From Trauma 2 Triumph

By Antoinette Spade

Love. What is it? Can a person describe love? Can love even be described? Throughout time, it has been heard that love can be defined in different ways. That there are different types and styles. It has been heard that love could be defined as an attraction (driven by the chemicals in our brains such as adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin), an infatuation, a feeling, an emotion, an action and even as much as a choice. In this book you will read of how a woman experienced the Storge (empathy), Philia (friendly), Eros (romantic) types of love throughout her life at the onset of trauma that cost her identity, therefore, leading her through life searching for the only type of love that not only covered all her mistakes and bad decisions, but also experienced the only type of love that she needed called the Agape (unconditional) type of love. The trauma Antoinette experienced stemmed from various types of abuse she went through during her childhood at which when she reached her teen years had prompted her to embark on different endeavors during those years into the adult years of her life. The most crucial and important type of love there is to be found by everyone, including Antoinette. It was when she found that type of love did she realize that there really and truly was someone who did see her as a person, a human that noticed and loved her for who she was. Someone not only fully loved her, but also fully knew her even when she was in her mother’s womb. This love, my friend, was the love that she had been longing for, searching for her whole life. It took for her to experience this love that she finally recognized someone was chasing her all along and didn’t even know it. This love that was given to Antoinette was not merely because she was attracted by this someone, no, she was chosen by this someone because of the unconditional love that He had for her. He made a choice, which is an action. He made a sacrifice for her, but He knew He had to let her experience all that she did in order for her to find the love that she longed for. It has been 16 years since she has found this love and it hasn’t faded away for her, nor did it ever leave or hurt her, not one time. Because of this very reason, Antoinette would like to share who gave her this love and let you know that this love is being given to you too. I must assure you; Antoinette is of NO exception to this very love by any means and she would just like to share her story with you in hopes that you will find this very same love too. It doesn’t matter who we are, where we come from, or even what we did in our life because we too are worth being loved the very same way that she was at all costs. This love that Antoinette found was totally worth finding. She found it so worthy that she is willingly choosing to share it with all of us in hopes of us accepting the value of our own worth to accept this very same love too.
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• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Feb 11, 2020
• ISBN: 9781728334714

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Copyright © 2020 Antoinette Spade. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse    02/11/2020

ISBN: 978-1-7283-3472-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-3471-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019917811

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The Holy Bible, International Children’s Bible® Copyright© 1986, 1988, 1999, 2015 by Tommy Nelson™, a division of Thomas Nelson. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible, Copyright © 1983 by The Zondervan Corporation.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. [Biblica]

The Christian Standard Bible. Copyright © 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible®, and CSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers, all rights reserved.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Preface

Introduction

1.   Why was I Born?

2.   Who Am I?

3.   What can I do to return the favor?

4.   Too Soon, Too Late, Or Right On Time?

5.   Out of sacrifice, obligation, pity or love?

6.   True Freedom

7.   Fasting

8.   My Coping Mechanism

9.   My Outlet

10.   A Ministry of God’s for Women of all Ages

11.   Encouragement

Glossary

References

Biblical Education

Notes

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

My first & foremost thank you & utmost respect goes to the Only One deserving enough to be acknowledged, otherwise, this book wouldn’t even have come about. My reverence & appreciation goes to the only one true living God for allowing me to go through what I went through in life, because if I had not; I would not have become the woman I am. Since I have made the choice to live for Jesus Christ; I have been set free. I choose to be used by God, through Jesus Christ, and with the help of the Holy Spirit as one of His many vessels in order for Him to reach out to the women and girls that have a hunger for genuine, real and true spiritual freedom that they are looking for in their lives from the bondage that they are currently in or any additional healing that needs to take place from deep within themsleves, so that they too can experience what I have experienced once the choice of salvation had taken place in their hearts also. He did it for me and He wants to do it for you. The only way it will happen by making the choice to let Him; so will you?

I want to thank the man that I married in 2010 for spending his time overseeing our two beautiful boys that were entrusted to us & I pray that they will decide to choose to follow God’s divine design that was purposed for their life through my example of living a godly life and developing a close relationship with Jesus Christ and pours out into other relationships that I have and continued to create.

