Reflections: A Journey To God

By Gary Eby

Our disclaimer: you are completely free to reject everything we have to say about spirituality. What we believe in is not that important. What really counts is what you believe that gives your life meaning, direction, and purpose. This book is about our personal stories with Spirit and what we've learned along our journeys. We're sharing it with you because it might help you on your own journey to God. We only ask that you read this book with an open mind and heart. We suggest you pick one of these spiritual essays. Ponder it, meditate for a while, even read it out loud. Allow yourself to feel the words and the light, which may lead you to discover the better life you truly deserve.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jun 9, 2017
• ISBN: 9781635756593

Book preview

Preface

This is the kind of book you read for a while and then reflect on what you’ve discovered. Don’t feel compelled to read it cover to cover. You might want to start with the first essay, The Chetco River. It sets the tone and theme of the book, which is, we can all access a state of heaven consciousness right now, today.

This book is also about our spiritual journeys. It involves much healing and love to get to where we are now. Two people—one spiritual path. One was abandoned by his father and felt guilt and loneliness yet healed. The other survived terrible abuse as a child and young woman, but healed as well.

We suggest you take your time. Thumb through the other articles. Find one that appeals to you. Ponder it; meditate awhile; even read it out loud.

We promise you will find an essay that speaks to your mind, your heart, your spirit, and your soul. When this clicks, we think you will experience a better life. You may even become willing to join together with many other people who work tirelessly to create a more spiritual, peaceful and loving world.

We have all felt emotional pain during many life challenges. Our pain forged a common bond. If you hurt, you hurt. Period. Pain is pain. Our pain is no different from our neighbors’, our friends’, a stranger’s, or yours, my friend.

Susan’s poems are sometimes painful to read, but the talks which follow them show just how far she has come. Gary’s essays and poems embrace his true heart and loving soul.

Susan survived and eventually flourished. Gary survived and has helped hundreds of people to heal.

We turn to God for physical, emotional, and spiritual healing; and this healing continues to this day, as we apply the principles we have learned. Mostly because we have always been protected and nurtured by the Father (even when we didn’t know it).

Yes, we are walking this road together (even though we don’t always agree). However, we are committed to God and one another.

We invite you to open your mind and heart and walk this path with us. By starting or strengthening your own journey to God, you will find Love and healing as well.

Chetco River

There is a special place in Brookings, Oregon, by the Chetco River where Susan and I spent four glorious days. We rented a small one-bedroom manufactured home with a wooden deck overlooking the Chetco. Three hundred feet below us, it ripples with dances of jade colors and bright sun spots. Villa Moliere, where we are staying, is nested up in the trees where verdant hilltop banks loom all around. Brookings Harbor is also within a short walking distance to the rugged Oregon coast.

Surrounded by all this natural beauty, we feel relaxed and free. Meditation comes easily. We invite you to read about our experiences in Villa Moliere. Inside your heart, you can be as free as the wind. Yes, this is a special place of heaven consciousness. Let yourself rest in the following words, and see yourself in this God filled environment.

The outside deck faces the western horizon, and we can actually see the ocean to our left. Ospreys, turkey vultures, seagulls, and other water fowl glide and dive in mesmerizing formations over the river.

We have an amazing sense of living in a tree house. The wind is exhilarating. Trees dance and bend to its power. Life all around us is in constant motion.

As I stand out on the balcony and hold on to the wooden rails, the sun refracts the river into a thousand twinkling spirit lights. I breathe in the fresh air and rejoice over the sun’s warmth on my face. It’s almost like I’m riding a giant Ferris wheel at a local country fair. My body feels suspended up in the deep blue sky. I don’t want the sensation of weightlessness to stop.

We have lots of time to appreciate the peace and solitude of these sights. Our days are spent leisurely walking the dogs down to the harbor, reading some good books, sampling the local sea food, and gazing at the rolling ocean waves. We have no worries here. It feels good to be alive with the palpable, conscious connection to the wind, trees, birds, sea, and sky within God’s harmonious wonder world.

In this spirit of oneness with all forms of life, we take great joy in exploring the kingdom within. I don’t know about you, but for me, nature and the majesty of the ocean reinforce my belief in feeling one inside with the light of God. I affirm that all of us are perfect expressions of God’s love. We believe we truly are beings of light, from which radiates prosperity, love, healing, abundance, and eternal consciousness.

