Deliverance to a Fresh Spirit: 12-Step Guide for Ending Toxic Relationships and Overcoming Their Effects

By Conte Morgan Terrell

Deliverance to a Fresh Spirit is a must read book for women who are tired of toxic relationships. Every woman wants to have a healthy relationship. This biblically-based guide can help you learn how to have just that. Using six real life stories of women who have overcome their toxic relationships, personal emotionally development exercises and examples from their own struggles, Christian Counselor / Therapist Conte Terrell helps women whether married or single understand and change the way they love to get the love they want.

She has taken a truly gutsy, courageous approach to help others.

You are someone you know needs this book.

This Powerful Book will help you :

* Acknowledge the truth about your toxic relationship

* Free yourself from destructive loving

* Empower your life

* Heal from past dysfunctional relationships

* Have the confidence to get the man you want

* Recognize Mr. Wrong

* Spot signs of abusive personalities

* Increase your faith and trust God for a new life

Be Delivered!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: May 28, 2004
• ISBN: 9781418414504

Conte Morgan Terrell

Conte M. Terrell is a survivor of a ten-year marriage to a physically abusive spouse.  This experience led her to start Fresh Spirit Wellness for Women, a non-profit organization  and becoming a Certified Christian Counselor and Life Skills Coach.  Conte is a much in demand speaker and educator, facilitating wellness support groups, teaching classes, speaking at seminars and conferences. She has conducted professional development training for Fortune 500 companies and organizations. Her unique talent for applying God's Word to real life situations and her desire to see people made whole has changed the lives of many, which keeps her committed to God and this ministry, which is geared to give support, prayer, inspiration, healing and growth to those who are hurting.

Book preview

Deliverance

to a

Fresh Spirit

Twelve-Step Guide for Ending Toxic Relationships and Overcoming Their Effects

by

Conte Morgan Terrell

© 2004 by Conte Morgan Terrell. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 05/19/04

ISBN: 1-4184-1450-6 (e-book)

ISBN: 1-4184-1449-2 (Paperback)

ISBN: 1-4184-1448-4 (Dust Jacket)

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version ®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

The NIV and New International Version trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by International Bible Society. Use either trademark requires the permission of International Bible Society.

Cover design by Visual Connections

To:

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From:

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Contents

Acknowledgements

Dedication

Preface

Part I: Ending Toxic Relationships

STEP 1 Acknowledge and Accept the Truth

STEP 2 Find Freedom

STEP 3 Resolve the Resentment Issue

STEP 4 Empower Your Life

STEP 5 Surrender to God and Seek Support

STEP 6 Heal with Patience and Activity

Part II Overcoming the Effects of Toxic Relationships

STEP 7 Share Your Testimony

STEP 8 Pray and Praise Persistently

STEP 9 Improve Your Quality of Life

STEP 10 Remember and Recognize

STEP 11 Increase your Intimacy Level

STEP 12 Trust Again

Promises from God for:

Important numbers and National Hotlines

Suggested Reading

Permissions

An invitation to write

About the Author

Acknowledgements

First, I must give thanks to you heavenly Father, through all of my mistakes and errors your grace, mercy, and compassion took care of me and kept me safe from my enemies. Thanks for being with me through all of my successes and bringing me to victory.

I would like to take this opportunity to give special thanks to some very special people. I have been truly blessed to have so many loving, kind and supportive friends, associates and family members.

To my Family, my mother, Mary L. Morgan (Madear), my sisters, Dr. LaRita Primrose, Melgenia Redd, and Tremayne Jones, thanks for being the best big sisters a girl could have. To all of my precious nieces and nephews, Shabaz, Jamico, Chetuan, Jaronda, Marques, Marquita and baby Bryston, you all are the children that I never had and the joy of my life. To my brother-in law Vernon Redd you are truly like a brother to me, I appreciate all of your help and business advice. To my other siblings Virginia, William (Bill), Charles, Joan, Beverly, and Michael, dad would be proud to see how we have remained close, and to all of my extended family and loved ones, I love you. Thank you so much for all of your love and constant support.

To my friends, Cheryl Stephens, Angela Kidd, Gayonna McCrimmmon, Barbara Hardy, Cynthia Harris, Jan Meadows, Satina Pyron, Robin Gilbert, Shawn Burt, Elia Graves, Kimberly Patterson, Jacquelyn Jackson, Sharon Dykes, Richard Miles and Michael Clay, many of you have known me since childhood and our friendship has stood the test of time but, all of you have been with me through some ups and downs. Thanks for sticking by me through it all. I will never forget your unconditional, non-judgmental love and friendship.

