Wrong Turn: (Diary of a Good Man)

By Ondray Pearson

Explore in a TRUE story of the many ups and downs and painful consequences that one man felt while trying to find "True Love". His decisions and choices at times during these relationships were not always the "right ones". Balancing at times more than one relationship at a time, he knew in his heart that if he made "ONE" mistake he could lose the very thing he craved from all of them, their "Love". Read and try to understand what makes a "GOOD" man do bad things.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Mar 25, 2008
• ISBN: 9780595601172

Ondray Pearson

Ondray Pearson is an Author, Speaker, Relationship Consultant, Radio Personality, A Philanthropist; he is the founder of Keeping the Faith Foundation. The book provides a new perspective on an over asked question, Why does love hurt so good? "Not all love is good love that we receive from those we love."

Book preview

Contents

Introduction

1 YOU, ME, HIM & HER

2 Are We Soul—Mates Or Roommates?

3 CAUGHT UP

4 What goes around, Comes around"

5 What’s Casual Sex Between Friends?

6 Searching for the L word" in a relationship (Love or lust?)

Introduction

Vol. 1: When I just 17, I started a journal to remind myself later in my life of the wonderful loves I had experienced. The more experiences I had, the more I wrote. Years later, I realized that I had covered a span of ten years, 1983 to 1993. I read and seen the growth I had gone through in my relationships with my girlfriends. I read back on the mistakes I had made, the hurt I had caused all in my quest for Love.

Now, I did my share of dirt and I am not proud of it but it happen. I did what I did because I wanted to without any thought of the pain it would cause to those involved. My decisions were based on what I thought was right for me at that moment. I suffered, and accepted, the consequences that came along with the choices I made even when it was straight up my fault. It took me a while to truly understand what I had done but the lessons I learned I still practice today, but, don’t get me wrong, I still make mistakes trying to survive the rules in a Committed Relationship in the World Series of LOVE".

The experiences, emotions, feelings and situations I encountered during this span were both good and bad and some I will remember and treasure for the rest of my life. As you read my story my actions seemed to be those of a fool, player and a dog but once you understand the situations I was in, the emotions I felt, the things I faced and the choices I made, a player puppy might be a better description of my actions.

Let’s be real for a second, because I know that I am not the only person that love has made a fool of. I am not the only one, who has made mistakes in relationships, nor am I the only one that has been hurt or unintentionally hurt someone I said I cared about, now am I? You see I could control the lies I told, the things I said (but most of the time I didn’t) and did but no matter how much I tried I couldn’t control the emotions and feelings once I had them for those I was involved with. I knew there were no guarantees of how things would be or turn out with the person I fell in love with, I could only hope that if I loved you, you would love me back. There is no greater feeling than to know and feel your mate loves you the way you love them. It is no secret that when we first enter into a relationship with someone new we gamble and use our hearts as collateral hoping that the person we’re with will not hurt it and we pray that they are the one. We hope they feel we love them and not use our feelings for them against us as our weakness.

When we get involved with someone now that I think about it, even though it may or may not work out, the time shared and the feeling of belonging and knowing that someone needs you for the moment you’re with them makes what ever happens (most times) all worth it.

But if you or your mate ever fall out of love with each other, (Yes! it is possible) you feel your world has ended, and you’re going to die without them. Don’t worry you will hurt in the beginning and even though you don’t want to hear it—it’s normal. You will need to (well this is what I did) get down on your knees at night and pray to God to take this pain away and ask him to help you because you are unable to do it alone You know my mother once told me this:

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. So in happy moments, you need-to praise Him. In difficult times in your life you need to seek him. Quiet moments you need to worship him. Painful moments trust him but in your everyday life you need to Thank God.

Now, I am not going to lie to you, loving someone is great usually, but, there are times when you just want to kill them (not in real life) for some of the stupid things they say and do. You see, falling in love is the easy part; staying in love and maintaining a healthy, growing relationship is the hard part, but it can be done.

A few of the secrets I learned to make this happen were to: Keep and open line of communication, respect and be very understanding, and understand that being in a relationship and keeping it strong involves a little give and take of the both of you—It takes Two to make it work."

I didn’t realize until much later in my life that although the sex with my mate was off the chain and then some it was not strong enough to maintain a healthy and lasting relationship. Say what you want about being in love, but I can tell you that there isn’t a person on this planet who wants to be alone or unloved—no one. Everyone deserves someone to love. Someone to share his or her life with and let me be this first to say that when you meet and fall in love with that special person you’ve been hit by the LovesJonesand it feels so, so damn good.