A special thank you goes to my parents for loving me through thick & thin. My Mother for naming me Antoinette. I discovered that my name means, priceless & that’s what WE ALL are to God, priceless! I also thank my mother for taking me to church since I can remember when. Genuine faith comes by hearing the genuine doctrine, the Word of God. As for my father, I thanked him for being so strict with me during my adolescent years during school, because he saw straight through to my heart & he tried in his own way to protect me the best he knew how. So thank you Daddy! I miss you dearly. You hold a very special place in my heart & I can’t wait to see you in the Promised Land of Heaven.

A special thank you goes to my cousin Sandra Spade-Aliff for taking time out of her daily schedule to help me make this possible as well. She is one of many women who I claim to be my sister, because I have no sister siblings of my own, but many around me more than make up for it for sure. She is there for me when I am in need. I love you Sandy.

I would like to thank Pastor James Neimond & Pastor Nick Smith for their obedience to God’s calling He had for their lives and accepting the position in being a part in my Baptism.

I would like to thank James Dobson, Kay Arthur, James Goll, Rick Warren, John Hagee, Charles Stanley, Dr. David Jeremiah, & Jenetzen Franklin for your obedience to what God had called each one of you to do. You each had a great impact on my life and helped my spiritual growth and walk with Christ in my life.

I would like to thank Pastor Aaron Benner for sharpening this sister in Christ.

I would like to thank everyone who was against me, those who spoke negative towards me, those who were rude and ignorant to me, and those who were just plain down right mean to me, because if it wouldn’t have been for those people, I wouldn’t have thought to turn to God who wanted me to have a relationship with Him & His Only Begotten Son, Jesus in the first place. I have come to realize this is why God ALLOWS evil in this world. By all means, this was not His intention from the beginning, however, He made a way for us so that we could choose to be set free by giving us His only begotten Son Jesus Christ everytime wer are in need. Whether we think we need Him or not, we literally do. Everyday we are given breath and place our feet on the floor, let alone throughout the night that we need breath to sleep.

I thank my two friends from high school, Lori Walters & Denise Benner for accepting me for who I was as a person in High School before Christ changed my life and continuing to be my friends after I chose to live my life for Christ Jesus.