Thanks to all of the special supporters of Fresh Spirit Wellness for Women, Bill and Sara Morgan, Richard Miles, Charles Polk, Inge Heidecker, Emelda Douglas, Francie Willis, Felicia Moon, and James and Mary Prince. Thanks for supporting and believing in the vision God gave me to help hurting women.

Thanks to those who worked to make this book possible, chief editor Chandra Sparks Taylor, Diane Eaton, Jacquelyn Jackson, Marques Redd, Rita Obey, Antoinette Latham, Richard Miles, and Marilyn Marshall.

Thanks to the book cover designers, stylist and artist, graphics, photography, hair stylist and make-up artist, Varoy and Patricia Davis, Cathy Ard, Sam, and Adji, you all are the greatest. I appreciate everything.

Thanks to my Pastor, Ralph Douglas West, Sheretta West, and the Brookhollow church family. Pastor West, you are a major credit to the tremendous spiritual growth and positive changes made in my life, thanks for being such a great shepherd. Also super thanks to my home church family of Mt Zion 2nd Baptist in Atlanta, Ga. for giving me my foundation.

Thanks to my adopted families, the Ingram, Hopkins and Stiner families, a special appreciation goes out to you for being my family away from home, thanks for embracing me into your families as one of your own.

Special thanks to all of those who so bravely allowed me to share their stories and testimonies and to those that I quoted for sharing your wisdom with the world.

This list is by no means complete and if I have forgotten anyone please forgive me, God bless you and thanks for being in my corner.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my phenomenal mother Mary L. Morgan known affectionately as Madear. Mother you are truly the wind beneath my sail. You have always known exactly what to say or do to keep your baby girl spiritually grounded and moving upward.

I thank you for your many words of wisdom, strength and kindness. Thanks for all of your letters and notes of encouragement, inspiration and motivation. No matter how low I’ve been you were the one that was able to lift me. No matter how high I’ve gotten, lovingly you were the one who could humble me. No matter how weak I’ve gotten you were there to strengthen me and no matter how lost I’ve been you were the one who helped me find my way. Thank you for raising me with your everlasting, unconditional love. Thanks for always seeing the shining star in me no matter what. It is because of your belief in me that I believed in myself. I thank God for the blessing He gave me in you. You are my hero and I salute you and honor your greatness. Mom, I love you and you will be my inspiration, always.

Preface

There have been many books written to help women receive healing and deliverance from bad relationships. So I was not quite sure why the Holy Spirit wanted me to write another one. Though I am a Christian, I married a physically abusive man, questioned my sexuality, tried drugs, and had a host of other bad habits. I wondered why me. I am eccentric, outspoken, and like to tell it just like it is. Then it hit me. Maybe that’s why God wanted me to write this book. Maybe God didn’t want another conservative, Goody Two-shoes Christian book that barely scratched the surface of the real problems that women believers and nonbelievers are facing today. Maybe He needed a Christian who wasn’t too ashamed to tell her story and show others that bad things really can happen to good people, and good people make bad choices too. He probably needed me to simply tell people what I’ve learned and how it’s changed my life, knowing that I would tell the good, the bad, and the ugly. Maybe He needed a writer who was eccentric, outspoken, and wasn’t afraid to write about all of the silent secrets and hush-hush issues and commit bad words, situations, and circumstances to paper. Maybe He needed someone to honestly help you and other women who are dealing with dysfunctional relationships, but are not talking about what they are dealing with.

I am someone who is not afraid to candidly write about toxic relationships that involve verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse as well as incest, molestation, rape, and lesbianism. I’m someone who would through good basic Bible doctrine openly deal with overcoming issues that people try to sweep under the rug. I guess God knew that I had a story to tell before I realized it. Just maybe He needed someone to write about the pain of living with an abusive or cheating man, an alcoholic, or a drug addict. Maybe God felt like it’s time that women really work on the reasons why we accept the unacceptable and why we stay with men, whether it’s because we are afraid to give up our plush lifestyle or think that we can’t do any better. I wonder if He felt that it was time that He set free all of the women who had been held hostage to shame, guilt, codependency, depression, low self-esteem, and no self-confidence, all as a result of the sick behavior of someone else. God knew that you were ready to make a change. I wonder if He needed someone to teach women that toxic relationships can include those with your lover, husband, parents, children, or friends. At any rate, I was thrilled and shocked that He chose me to be the vessel through which He worked.