So, as you read you will see, learn, find out how and what made a good man do bad things just trying to FIND true love. Learn what happen in my relationships when weboth didn’t communicate ourfeelings and the affects it had. I am not saying I have the solution for men and women to stay together or the secret for your mate not to cheat on you but I can say this for sure if you do not pay attention, communicate, respect and listen to your mate, they will find someone else who will.

I regret hurting those who gave me their heart, affection, and trust and I have apologized to most of them. But I also would like to tell them who realize it is them I have written about that I appreciated being loved by them and being in their lives. Sure I did and said stupid things but honestly I felt more joys then pain even though some of the relationships didn’t end right.

If I could make one wish, I would wish that everyone in a relationship experienced more of the Good times than bad. Take it from me, IF and When you find that special person, just enjoy their company and the time spent with them as you allow the friendship your in to develop into whatever it is going to be. Just enjoy the moment because When it’s your turn to Be in Love it will happen … trust me.Enjoy….

1

YOU, ME, HIM & HER

*NOTE TO SELF: Is lying a piece that comes along with being in a relationship with someone? Why do we lie and how would you know if you were being lied to?

It doesn’t require you to be a mind reader or have psychic powers to know if you’re being lied to, just some good obsevastion and common sense will do. Telling if a person is telling you the truth or a lie can be determined by a person’s behavior, and if you pay attention to these behaviors, you will be able to have a better idea of whether you are being lied to or not. In most cases if your first instincts makes you feel your mate isn’t telling the truth you might need to listen and trust them. If you hear inconsistencies in things they have previously told you days later then they might be lying to you.

Now ladies—men, on their first date, tend to try too hard to show they are meticulously worthy; they could be the ultimate provider, the dream-maker with the Master plan for a possible hook up in a relationship with you to the point they seem and sound like they are interviewing for a job and not a potential boyfriend/husband and/or soul mate. Women, to a certain degree, you make (well assist them) men to lie sometimes to impress you—Wait! I am sorry—you make them or for lack of a better term spit Game to get you. But, ask most women and they would tell you that sometimes the less a man says can make the difference between that man going home with them or her blowing them off.

Most but not all women get caught up in those men, who spit GAME, and for some that may be okay, but unlike what most men think not all women have low self-esteem that a man can simply feed off to attract them, nor do all women want a man to take care of them. There are still many women who prefer a man with very little stress, lies, BS, and drama. Ladies here are a few hints to help you see through the lies and BS of a man. You must first listen to your inner voice to make an intelligent decision about that man. This will help you determine if that person is in for The long run or if they are in it for a hit and run, you feel me?

A lot of men think they know what women want but in reality men really don’t have a clue.

This is where most men fail with women because they walk in thinking they knowwhat a woman wants and they usually base this feeling on their instincts but like everything in life things that seems certain isn’t always certain. Sure on a woman’s want list she has great sex on it but it isn’t the only thing on it. So look for the sign of over doing it to impress you. Second, listen to him and if he talks too much about what he can and will do for you then there is a 99.9% chance that he just wants sex. This is not to say there aren’t any good men left in the world because they are. For most and they won’t admit it, they are afraid to be themselves around you because (1) they might not be as interesting to you if they don’t add a little to there profile, I am sorry I meant if they don’t add a lie or two, (2) Many feel if they show you their true feelings they might get played by you.

So my advice is that both men and women take it slow in the beginning. By doing it this way, you will be able to determine after a few dates if you’ve found the kind of love that allows you to bring positive energy to help build and grow in the relationship.

WAIT! I forgot to mention that your first instincts sometimes could mislead you if they are influenced by your fears and insecurities from a previous relationship. Let me explain what I mean, if you have been cheated on before, you will automatically believe that your new mate will do the same, when in fact they have not shown any signs of cheating on you and when you question them there is a chance that they could be telling the truth about their feelings for you. This is why it is essential to understand the behavior of a liar, so that you recognize the difference between really catching on to a liar, or just being paranoid that your partner is lying too.

Another thing that can tell if he or she is lying to you whether you realize it or not, is their body language. Most people when they are telling the truth will be enthusiastic when they speak, use their hands and will look into their eyes and make contact. But, those not telling you the truth will pause to think of something to say that they feel you will accepted as the truth. This person’s behavior will automatically change, they avoid eye contact, and their arms, hands, head and eyes will often shift a lot. They seem uncomfortable as they speak, they will not know what to do with their hands, they may touch their nose, or face, while talking to you, they will clear their throat more than usual, look away a lot or say umm a lot when they speak to you.