We are grateful for this sublime place of serenity by the Chetco River and the sea. In my mind’s eye, this delightful river often calls us back to that place within where we bask in the kingdom of heaven consciousness.

In this book, we hope to meet you there in the tree house of windblown blue and green, where rivers sparkle, mighty oceans roar, and life surely abounds and is cherished.

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Stranger Danger

I run just as fast as I can

If I ran any faster, my heart would burst

The black pavement burns my white, white feet

But there’s no way I’d turn back

The perfectly groomed lawns

With their perfect houses

And their perfect owners

Fly by

She screams my name once

And shuts the door

If she yells anymore, she’ll be found out

She can’t risk that

I continue running

Glancing behind me from time to time

Expecting her to be there

With scissors in her hand

Ready to chop off my hair

Or mangle my face

Or slash my hands

My chest hurts from the forced air

I can’t keep up this pace

My feet are burning

My breathing is churning

Some of the neighbors

Glance my way

With curious looks of no compassion

There’s that crazy girl again, they think

The one who won’t obey.

I feel tears on my face

Where did they come from?

When did they come?

How?

On this summer day

I’m so dried up I have no spit

I look back one more time

She hasn’t come out of her perfect house

With its perfect lawn

And its perfect people

(Except for me)

My feet are blistered

And I walk on someone’s grass

Cooling my fevered feet

It feels so good

For a moment, I don’t have to think

Then the thoughts come fast

First she’ll call my dad

Then she’ll call the police

Having a police car in front of the house

Will shame her

She might skip this step

She has before

I round the corner and find myself on Euclid Boulevard

A busy street

Cars go whooshing by

I look at my feet

Where will I find shoes?

Where will I sleep?

When will I find something to eat?

I have no friends

No place to turn

I’m twelve years old

And I’m all alone

A blue car glides up to the curb in front of me

Need a ride, cutie? he asks

He’s forty years old, at least I figure

He has scruff on his face

His car is filthy

I feel him eyeing me up and down

Doesn’t he know I’m not even a teenager yet?

I know he doesn’t care

He’s just looking for a good time

Well? he demands

Do you want a ride or not?

I’m not staying here all day, you know.

Now this I know

Anger/fear

I have learned from long experience

You don’t want to make anyone mad

Even a stranger

He has greasy work clothes on

His hair is greasy too

There’s a smell coming from his car

That makes me sick to my stomach

I look up and down the street

Cars are rushing by

No one seems to look our way

I’m standing five feet away from the car

I don’t know what to do

My feet hurt, and I’m thirsty

I look again for salvation

But none is coming

I get in the car

He smiles and I notice he is missing a tooth

Hell begins

Susan Eby 2014

Why Poems?

Some of my poems are interspersed throughout this book. I perhaps didn’t realize it at the time I wrote them they allowed me to remember and express my fear and anger. Becoming honest with myself (yes, Susan, it really happened) led me on a journey that I treasure and am grateful for everyday. The beginning of my healing was in the remembering.

From that point I moved on to acceptance. I was the way I was for many reasons. As I accepted my past I began to understand why I hated myself, why I hurt myself, why I had so many addictions, and why affection terrified me.

Then, I met Gary.

Slowly, kindly, and with great patience, he began to show me how I could change. That change was possible and I could have a better life. I could let all the pain go. I could be who God needed me to be in this world.

I thought he was nuts! But, another side of me wanted to believe him, but I was so afraid. All I had ever known was fear, rejection, physical, emotional and sexual pain. I would wonder to myself, When is this man going to start abusing me? That day never came.

Cautiously I began to listen to his soft-spoken words. Words I had rarely (if ever) heard before. Safe; comfort; affection; respect; smart; funny; beautiful, and love. Gradually I came to realize he was attributing these qualities and state of being to me! I was safe! I was smart! I was loved!

Believe me, I fought him every step of the way. He’d insist I was respected and I would fight tooth and nail to prove to him I didn’t deserve respect. It was a long process which still (but not too often) happens, even after 39 years of marriage.

As you read our book you’ll learn how I went from a totally broken and shattered individual to a loving, fearless, caring, optimistic woman... now following her dreams.

The poems are expressions of my lonely and painful existence. The talks are where I am now - who I am now.

The poems may make you cry, or get angry, or remind you of something from your own past. But, the poems are finished... they are done.