During my research for writing Deliverance to a Fresh Spirit, I quickly uncovered proof that solidified my beliefs that toxic relationships are no respector of person. I interviewed so many different women. It does not matter whether you are a celebrity or the wife of a celebrity. It does not matter whether you are a woman in politics or the wife of a politician. It does not matter whether you are the head of the household or a housewife, or if you are a pastor or the wife of a pastor. It matters not if the whole world knows you or whether no one knows you. Your age, race, background, economical and social status makes no difference. Toxic relationships hit all—no one is exempt. It is safe to say that either you or a woman you know has been involved in some kind of toxic relationship, either as a child or an adult. Oftentimes, we are close friends and even relatives to someone who will never mention being raped, molested, or who is constantly cheated on. For those reasons and more Deliverance to a Fresh Spirit was written for all women.

Unfortunately, bad, unhealthy, dysfunctional, toxic relationships are not hard to find. This is not to say that there aren’t great relationships out there, but because of all the baggage from the bad ones, most of us women wouldn’t know a good relationship if it was staring us in the face, nor would we be ready if and when one came along. This book can help you help yourself or someone else in a toxic relationship. It can serve as your guide to end a bad situation, as your friend to help you overcome the hurt and pain of toxic relationships, and as a support to you during the stages of healing from your unhealthy behaviors or the unhealthy behaviors of others.

Because each of us is at different levels of emotional recovery and carry different amounts of baggage, some areas of this book will apply to you more than others. I suggest that you read this book in its entirety; then, at any given time you can pick it up and choose the steps you need to minister to you at that particular moment. This book is designed not only as inspirational and supportive reading, but it also has real-life stories to which you will be able to relate, as well as practical exercises to enhance your personal and emotional development, valuable information such as life-applicable Bible verses and national hot line numbers. This book is your personal tool for receiving healing and rewarding relationships, do the exercises, highlight and mark parts that are important to you. Be sure to take advantage of all that this book has to offer.

Writing Deliverance to a Fresh Spirit helped me to realize just how broken down my spirit was from my toxic relationships and that the brokenness sent me down a whole new path of dysfunction and destruction. Toxic relationships tear, tarnish, and rip away at our spirits. They can leave us drained, ashamed, guilty, angry, hurt, and filled with a stony heart and a cold spirit. Every breakup or toxic relationship in your life leaves some brokenness, and every time there is brokenness it adds to your baggage. Women who have experienced toxic relationships need our own recovery system. We need to be refreshed, renewed, and replenished.

During my research, I also realized that there was a twelve-step or recovery program for just about everything except women recovering from the vast amounts of toxic relationships. There is a twelve-step program for alcoholics, drug addicts, sex abusers, gamblers, and every other kind of compulsive, addictive, or destructive behavior. I did not find any twelve-step program that was exclusively for women dealing with dysfunctional, unhealthy, toxic relationships. It’s no wonder why we make the same mistakes and create new ones when it comes to choosing a healthy partner.

Deliverance to a Fresh Spirit has been a growing and cleansing process for me. When the Spirit originally led me to write this book, I didn’t think that I could commit to doing it. After a lengthy deliberation, I consented to the Lord’s wishes. It wasn’t long before I realized that the Holy Spirit was the author and that I was merely the person whom He had chosen to put the words on paper. For that, I am grateful and give to You, Lord, thanks and praises. I thank You, Holy Spirit for being patient with me during the times that You were giving me just what to write and I procrastinated, questioned, or disobeyed altogether. I thank You for loving and forgiving me in spite of myself. Thank You for renewing a fresh spirit in me.

To the women who will read this book, I pray that you will be as renewed and refreshed reading it as I have been writing it. Though I warn you before the renewing and refreshing may come some hurt and pain. Anytime there is mending of brokenness, there must be acceptance of truth, and the truth can hurt and be painful. The goal of the Holy Spirit and myself is to turn those old wounds into scars that can no longer hurt or hinder you, but serve as a reminder of what you have made it through and from where God has brought you.

