Knowing The Why

By Jameson Noack

PROLOGUE

I looked to the sky and there was the heart - shaped cloud so perfect, it was as if the Angels themselves had painted it. My son had answered me in the most profound, unexpected, and unbelievable way. I asked," Why do I get to live and what am I to do now?" He answered me with one sign, and that sign was love. One year later, I was in Colorado in the mountains. A voice inside told me it is time to enlighten the world the remaining signs he gave me, another heart - cloud. I knew then it was time for me to share this message to all who want to Know the Why.

It was not an act of cowardice, it was an act of bravery. How would it be different if he had left on a journey here on earth searching for his Shangri - La. He just took a different bus, and has begun a journey where, if we all believe, we will see too. Some call it heaven, some by other names. I call it transformation, a journey one day we will all take.

My grandfather died when I was fifteen and my mother when I was eleven. You don't have to put a gun to your head or heart to commit suicide, you just give up. How or why I chose to share my pain and loss was not by my hand. It was shown and brought to me in many ways through signs and a journey. I suppose it was the light inside of me my Grandmother told me I always had. I never knew it was there until the day my son took his life. I was 58 and he was 31. I felt like I died that day too.

The mystery of not knowing or knowing the why is one of the reasons I wrote this book. I was asked to write and share with the world that few of us comprehend and are never truly prepared for, the unknown. My son had given me so many amazing signs as I thought about taking my life as well. Never doubt or believe what others believe. It is your own personal journey you must take to accept and try to rationalize why the one you love dies before you do. Acceptance and delay of gratification do not happen overnight. When they do, remember it is in God's time, not ours. Grief can be confusing, and know that people out there will pretend to know and not know it. Truth is, we were never taught how to handle grief or understand it. The best thing anyone could say is, ''I am sorry for your loss.'' It will be hard and people will disappoint you. You will lose friends and make new ones. The pain is like a stone that falls in the pond. The ripples will always remain, yet they grow farther apart.

They say that sufferings are the spiritual weights that strengthen us. I have transformed religion into spirituality into the unknown. To receive a sign so amazing is an awakening. It was not the things I saw, rather the things I experienced. We are all one, all the way down to a single cell we share, this eternal love, this beauty, all from this one pure symbol of love we know as a heart. It universally speaks to all of us and represents patience and acceptance. It creates an awareness as we live our lives here on Earth. From the mountains to the sea, between Earth and the Heavens, it is all the same. Enjoy this moment and make the best. The masses have taught us we must grieve, cry, and be sad; we will understand anger and we will know what loss is. We will grow or we will die. As my son said while he lived here on Mother Earth, ''You have never really lived until you die.''

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jameson Noack
• Release date: Nov 26, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370802357

Book preview

KNOWING THE WHY

Jameson Noack

Copyright © 2017 Jameson Noack

All rights reserved.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this ebook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it. Thank you for respecting the author.

Contents

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Prologue

I looked to the sky and there was the heart - shaped cloud so perfect, it was as if the Angels themselves had painted it. My son had answered me in the most profound, unexpected, and unbelievable way. I asked, Why do I get to live and what am I to do now? He answered me with one sign, and that sign was love. One year later, I was in Colorado in the mountains. A voice inside told me it is time to enlighten the world the remaining signs he gave me, another heart - cloud. I knew then it was time for me to share this message to all who want to Know the Why.

It was not an act of cowardice, it was an act of bravery. How would it be different if he had left on a journey here on earth searching for his Shangri - La, he just took a different bus and has begun a journey where, if we all believe, we will see too. Some call it heaven, some by other names. I call it transformation, a journey one day we will all take.

My grandfather died when I was fifteen and my mother when I was eleven. You don't have to put a gun to your head or heart to commit suicide, you just give up. How or why I chose to share my pain and loss was not by my hand. It was shown and brought to me in many ways through signs and a journey. I suppose it was the light inside of me my Grandmother told me I always had. I never knew it was there until the day my son took his life. I was 57 and he was 31. I felt like I died that day too.

The mystery of not knowing or Knowing the Why is one of the reasons I wrote this book. I was asked to write and share with the world that few of us comprehend and are never truly prepared for, the unknown. My son had given me so many amazing signs as I thought about taking my life as well. Never doubt or believe what others believe. It is your own personal journey you must take to accept and try to rationalize why the one you love dies before you do. Acceptance and delay of gratification do not happen overnight. When they do, remember it is in God's time, not ours. Grief can be confusing, and know that people out there will pretend to know and not know it. Truth is, we were never taught how to handle grief or understand it. The best thing anyone could say is, ''I am sorry for your loss.'' It will be hard and people will disappoint you. You will lose friends and make new ones. The pain is like a stone that falls in the pond. The ripples will always remain, yet they grow farther apart.

