My Knight in Shining Armor Turned out to Be a Loser in Tin Foil: A Guide to Loser Spotting

By Stefani Stevenson and Tiffany Elmquist

The world is full of lonely women, looking for love. Theyll try anything: dating sites, speed dates at conference centers, blind dates the list goes on. Its not a bad thing to keep your eye out for Mr. Right or to be hopeful and optimistic about finding your very own Prince Charming. But its also not a bad thing to know how to spot Mr. Wrong.

My Knight in Shining Armor Turned out to Be a Loser in Tin Foil is a guidebook for the smart, single women out therea weapon in your arsenal to protect you from the hidden players and losers on the dating scene.

Authors Tiffany Elmquist and Stefani Stevenson review the list of the ten most common characteristics of a dating loser in detail; you wont want to miss a single page!

They have compiled experiences from their own lives, designed to entertain and inform. Some of the stories may even relate to your own encounters in the dating world. My Knight in Shining Armor Turned out to Be a Loser in Tin Foil is not about bashing menits about the bad apples that make men look bad. Most importantly, its about helping you avoid Mr. Wrong so you can finally find your own Mr. Right.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 30, 2010
• ISBN: 9781450261265

Stefani Stevenson

Tiffany Elmquist and Stefani Stevenson both live in Austin, Texas. Tiffany has two children, one failed marriage, and several loser ex-boyfriends, many of which make appearances in this book. Stefani experienced two failed marriages, after which she tried online dating, with many disastrous results, also shared within these pages.

Book preview

MY KNIGHT in SHINING ARMOR

TURNED OUT TO BE A LOSER IN TIN FOIL

A Guide to Loser Spotting

TIFFANY ELMQUIST and STEFANI STEVENSON

iUniverse, Inc.

New York Bloomington

My Knight in Shining Armor Turned out to Be a Loser in Tin Foil

A Guide to Loser Spotting

Copyright © 2010 by Tiffany Elmquist and Stefani Stevenson

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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www.iuniverse.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any Web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

ISBN: 978-1-4502-6124-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4502-6125-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4502-6126-5 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

iUniverse rev. date: 09/22/2010

Dedication

For all the women out there who have been lucky enough to find their knight in shining armor and to those out there who are still looking.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter One:

The Perfect Guy

Chapter Two:

Employment Issues

Chapter Three:

Cheating

Chapter Four:

Has a record

Chapter Five:

Physical Abuse

Chapter Six:

Verbal Abuse

Chapter Seven: Use of Recreational Drugs or Dependence on alcohol

Chapter Eight: Frequents strip clubs

or problems with pornography

Chapter Nine:

Consistently Lies or Tells Half Truths

Chapter Ten:

Educational Deficiencies

Chapter Eleven:

Inappropriate Behavior

Epilogue:

The End of a Tale

Introduction

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The idea of this book came from real life experiences. We had the pleasure of meeting each other because we shared similar marriage horror stories. It was our losers that brought us together. We both worked at the same hospital, but had never really talked. While working in the neonatal ICU, Tiffany answered the phone and the following conversation took place.

NICU this is Tiffany, said Tiffany as she answered the front desk phone in her most professional tone.

Put the fucking bitch on the phone, exclaimed a gruff male voice filled with hate and indignation.

Excuse me? Tiffany asked, appalled by his words.

You heard what I said. Put Stefani on the fucking phone!

At this point Tiffany hung up the phone. Minutes later there was a call from the same number. This time it was ignored. Soon after, Stefani walked up to the front desk.

I think some guy just called for you. Was that your husband? inquired Tiffany.

Stefani didn’t look surprised. Unfortunately, yes. What did he say? The expression on her face was one of sadness, exhaustion, and humiliation.

Tiffany, after repeating word for word what he said stated, Ugh, he totally reminds me of my husband.

From that moment on, a friendship was born. The more we talked and shared our stories, the more we realized that we both had losers on our hands. Each of us believed we deserved better. Maybe we had been brought together for a reason, for instance, maybe we would be able to give each other the strength to move on.

