Finding a Life Partner: And Living with After Marriage

By Rajendra Gour

This is a valuable journey that the writer takes us all on in his book. He hopes the lesson he learned and the tips his book off ers its readers will make their life journey smooth and happy.

Is There a New and Better Way?

The writer tries to show how we can find and build a good relationship with a marriage partner. He deals with important cultural and societal issues that might lead to our not getting married and problems that can lead to divorce or worse after marriage. The author also discusses practical solutions and ideas for how we can address and resolve the problems that do often appear in all relationships and marriages.

It is most interesting that at the end the author strongly suggests that most good marriages do come full circle and both partners do accept that what they have is positive and spiritual and worth keeping. Th at is the valuable journey this writer takes us all on in this book and the lesson he hopes this book gives to his readers

Society always evolves, and it is always good to take what worked well in the past with you to create a better future.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Apr 6, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456726454

Rajendra Gour

Rajendra Gour worked with several organisations and has extensive experience in broadcasting, film and television productions, writing and teaching (media). Rajendra also independently produced short films from 1960s to 80s, and was honoured by the National Library Board of Singapore for the earliest known independent Singapore filmmaker (Pioneer). The films were screened at overseas film festivals and received accolades. These are now preserved by the Asian Film Archive, Singapore. His biography was recorded by the National Archive for preservation. He is currently writing novellas on social issues, and conducting Awareness Talks for masses, especially the Senior citizens, to keep their brain, mind, body (BMB) healthy to rekindle hope and happiness. His writings and talks are like film scripts that engage and uplift the readers and the audience with pictures and videos. Rajendra graduated in Cinema from the prestigious Film Institute, Poona (India) in 1963. He did his masters in Mass-communications from Leicester University in 1998. He is constantly and continuously upgrading his skills as a student for life, and sharing his experiences.

Book preview

Finding a Life Partner

And Living With After Marriage

RAJENDRA GOUR

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AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2011 Rajendra Gour. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 4/4/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4567-2646-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-2644-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-2645-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011904244

Printed in the United States of America

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

HOPE Creations

Project

OM

In memory of my parents

They loved and cared for each other throughout their lives.

They were perfect role models of unquestionable respect

between husband and wife.

My eldest brother Yashpal Gour

He gave me not only brotherly but also fatherly love, unconditionally.

Dedicated to

All Lovers

Contents

My Gratitude

Part 1

My Introduction

to

Arranged Marriages

My Journey to India

My Blind Dates - Matches Just For Me

Several Prospective Brides

My Last Blind Date

Matching The Horoscopes

An Auspicious Day for Marriage

Learning to Live In An Arranged Marriage

Part 2

Making Your Choice –

An Arranged Marriage

Or a Courtship Marriage

The Case For An Arranged Marriage

How Courtship Can Create a Mixed Marriage

When You Must Live With Your In-laws

Changing Behaviour After Marriage

Living for Companionship But Not as a Married Couple

Part 3

Do You Want A Way Out of Marriage?

Have Your Say and Live With It

Or Make a Change

Make a Wish and Keep It

Build an Even Better Marriage

My Gratitude

This book would have not been possible without:

My eldest brother, Yashpal, his wife, Swarn, my father-in-law, Narsingh Dev, mother-in-law, Sita Rani, and my brother-in-law, Raj Kumar. They have been catalyst in arranging my match with Kamlesh.

Kamlesh has been a loving wife and a wonderful mother of two lovely children, daughter Bharati and son Sanjay.

I am grateful to my friends and relatives for what I learnt from their lives.

I am grateful to the Indian Gurus who enlightened me on the art of living.

I am also grateful to all the writers who inspired me by their thoughts on relationship.

Last but not least I am grateful to Linda, the WriteWatchman on EditAvenue for editing.

- Rajendra Gour

Editor’s Note – Is There a

New Way Coming?

"As I read, I found that the writer is trying to show how to build a good relationship with a marriage partner. He deals with important cultural and societal issues that might result in our not getting married or problems that can lead to divorce or worse after marriage. The author also discusses practical solutions and ideas for how we can address and resolve the problems that often do appear in relationships and marriages.

