I would get attention everywhere I went, but for the wrong reasons. The world was a stage, and I was an award-winning academy actress. Ha!

Children nor marriage were in my plans for my life. I just wanted to make money and have fun on my terms; I was a free spirit.

Cancer certainly wasn’t in my plans; neither was losing both parents, cousins, and countless friends. Being saved and going to church, either. Where did they do that at, was my thought process? Ha! I certainly metamorphosed into a new creature.

My life has been full of twists and turns. I went from a debased mind to a renewed one, being full of the Holy Ghost and ministering to people.

How did I get here?

This book spans 3 years. Writing it took me on an emotional rollercoaster, addressing situations I wanted to forget. I did many things that I am ashamed of. Somethings I said I would never do.

Then my daddy died in October of 2017, and I stopped writing altogether. The Lord continually told me to complete it, and so in 2018, I started writing again, trusting God and walking by faith despite my current circumstances.

I write about an identity journey in this book—not every detail of my entire life. Furthermore, I have received prophetic words regarding my testimony and how it would help many. However, it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer that I received a specific word from the Lord that there was a book inside me waiting to be written, and it was time to write the book of my testimony. After initial hesitation, I warmed up to the idea because people are hurting and thinking they are unworthy of God’s love or anyone’s. I want them to know that God loved us first before knowing who He was. In fact, He called me out of my mess. I wasn’t looking to be saved. I was quite happy in my life living on my terms.

This is for you: the liar; the homosexual; the one with the religious spirit; the double-mind; the prostitute; the fornicator; the angry one; the fighter; the smoker; the drunk—yes, this book is for you. The one who repeatedly messes up; the one who feels unworthy. The one who thinks they don’t measure up; the one who compares themselves to others. I was all those things. But God will use your failures for His glory! Hold your head up!

From my journey, you will see how one touch in 2010 was all I needed to propel me on my journey to finding out who I really am and who God truly is. This was therapeutic for me—a sort of purging. We live and go through trials and experiences pushing on, and many times, we don’t have to confront the past or relive anything. I had to face and relive my past through this writing.

I see how far I’ve come in my walk with the Lord and how lost I was in the world. I was blinded from the truth... I had a way in my eyes that was the right way to live as it says in the scriptures at Proverbs 21:2 (KJV), Every way of man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord pondered the hearts.

How many have experienced what I have, I wonder? How many are still in mental bondage from their past? I was in bondage for years, and if I don’t walk circumspectly even today, I will be again. The enemy tries me regularly to imprison my thoughts again in one way or another.

This is my story, and I make no apologies for it. This is my truth and journey. I lived this life, and I’m thankful to still be alive! I’ve been in situations that could have killed me, either immediate or slow.

I’ve learned not to despise my trials, as they’ve taught me patience and endurance. My trials have shown me how strong I am. Also, I’ve learned that Jesus can turn my ashes into beauty.

In my memoir, I have changed the names of some people to protect their identity; I am not trying to embarrass anyone or hurt them. It isn’t even about them. This is my story, my life, and my experiences.

God has gone before me; He qualified and positioned me for greatness despite my faults, trials, and failures. In fact, the Lord called me an author even before I had written even one book. I’ve since published 2 books.

Even though I speak candidly, it’s important to realize I am not glorifying the life I led. I want you to hear me in these pages and see how God worked through and in my life. I am sharing my life with you, including my private journal entries.

This is not a Christian book; it’s a memoir written by a woman who now lives for and follows Jesus Christ.

My prayer is that this book will help a family, a marriage, the confused and emotionally crippled; the one with the wall up, the one who doesn’t like to be alone and jumps from relationship to relationship, someone suffering from drug abuse, mental, emotional, and physical abuse, or even sexual abuse.

God is a Deliverer! He is a Healer! He is a Keeper! He is a Way-maker!

He has been that to me and so much more. He can also be those things to you if you allow Him. Come on this journey with me as I openly speak about my past and lead you to the present, where I am excited about my future.

Change is possible. Don’t let anyone hold you hostage because of your past. There is freedom in Jesus Christ.

Everyone has a story. This is mine. Open and Authentic.

—Tara Tucker

Russian Roulette

Wikipedia describes Russian roulette as a lethal game of chance in which a player places a single round in a revolver, spins the cylinder, places the muzzle against their head, and pulls the trigger.

This is what I was doing with my life, playing Russian roulette. Each stranger I opened the door to and let in could have killed me.

That is a scary reality but didn’t scare me enough to quit. As with any dangerous venture, we think, It won’t happen to me. The money was great, yet the danger was real. I remember one guy who scared me a bit, and I had to handle him carefully. He was new to me, but he had great reviews from previous Providers (other Escorts) because I checked. He came to me, seemingly nice. Our phone conversations were brief, but no warning lights went off inside me. He called from the parking lot, alerting me to his presence. I then gave him the room number and instructions on finding my room. I checked the mirror. Long, wavy blonde hair hanging to my lower back, hazel eyes, pink pouty lips, and a beautiful Blasian (Black +Asian) face staring back at me. I was not Asian, but my makeup enhanced my almond eyes, and I had an appearance of a biracial girl. It paid to advertise yourself as biracial in this business.

I turned around to check my backside. My black teddy was full of lace. I was slender then with big breasts, a small waist, and a supple bottom. Well proportioned, not like today’s new craze of false bottoms not well proportioned. I slipped on my studded stilettos, a request made by Jeff, my client who was on his way up to see me.

Knock, knock, knock. I quickly ran to the door and peeked through the peephole. I saw a tall white man