One night during a particularly slow shift, we got to talking about all the losers and disasters we had encountered during our lives. We jokingly said that would be funny if we wrote a book and just laughed it off. Several months later, we decided we would give it a shot. Why not, we reasoned? There had to be others who would have similar stories and could maybe laugh along with us. Our hope is that through this, we will reach other women and hopefully help keep them from making the same mistakes we’ve made. Or, in the very least, help them open their eyes and see their man for the loser that he is.

One thing we would like to mention is that while we don’t have a PhD in relation to dating, we have something even better–experience. Yes, this book is filled with true stories from ourselves and women from all around. We’ve put together a collection of stories from us and others that we felt were very compelling. Some are crazy, others are scary, and still some are downright hilarious! Hopefully, we can learn from these experiences and avoid future heartache.

We do feel the need to point out that the names we use in our book have been changed to protect the innocent and unfortunately the not so innocent!

Chapter One:

The Perfect Guy

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There he was…the perfect guy. He was everything I wanted-a great body, perfect teeth, and a great personality. I would have given anything at that moment to make him mine. He was going to be the one to make me happy for the rest of my life…or so I thought. My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in tin foil.

Sound familiar? This is our story of a loser in disguise. This may be your story too. We are here to make sure it does not happen again. Don’t despair! Not every guy out there is a loser. The good ones are either gay or taken…just kidding! Seriously, there are some decent ones out there; we just have yet to find them.

How does a girl get so lucky to find that one special guy, you ask? Let us examine our lives as well as some other amazing women that we got the opportunity to talk with. Throughout this, perhaps we can come up with some reasonable solution other than avoiding men altogether.

It seems like one of the most common past times for women is talking about all the losers we have encountered in our various dating disasters. Living in Austin there is an abundance of single men and women, thus many conversations that go something like this:

While enjoying some margaritas outside their favorite restaurant downtown, Cindy and Sarah examined in detail their most recent dating experience.

So I went out with that guy Paul the other night, Cindy said casually while sipping on her margarita.

Ooh how did it go? I so want details! Sarah gushed.

OMG…he was such a loser! Where do I start? exclaimed Cindy.

Well what happened? Sarah questioned with a look of shock that slowly turned into sympathy anger.

OK, we are at Olive Garden and having a nice time but when the check comes he actually expects me to pay! I mean hello HE asked ME out!

Oh no he didn’t! So what did you say? Sarah could not keep the surprise out of her voice.

I told him that he asked me out and that he should pay. Cindy continued on saying…Then he goes…‘well actually I don’t really have any money.’ Like for real? So then I was like why did you ask me out when you knew you couldn’t pay?

What a loser! proclaimed Sarah.

I know. How come I can’t find a nice guy...? an exasperated Cindy stated as she stared at her nails.

I know it’s like do we have signs that say if you are a loser head my way? Sarah stated, while making ‘the L sign’ with her hand and holding it up to her forehead.

Conversations like these are all too common, but what do we do? How do we stay away from the losers and meet a really great guy? Is there any kind of loser detector? Actually, there seem to be a few traits possessed by the majority of losers we have encountered. Here is a list of several red flags that you may not have the knight in shining armor you thought:

1. Employment issues

2. Cheating (on you, not exams or diets)

3. Has a record (and we don’t mean a music disc)

4. Physically abusive

5. Verbally abusive

6. Use of recreational drugs or dependence on alcohol

7. Frequents strip clubs or problems with pornography

8. Consistently lies or tells half truths

9. Educational Deficiencies

10. Inappropriate Behaviors

Do any of these red flags sound like traits you have observed in guys of your past and maybe even present? Maybe your man fits into one or even a few of these categories. If so, not to fear, we are here to help you escape the loser induced blindness! We will examine each topic in detail, so that you won’t need a loser detector! You will be a pro at spotting the type of guy to avoid and find a guy who isn’t a loser. And yes, we promise they do exist.

