Knowing The Why

By Jameson Noack

PROLOGUE

When I was a child, I recall my grandmother telling me, family is everything. The truth is, after all these years, I was never able to see or understand what that really meant. All I ever wanted was a family. I did the right thing, so I thought. At least, I believed what society told me I should do. She also told me God will never give us more than we can bear, or that he always places the strongest soldiers on the front line. I believed in the lies and I know that Grandma never meant to lie to me. She only passed down what she was told, or perhaps she knew something I did not. She restored my faith many times and never criticized or judged anyone. Without her, I believe, one of us would have ended up in prison and the rest of us in foster care.

My grandfather died when I was fifteen and my mother when I was eleven. You don't have to put a gun to your head or heart to commit suicide, you just have to give up. How or why I chose to share my pain and loss was not by my hand. It was shown and brought to me in many ways through signs and a journey. I suppose it was the light inside of me that my grandmother told me I always had. I never knew it was there until the day my son took his life. I was 57 and he was 31. I felt like I died that day too.

The mystery of not knowing or knowing the why is one of the reasons I wrote this book. I was asked to write and share with the world that few of us comprehend and are never truly prepared for, the unknown. My son had given me so many amazing signs as I thought about taking my life as well. Never doubt or believe what others believe. It is your own personal journey you must take to accept and try to rationalize why the one you love dies before you do. Acceptance and delay of gratification do not happen overnight. When they do, remember it is in God's time, not ours. Grief can be confusing, and know that people out there will pretend to know and not know it. Truth is, we were never taught how to handle grief or understand it. The best thing anyone could say is, ''I am sorry for your loss.'' It will be hard and people will disappoint you. You will lose friends and make new ones. The pain is like a stone that falls in the pond. The ripples will always remain, yet they grow farther apart.

I no longer drink of the mother's milk. They say that sufferings are the spiritual weights that strengthen us. I have transformed religion into spirituality into the unknown. To receive a sign so amazing is an awakening, a gift as I traveled between the mountains and the sea. It was not the things I saw, rather the things I experienced. We are all one, all the way down to a single cell we share, this eternal love, this beauty, all from this one pure symbol of love we know as a heart. It universally speaks to all of us and represents patience and acceptance. It creates an awareness as we live our lives here on Earth. From the mountains to the sea, between Earth and the Heavens, it is all the same. Enjoy this moment and make the best. The masses have taught us we must grieve, cry, and be sad; we will understand anger and we will know what loss is. We will grow or we will die. As my son said while he lived here on Mother Earth, ''You have never really lived until you die.''

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jameson Noack
• Release date: Dec 6, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370670284