From Chaos to Castles: Reassembling After Divorce

By Lorena Smith

From Chaos to Castles will take you on one womans journey from being a stay-at-home mom with five young children, through a traumatic intensive care experience, and into her new life as a single mom. Its a tale of divorce, change, falling apart, forgiveness, faith, and finding ones own voice. Lorenas intimate collection of thoughts will bring both laughter and tears and leave you examining your own life.

A shining example of vulnerability and grace, From Chaos to Castles is the account of one journey that could have been kept secret and a story that had to be told.

Chaz Wesley, transformational coach and inspirational speaker

This is an exceptional invitation to embrace life at a different level. Each of our lives is full of emotions and experiences which can turn our world upside down and sideways. The stunning insight of this author is revealed in how she presents options for a new way of thinking and how she demonstrates them with purpose and precision. From Chaos to Castles is a guidebook for change.

Patricia Roller, author of The Earth School Manual

From Chaos to Castles empowers you to take action. Lorena is a wonderful role model for all of us who wish to change and transform our lives.

Rev. Georgie Richardson, Unity minister

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jul 16, 2014
• ISBN: 9781452517896

Lorena Smith

LORENA SMITH is an author, inspirational speaker, and musician. She holds a BA in psychology, has studied spiritual metaphysics extensively, and is passionate about personal transformation. She currently serves as a music minister and lives with her five children in Oregon. For more info visit LorenaSmith.com

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Copyright © 2014 Lorena Smith.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-1788-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-1789-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014911970

Balboa Press rev. date: 7/11/2014

Table of Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Flatlined

Missing in Action

Five Miracles

Piecing It All Together

An Affair of the Heart

Martyrdom Gone Wild

Fire in the Hole

The Point of It All

Releasing Resistance

Stranger in a Familiar Land

What If

Divine Connection

In a Glance

Waves of Anger

Embrace the Change

The Value of Vulnerability

Remodeling My Patience

A Harmonious Pit

Balancing Gray

Ghosts in the Closet

The Perils of Protection

Shall We Dance

Just Say It

Words

The Form of Integrity

Health as Habit

To Date or Not to Date

Time to Unpack

Gentle Empowerment

Planting Roots

Many Ways to Serve

Stretching into Myself

The Reality of Reaction

Walls of Isolation

A Different Kind of Love

The Juice of Life

Despair in the Darkness

Out of Innocence

Singing Grace

All Aboard

About the Author

Dedication

Sometimes we don’t know we’ve embarked on a significant journey until we are already well on the way. And sometimes we don’t know how essential a person will become in our life, until time and experience have afforded an opportunity for reflection. That is how it has been for me.

This book is dedicated to all of my angels. Your individual support has taken many forms, each equally important. Thank you for loving and believing in me, even when I had a difficult time doing that for myself. You know who you are. I am so very grateful.

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And now, I find myself standing in a field of miracles.

There, in the middle of it all, is you.

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Acknowledgments

It truly does take a village, and here is mine:

To my writer’s group: thank you for encouraging and loving me, and continuing to provide tissues while I wrote the more difficult pages.

To Sandy, my editor: Thank you for helping me to own my position and contain my love of commas.

To my parents: For years you loved me and I couldn’t feel it. I feel it now.

To my children: Thank you for teaching me so much about myself and life.

To Grandma: Thank you for keeping my wings afloat.

To my spiritual communities: Thank you for providing environments that teach spiritual principles and encourage direct practice.

Though we are all spiritual teachers in some way, I especially want to thank the trio that walked with me on this journey. To Sonia, who introduced me to the path. To Patricia, who joined somewhere in the middle and never gave up on me. And to Georgie, who’s been there all along holding the high watch. You were the one, eight years ago, who said I think there’s a book in here somewhere. It turns out you were right.

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Introduction

As humans, what we want most is to feel connected, to feel close, and to be truly known. At the same time, what we fear most is to feel connected, to feel close, and to be truly known. Through various addictions, emotional withdrawal, conflict creation and inauthentic communication, we end up investing the majority of our energy constructing barriers to the very thing we most desire. As a result of this internal conflict, we wake up one day and find ourselves in circumstances that are much more difficult than if we had just faced our fears of being vulnerable and authentic from the start.

The following are reflections of what I’ve learned on the path back to authenticity. It’s been a windy road filled with potholes but ultimately has taken me out of the pits of chaos and despair and into the castles of understanding and joy. I am called At A Deep Level To Share My Experiences, as I believe successfully navigating the darker corners of life requires me to become a beacon of light that can guide and give hope to others. If even one person is touched in some small way, then it has all been worth it.

Much Love,

Lorena

Flatlined

I remember the day I knew it was over. For sure. I had met my husband for lunch, and while we were standing on the street saying goodbye, he hugged me. I had the striking realization that I felt nothing. Nothing. Not joy. Not anger. Not passion. Not love. Nothing. I physically had a pulse, but emotionally and spiritually I had flat-lined. I was an empty shell parading around as a real person.

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Missing in Action

At the age of 37, I ran away from home. Not the kind of running away young children do when they pack a snack, walk to the other side of the block, and sit in the line of vision of their parents. No. This was the real deal. Some called it a mid-life crisis, others irresponsible, but for me it felt like a matter of life and death.

Looking back now, knowing that I missed my daughter’s birthday and hearing the pain that my leaving caused, I can’t believe I did it. What kind of a mother leaves her five young children for six weeks, with no communication whatsoever, when they’ve been used to having her home and available every day, every moment? A desperate one. A woman teetering dangerously on the edge of emotional break-down.

I needed the voices screaming in my head to stop. They were those of my mom, my