Remember, it is always important to trust your first instincts. Try to think objectively with your head and not your heart. It will be hard but if you really want to know then I suggest you pay attention from the start and hope that your instincts won’t lie to you. This leads me to my situation let me tell you how being in Love blinded me to believe anything she told me and how the pain forced me to see the truth …

Dear Diary:

It was the summer of 1983 during my first year of college when I first met Dana. I had been checking her out for a few weeks. She was beautiful. I was afraid to approach her at first because I didn’t know what to say. I had always seen her hanging with her friends in the hallway between classes. I know she noticed me noticing her. Well, after class one day I got my nerve up to introduce myself and asked her if she had a moment to talk. To my surprise she knew my name. She said she noticed me noticing her, she thought I was cute and she wondered when I was going to speak to her. We sat and talked for a while and exchanged numbers afterwards. We made plans to get together later for lunch to talk some more. At lunch I did not want to talk about how good I thought she looked, nor did I want to say anything stupid, so the safest thing I could think of was to have her tell me about herself first while I thought of something non stupid to say. I listened, and I learned a lot.

She told me she lived just around the corner from the college; she was a military child; she had a younger sister; her dad was stationed here from Alaska, she enjoyed romantic movies, and she liked my smile. She caught me sitting there looking at her lips and hanging on her every word like a train dog waiting for his owner to toss the ball for him to go get. She said, Enough about me what about you? I said there isn’t much to tell I enjoy cooking, writing poetry and love stories, going to the movies and playing and performing around town with my band. I am from North Carolina, and I really enjoyed being with you. She laughed and said, You are so sweet, and you make me smile.

Over the next few weeks we got to know each other pretty well. I didn’t know whether she knew it or not, but she had me wide open and feeling like a love-struck fool the more I was around her. We talked in person and on the phone like two puppy love fools. I put on my best Mack moves and tried to always say something smooth and sexy, without sounding like a fool, to convey to her that I was interested in her. She seemed to feel me when I did that, but truth be told, hell, I was gambling and repeating lines I had heard in my favorite songs to get closer to her because at 17 I didn’t have or know what the hell spitting game was really. What I did know is that I liked her and I wanted to be with her, so I told her. In public I would reach for her hand, whisper in her ear something sweet and sexy things I felt about her and at times try to steal a kiss.

I hoped that this was a turn on for her. I wanted her to know that I wasn’t afraid of showing my affections for her in public. She told me she had become very comfortable around me and each time I kissed her she felt very close to me.

She said she would often have sexual thoughts of us having sex in her head. I was falling for her the more we hung out together. It wasn’t long before I asked her to be my girlfriend. I felt from her kisses that she would say yes but I wasn’t really sure.

Right before I opened my mouth to ask her in the rose garden at the school a classmate of ours asked if we would pose for a picture. We looked and said sure. Right before the shoot I grabbed a rose and gave it to her.

Ahh … man we looked good together in the picture and our classmates asked us were we together? I said to him not yet but I am trying to make her mine. With that said I grabbed her hands, got really close to her, looked her in her eyes and said with a my heart beating so profusely I thought I was going to pass out, Dana, would you be my girlfriend? She smiled but did not answer, yes right away. I thought something was wrong. She started to cry a little as she paused and said to me, I am currently dating someone, but I am in the process of breaking it off with him. When she said that, I looked and played it off like I was cool with it but I felt like a damn fool for putting myself out there like that.

Inside, I was screaming to myself, What in the hell does she mean she has a man and she was in the process of breaking up with him? What in the hell does in the process of breaking up mean? I quickly tried to change the subject. Now, don’t get me wrong, she didn’t say No, to being my girlfriend but she also didn’t say Yes. She could tell by the look on my face I was a little disappointed and a little bewildered. Lord I tried my best to not blow my top . I just chilled and took the news the best I could—what else could I do?

She grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes and said with her soft voice she had feelings for me and she was going to break it off with her ex that night to be with me. I was thinking, "Break it off TONIGHT? What in the hell have you been doing? But I didn’t say a thing . hell I still liked the damn girl enough to be with her but I didn’t know what else to do. She asked me to just be patient with her. I really did not know how to react or what to do because all I heard was Yes to being with me, but not right now. I told her I understood her situation and I would wait and give a moment to sort things out, but in my head I was confused on where exactly we stood? I wondered, "With all of the time we had spent—why she didn’t mention she had a man in the beginning? Sure, I know I should have re-thought the situation of trying to get with her better yet maybe I should have just left her ass alone, but I had already started having feelings for her, and as stupid as it sounds I was willing to wait to be with her. I went home that night, sat down and asked myself; When did she have time to be with two guys? Was she still having sex with him? Was she really going to leave him just to be with me? Had she fooled me that good for so long? I realized I was hooked because I was sitting there answering myself back about a girl I wasn’t even my damn girlfriend YET. Damn, how sad is that?