I would like to thank every person in this world who had been moved from within, or inspired to get this book & read it. Whether it was a husband getting it for a wife, a pastor’s wife to help the women in her church, a woman who needed deliverance, a teenage girl that is hopeless, a sister in Christ that is in confusion, a mother, a grandmother, or even a pastor for his own wife. For those that have chose to read this book you have in your hand, I am hoping that the eyes and ears of your hearts open up from within you and allow God to use my life to penetrate into your mind and allow God to speak to you through the words that were written so that God may break you down just so He can build you up the way He desired to from the beginning of time, even when you were in your mother’s womb. Please, I am not saying that I am the saving grace, because I am not, Jesus Christ is the saving grace that we all need. I am just a human that was born a female of flesh and blood that experienced a life that God wants to use for the very sake of His Kingdom and others, such as yourself or anyone you may know. Jesus Christ, is THE ONLY WAY, THE ONLY TRUTH, & THE ONLY LIFE. He is the ONLY WAY OUT of this world of sin. I am just a mere vessel of clay that chooses to be molded by Him so that others may see that HE is real and that you are loved by Him just as much as He loves me. I hope that you, my friend, not only are given a different perspective on God’s love for you, but hopefully are changed by this very testimony, I also hope you are blessed beyond measure from this very life of mine. I pray that your relationship with Christ is strengthened after reading this book and for those who don’t have a personal relationship with Him, that you find Jesus Christ on your journey here on earth before it is too late. My desire for you is that you allow Him to do way more through you than I ever did, because with Him nothing is impossible, nothing! Without Jesus Christ, nothing is possible, nothing! I also desire that you see how God was with me all the while I was experienceing pain, grief, hurt, and every other feeling & emotion that we can go through as humans. God is definitely more than WORTHY of appreciating, worshipping, following, honoring, living for, loving, obeying, trusting, honoring, telling others about, sharing with others, not being ashamed that He loves you & accepts you for who you are. It is His will that you choose to surrender to Him so that He changes you into His Son’s image, so let Him. As you read my story, You may think what He did for me was BIG, but I just want to tell you that what He wants to do for you is just as BIG or even BIGGER that what He did for me & I hope that what He does for you is BIGGER than what He did for me. God is about change, He is about the newest thing that needs changed in this rapid, sinful, downspiralling world, and He is about AGAPE LOVE that covers every sin except for the blaspheming of His Holy Spirit. If you should happen to not understand what I mean, I encourage you to clear your heart, your mind, and your spirit and ask Him genuinely to teach you what He means as you read the scriptures that are written out for you as well as some very important topics that are given in the Biblical Education Section of this book for your reference. Just ask and rest assure He will answer and teach you. Matthew 7:7-8, Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. (Jesus’ own words. The Open Bible KJV.) Let Him teach you everything you need to know because I can honestly say that it will be the TRUTH, and the truth will set you free, free indeed! Truth and life are what we need, not someone else’s opioion or teaching that He may have tought them. He uses others’ teachings to bring light to topics for clerification, better understanding, or even additional advice to be put into thought, however, that doesn’t mean that what you are hearing from others is the right and exact way, it’s just so God can help you clear out some of the fog that may be interfering with any decisions, choices, or further understanding of any one given scripture to guide you in the right direction for your life that is currenly needed at that specific time. We are all different. He wants to use all of us that will allow Him. He wants to teach all of us that will allow Him. He wants to lead all of us that will allow Him. He has a different purpose for each of us individually because we are all different. I tend to see God the same way I see a disco ball. Have you ever seen a disco ball when it is in motion as the lights are beaming on it? It is constantly turning and different multiple rays of rainbow colors are richoching back at us and we see this beautiful object giving us beauty as it is what is supposed to do at its best. Shine, shine, shine. Portray different colors al at the same time. Well, that’s how I see God as He is continuing to work His hands on each of us and only when we allow Him, will be not only richoche off beautiful colors. But, we will also be in His diret will and be fulfilling His purpose He has for each of us since the beginning of time. It will be multifaced beauty that He will display in this world while we live in it. We must allow ourselves to be broken, with a contrite heart, teachable, moldable, bendable, willing to change, willing to be still, willing to listen, willing to respond, willing to obey, willing to move, willing to accept all that He has for us regardless it is right or wrong in our own eyes, willing to be courageous, willing to be bold, willing to fight, willing to grow, willing to know, willing to perservere, willing to be patient, willing to help, willing to reach out, willing to bear each others burdens, willing to walk along side of one another, willing to give, willing to receive, willing to just BE for GOD. We must be willing to allow Him to lead us differently. In His very own way that is suiting to how, why, & the exact purpose He created us to be used for His glory and for His Kingdom to be built. This may look different to everyone around you, but the root of the purpose will be the same in everyone and that root is JESUS CHRIST! He will be the drive behind it all. He will be the reason behind it all. He will be the why behind it all. He will be the who behind it all, because HE will BE behind it ALL! God Bless You. Run the race to win so that we can share the victory that has already been won at the Cross of Calvary. I pray that you have a burning, zealous desire to do what God burdens you to do for Him, so that we can meet in Heaven and have eternity to talk about it. Besides, who else’s side would you rather be on when it comes to battles in this world, one who is love and has all the control or one who is hate and is given all the control to fight for you? I want to give you a little hint: One will continue to love you once He is given the chance to have you & one will do anything to get you just to turn around and give up on you and hate you still even after you allow him to defeat you. Agape love can never turn into hate, but hate can always turn over to agape love.

PREFACE

I would like to boast about how the One and Only living God the Father, God the Son, & God, the Holy Spirit saved my life. God gave, His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, born in the flesh, through a woman named Mary, up so that I would one day make the choice to gain mine. He didn’t do it for me alone; He actually did it for all of humanity that has ever been given breath at the onsite of conception in a woman’s womb. I want everyone who reads this very book they have in their hands to remember this. Jesus Himself really didn’t want to die for us, because He asked His Father to take this cup from me if it is His will and becuase it wasn’t God’s will for Jesus not to die for all humanity’s sin, Jesus Himself loved His Father so much that He wasnted His Father’s will to be done and He did everything and anything His Father asked Him to do and this sacrifice was the ultimate act of love no one else could fulfill humanly speaking. I want you to understand and allow this to sink in that Jesus made this choice to do this for all mankind including you and me. Because I actually felt Him come into my heart and transformed my life by forgiving me of all my sin I ever committed, I not only thank Him for shedding His precious blood for my iniquities & my transgressions, but, I also thank Him for loving even me when I wasn’t lovable & for bringing me out of the bondage of sin that I was in. Experiencing this first hand caused me to become overfilled with joy, love, compassion, and empathy for anyone who may be or has experienced anything close to what I experienced in my life before I found the Only Once who could and chose to fix it all for me and that person was Jesus Christ, by the power of His Heavenly Father, God Himself, whom names Himself as YAHWEH!

