Lost and Found: Help for Families Harmed by Problem Gambling

By Judith Sugg and Renee Siegel

Do you have a family member in trouble because of gambling? Awareness of the gambler’s problems is growing. Yet when gaming and gambling turn ugly, family members – spouses, children, parents, siblings, close friends -- suffer significantly also. This book is an aid and support for these family members. This is a book for families lost and wanting to find their way.
For years, the authors counseled problem gamblers, their children, their spouses, their parents, and all the other family members who get sucked into the gambling storm. They operate from a foundation of awareness, balance, and connection (ABCs). These ABCs are a way of understanding how and why some families and addicts get healthy—and why some do not. In this book, the authors ask the questions and give the story to help move families forward and heal.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Judith Sugg
• Release date: Jan 11, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311744401

Judith Sugg

Judy is a skilled teacher, writer, and strategic mentor. She uses her background an experience in corporate business, psychology and NLP to help individuals, families, teams, and companies become clearer about their vision, more skilled in their interactions, and more successful in their daily surroundings. She has a strong belief that we all have the desire to flourish and grow. She is a frequent speaker at events, has authored books on counseling, NLP and presentations. Judy has served on both for-profit and non-profit boards, conducted Board retreats and focus groups, and worked with businesses and individuals to craft and achieve their goals.

Book preview

HERE I AM

1. Before We Start…

Problem gambling consumes the addicted gambler and wounds the gambler’s family. Most of the attention directed at problem gambling is focused intently on the gambler. The family lives in the shadow.

Yet when gambling turns ugly, family members suffer just as much, or even more so, than the gambler. This is a radical statement since treatment and prevention are often focused exclusively on stopping the gambler. However, the family wounds created by gambling are a frightening truth for spouses, parents, and children. This book is for these individuals—it is for you.

For many years, your authors, Renee and Judy, counseled problem gamblers, their children, their spouses, their parents, and all the other family members who get sucked into this storm. We ourselves are also family members of problem gamblers, and Renee and her children know the drama, suffering, and the turning points in this journey intimately.

Renee and Judy operate from a foundation they call The ABCs, a way of understanding how and why some families and addicts get healthy—and why some do not. This orientation grew from Renee’s long experience in counseling addictions of all kinds and from working with gamblers and/or their family members. The ABCs are the cornerstone of (1) how we think about treatment and (2) how to diagnose problems in recovery and replicate successes. The ABCs stand for…

A is for awareness, and also for abstinence from destructive behavior

B speaks to encouraging more balance in our lives

C embodies the intent to bring more supportive connections into our lives; connections that educate, inspire, and buoy us up in difficult times

Why are these three aspects so important?

Simply put, people who live the spirit of the ABCs get better. They succeed long-term in turning their lives around. They foster better relationships, raise happier children, and find peace inside. These people continually check in about the balance in their lives in terms of how they spend their time, what they are thinking about, their emotions, and their physical health. They want and actively work at making connections with others who can support and inspire them. And, at the back of their minds, they are alert and aware of risks for sliding backwards. Slowly, they develop the habit of looking for opportunities to have the kind of life they want and deserve for themselves and their families.

Family members are often isolated. Is that true for you? They may live in communities where there is simply no access to counseling. As professionals, our strong preference is for family members to have trained support, but we realize this is not always possible. We hope this book bridges the gap and that the resources in this book provide continued support.

We wrote this book for individuals who are willing, despite crisis conditions, to consider long-term change. Our hope is to inspire a sense of possibility for the future. The first step in this journey is to examine what is going on now, and what is needed to move forward. In this book we’ll guide you through this process by asking…

What happened?

What helps with intense anger?

What decisions should be made soon?

What decisions need to be delayed?

How can family members protect themselves?

How does the family rebuild—financially and emotionally?

What is truly helpful and useful?

We leave magical thinking to the gamblers. The long-term richness of this journey is found by staying aware, by finding a bit of balance in the chaos, and by connecting with those who care, who can help, and who will provide hope and inspiration.

A Note for Counselors and Therapists

We wrote this book for counselors and family members alike. Even counselors familiar with problem gambling as a disorder may not know what families live through and how to help them most effectively. These pages can assist counselors in shortcutting the learning curve and can help them to guide their clients more quickly and gracefully. If you are a counselor, you might consider using this book as a resource for your clients. We hope the exercises found here will help enrich the treatment you are offering.