I know that you will learn to love yourself as God loves us unconditionally. This is the opportunity to come to God just as you are. You may be broken, but not yet beaten; confused, but not yet cast out; desperate, but not yet destroyed. Allow God to support and guide you to a better way of living. Whatever your individual situations may be, God can use the Holy Spirit to work with you and through you to obtain true inner healing as well as inner peace. I congratulate you in advance for acknowledging that you are not whole and for having an open mind and a willing heart. Keep the trust, hope, and faith. God will be sure to do the rest. This is where the hurt turns to healing and genuine joy for living begins. Get ready to have healthy, wholesome relationships and the ability to enjoy good love in your life. God bless and deliver you with a fresh spirit.

Part I:

Ending Toxic Relationships

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STEP 1

Acknowledge and Accept the Truth

Spiritual growth results from absorbing and digesting truth and putting it to practice in daily life.

— White Eagle,

philosopher

Acknowledge the Truth

My life story went from one extreme to another. Imagine reading a fiction story and the main character is a young woman, single, happy, popular, and enjoying life. Then imagine that some pages are missing from the book. When the story continues again, she is married to a very abusive man. She is isolated and miserable. A few more pages are missing and, this time, you discover she is divorced and dating a woman exclusively. You probably would want to know what happened between the missing pages. Well, so did I.

I wondered what happened to the young girl who grew up so happy and confident. I wanted to know what happened and when, that caused me to be attracted to people who were not good for me. What was it that kept me bound to those who I thought loved me yet would abuse me? Why did I give up on men? You see, my life had taken some drastic turns, and I did not know how I had gotten to such a God-forsaken place.

Trying to find out where I lost control, I began to roll out the script of my life. I believe that what we become as an adult usually is a direct result of our upbringing. I examined my early childhood, and at first glance I had a wonderful one. I grew up in a loving Christian home, with a family who loved and supported me. I received a lot of attention as a child. I was spoiled and usually got things my way. I had always been very meticulous about the way that I looked. Even as a child I remember hating to get dirty; I was really girly. I was then and still am. I was always very friendly to the camera. I enjoyed posing and taking pictures and others would tell me that I was photogenic. My hair had to be perfect always. As a matter of fact, I had to be perfect. I guess it’s my personality because much of that is still the same.

I then examined my relationship with my mother and my father. My mother and I have had a pretty great relationship with the exception of my early teenage years, and I contributed to that since I wanted to date, and she, being a good mother, felt that I wasn’t ready, and she was right. I’ve always admired and respected her. She has always been there for me and has been a huge spiritual motivation in my life. I could only find things that strengthened me when I examined our relationship.

I then began to focus on my relationship with my father. That was a different story altogether. I didn’t grow up in the same house as my father. We lived in the same city and we saw each other regularly, but it wasn’t quality time. He and my mother remained close and actually had a very good relationship, so it wasn’t like he was totally estranged. I never really felt close to him growing up, but by the time I was an adult, we had become much closer. Prior to that I didn’t really know him. I wrestled with feelings of dissatisfaction with him, thinking that my father could and should have done more for my sisters and me. My two childhood best girlfriends both had traditional families, with both a mother and a father at home, and each of them had a brother. I often imagined what that would be like. As a child I created an imaginary dad. I would make up a lot of fantasy stories about him. I never missed the brother part of the equation.

As I grew older I learned to accept my father for what he was able to be for me. By the time my father was elderly, our relationship had grown and become more and more precious. We would talk, and he began to share his feelings, something that he would never do when I was growing up. As a child his way of letting me know he loved me was giving me money for ice cream or popcorn. He became a man whom I delighted in calling Daddy and respected. I later realized that he was a product of his childhood and only showed his love as he knew how. I grew more and more impressed with him in those later days. My father passed away halfway through the completion of this book. I remember looking at him on his dying bed and wishing that I had spent much more quality time with him. Though he is now gone, I’ve learned more about him and myself since his death. It turns out that he had been the missing link in my life. The missing part that contributed to the void that I was unknowingly trying to fill.

Hindsight leads me to believe that throughout my life, subconsciously, I was searching for a father. I was searching for that fantasy man just like my fantasy dad. I longed for something that I never had. I longed for a man to take care of me. I had all the love, affection, and attention that one person could stand from my grandmother, mother, and sisters, but deep down I guess it was still not enough. I was missing the care of a man in my life, the attention and