INTRODUCTION

As a child, this is what went through my mind frequently. Why was I even born? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve all that I ever gone through? I wasn’t asked to be born, so why me God? These were the questions I found myself asking into mid air. God called me to write about my life. The moment I started typing this out on computer, I didn’t realize what it was exactly He was doing when He sent me mentally all the way to the beginning of my childhood as far as I could remember. I must say, that when He did, boy did I get a surprise of my life. The results of this obedience was life changing and so as I accept His command by submitting myself to do as He wishes, I hope and pray that this changes you for the betterment of your lives and using my story as a stepping stone for your relationship with Christ. My prayer for all who are reading this isn’t for your pity, but only for JESUS CHRIST to be EXHAULTED. My mere purpose is to step back and allow God to have the spotlight of my life so that not only will I be more understood as a person who is just as normal as everyone else, but also a person who was looking for love in all the wrong places in which I thought was right until I found out exactly what love is, what love truly meant, and what love really does to a person once accepted and felt for the very first time in my life. I pray that at the end of my story, you will not only see the power of Jesus Christ, but you will also see just how much He loves us as unworthy, undeserving, unfaithful, untrusting people that we are. You will see and understand me more in a personal way, however, I pray that you use my mistakes, experiences, prayers, encouragement, guidance, Godly wisdom, and Godly advice for your self growth, as well as passing this on to those who you know that may or are going through this very same thing or even similar things as to what I went through to help others and yourself. The reasons for the purpose of this book is to show God’s LOVE, GRACE, MERCY, PERSERVERANCE, CHASING, PROTECTION, GUIDANCE, WILL, AND PLAN not only for my life, but for all who read this so that you can get help or others can recieve help through you because you may be the only one willing to read it in your circle of friends & God knows that you are the only one who will testify to others. I thank you so much for opening up your heart, mind, and understanding to want to get to know more of God’s work through my life. I pray that this book blesses you in ways beyond imagination. I pary that this book inspires you, encourages you, defines you, helps you, teaches you, shows you, guides you and reminds you of God’s LOVE for YOU & ALL MANKIND. I hope my strory is a helpful tool that you allow to help you, because He chose to create you in your mother’s womb so that you also would be living here to hopfully find your purpose as you live here on earth, just as I did. You will also find your eternal destiny. God’s desire for all mankind is to be reuntied back to Him and He made the ultimate sacrifice to do so by creating Himself into the fleshly form of a man, which He called His own begotten Son & He named Him JESUS CHRIST. I can’t explain how God did this. I tried to figure this out and it got me nowhere but to complete astonishment of His ability. God needed His Son Jesus to go through all that He did to the point of death & ressurection so that you & I could be reunited with all who are in Heaven. Please know that He does give us the free will to choose, just as He gave Jesus a choice. He knew Jesus was going to complete the work of His Father because of the LOVE He has for His father as well as the love He has for us, otherwise, He would’ve never had to supply us with the BIBLE. Jesus has the same love for His Father, just as the same love we have for our fathers. Regardless of how our fathers treated us as we were growing up, somewhere down deep inside of us there is a part of us that will always have a love for our fathers, regardless! Jesus forgives! Jesus loves! Jesus cares! Jesus wants!Jesus sees!, Jesus hears!, Jesus fights!, Jesus prays!, Jesus bears!, Jesus knows!, Jesus is! and Jesus is with us; ALL! For ALL Mankind. Jesus did what He did for His Father, you, me, and everyone in between around this whole world. If Jesus wouldn’t have done what He done; He would never be able to save us. If we wouldn’t go through a difficult life; we wouldn’t be able to relate just a smidget of what Jesus went through in His life FOR us!

CHAPTER 1

Why was I Born?