They say that sufferings are the spiritual weights that strengthen us. I have transformed religion into spirituality into the unknown. To receive a sign so amazing is an awakening. It was not the things I saw, rather the things I experienced. We are all one, all the way down to a single cell we share, this eternal love, this beauty, all from this one pure symbol of love we know as a heart. It universally speaks to all of us and represents patience and acceptance. It creates an awareness as we live our lives here on Earth. From the mountains to the sea, between Earth and the Heavens, it is all the same. Enjoy this moment and make the best. The masses have taught us we must grieve, cry, and be sad; we will understand anger and we will know what loss is. We will grow or we will die. As my son said while he lived here on Mother Earth, ''You have never really lived until you die.''

Chapter One

It has been said that when gods and goddesses were spoken of, in the world of mythology, they existed. Why did these mythological creatures exist? Because man believed in them. Humans have spoken throughout history of the powers supernatural beings possessed.

Some were even credited with creating the world and mankind. As long as we continue to believe in our lost loved ones, they too will exist. Wikipedia defines the afterlife (referred to as life after death or the hereafter) as the concept of a realm or the realm itself, whether physical or transcendental, in which an essential part of an individual's identity or consciousness continues to exist after the death of a body.

An article was posted on March 12, 2016. Death is a depressingly inevitable consequence of life, but now scientists believe they may have found some life at the end of the tunnel. The largest-ever medical study into near death and out of body experiences has discovered that some awareness may continue even after the brain has shut down. Still skeptical? Once again, there is no physical proof that life does exist after death. Science is wasting time and dollars, just as they have wasted money trying to locate the ''God particle.'' I have always pondered the beginning and the end. I have never doubted that creation is beyond our comprehension. We spend more time wondering where we will go than where we came from, and we complicate things, creating way too many forms and making the tax code so frightening that we have to hire CPAs or tax lawyers.

I had never really given the life after death much thought until I saw a miracle, not once or twice but many times over. And that miracle was not in the form of a spirit or apparition. My son and Mother Nature are now one, and he has communicated with the elements of the earth and sky. He has used the winds and the sounds of the forest. He has spoken to animals and asked them to pay me a visit. He has brought tears from a boulder and shown me images in the sky.

He has given me signs that have made me believe for the first time and no longer ponder, does life after death really exist? It does, and I have seen these signs when I asked for them, and when he presented them as a gift not only to me, but for those who choose to listen and believe.

My son had taken his life only two days before and the emotions were thick. I left my daughter's house after I had spent some time with her, and I drove up to Estes Park, a beautiful mountain town in the Rockies. I will speak of the first of the seven signs in this book, and of the miracles that created the inspiration, intuition, and my incredible journey. A book about not only my life and others who lived in it, but a book that shares the beauty and amazing signs my son gave to me. This is the first of many miracles, signs, and happenings I have received and I know he will continue to reach out. He wants us all to know that we communicate differently now and not as often, yet the signs are a lifetime of prodigious reflections.

I had not eaten for a day and the only liquids I had were Bacardi, water, and coffee. I woke up in a fog and all I knew was, I needed to go the mountains. There was no scheduling or plan about where to go and I was, once again, all alone. It was July and the snow had been gone for over two months by then. I walked up the mountain, taking in Nature's healing and looking for answers. I even wondered if I could stay here on this abused planet we call Earth. I had been up here once before and I remembered Lily Mountain to be enchanting and healing. It wasn't what I would call a well-marked trail, although my journey was guided by something or someone, and I knew I would find what I was looking for. Perhaps this was why I had chosen this path, or maybe something else was leading me. It was a beautiful July day and I thought of how hot and humid it must be back in Texas, and of the challenges I was going to face when I returned. It was a gut-wrenching thought and I was not ready to face the music. All I knew was I was there in the moment, where I needed to be, and did not want to leave. I continued up Lily Mountain with slow steps, stopping and looking up to feel the warm sun on my face in the cool mountain air. I knew it was nature's medicine and I wanted the pain to disappear. I believed that Mother would put her arms around me and walk me to a place of tranquility. My mind was blank and my thoughts wreaked sadness.

A quarter of the way up this two-mile hike, something told me to look to the left, and I saw one of many granite boulders. I proceeded to trek up the incline to ask why it had called me. As I walked to the other side of the boulder, I saw a small Ponderosa pine all alone and knew it had labored for years to breech the crack in the boulder to reach light. As if it had been waiting for me, it told me, I am here because of you and your son. I cried and knew my son was here and that he was the one who had brought me to the rock. I placed my hand on the desolate pine and cried again, this time with tears filled with joy and shock.