I kept asking myself, why does this girl get to me so? And, was she really worth having these mixed feelings so early on? I said to myself, Give yourself some credit man, you are a good looking guy, you are good to her and she really might be as hooked on you as you are on her.

We had not had sex yet, so I thought whatever it was I had done to get her interested in me had to be real, and it was worth seeing it through. I just found it hard to believe that she would leave her ex who she said had money, a car and his own place just to be with me. I didn’t have a car and I very little money and all I could really offer her at the moment was a great smile and conversation.

I thought for a quick second that she could be lying about leaving her ex and she could have been using me just to make him jealous, but then I said to myself, Does she seem like the kind of person who would do that? I didn’t have and answer I just hoped she wasn’t playing me for a fool. I kept telling myself to stop acting like a kid. I had a girlfriend before; I needed to stop tripping on this girl so much.

One thing was for sure I was speechless when I was around her. Like the air I breathed, this girl had gotten into my system, and it felt good. I had never felt this way for someone before. This feeling I felt for her was different from the crushes or puppy love affections, and it wasn’t just about having sex with her. I mean I couldn’t stop thinking about her. She was on my mind 24/7. I got excited thinking about spending time together, and I just could not wait to see her. Is anyone feeling me on this?

Anyway, I had not heard from her for so long I thought she had changed her mind about us. It had been weeks since we had talked about her dropping her ex and getting with me. My mind was racing again with all kinds of crazy thoughts like, maybe she didn’t want to be with me, or she was avoiding me to let me down easy. What? Did I really believe the shit I was telling myself, hell no. Honestly, I didn’t know what to think but I was dying to know something because I just thought that we connected too damn well to not at least give a relationship a chance, and besides, I believed her when she said she wanted to be with me.

It wasn’t long after, that she called me and left a message on my phone that said she had some good news to tell me. When I got home and hear her message I just knew that she had decided to be my girlfriend. Once we got up together the next day she told me she was no longer with her ex and if the offer I made was still open, then the answer was Yes.

When she told me that, I was happy, but I still wondered in the back of my mind if she would backslide if she had the opportunity. I know you’re asking yourself, Why would I think she would do that when she just agreed to be my girlfriend? Did I really believe her when she said she was leaving her ex for me? Well, to be honest, yes. Why, you ask? Well, regardless what I thought and the doubts I felt she was with me now and that’s really what matter to me at that moment.

What! You’re wondering, why then if I believed her was it such a big deal or even why it mattered to me so much? Well, I was up front and honest with her, and it was just bugging me not to know why she felt she had to deceive me for so long about her being involved with someone else when she was spending so much of her time with me. Even though it was none of my business I just wanted to know. You know what I mean?

When I asked her why she didn’t be honest with me about her ex in the beginning she said, we were just friends and she didn’t set out to get involved with me that way at first but after spending so much time with me she began to have feelings for me. I asked her,

Once you realized you had feelings for me, why didn’t you just break it off with your ex?

Breaking it off with my ex wasn’t as easy as that Dray, before we met I did care for him. We were just friends spending time together and me having a boyfriend wasn’t really none of your business. I didn’t know we were going to hit it off like we did, it just happen. Once we started getting closer I knew something had to give. I knew you cared for me by the things you did and said when were together and honestly I was a little confused on how to break it off with my ex. I had thought about leaving him for a long time but I honestly Dray, I didn’t want to be alone. Once we met and spent so much time together I knew I wanted to be with you and leaving him now just had to be done . I found myself falling for you.

Damn girl that sounds like I was the rebound guy for you and not your new man. When you were spending time with me did he know and where you using that time with me to make him jealous? Shit was I just someone feeling in the gap until you could decide on what to do so you would not be alone? Then, So what, exactly, was the reason for you still seeing him while you were spending a hell of a lot of time with me on the side? Girl we have been going out for a while and I like your ass. I don’t want to think that you stayed with him until you could find a suitable replacement and I was it."

No Ondray! Baby, please believe me it wasn’t even like that. I did „.I mean I do like you and I truly had begun to develop feelings for you, you have to believe me.

Why?

Because it’s true.

In my heart Dana I believe you and I want to be with you … really I do but I just need to feel that you are with me and you are not thinking or using me just until he wants you back.

Dray believe me I won’t „I promise „I want to be alone with you right now can we go to your place?