Childhood Years

For me, growing up as a child seemed very hard, because the memories I had during my childhood years weren’t memories any parent would want their child to remember, let alone experience. As I begin, please know that eventhough I may not be happy to express how I feel or even who I am, God allowed everything that happened, that I share, for His glory and for my greater good as well as others who may be involved with this journey of mine. Please understand that I am not purposly hurting anyone, I’m just expressing truth and I will also share what God has to say about the topics that I discuss in my journey. Whether the things that took place in my journey was in my control or not. Understand that I am not blaming anyone for anything that happened in my life, nor am I mad at what happened in my life because life is too short to hold grudges, be mad, get revenge, or even build resentment and walls against anyone because of what all happened in my life. Writing this book was exactly what needed to take place to heal me from the very depths of my heart, soul, mind, and spirit and this is why God called me to write it; He healed me during the process and I actually saw by the very end, what went on in my life has become more commonly accepted by this cynical, sinful, crooked society than I actually thought. Remarkable!, but thankful because not only do I realize that I am not the only one who experiences these crazy acts of sin, but many who are still acting crazy in sin will know that there is a totally different way for them and that there is a way out! I actually became normal. Yeah normal. What’s normal? Living for Jesus Christ; that’s what’s normal and anything other than that is abnormally normal. However, to understand that, you must become normal. You must go against the grain of abnormality to normal.

To begin this journey I must tell you that there is a reason why we should know who our relatives are. I say that because I am a child who had parents that were cousins. Now some may think that is not so, but it is. Is this normal? I know it is happening out there more than anyone may tend to agree with me. Either way, God considers it to be incest and that is sin in God’s eyes. If you are interested in understanding how God sees it this way, please turn to the Topic Section in the back of this book and you will find all that God has to say about it. All sin has consequences. All sin, not just big sins, little sins, or even half sins, no. All sins. All sin, but one. All sin is forgivable all sin, but 1. At that is the blaspheming of the Holy Spirit. I am not the consequence to my parents sin, but I was affected by their sin. We and others are affected by the consequences to our sins. However, the affects that I experienced I am not fully certain on, but I do believe this is why I could’ve became a victim of sexual abuse for 13 years of my childhood starting at the age of 2 and ending by the age of 15. I was also bullied since the 2nd grade in elementary school by classmates. Feeling like no one loved me, being envious of the people around me and taking my hurt out on them in every chance I could get by placing blame on them and getting into fights with him because I wanted them to feel the hurt that I was feeling and that was very wrong on my part as a child, but I had no idea how else to express my hurt, pain, & rejection. My parents surely didn’t understand me and I think it was because they were too broken themselves to really know where & how to get me help since their focus was on everything other than we children. I am not justifying for my parents, however, I do know that hurting people, hurt people & healed people heal people. By the age of 8, I started to turn to food for comfort which ended up becoming an addiction that I still battle with to this very day. Back then, it was my outlet for comfort, love, satisfaction, & relief because it didn’t make fun of me, it didn’t try to hurt me, it was quiet, it didn’t yell at me, it was always there for me and so this became very easy to turn to everytime I was emotional about my hurt and pain. Through this I became obese, experiencing more guilt because I felt like a pig after I found myself at the bottom of a huge bag of potato chips or emptying a whole bag of candy. This became a way of life for me and it opened up the door to become a victim of being bullied. The bullying started in the 2nd grade of elementary school. I can remember a special day our school would hold an event called Field Day which consisted of all students grades 1-6 to be challenged with timed physical activities. When it was my turn to do sit ups, I couldn’t meet the number in a specific amount of time & the other students just hovered around me & laughed as if I were a wimpy kid. I would always place last in running laps. The pull ups that were to be performed above the doorway were impossible for me because I wasn’t strong enough to pull all my weight up to the bar. Each time it became my turn to participate I would look around just to see if anyone was watching and sure enough there were a few, and for that mere fact, I didn’t want to do it at all. However, I forced myself to at least attempt because I knew it was required. It affected me mentally and emotionally especially when I would hear smirks, and laughter in the background. Leaving me not like myself even more and wished I wasn’t ever born so that I didn’t have to experience this. Surely being bullied, mocked, and made fun of wasn’t the support that I needed. I got to the point that I felt that I needed to accept it because it wasn’t goign to change.

No one encouraged me or even tried to help make it seem easier for me, not even the teacher. As I look back at it at this point in my life the possiblility of God allowing me to go through that only gave God the opportunity to use it for His Kingdom and my greater good. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to share this with to this very day and express sympathy in such a way that I can be empathatic towards others. Regardless, at that time it