The talks may make you feel hopeful, or stubborn, or relieved, or they may awaken within you a long lost desire to heal.

Remembering, honesty and acceptance are all necessary parts to recovering our True Self. However, I believe with every fiber of my being that (for me) forgiveness is the greatest step toward healing, and I forgive myself first. Always. Forgiveness is extremely powerful.

After forgiveness comes lasting healing. God helps me to forgive and then He blesses me with healing.

I am a child of God, filled and surrounded by the perfect peace of God. And, so are you.

The Rocking Chair

We love our fireplace. Most people don’t think of a fireplace as being loveable, but it has a certain mystical, magical, and even primeval attraction that truly comforts our souls. Recently, I discovered another way to enhance this whole cosmic and spiritual experience.

My wife and I purchased some comfy overstuffed chairs where we sit in front of the fireplace and rock to the rhythm of the dancing light flames. The chair surrounds my body with soft, puffy, chenille material, which makes me feel safe, nurtured, and pampered. To top it off, our white, Westie-mix, known as Max, usually jumps up in my lap. His body heat adds to my enjoyment of the rocking as I bask in the warmth and serenity of those glowing orange embers.

Naturally, I become very relaxed, and I might drift off into a twilight sleep like a soft meditative state. During these times, I sense a deeper connection to my spiritual self and divine source, although Susan has accused me of just drifting off into a nap.

I would like to share with you how the rocking chair is merely a metaphorical symbol for a process I use to nurture and love myself. Susan and I strongly believe the solution to all our problems is to love ourselves unconditionally, and we can find this solution anywhere at any time, for you see it is within.

Of course, there are a variety of ways to walk with and breathe in a God connection. You are completely free to use your own system to find that opening through the darkness of setbacks the physical world tries to present to you.

As I meditate, rock, and watch the clash of light swords, let me focus on four healing stories, which feature my process of living, being, and walking in the light.

Four Healing Stories

One

When I was a boy, I had a horrible problem with bronchitis and asthma. I suffered greatly. I can’t think of a worse condition than hardly being able to breathe. (You too may suffer from a condition, which seems insurmountable, but wait and read on.)

As a young man, I was still plagued by this malady. In my search of relief and a cure, I turned to my faith in Spirit for a healing. Consequently, I became a diligent student of Christian Science and New Thought principles. (Many people find their higher consciousness in a more traditional church setting, and that is wonderful. We all get to the same place even though we travel different paths.)

One night, despite my dependence on inhalers and other medications that brought little, if any, relief, I asked the Father to reveal to me how I could experience comfort and even healing. The idea occurred to me to visualize the light of God flowing through my chest and lungs. I felt the warmth, heat, and power of that love light. After several so-called treatments, I became totally free from that chronic disease.

I encourage you to rock with us awhile, to witness, to remember. In your mind’s eye, see yourself embraced by the infinite flame of love light and how might you use this imagery to gain comfort from some serious life problem that keeps confronting you.

Two

A couple of years ago, at the age of sixty-five, I noticed a strange, scaly growth on my face above my left eye. Susan went with me to the doctor, both of us feeling a little fearful. The dermatologist told me this spot was cancer. We were scared and shaken by such a diagnosis, as most people are when they are told they have the big C.

We made an appointment to have a procedure whereby the doctor would scrape and burn off that strange growth. The process was quite unpleasant, but we got through it. Unfortunately, when we returned home, I realized he took off the wrong spot, and the growth was still there!

Remembering my encounter with bronchitis and asthma as a young man, I returned to using the image of love light for relief and comfort, something I hadn’t done for a while. But I felt a calling in my heart to go to that place of serenity, love, and healing.

I actually placed my left hand on the growth. I slowed my breathing and began to move into a meditative state. I completely relaxed and spoke with the Father. I asked Him to help me lose my fearfulness of this challenge. As always, He responded.

I felt the warmth, heat, and love of God’s light. I did this treatment daily for three weeks. The spot crusted over and dropped off. When I went back to the doctor, Susan and I were both elated to hear the words that I was completely free of the cancer!

The rocking movement reminds me of the loving hands that rocked me through the night when I was a boy. Now as a man, I recall the movement that calls us to a sense of the faith and peace that comes from knowing we always have access to the God energy. Such power and presence is be further enhanced by firelight too.

