I Want My Scars to Count for Something

By Busisiwe Anderson

Busisiwe takes us on an unbelievable, miraculous journey about her life and how the grace of God has kept going. Every chapter is a jaw-dropping story where she reveals the strength of God in her life.

Rape is one of the most violent, cruel, destructive and degrading acts against any human being. It not only leaves an imprint on your physical body, but your soul is greatly affected, and it alters who you are as a human being. No one deserves to go through such pain.

The anger, shame, self-blame, and guilt and all the other things you carry with you as a result of this infliction is beyond what the naked eye can see.

You are not a victim; you are a VICTOR because you have survived it. This book is not just about rape - it is about finding your way back to yourself.

This book, through my story, is an example of how you can rebuild your life - with the mercy of God. Amid confusion, pain, anger, guilt, hopelessness, fear and rejection there is still hope and a way of escape even today.
Let my scars count for something in your life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Helpmyworld Publishing
• Release date: Feb 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393008859

Book preview

I WANT MY SCARS TO COUNT FOR SOMETHING

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Busisiwe Olga Anderson

Helpmyworld Publishing

Copyright © 2019 by Busisiwe Olga Anderson

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed Attention: Permissions Coordinator, at the address below.

I want my scars to count for something.

ISBN: 978-0-620-86304-9

Helpmyworld Publishing

www.helpmyworldpublishing.co.za

DEDICATION

To my teacher, my spiritual mother, The Anointed Woman of God Apostle Lungi M, this project would not have been realised if you were not in my life. I have sat and wondered and asked myself where were you all these years when I needed you the most, but I have come to understand that God’s timing is always perfect. I have been set free, delivered and made whole through your ministry of deliverance.

I received answers for things I had battled with for years, and within a short space of time, you were able to take me to a place of full liberation, you removed the scales in my eyes and I began walking and embracing the light and my true self. May the gift that God has given you continue to liberate and set more souls free. The anointing in your life has propelled me to know and understand that all things are possible with God; there is hope for each one of us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My deepest gratitude and appreciation to my husband and my daughter who have over the years been my greatest support system. You believed in my dream and throughout the process of writing you both never got tired of doing the reviews, and your honest opinion added much needed value to the realisation of this dream. When doubt crept in, you cheered me on and believed in my ability to express my deepest fears and life lessons.

You inspired me to think beyond my feelings and pushed me to look at the greater vision of the reward of finishing something that has been dear to my heart. Joy, your fascination as you went through the rough pages of the book helped me to press on, thank you for pushing me to believe in the greater good of what I was trying to achieve. You gave me a listening ear and for that I pray this book will yield fruit that will be everlasting to you and your children.

A special thank you to my husband for the thousand coffees you made for me. I love you too.

To my entire family, I hope this will bring answers to all the questions you might not have been brave enough to ask, and for the love and acceptance and grace you have showered me with over the years, thank you. May this book bring you individual healing and wholeness and may it unite us as a family. You each hold a dear and special part in my heart.

To my friend and counsellor, my teacher, the Holy Spirit, the journey has not been easy, but you took my hand and you never let me go, thank you for leading me, for guidance and making me look deeper within myself. Thank you for reminding me that there is no wound you will not expose and heal, thank you for reminding me that my scars had to count for something. Thank you for teaching me accountability and showing me what it meant to be naked and not ashamed. I am grateful and have cherished every moment like gold as you continue to set me free.

To my Daddy God, may this book make me an example of your saving grace to my family and loved ones; and may each person who will read this book be transformed through your miracle working power. Thank you for being the master and porter of my life. Thank you for loving me and teaching me to love myself and receive your love for me. I am grateful.

CONTENTS

DEDICATION

CONTENTS

1A JOURNEY NOT FULLY UNDERSTOOD

2FALLING IN LOVE

3LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY DAUGHTER

4NAKED AND ASHAMED

5FALSE FREEDOM AND SELF-DESTRUCTION

6GOD NEVER GAVE UP ON ME

7WEAPONS OF GOD

8PRAY IN FAITH

9SHIELD OF FAITH

10THE OTHER WOMAN

11SUPERNATURAL HEALING

12ANOTHER CHALLENGE

13 THE LAST MILE

14WHO IS KNOCKING AT MY DOOR?

15I WANT MY SCARS TO COUNT FOR SOMETHING – A CONCLUSION

REFERENCES

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sometimes I marvel at the thought of how far I have come, it seems like yesterday when I was wondering if this period will ever come to an end. Have you ever been in a situation where you wish the ground can open up and swallow you? Not because you wanted to die, but because you were so ashamed of what you had done, maybe you were so tired of the stares, the eyeballs and the condemning looks that followed you wherever you went, even when no one else was looking, because in your mind you had already condemned yourself? I felt like that too, and it seemed like it was never going to end.

That was me seventeen years ago. I never thought that one day I will be writing about the shame, the scorn, the pain and rejection I had to endure. Not a single day had it even crossed my mind that it was possible for my scars, to be the solution to someone else’s pain.  If someone had told me that my scars will be my greatest life lessons one day, I would have said to them, can that day be today. But I have come to appreciate the process, the pain, the scorn, the shame, the resentment and self-blame, because it brought the greatest life lessons and growth for me.

Not every painful and traumatic experience that is happening in your life is there to kill you. Some things are there to propel you to your destiny; some are there because you might just be the only support system that someone will ever have that is going through the same thing you are going through; some are there so that you can be more forgiving and less judgemental; some experiences are so that you can bring hope and courage because you have been there too. I have also come to a realisation that the most traumatic or painful things that occurred to me have made me want to stop the same occurrences from happening to other people.

Most of my life experiences have not only humbled me, but they have made me want to become a better person; not so quick to throw stones, but instead to treat everyone the way I would have liked to be treated. I think the world would be a better place if we were more forgiving and more receptive to letting go of the pain, the hurt and resentment. I believe the world would be a better place if we all took time to find the source of our traumatic experiences and to see things through the eyes of the other person, their perspective, so to say.

When you are fourteen you absolutely have no comprehension of all the things I have just mentioned above, so was the case with me. I was only fourteen years old when I was raped by someone almost my father’s age. My innocence, my purity, was exchanged that day for shame, guilt, self-blame, self-hatred and resentment. I never told anyone about it because it was too painful an incident to verbalise. Not that I fully understood at that time what had just happened to me, but I knew deep down that whatever had taken place was a violation of my whole being. It felt like a deep wound; it was going to be my secret shame. What kind of a man does this to someone who can easily be their daughter? What kind of an animal would perform such a horrendous deed and still carry on as if nothing had happened? This was the world I knew nothing about, I have always been sheltered and protected in the walls of my mother’s house, where I only knew the love of my mother and father and my siblings. I had no emotions to express how I felt, except the disgust, feeling dirty and unworthy. Why would someone do such a thing to an innocent child? 

As I put everything at the back of my mind, deep down in my heart I knew I was not the only victim that night. The probability was that all of us girls (we were four) had gone through the same ordeal that evening; and as we were heading home from the beach