Chapter Two:

Employment Issues

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We all know this guy. He always has some excuse for not having a job or keeping a job. The guy who says things like baby just give me some time…I’ll get a good job and then take care of you…uh-huh. We can’t forget the guys who seem to sit on unemployment without looking for a new job. What about the guy who is too good for any jobs that come his way? I can’t work there! I am way too valuable to waste away at this hell hole! How many different versions of this story have we heard or experienced? But you make more money than me! Oh yeah, that is a real lame one! And hello, we are making more money than you when you make NOTHING!

Then there’s the guy who is just plain picky and will only work a certain profession or type of job. Never mind they have a family to support or are just flat broke! I only work at auto parts stores. There is no way I will work any other type of retail. And you can forget fast food! Oh yeah…that’s my dream guy talking! Grow up guys! It is one thing to be sixteen and in high school, and quite another when you are thirty and married with or without children.

Ladies, it is not your duty to support your man! This doesn’t mean find a guy to work hard and pay your bills while you sit around eating Cheetos all day. We are not saying it is the man’s duty to support the women, either. We know this is not the eighteenth century and sometimes it takes two incomes just to make a living. Our point is that is not your duty to be the breadwinner. A good man will contribute to the finances as well as housework. So if he is unwilling to do a little work to make your life comfortable, then you need to take steps to make his life uncomfortable.

Trust us, without you there paying the bills and taking care of him, he will have no choice but to get a job. Well, either that or find someone else. It is silly for us to work hard and pay our bills as well as his while he sits around doing who knows what! Not that we haven’t been guilty of this ourselves…let us tell you our experiences.

Tiffany begins her tale:

My long list of losers began shortly before I graduated high school. Jacob and I met through mutual friends, and upon first meeting him I was rather unimpressed. He did not have a job. Why did I even go out with him in the first place? Well…because there was no one else asking me out! Upon graduating high school, I was anxious to move out and get my own place. I found a quaint little apartment to call home and was excited.

Jacob still had no job and was jealous of my new place. He convinced me to let him move in. Even though my gut told me to say no way, I agreed to let him move in. I thought it might be kinda cool to play house…boy was I wrong! I supported him during his time of unemployment, as I was the only one who had a job. It was a couple of months after he moved in until he finally got a job. I am not quite sure how he spent his free time while I was busy trying to support him as well as better myself with school and work.

Eventually, he found a job at Sonic. He didn’t earn much working there, but I was happy that he had gotten something. Dare I say I was proud? It is a sad thing for me to have been proud of him for doing something as simple as getting a job!

Well, my high hopes for him didn’t last long. That job lasted about a month and then he was back to having free time. He eventually found another job which he wound up quitting after a short time as well.

This went on throughout our entire relationship. He worked at just about every fast food chain in the area. Throughout our relationship, he almost always had a job. However; it really bothered me how he bounced around from job to job. He was never even anywhere long enough to get a raise!

Eventually, it dawned on me that he was never going anywhere in life. I, meanwhile, had a strong desire to better my situation, so I moved to Texas three years later. We kept in touch every now and then, and I still thought that there was a possibility our relationship might work.

One day he informed me he was having some money issues due to not having a job at the moment. He bravely asked me to send him some money. Stupidly, I complied. Guess I still had a soft spot for him…. I mailed him a $600 check. Needless to say, our relationship did not last, and I never saw a penny of that money, or everything else that he had cost me, returned.

Apparently I didn’t learn my lesson. Robbie had similar employment issues, but he is a very different story. This time in my life, I was working on my prerequisites for nursing school while maintaining my own place.

As (bad) luck would have it, I met Robbie through a mutual friend. Maybe I shouldn’t meet guys through mutual friends? I met him shortly after he moved to Texas from up north so he was not employed as of yet. I thought ok, that’s understandable. He just moved here so I figured I would give him time to locate a good job.

Several months went by until he finally found something to his liking, an auto body