Three

Recently, I came down with a terrible cold. I was so clogged up and miserable that I flashed back to my childhood fear of not being able to breathe. But now I had my rocking chair and the fireplace. Even though I was using over-the-counter homeopathic remedies without much effect, I surrounded myself with the light of the Holy Spirit. I placed my hands on my sinuses, and I visualized the Love-Light flowing through my nasal passages.

In addition, I affirmed the following spiritual principles:

I am Light.

I am always connected to the love light of God.

God is my life. God is my consciousness, my health, the source of all good.

I feel the warmth, heat, and love of Spirit flowing through me.

Therefore, I shine with perfect health, creative energy, unlimited abundance, unconditional love, omnipotent grace, and infinite wisdom!

Peace...be still. (Then I surrendered the whole occurrence to the Infinite Presence.)

When I let go, I like to imagine being on my favorite beach in Brookings, Oregon. I hear, smell, and see the crashing waves against the huge black volcanic rocks. Then I switch to being on a cruise ship. I am walking the deck, looking out at the infinite ocean. There is a slight but soothing rocking sensation. I am grateful for this joy, comfort, and peace. And of course, I can always return to my rocking chair in front of the fireplace.

And you know what? The cold vanished, and I am breathing normally again!

Perhaps we should all get rocking chairs and sit a spell at the fireplace. I invite you to join with us and participate in the band of light that circles the globe with spiritual wisdom (eternal consciousness) where healing is inevitable. Just feel the power of unconditional light and love within and around us. You might want to spend time daily in your own peaceful or comforting setting, realizing your connection to divine self and our creator. For me, I choose to rock in front of the fireplace. (And, yes, sometimes napping.)

Four

Multiple sclerosis or multiple personality? We were dumbfounded. These were our choices?

Gary and I were sitting in the psychologist’s office when she offered us these diagnoses. It was way back in the early eighties, and I was in my late twenties and been having some difficulties (to say the least). Gary and I had been from doctor to doctor trying to find out what was wrong with me. To hear these diagnoses as the only options seemed absurd.

Sometimes I was so angry I was uncontrollable; other times, I was calm and confident; other times, I was so depressed all I could do was sleep and dream about suicide. We both prayed for this suffering to end. Finally, after much searching, we found Dr. Marge Clos. She was the one who diagnosed me with multiple-personality syndrome. (It is now referred to as dissociative disorder, which is what I will call it from here forward.)

Dissociating happens when something so horrible occurs to a person (be it a child in an abusive home or a soldier in war) their mind can’t take it. They fade away, so to speak and let another part of their mind handle the pain and the suffering.

The way it worked in me was that I would self-hypnotize myself out of the abusive situation and then go to another place in my mind. I would not feel the pain; I would not feel (remember this is important) the incident. It was like it never happened.

By now, I’m sure you have realized that I was battered and neglected as a child. I was not considered the typical victim. I lived in a nice home, had (seemingly) nice parents, and went to good schools. In the late fifties and early sixties, child abuse was still under that dark blanket of deniability. "This couldn’t happen in my neighborhood. This couldn’t happen to my children’s friends." Even though the bruises and welts were quite obvious, the deniability was pervasive.

At any rate, without going into too much more detail, according to Dr. Clos, I had developed thirteen personalities to handle my situation at home, but I didn’t remember these people who ranged in age from six months old to a woman in her forties. These personalities also helped me survive an abusive first marriage as well.

I didn’t know it at the time and didn’t understand for years that, in actuality, this ability to disassociate was a gift from God. But now I was in a loving relationship, and my system was breaking down. I no longer needed to be fearful, combative, inappropriately sexual, demanding, or violent. With Gary, I was finally safe.

I wanted healing. I didn’t want to go through years of therapy in order to mend my wounds, so I did what Gary and I most believe in, what comes first in our lives. I turned to God. Since all of our children (three from my first marriage, and two from Gary’s first marriage) were in school during the day and I wasn’t working, I could spend my time praying and meditating.

I saw myself whole and free. I saw the dangerous parts of me contained, so they couldn’t hurt me or anyone else. I could tell you horrifying stories of heartlessness toward a little girl, teenager, and young woman, but that is not the point of this book. This book is about love, most especially the love we always have surrounding and moving through us—the Love of God.

I continued with my meditation and prayer every day. Sometimes up to four hours a day. I began to believe in my heart, soul, and body that God would provide me a miracle, and