It is most interesting that at the end the writer strongly suggests that most good marriages come full circle and both partners accept that what they have is positive and spiritual and worth keeping. That is the valuable journey this writer takes us all on in his book and the lesson he hopes his book gives to its readers"

Part 1

My Introduction

to

Arranged Marriages

My Introduction to Arranged Marriages

I opted to have arranged marriage. That might not be the best method of finding a bride or a groom. But there is also no guarantee that the initial love a couple experiences will blossom into a happy and lasting marriage. So, what is the solution to this dilemma, this contradiction?

In sixties and seventies, Indians living overseas travelled to India to find a bride or groom, a marriage arranged by their parents, relatives, or friends. I was no exception. I went there too from Singapore in 1970 to find a bride. Let me take you there again here. That journey will give you a peek into the prevailing environment and the conditions under which I had to travel. It will also immerse you in Indian and Singapore culture and history.

My parents passed away in the early 1960s. My eldest brother then took their place as head of our family. With this position, came the family responsibilities. We gave him his due respect. He believed that it was his duty to have me marry. So, he started looking for a suitable bride for me.

In the sixties and seventies, Indian boys usually got married as soon as they finished their studies and started earning money. When my brother asked me to get married, I was ready. I was thirty years old, had a good job, and knew I shouldn’t delay marriage any longer. But…get married to whom?

I had always avoided falling in love. I thought love was a distraction, and would not be able to concentrate on what I wanted to achieve. I would not be able to commit myself one hundred percent to what I wanted to do. I had given myself few chances to have a girl friend. I was not sociable. However, that did not mean I had no company or friendships. I was one of many like-minded people who were always dreaming about becoming a great film director. We often discussed film concepts over cups of tea in a corner ‘tea house’ where the present Dhobighaut MRT (mass rapid transport) station stands today. We stayed mostly in the company of boys although sometimes, girlfriends of my friends would join us.

I always kept myself at a distance from girls, even though I enjoyed their company and even admired some of them. Our conversations were strictly related to making movies, however. The girls I knew were either Chinese or Malays. The Chinese girls were mostly Christians or Buddhists, and the Malays were Muslims. Christians and Muslims had a strong belief in their religions. They were good persons as friends. They were caring and adorable. They were open-minded. Yet, when it came to religious matters, they would not give way and change at all. They had to have their say. So, there were very few inter-religious and inter-racial marriages that took place. Those who did marry of course always said that they were in love. Some adopted the religions of their spouses, while others did not. Some ran away from their homes to get married when their parents opposed the marriage. Race always remained the issue. Life was not easy for them as far as I knew. It was also difficult to gain acceptance from both family and society. They were caught in a net of differences, and getting free of that net it was often a major problem. I wanted to escape all these issues, if I could, before being caught in the same net myself. So, I started making personal preparations, gathered my thoughts and reflected on what I was looking for in a girl that I would choose to marry.

For me, when choosing a life partner, the similarities were more important because I thought these were measurable, and I could take a calculated risk, especially where ‘match- making’ was concerned. I had no such match in Singapore. You can say I did not find it or could not find it. Anyway, the population of Northern Indians was very small at that time. There were very few Indian professionals. Most were labourers, traders or businessmen. Almost all the Indians went to India to get their brides. There was nothing considered to be strange about doing that.

During the 60s and 70s, most of the marriages in India were arranged or ‘match made’. I had seen it also in my family. It was based on the assumption that a marriage is a contract (bond) between two families, not between two individuals. The parents used to advocate for them, saying, We always think the family way, and try to save the families from breaking up by considering all the factors before marriage. They also lamented, Nowadays the couple’s approach is very individualistic.

I recognized the merits of getting the families involved from the very beginning or at least seeking their approval.

The process of arranging marriages was both straightforward and systematic. However, it could also get complex and messy at times depending upon the people who arranged it or did the match making.

To know all the facts about a girl or a boy, the intelligence of the middleman had to be very good and reliable. However, the problem was the possibility of the middleman sometimes suppressing or hiding certain information, so that he had to be bribed. He could also tell lies. So, doubts were cast at times on the middleman’s honesty and capability. Parents and especially their educated sons and daughters started saying: "A middleman