2. Where Do You Find Yourself Right Now?

Let’s begin. This self-assessment should give you some awareness of your own starting point and will help you realize that others share similar experiences, feelings, and reactions. It can give a counselor or helper insight into your mental and emotional experience. You will find a similar set of questions at the end of the book so you can track your own progress. You’ll notice what has shifted and what still needs attention.

1=False 2=Mostly false 3=In-between 4=Mostly true 5=True

1. I really don’t know enough about gambling, our finances, my situation, and my own mental and emotional state to make the best decisions moving forward.

2. I am very angry.

3. I have little confidence in my ability to figure out our financial situation.

4. I feel like I’m in shock. I feel numb, horrified, or stunned.

5. I don’t have support or a good network to help me.

6. My emotions are far from stable.

7. I have little vision for the future.

8. I should have known better. I feel weak or stupid.

9. I don’t know how to best respond to or interact with the gambler.

10. I don’t know how to respond to other family members or assist my children.

If you are a family member of a problem gambler, most of these will be true. If you are worried about a family member and gambling, then this book will provide good information and help raise your awareness so you can address the situation with skill.

3. Crisis

Every story is different. Yet every story starts with a jolt of shock, incredulity, or crisis. Anger and fear flourish in families harmed by gambling behavior. We asked one new client how she felt about her situation. She looked up and said: It feels like a tsunami is on the way. Can you relate to this soulful cry?

The public thinks of gambling as light-hearted fun and excitement. The stereotypical image of a problem gambler is a man down on his luck, a derelict in Las Vegas or Atlantic City. Only recently has the public acknowledged the problems of a 65-year-old woman working her way through her retirement money, or of a teenager over his head in debt. However, it is still uncommon to shine a spotlight on spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, children, parents, aunts, cousins, and siblings impacted by pathological gambling. No matter what someone knows about gambling disorders, they probably do not know much about what goes on with the family.

Blind to the problems the gambler is creating, families get sucked into a tornado of financial and emotional debt that leaves them disoriented, hurting, and angry. The devastating consequences of wanton gambling strike the family as hard as they do the gambler. Sometimes the consequences are harder. Children bear long-term effects from the emotional, legal, and financial problems that arise from problem gambling. Parents lose their retirement money. Siblings lend money and never see it again. It’s important to remember that problem gamblers can be pretty much anyone—young, old, male, female, of any ethnic background, geographical location, personality type. And, of course, family members can be just as diverse.

First Reactions

Fear, anger, and shock are usually the first reactions when learning about the damage caused by gambling. Anger probably tops the list. The sense of crisis is so vivid because last week felt so normal. In other words, what felt permanent and secure a few days ago has now evaporated.

Many spouses and family members start doubting their sanity, their perceptions, and their intelligence. How could they have missed the signals that seem so obvious now? Why didn’t they pay more attention?

We tell our clients: you may be angry, but you are not crazy. Madness lies in the gambler’s inexplicable actions, not in your normal reactions. Anger, confusion, and fear are normal reactions. We ask: Did your life seem pretty normal just a short time ago? Or, have you had suspicions over time that something was wrong? Did something happen that pointed to gambling as the problem? We remind people that a busy person may simply not see the signals.

While it is easy to see a dramatic effect on the pocketbook, problem gambling equally infects the hopes and dreams of the family members, the physical reality of car, house, and job, and one’s emotional stability and well-being. It can affect health, jobs, and friendships. It almost always impacts trust and self-esteem within the family and outside the family. Problem gambling enters the back door quietly, and then spreads through the house like a toxic gas.

As the facts fly in, the memory of the old life begins to feel like a fantasy, a lie. The mortgage payment was never made; the money wasn’t repaid; the explanations were lies, and the promises were broken. At some point there is the awareness that these incidents were not isolated. Rather they have been part of a larger pattern of addiction.

How do families respond? They respond like anyone who gets really bad news. They may at first deny the truth. They may start digging for facts and uncover more debts. They often try to help by finding the gambler money to pay off bookies. They still can’t believe a spouse or child or grandmother could