Sure

I stood there thinking I should back the fuck up and leave her alone but I couldn’t I had fallen in love with this girl. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt that her feelings for me were real and her ex was just that her ex but I still felt something just wasn’t right.

I felt sometimes when we talked she was not telling me everything. What do you expect me to think? I was 17 years old; in love—I was afraid that she would change her mind and run back to him if I wasn’t all she thought I would be. Damn that shit is sad, I know.

For the next few weeks we were like two kids with new toys. We spent all our time together and talked on the telephone, it seems like every night, about any and everything. It was hard at first to make time for both my new girlfriend and my band but I did.

So, what I started doing was to bring her with me. I hoped this would show her that I really cared for her and that I wanted her to be a part of my life. I say this because when we played we attracted a lot of girls around us but I didn’t want them I had a girlfriend. Everyone in the band liked her and they could see that she had me wide open like the Grand Canyon. I was on top of the world with this girl.

She asked if I could write a love letter expressing my feelings like I wrote love songs with the band and I said sure.

You put a lot emotion into your slow songs and I am curious to know if you could put that kind of emotion in a letter to me.

I never knew you wanted a love letter since we spent all of our time together. I always told you what I was feeling but if you want one—one you shall receive.

I will write you one too. I said let’s do this; let’s exchange our letters after class tomorrow.

Now, I had feelings for her but I be damned—I was stuck on what to write. When I wrote the love songs they were about what I felt love should be or what I hoped someone loving me would feel like. This was going to be a hard one but not impossible.

It took me hours because I wanted to find the right words, I wanted to make her cry. After a while of racking my brain, it hit me. The best way to express my feelings to her was for me to treat it was to write it like a love song. I wrote many drafts before coming up with something I liked. I had a beautiful letter that I felt she would love. The next day she brought her letter and gave it to me between classes, but she asked me not to read it until I got home. I told her I didn’t want to give her mine yet, because I wasn’t finished. I said give me yours and you will get mind after lunch right before you go to your next class, but really I wanted to see what she had written first. I didn’t want to feel like a fool if she didn’t feel the same way for me.

I put her letter into my book bag. It smelled so good. I couldn’t wait to read it. It was exciting because it was the first letter from my girlfriend (laugh if you want).

During lunch I opened her letter and read it and it went like this:

Monday night 23 rd

My baby (smiley face)

I miss you very much. I hate that you got hurt at the concert last weekend, but you know if I were with you it would not have happened (joke). I still love you even though you didn’t ask me to go. You are a wonderful and caring person and that is why I love you so much. I hope you never get hurt again and if you do, it will not be me that cause it. Well, this is just a short but sweet letter; I hope you get better soon.

Your Sweetheart,

Dana

P.S. There is a little something to go with it. It’s not much; it’s just something I thought of. (Note to self: place her gifts on the top shelf)

When I read her letter I thought and felt she really loved me but I knew I expressed myself much better than she did. I wished I could be there when she opened up my letter. I put the finishing touches on mine and got it to her right before her next class. Her girlfriends wanted her to open it in class but she waited unlike me until she got home. Once home she said, she read my letter. Shortly afterwards she called me and told it made her cry. Dray, you expressed your feelings for me so well; I feel you really do love me. What you read is how I feel believe it.

What? You want to read what made her cry. Well, (smile) okay this is what I wrote to her that she said made her cry:

Tuesday 24th

Dear Dana,

You know when I was searching for the words to tell you how I really felt for you I didn’t have to look far for inspiration; I just looked at the picture taken of us in the rose garden. I fell for you the very first day we met. I wanted to tell you but I was scared. Although you were going through some thangs, I always hoped you would be my lady one day.

To say the words "I love you" would only be the beginning of how I feel for you. I know we talked about marriage, sex, kids and having a family, so I want you to know that even though sex is on my mind when I am around you, it is not the only thing I want from you. I can see you as my wife and us having some beautiful children together (because, well, you are beautiful).

I am just saying, but not to get ahead of myself, I know I have very little to offer right now other than the love I feel for you but I promise you this, IF you were ever to get pregnant with our child, I would work two jobs or join the military, if I had to, just to ensure that you and our children were well taking care of. I promise you as long as you love and treat me right, I will do anything to make and keep you happy. You are the air that I breathe and like it—You are something I cannot do without. I love you.

Your man,

Ondray

Okay let’s more on … We talked half the night about whatever and I could hear in her voice that it was time to make those words we wrote a reality. No, it was not just about us sex it was much more than that, so get your mind out of the gutter. For a while the songs I wrote and performed with my band in the clubs were all sexual, slow and heartfelt tracks and well receive.

While performing at a talent show, I met this beautiful girl Tina. She was