Do you sneeze too?

Transcript:
Sneezing over thirty
Hello and welcome, what have you been up to today? I hope nothing good, as that generally makes for the best stories. I’ve been thinking about sneezing over thirty.
If there is something that irritates my husband, to no end, it is my sneezing. I pride myself on it. Seriously, I take longer strides just remembering how loudly I sneeze. Mind you, I never hid my outlandish sneezes while we were dating, I suppose he just never factored in what it meant to live with someone with chronic allergies.
There are many things I learned early on that I was sure would keep me out of trouble. I have been wearing sunscreen since high school. At 16, I received my first pang of what was to come, Oprah had a segment on it. I stayed out of the sun, mostly because I lived in a concrete jungle, far, far away from the sea, the only place I associated with the sun.  But before that, came sneezing. At age 14 I was scolded a couple of times for, what I like to call, petite sneezing.
Let me tell you about this. However uninteresting it may result to be, I feel committed to finishing this topic and recording this for you. Whomever you are. Is there anybody out there? Does this sneezing thing resonate with you at all? Let me know. I don’t have a landline, and this is not live,  but if I did, and it were, it would be open and I would say… I’m listening. Wouldn’t that be a hoot?
Anyhow, the petite sneezing thing. A mousy-like sound squished under a pinched face while attempting to suppress any real semblance of pleasure and authority. - Yes, that is exactly where this is going. Have I lost you yet? No? This must be homework, thanks for staying. As I was saying, I was reprimanded for self-repression and what I know now, could have resulted in a ruptured eardrum, a ripped esophagus, and even, I mean, there is a remote possibility you get brain damage. I said remote… In any case, there is a reason we sneeze, that is the way the body liberates mucus and bacteria, and junk from our lungs. It gets rid of some of the toxic waste.
Now to sneezing over thirty….
Wait, we are just starting to get to know each other.  Let’s keep it moving… A good sneeze reveals your true voice. Or at least a part of it.  A proper sneeze lets everything out and should be simultaneously caught in the crook of your elbow. Like a vampire. Vampires are sexy, be a sexy, loudly sneezing vampire. Strut around that home of yours, preferably with protective wear. Kegel and strut. The more you know, right?
Are you still there? Do you sneeze too? How is your sneezing etiquette? Are you at all worried about brain inflammation or tears in your esophagus? I’m listening.

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