I pulled my knife from my left pocket and carved a heart in the tree. This was our place and I knew he had brought me here. An hour passed after I carved the heart and a letter A below it. I had no words. All I knew to say was, show me that you are here with me. Tell me you hear me and I will see you again. Let me know you are okay and you feel my hand next to you. I asked again, and my tears had impaired my vision for only a moment when I saw, coming over the rock, a large red ant carrying a carcass of his kind on his back. All I could think of at that moment was, where were the other ants and why were they not there when I was carving the heart? After I wiped the tears from my eyes, I could see more clearly as the ant approached my hand and crawled on my skin. I stood there in shock. The ant walked from my hand, turned, and walked to the east. I had been lifted. All the emotional pain was gone for a moment and I was filled with euphoria, like when we dream we are flying. And then I woke up. This was not a dream, this was Toltec, this was real, this was metaphysical, this was my son the Shaman.

A year and a half have passed. I have lived in Estes Park for a year now. There were once the three of us and now there are two. I used to call my children ''the A team'' and I was so proud when they walked with me, in the mall or in the woods. The image of the baby Ponderosa is forever etched in my mind, and the ''A'' I had carved in the tree.

There is another miracle I had not noticed until one morning I came to visit when the clouds had disappeared and the sun was in charge. To feel the warmth of the sun warming your face and the cool quiet air following behind is an exemplary feeling of pure bliss and joy. It is like what the ancient Greeks called Elysium. After a twenty-minute hike, I ran up the mountain, sat by the rock, and stared at what I call the ''Ponderosa Bonsai.'' To my shock I saw two more trees the size of my hand on the rock. How long had they been there and why had I not noticed them before? How could this be? Like the heart-shaped lichen that had appeared on another day, another cool crisp morning. The heart lichen faces the A on the tree, as if my son had responded to me, saying, I am here, I am everywhere, and this is another sign for you.

Each time I go to visit, I find a small rock and place it next to the tree. It reminds me of the days we all three would hunt for rocks for hours. I am in awe. To share a story like this is beyond my realm of thinking. He was a Shaman and his love has extended far beyond, from there to me and to all the ones he loved. He still loves us and has shown it with so many more wonders I will share with you. If only I had really gotten to know his heart. If only I had the talent and creativity to share such an amazing story. He is my co-author and, without him, this would not be possible.

I want to share with those of you who are in doubt that there is an afterlife, another world, a fourth parallel, Heaven, the other side. I want to tell you that I have seen miracles in the sky and on the ground, given to me by my son. It was a language we both understood and the signs were shown to me by my son, from another cosmos. A young man I brought into this world; while he lived, I had a parent's greatest fear, that of worrying about your children and praying they never leave before you. Someone who brought me joy, pain, and unforgettable memories. Someone I miss with every heartbeat was a part of me and still is every day.

It never goes away. We are told it gets better and time heals all wounds. The truth is that it is like a stone that fell in a pond. The ripples grow farther apart, yet will always remain. Grief is subjective, it has no rules and does not listen. There are no ''five stages'' and no time lines for healing. My journey of grief has crossed streams and I have met so many people unexpectedly who have also lost a child. Most of us do not even know how to deal with it, much less know what to say. We learn how to save lives, build bridges, and search for cures, but we are never taught how to deal with grief. We smile one minute and cry the next, and wake up in the morning sometimes not realizing our loved one is gone. It all seems so surreal, we do not want to accept it. We are not sure what is normal or real and we beat on ourselves with guilt if we search for pleasure.

A month after my son died, I went to a Unitarian Church in Wimberley, Texas, and met a wonderful soul who taught a grief recovery class on her own time. For the grief recovery group, she had no judgments and plenty of expectations. She was stern and soft, and knew that in order to begin to work through our grief, we must work through and commit to the full eight-week course. She would strike us with a velvet hammer. The class consisted of an open forum, grief recovery workbook, and homework at the end of each session. We all had a partner, and for the first thirty minutes we exchanged our pain and sufferings. My partner's name was Kate. Kate had lost her father a year before and we shared and cried with a box of tissue at our feet. I knew her pain was great but I felt mine was greater. After all, I thought, good or bad, she got to spend all those years with him, and it was nature's order that the parent leave before the child.

The dynamics of what was to follow were beyond belief. I am 58 years old and I still have a resounding grief that affects me, my friends, and my relationships. I still want to believe there is someone out there for me. I want to believe there is someone I can wake up to each morning and have a chat with, as we live our lives together in pure bliss. I am still alone and I have never been in love, never looked at the person I was with and trusted her with my life, or dreamed of growing old together.

Before I left for Colorado, a friend gave me a book, ''The Alchemist,'' written by the infamous author Paulo Coelho. The book centers on a young Andalusian shepherd who travels far and wide in search of an elusive treasure, encountering people who help him understand his purpose. Four lines from the book touched me so deeply that I recorded them in my journal. That was the first and only time I have ever done this and why would I not? These words are a description of the perfect encounter. A blessing most of us pass by; we