Hello and welcome, I’m Renée Valentina and this is Musing Interruptus. A podcast meant for sharing thoughts, stories, enjoying idiomatic phrases and words in general. You can read along; the transcription is in the description of this episode. The idiomatic expressions are in italics. Try to get the meaning from the context and then look them up to see if you were right. If you like it, share it, but more importantly, continue the conversation. Today, It Was Bigger in My Head.
Oh, how expectations rise, and hearts accelerate. The moment of truth, the materialization of desire and all those dreams, sweaty brows, butterfly stomach and jackhammer heart attack. It feels like it is all too much. Four sleepless nights, strung together by incredulity and anticipation. What joy awaits! What adventures are in store? This is no question, but an affirmation, a certainty as serious as that dagger in your pocket.
What do you mean that isn’t a dagger… you are happy to see me then? How embarrassing, I didn’t bring you anything. Ahh yes, the letdown. The moment of realization that the other side has not met your level of expectation. This is why before international summits people talk, a lot, they ask questions, there are phone calls. Interests are laid out; floors and ceilings are at least insinuated. Sentences and phrases are crafted, there is a constant flow of suggestions, editing, and rewrites. Original texts altered, scandalously accommodating the interlocutor, to a point. Whoever has the reigns will not let the spirit of it die. A word here, a phrase, there, in the end, we all know who the theatrics are for. 
 
That is just one part of international relations. The projection of all which is national onto the international stage. The good, the bad, the naive, the nitty-gritty of human existence under all lights of morality. What it all boils down to are individuals representing interests; their own, adopted, or biological.
 Expectations run high when you meet someone for the first time. It can be devastating when you realize that you were not on the same page. A reflection of sloppy preparation and letting your head get the best of you. Sometimes we have to stop and ask the serious questions and be prepared for serious answers, like, who is that I just heard, was that your heart, or was it your penis? Tricky tricky little dicky. I think you all know what I mean. Being honest with oneself and true to one’s interests can be more confusing than you think, -because you think-. Because you are influenced by a set of standards, expectations and threatened by a strait jacket in case your thinking gets too free and true. Our sense of survival, as a species, is founded on the very prevalence of power of certain groups who are no more virtuous than you or I. Not asking, not telling can sometimes be a result of feeling intimidated, the person doing the intimidation is definitely getting something from your complicity, fake complacency, and silence. Other times it is just putting off a truth, resisting what your intuition tells you, because if you don’t face the truth, maybe it will go away on its own. I’m sure that works out very well, every time. But back to that dagger…There are so many subjects we avoid uttering until the last possible moment, the moment when Veritas shines all over our faces, like projectile vomiting in a b movie and most likely proves that it was much, so much bigger in my head. Thank you for listening.
 
It can be mortifying, to say the least, being so sure of an outcome, and see everything fall in the opposite direction. What do you call that? Was it bad luck or did you spur yourself into a head-on collision with a truth you did not want to consciously face? I guess saying it was bad luck or just not in the stars is easier. Then again, the truth can sometimes be less jarring than the stories we tell ourselves. Tell me, I really want to know, what was bigger in your head than in reality? I’m listening. 


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